telling MIL to please not tag along

[Anonymous]

This is a conversation your DH needs to have with his mom.

We do family vacations as well, and no, we do not do everything together for the entire week. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read your update and I still think it's really weird that you're setting up a group family vacation for mostly your side of the family, including your ILs, and then expecting your ILs to hang back with your family. Your MIL is reacting normally to what you're set up. If you want solo time with your husband, then create a different set up.

It sounds to me like OP had a vacation with her family. But the in-laws who only see their only child 3-4 times per year, went on this vacation to see their child one more time during the year. After all, they're friends with her parents, too. But they want to maximize the time they get to spend with their only child while on vacation and their DIL wants to cut off some of that precious time they have to spend with their son. They only see him 10-15 days a year and she wants to take a day trip without them taking away one of those days.

OP, if you are going to continue vacations like this, then you have to plan for only short periods of recharging (I get that you're introverted and need quiet alone time to recharge) during that week. So, an hour trip to the coffee shop with your husband or a quiet walk without anyone else. You take those, even if it's once/day and you make it private by not elaborating what you are doing "Bob and I are going out for a break; we'll be back soon." You take your break and come back. A day trip is really just not polite in this situation. If you want to have some alone time with your husband, come back some other weekend during the year just the two of you and you can have 2-3 days of that alone time. But don't do it when you go on a shared vacation especially when your in-laws are involved. You know they want to spend as much time as possible with you two, so plan accordingly.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying but the bolded part makes it sound like OP's DH is still a child and not a grown man. At some point all parents need to be able to detach a little. Being an inly child shouldn't become some undue burden of visitation with lonely parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think maybe you need to get your down time alone, and just have your dh spend that time one on one with the mil.

This is really the only solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, if you want couple time, then take a vacation with the two of you. But stop inviting family and expecting them to leave you alone.

Exactly. You're not being fair to her, OP.

Not being fair? That in the course of a week OP would like to get a coffee or take a walk WITHOUT her MIL when the MIL also has her husband there? I don't know what family vacations you go on where no one takes any time to themselves.

+1. And I get it. I come from a big old extended family that vacations at the beach in NJ together every year and they have been doing it since I was born practically- generations are there, they all live in the same town mostly too so they see each other TONS and still get along and want to vacation together, and STILL its an attitude of do what you want, hang with others or do your thing and we will see you later on I am sure. If even my super stereotypical NJ Italian family doesn't expect to be with you 24/7, then I shudder to think who does!

[Anonymous]

OP, you second response had a different feel to it than your OP, and your title.
Tagging along?
You invited her on a week long beach vacation. And now you don't really want her to participate in the outings?
Why would she want to either
1. Stay back at the house with her husband
Or
2. Go on an outing with your family (including their kids!)
It doesn't make sense why when her family (that's you and DH!) plan an outing on a vacation that you would like her to not participate.
It's a vacation for her, that you planned and invited her on. I don't get it, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you second response had a different feel to it than your OP, and your title.
Tagging along?
You invited her on a week long beach vacation. And now you don't really want her to participate in the outings?
Why would she want to either
1. Stay back at the house with her husband
Or
2. Go on an outing with your family (including their kids!)
It doesn't make sense why when her family (that's you and DH!) plan an outing on a vacation that you would like her to not participate.
It's a vacation for her, that you planned and invited her on. I don't get it, really.

+1 Maybe the OP and her DH should have planned a vacation alone instead of trying to include both sets of parents, her siblings and their children. When you want a couples vacation, you don't invite your large extended families to join you.

Also, she and her DH already visit her in laws several times a year. It kind of sounds like they don't choose to be alone but would rather be surrounded by family during their vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read your update and I still think it's really weird that you're setting up a group family vacation for mostly your side of the family, including your ILs, and then expecting your ILs to hang back with your family. Your MIL is reacting normally to what you're set up. If you want solo time with your husband, then create a different set up.

It sounds to me like OP had a vacation with her family. But the in-laws who only see their only child 3-4 times per year, went on this vacation to see their child one more time during the year. After all, they're friends with her parents, too. But they want to maximize the time they get to spend with their only child while on vacation and their DIL wants to cut off some of that precious time they have to spend with their son. They only see him 10-15 days a year and she wants to take a day trip without them taking away one of those days.

OP, if you are going to continue vacations like this, then you have to plan for only short periods of recharging (I get that you're introverted and need quiet alone time to recharge) during that week. So, an hour trip to the coffee shop with your husband or a quiet walk without anyone else. You take those, even if it's once/day and you make it private by not elaborating what you are doing "Bob and I are going out for a break; we'll be back soon." You take your break and come back. A day trip is really just not polite in this situation. If you want to have some alone time with your husband, come back some other weekend during the year just the two of you and you can have 2-3 days of that alone time. But don't do it when you go on a shared vacation especially when your in-laws are involved. You know they want to spend as much time as possible with you two, so plan accordingly.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying but the bolded part makes it sound like OP's DH is still a child and not a grown man. At some point all parents need to be able to detach a little. Being an inly child shouldn't become some undue burden of visitation with lonely parents.

I'm sorry, but 2 weeks out of 52 or 15 days out of 365 doesn't sound like they are overly attached. There are some people who live in the same town with their parents and see them every weekend. They don't live close, they see each other 3-4 times a year, once for a week, the others for a few days. So they want to maximize the time they have together, they want to spend time with their kid. Some families see each other 30-40 days out of a year and most people wouldn't say they can't detach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you second response had a different feel to it than your OP, and your title.
Tagging along?
You invited her on a week long beach vacation. And now you don't really want her to participate in the outings?
Why would she want to either
1. Stay back at the house with her husband
Or
2. Go on an outing with your family (including their kids!)
It doesn't make sense why when her family (that's you and DH!) plan an outing on a vacation that you would like her to not participate.
It's a vacation for her, that you planned and invited her on. I don't get it, really.

+1 Maybe the OP and her DH should have planned a vacation alone instead of trying to include both sets of parents, her siblings and their children. When you want a couples vacation, you don't invite your large extended families to join you.

Also, she and her DH already visit her in laws several times a year. It kind of sounds like they don't choose to be alone but would rather be surrounded by family during their vacations.

+1

Don't be mean to such a nice, well meaning MIL, OP There are too few of them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read your update and I still think it's really weird that you're setting up a group family vacation for mostly your side of the family, including your ILs, and then expecting your ILs to hang back with your family. Your MIL is reacting normally to what you're set up. If you want solo time with your husband, then create a different set up.

It sounds to me like OP had a vacation with her family. But the in-laws who only see their only child 3-4 times per year, went on this vacation to see their child one more time during the year. After all, they're friends with her parents, too. But they want to maximize the time they get to spend with their only child while on vacation and their DIL wants to cut off some of that precious time they have to spend with their son. They only see him 10-15 days a year and she wants to take a day trip without them taking away one of those days.

OP, if you are going to continue vacations like this, then you have to plan for only short periods of recharging (I get that you're introverted and need quiet alone time to recharge) during that week. So, an hour trip to the coffee shop with your husband or a quiet walk without anyone else. You take those, even if it's once/day and you make it private by not elaborating what you are doing "Bob and I are going out for a break; we'll be back soon." You take your break and come back. A day trip is really just not polite in this situation. If you want to have some alone time with your husband, come back some other weekend during the year just the two of you and you can have 2-3 days of that alone time. But don't do it when you go on a shared vacation especially when your in-laws are involved. You know they want to spend as much time as possible with you two, so plan accordingly.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying but the bolded part makes it sound like OP's DH is still a child and not a grown man. At some point all parents need to be able to detach a little. Being an inly child shouldn't become some undue burden of visitation with lonely parents.

I'm sorry, but 2 weeks out of 52 or 15 days out of 365 doesn't sound like they are overly attached. There are some people who live in the same town with their parents and see them every weekend. They don't live close, they see each other 3-4 times a year, once for a week, the others for a few days. So they want to maximize the time they have together, they want to spend time with their kid. Some families see each other 30-40 days out of a year and most people wouldn't say they can't detach.

My point was that the wording was overly attached when everyone involved is an adult. ""their only child" "see their child" "time they spend with their only child" "precious time they have to spend with their son"

[Anonymous]

Why don't you travel WITHOUT family? You sound like you like drama.

[Anonymous]

DH should spend time with his Mom alone.
I'm not saying, necessarily, this trip.
After my ILs passed I thought more about how little time they had had with just their son in his adulthood. Ever since we married, I was always there too. They liked me, but it's certainly very special and desired to enjoy one's children one-on-one. I wish I could have realized and encouraged that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think maybe you need to get your down time alone, and just have your dh spend that time one on one with the mil.

+1000. Sounds like the real problem is that she is an introvert. She doesn't really need time with her husband, she needs time away from MIL. So get up very early, sneak out for the morning leaving your DH with your MIL, and find some place quiet to vege...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH should spend time with his Mom alone.
I'm not saying, necessarily, this trip.
After my ILs passed I thought more about how little time they had had with just their son in his adulthood. Ever since we married, I was always there too. They liked me, but it's certainly very special and desired to enjoy one's children one-on-one. I wish I could have realized and encouraged that.

Smart, PP. My DH is an only child and recently had reason to be in his hometown without me and the kids. From what he said, I think it was very nice for him and his parents to have some time together without the whole crowd of us. I get along great with his parents, but I think you're right that it's important for parents and their adult children to have time alone together, too.

[Anonymous]

Wow, a lot of people seem to be jumping down the OP's throat for wanting some 1 on 1 time with DH.

From OP's second post, it sounds like her and DH get to see each other only on weekends. If he is always travelling for work and is only home on the weekend, maybe there are errands to run, functions to attend, other friends or family to visit?? Time together is not ALWAYS quality alone time. It also sounds like they don't get time to take vacation separate from everyone else - maybe they only get so much time off or have only so much money?

I have done the family vacation thing with DH and my family and in laws in a big group and it is NOT unreasonable to at least want a few hours alone with DH out of one week, ESPECIALLY if you're surrounded by other people at all other hours ESPECIALLY if you're normally an introvert. Everyone judging her as a selfish person needs to chill out. It is not as if she wants to abandon MIL for the whole trip. They deserve a TINY bit of getaway time to themselves too. YEESH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, a lot of people seem to be jumping down the OP's throat for wanting some 1 on 1 time with DH.

From OP's second post, it sounds like her and DH get to see each other only on weekends. If he is always travelling for work and is only home on the weekend, maybe there are errands to run, functions to attend, other friends or family to visit?? Time together is not ALWAYS quality alone time. It also sounds like they don't get time to take vacation separate from everyone else - maybe they only get so much time off or have only so much money?

I have done the family vacation thing with DH and my family and in laws in a big group and it is NOT unreasonable to at least want a few hours alone with DH out of one week, ESPECIALLY if you're surrounded by other people at all other hours ESPECIALLY if you're normally an introvert. Everyone judging her as a selfish person needs to chill out. It is not as if she wants to abandon MIL for the whole trip. They deserve a TINY bit of getaway time to themselves too. YEESH.

Um, this is a thread from April. The ship has sailed, PP.