Feel like a loser because child continues to not want to go to college

[Anonymous]

OP, if she graduates from high school, she can go to a 4 yr college.
Make sure her schedule is not too difficult. She needs to have some success. She doesn't need honors/aps to get into a college. She doesn't need 3 yrs of a foreign language or precalculus. Yes, she will have far, far fewer options, and but she will have options - that is, if you can pay. Be honest too - - is this a money problem? Can you pay for an out-of-state 2nd/3rd tier public somewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if she graduates from high school, she can go to a 4 yr college.
Make sure her schedule is not too difficult. She needs to have some success. She doesn't need honors/aps to get into a college. She doesn't need 3 yrs of a foreign language or precalculus. Yes, she will have far, far fewer options, and but she will have options - that is, if you can pay. Be honest too - - is this a money problem? Can you pay for an out-of-state 2nd/3rd tier public somewhere?

We have some instate options. In my heart of hearts, I am hoping that maybe HS isn't the right environment for her, butt a year or two at a community college where DC could be more independent with a car and job will be where things get better. I do think that years ago going to one was looked more as a last resort while today, due to college finances, it is a viable option for a variety of circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Long family history of ADHD. Going to college right out of high school is a recipe for wasted money and low moral. I think you have to say fine you have several choices:

Job and supporting yourself.
Training of some sort- Culinary, Community College, auto mechanic whatever some type of training
College

I know with my C maybe adhd kid she will never be able to do a desk job, start exploring what can be done not at a desk maybe your kid will see the value of getting to that job. College is not for everyone unless you have a lot of money to waste.

[Anonymous]

PP, if you don't have the money, that's one thing,
but a college education is never, ever "a waste".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long family history of ADHD. Going to college right out of high school is a recipe for wasted money and low moral. I think you have to say fine you have several choices:

Job and supporting yourself.
Training of some sort- Culinary, Community College, auto mechanic whatever some type of training
College

I know with my C maybe adhd kid she will never be able to do a desk job, start exploring what can be done not at a desk maybe your kid will see the value of getting to that job. College is not for everyone unless you have a lot of money to waste.

Are you trained in psychology? This is close to the opposite of what counselor say about ADHD kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:willing to bet you helped her with her homework all the time , made sure she was on schedule with projects etc.

you need to let her fall down and not help her get up, either she gets up on her own or figures it out later.

OP again. I did the best I could with this but keep feeling guilty that I should have spent less time in the office, traveling, etc. In terms of letting DC fall down, an academic advisor told be she has to "own" it. But I have also had a tutor, review classes, etc. and know DC doesn't test well. But what else can you do?

Did you have a neuropsyche evaluation done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:willing to bet you helped her with her homework all the time , made sure she was on schedule with projects etc.

you need to let her fall down and not help her get up, either she gets up on her own or figures it out later.

OP again. I did the best I could with this but keep feeling guilty that I should have spent less time in the office, traveling, etc. In terms of letting DC fall down, an academic advisor told be she has to "own" it. But I have also had a tutor, review classes, etc. and know DC doesn't test well. But what else can you do?

Did you have a neuropsyche evaluation done?

OP again. Who would give this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:willing to bet you helped her with her homework all the time , made sure she was on schedule with projects etc.

you need to let her fall down and not help her get up, either she gets up on her own or figures it out later.

OP again. I did the best I could with this but keep feeling guilty that I should have spent less time in the office, traveling, etc. In terms of letting DC fall down, an academic advisor told be she has to "own" it. But I have also had a tutor, review classes, etc. and know DC doesn't test well. But what else can you do?

Did you have a neuropsyche evaluation done?

OP again. Who would give this?

Psychologist

You can ask for recommendations on the a Special Needs Forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure that the instant high school is over, if DD is still living with you, that she begins paying you rent.

Why?

I know a set of parents who did this, and they're incredible jerks.

NP here. If this were me, I would give DC the summer off for rent, but indicate that when September hit, DC would be responsible for rent, food, and utilities. I would also tell DC that DC must clean any common area used, is responsible for laundry, and must keep room reasonably tidy. If DC wants to make an adult decision, then DC must take responsibility for the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, appreciate your insights. I have always emphasized academics and a love of learning. My spouse is from a working class background where college is usually not as highly thought of. But in terms of backing off, this is DC's junior year in HS. If it isn't getting done now, when is it going to happen? You can't redo HS.

No, but you can have some good work experience and do well on SATs and write an essay about how you have matured and know how to learn and what you want to do and apply successfully in a couple of years. Or you can take a couple of classes at a time in community college (no application process) and apply showing improved grades. Or you can go to a community college for 2 years that offers automatic matriculation at a 4 year college if the 2 year Associate degree grades are decent.

If your child really struggled so much for grades in HS, you really should have him/her evaluated by a neuropsychologist to see if there is any explanation for why academics is a struggle. It is costly ($3000-$5000K), but worth every penny. Plus, a good psychologist can also offer some ideas about future pathways -- college, community college, work or internship programs, areas where the student has stronger skills and can achieve more easily, and suggestions about other kinds of gap year programs or supports that might make it easier to continue school. If you were going to help pay for college and had saved some $$ for this, I would accept DC's reluctance to apply but make it a condition that he do the neuropsych testing instead, which you pay for from the college fund, and use the report to have some objective information about what might be good future options. Usually, part of the post-assessment process involves meeting with the psych in person to discuss the results, strengths/weaknesses, and ideas for the future. It is priceless to have a 3rd party deliver this info to your child -- no matter what kind of relationship you have with your child (positive or negative), there is a whole layer of parent/child relationships that interferes with a child hearing the objective assessment of skills and potential.

After the assessment, you should definitely look at colleges. There is a wide variety -- Ivies, big state schools, small schools, schools with support for kids with learning disabilities, schools that focus more on math/science/tech, schools which combine internship or work experience with schooling, etc. Show him the variety without pressure. Make it clear that you are open to HIS ideas, once he has seen what is available. Point out PROS and CONS to each place. Be objective. Don't impose your wishes or desires. Make it clear that this process is about what HE wants to become, and you are there to support whatever that is.

FWIW, my brother is very smart but struggled with school. That was back in the day when there were not many supports for a kid like him. He went to college, but wasn't able to graduate. Now he has a good career he loves as a fireman. If you ask him, college was a waste of time -- he spent years struggling to do something that was very hard for him and didn't really offer much career value. He wishes he had just looked at jobs like police/fire/emt/computer training earlier. They are all lucrative and have stable career arcs. Same for other things PPs have mentioned like sales, and building trades.

You might want to post on the "special needs" thread, as there are many parents of kids with diagnosed

[Anonymous]

Oops, didn't finish....

Many parents of kids diagnosed with LDs who have struggled with school and are trying to decide what to do about college and where might be the right place or what other non-college paths exist.

[Anonymous]

I went through this, so I feel for you OP. Well, twice, but the first was a bit different.

I come from a family that values education ALOT. Most have masters degrees. I'm hardly the only one with a PHD. And to make it worse, my eldest is an addict and has been in/out of jail for the past 5 years, so everyone was looking to my younger DS to succeed. He didn't want to go to college, straight A student, but always struggled with motivation. So we pushed him way too much to go off to college.

He's a junior now, and it looks like he is going to be dropping out next semester. The lack of motivation int ha, and while he has scraped by with a 3.0, he has struggled. Probably the only reason he stuck it out so long was he met a friend that pushed him to do his work, but he just struggles. I wish three years ago I hadn't forced him to go to college.

[Anonymous]

I recommend you talking to somebody like this... http://basseducationalservices.com/

You will get a lot of slanted advice from people that are over achievers that never had a child struggle in school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went through this, so I feel for you OP. Well, twice, but the first was a bit different.

I come from a family that values education ALOT. Most have masters degrees. I'm hardly the only one with a PHD. And to make it worse, my eldest is an addict and has been in/out of jail for the past 5 years, so everyone was looking to my younger DS to succeed. He didn't want to go to college, straight A student, but always struggled with motivation. So we pushed him way too much to go off to college.

He's a junior now, and it looks like he is going to be dropping out next semester. The lack of motivation int ha, and while he has scraped by with a 3.0, he has struggled. Probably the only reason he stuck it out so long was he met a friend that pushed him to do his work, but he just struggles. I wish three years ago I hadn't forced him to go to college.

What type of school did he go to? big university, small SLAC,? did he take a full load? did he do anything else to build motivation and responsibility like Outward Bound?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly don't care if my DCs go to college. But I think they should get some sort of post-HS training -- vocational school, apprenticeship, certifications, something so that you can explore what you really want to do and find your niche. A HS degree on its own is fairly worthless anymore.

This. My brother is in HVAC and makes six figures, but he had to go through years of intense vocational training on top of working full time. If he hadn't he would make less and not have as many opportunities. I also know someone who is basically a CEO for a local company who didn't do any college.