telling MIL to please not tag along

[Anonymous]

I'd say, "we'll be back at noon, we're going out for a bit" then she has a time to expect you and it's an obvious non-invite.

[Anonymous]

Ask your mom to invite MIL out to a museum or to go shopping. Then you and DH can do something on your own.

[Anonymous]

Look, if you want couple time, then take a vacation with the two of you. But stop inviting family and expecting them to leave you alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, if you want couple time, then take a vacation with the two of you. But stop inviting family and expecting them to leave you alone.

Exactly. You're not being fair to her, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, if you want couple time, then take a vacation with the two of you. But stop inviting family and expecting them to leave you alone.

Exactly. You're not being fair to her, OP.

Not being fair? That in the course of a week OP would like to get a coffee or take a walk WITHOUT her MIL when the MIL also has her husband there? I don't know what family vacations you go on where no one takes any time to themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP When you marry an only child and then do not have kids of your own, you face some challenges with the MIL. BTDT. Assumptions are made: You have plenty of time with DH (which you don't) That you love every minute with MIL (because you are being polite and nice) that taking care of in laws needs is your "child" (because you do not have any...). I have seen this frequently with child free couples -- they are the ones caring for the parents -- even when caring just means listening to their endless talking. I do not think there is anything to be done in a "big family vacation" with free time. She will gravitate to you and DH whenever she wants to. You can sneak off for an hour or two, but then you are back on duty. The only solution, in my opinion, is to limit the big family vacations, even if it means not having as nice a place, or paying for it yourselves. Even the most sticky of MILs will understand that if the two of you are going on vacation, you will be having couple time. (Although mine put a guilt trip on DH every time we did) GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, if you want couple time, then take a vacation with the two of you. But stop inviting family and expecting them to leave you alone.

Exactly. You're not being fair to her, OP.

Not being fair? That in the course of a week OP would like to get a coffee or take a walk WITHOUT her MIL when the MIL also has her husband there? I don't know what family vacations you go on where no one takes any time to themselves.

But it's a family vacation and while some people are self-sufficient and do go and do things on their own, ultimately the expectation is they are a family and available to do things together.

If they want' alone time, they should take a vacation as a couple, minus the family. This really isn't hard to solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK OP here - lots of misunderstanding but I get the point that it's rude to expect to leave time alone.

FIL is going also - she is not alone. Also she's good friends with my parents

The history is that time with them is suffocating....we see them 4 times a year, with 3 of the 4 typically being a full week. So this is not a situation of "poor woman never sees her son..". They are also invited to our house as much as they like. I'm an introvert, MIL has huge personality, I need breaks from time with them (or anyone) just to not be talked to continuously and it's really really hard to get them. A week is a very long time to not get any time to yourself / with just your SO (who to me is basically like being yourself since we're comfortable just walking in silence together)

This is a house that we rented and made clear up front everyone was welcome to join us at with a "do your own thing" type vacation. People do whatever for the day, we all join up in the evening for dinner. DH and I knew we needed a vacation together (for those who have dinner with their spouse regularly, you can't understand how having only 2 nights a week with them can be a strain on feeling connected) but we also want to be inclusive for family. Love the idea of making all these vacations separate but please tell me what dream world you live in where you have the time and money for this.

My family will do that. Sister and kids will do their things, my parents will do theirs (history / art stuff we're not particularly interested in) but I'm already anticipating MIL will want to do exactly whatever we do from the moment we're out of bed to the moment we're back in. To the extent where from previous experience if I go try to sit on a bench outside by myself, she'll be there within 5 minutes to talk more.

I'm trying to figure out how to get some space so I don't lose my mind over the week. Maybe that makes me a B - I know her hearts in a good place - but as I'm sure other people have experience with the more overbearing someone is even when its from a place of love - the more you feel the need to get some space.

OP, from your description, it sounds like you need a vacation with your DH. You can't have your cake and eat it too in terms of merging couple time and family time...and least not with your ILs it sounds like. Stop taking on the task of hosting everybody all at once when all you want is some time with DH.

Seriously, it's ok to do. And I'd say to stop doing visits with both sides of the family at once. It sounds like you enjoy your family, so why add in the ILs who make things so much less enjoyable for you? Get time with DH, get time to focus on your family, get time to focus on the ILs when you can give them your full attention. That may mean less time overall with all your family, but more quality focused time. Perhaps alternate years for vacationing with different sides of the extended family.

And, make this transition before you have kids. Establish that you and DH deserve some of your vacation time for just the two of you--as you'll want vacation time for just your nuclear family then too.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I think you can take some time for *yourself* more easily than you can get couple time with DH likely. Have DH do something one on one with his parents while you get some downtime from the chaos. That should be much easier to accomplish.

[Anonymous]

I have done a few extended family trips, and from the beginning my grandfather (who organized it and paid for a large amount) made it clear - do what you want during the day, but meet back for dinner.

Can you set ground rules when planning? "It's going to be every man for himself during the day, and DH really want to have some activities that are just for us. We'll be back for family dinner, but you should know in advance so you can plan your activities. Of course we'll also plan time for mini golf with you since it's your favorite!"

[Anonymous]

It sounds to me like you get couple time every weekend together. No kids? Cut your MIL a break.

[Anonymous]

This seems ridiculous. No kids and you are choosing to spend 3 weeks of vacation with family but then complaining when they want to spend time with you. The answer is obvious. See her more frequently but for less time. Go on vacation with your DH.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've read your update and I still think it's really weird that you're setting up a group family vacation for mostly your side of the family, including your ILs, and then expecting your ILs to hang back with your family. Your MIL is reacting normally to what you're set up. If you want solo time with your husband, then create a different set up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've read your update and I still think it's really weird that you're setting up a group family vacation for mostly your side of the family, including your ILs, and then expecting your ILs to hang back with your family. Your MIL is reacting normally to what you're set up. If you want solo time with your husband, then create a different set up.

It sounds to me like OP had a vacation with her family. But the in-laws who only see their only child 3-4 times per year, went on this vacation to see their child one more time during the year. After all, they're friends with her parents, too. But they want to maximize the time they get to spend with their only child while on vacation and their DIL wants to cut off some of that precious time they have to spend with their son. They only see him 10-15 days a year and she wants to take a day trip without them taking away one of those days.

OP, if you are going to continue vacations like this, then you have to plan for only short periods of recharging (I get that you're introverted and need quiet alone time to recharge) during that week. So, an hour trip to the coffee shop with your husband or a quiet walk without anyone else. You take those, even if it's once/day and you make it private by not elaborating what you are doing "Bob and I are going out for a break; we'll be back soon." You take your break and come back. A day trip is really just not polite in this situation. If you want to have some alone time with your husband, come back some other weekend during the year just the two of you and you can have 2-3 days of that alone time. But don't do it when you go on a shared vacation especially when your in-laws are involved. You know they want to spend as much time as possible with you two, so plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Op I think maybe you need to get your down time alone, and just have your dh spend that time one on one with the mil.