telling MIL to please not tag along
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Anonymous
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DH and I are taking a big family trip soon where we will stay in a house with lots of family. Whenever we are together my MIL wants to tag along for EVERYTHING. She's very sweet and I understand she's desperate to spend time with us (not just my DH / her only child, she definitely thinks of me as her daughter as well) but whenever we're all together it doesn't occur to her at all that DH and I might like/need some time just the two of us.
DH travels mon - fri so when we are together on vacation we really need some "couple" time regardless of who else we're traveling with. We don't get all that much time together to start with. How can we politely NOT invite her to join us on some outings or day trips. I've tried saying "DH and I are going for a bikeride" but she plows right through it by (very sweetly) saying "that sounds lovely, if you don't mind I'd love to tag along with you it's so beautiful out!!" Should I just suck it up? |
Anonymous
| I would establish several date nights so it is clear it is just the two of you. |
Anonymous
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Why do you tell her that you're going for a bike ride? Give her brunch every other Sunday and dinner every other Wednesday or something.
If you've taken her on vacation with you, just look her straight in the eye and say "Dan and I are going out for a romantic walk to watch the sun set. See you in a couple of hours." When she says she'd love to tag along, just gently tell her "Actually, Dan and I would like a little time alone; I hope you can understand." Then just assume she can, because even a seven year old can get that. |
Anonymous
| Maybe suck it up...but shorten the length of the family vacation, and use the other vacation on a trip just for the two of you. |
Anonymous
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"This is our time together. See you later!"
Practice that. |
Anonymous
| I think you should have your date time with your husband some other time. He is her only son. You have him most of the year. Let her have some time with him. Save up and take a real couples vacation some time, just you and him. |
Anonymous
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Does she know the other family members, are they your family?
Perhaps instead of trying to ditch for a day, arrange alternative plans for her to do something with the other people staying with you. |
Anonymous
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Do you have kids?
Could DH ask her specifically to be babysit at designated times? |
Anonymous
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OP here - the rest of the family is my family (parents, sibling, siblings kids). She loves them all but loves us the most (obviously). We don't have kids.
We live far apart so see her and FIL 3-4 times per year. 2 of the times we visit at their house and it's all about spending time with them. DH and I are desperate for some couple time...hope to do a another trip soon but its not like we can jet off for a week regularly. Based on previous comments it sounds like there's really no way to not invite her on a day trip but for shorter things (walk together etc) some of the suggestions are helpful |
Anonymous
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I'm going to be honest, OP. I don't understand why you need to use the family vacation as the time to have couple time, especially when you don't have kids.
Expect her feelings to be hurt. I'm not sure how you can say, "We're sick of you" without hurting a person's feelings. |
Anonymous
I gave you one at 22:01. It works. Remember, people only do to you what you let them do. If you don't set boundaries, that's your choice. Have a great vacation with your mother in law every single second. |
Anonymous
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My ILs are the type that want to spend every single second together and I need my breaks. It is the main reason I avoid traveling with them. It works so much better when we aren't staying at the same house or hotel as them, which in your situation I don't think would work.
I don't think it is fair to take day trips without her when you are on vacation together but I think walks or meals are more realistic. You could try being even more forward and instead of just saying "DH and I are going for a walk." say "DH and I are going for a walk. When we get back I thought we could all go to brunch together." Is her sleep schedule the same as yours? If she is going to bed earlier or sleeping in later, you can use those times as well. You could have a routine that every morning you and DH get up early to do a workout together and grab breakfast. If she is winding down at night, you could head out for late night drinks and appetizers. |
Anonymous
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Unless you're both working 80 hour weeks or traveling for work and not overlapping, I don't understand why you need to decrease further this poor woman's time with her only child. If there are particularly sporty or romantic things you want to do, then just tell her. She deserves to be told, and will understand. But try to not do sporty or romantic activities for the entire trip to shut her out. |
Anonymous
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Does she realize you don't see him m-f bc he travels? Maybe reminder of that.
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Anonymous
Honestly op, it seems really odd to take her on vacation with your family, and then expect her to hang out with your family while you have "couple time" with the guy you live with. If you need couple time with your dh, schedule it, but not for the same time as this multi-family trip. That just doesn't make sense. |