Feel like a loser because child continues to not want to go to college

[Anonymous]

DC will be 17. For years it has been a struggle to get her to study. Now in HS has a C+ average and poor test scores. Yet, she is very articulate and was an early word learner. It just kills me because I come from a family that puts tremendous significance on academics. Dreamed of someday taking her to visit colleges and now the future looks like community college if even that. I fear that DC is going to spend a life in low paying service jobs. Is t hopeless? Do kids often start findfing themselves in their 20s?

[Anonymous]

I'm 29. One of my best friends went to college because of his parents insistence and their guilt trip of being "shamed". Where I grew up going to a community college was unheard of, let alone not going to college at all. Needless to say he was miserable, drank too much, failed his second semester, and then attempted suicide. His mom'S friend helped him get a job for an aide at a local organization for kids with special needs who attend our high school but have their own section. He fell in love with it. Years went by and he moved up as high as he could without a college degree because he was terrified of going back. His job really wanted to them so they are now paying for him to become a special needs educator. I have never seen him So happy.

So your daughter isn't a lost cause.

[Anonymous]

What are her interests?

[Anonymous]

I went to community college. I'm a legal secretary and earn about $76k. I'm engaged to a plumber who didn't go to college. He earns six figures.

College is not the end all be all everyone wants it to be.

[Anonymous]

My brother dropped out of high school and became a diesel mechanic. With overtime, he makes double what I do as a teacher. College is t everything. Does she have a job? A job might really help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are her interests?

DC is more of a people person and is thinking about sales. Has an after school job serving customers and enjoys the interaction.

[Anonymous]

Can't you encourage her to look for colleges with human services, hr, and marketing/sales. She may be far happier in college where she gets to pick classes she is interested in. I was like her exactly. My parents didn't give me a choice, which was probably good but my mom worked hard to help me get into a college with the major I wanted and while I am not working now, I think it was good she pushed me to go. I also got a master's degree. I would encourage her to go straight through.

[Anonymous]

In addition to the above, consider that she might not be ready for college. We have three in college now. Two went straight from high school to college. One enlisted in the Air Force right out of high school. She loved it! She earned a lot of college credit just for her training. She got to travel all over the world. She gained valuable work and life skills. When she got out, she was a completely different person. She is doing great in college!

[Anonymous]

Way to make her feel like a failure. Any idea how she feels about all of this? Some of the parents in the college forum make me feel sick to my stomach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are her interests?

DC is more of a people person and is thinking about sales. Has an after school job serving customers and enjoys the interaction.

I meant hobbies. Not necessarily job-related.

[Anonymous]

I'm not dealing with this, but if I were--and assuming you aren't dealing with any substance abuse issues, underlying mental health issues, etc-- I think I would turn the attention completely to what SHE wants. Start talking about plans after high school--what does she intend to do? I would be clear that I will provide support for a kid in school--be it college or CC or trade school-- but that if she isn't going to school, she will need to get a job to help start to support herself. She should know that you expect her to work, pay something for rent, etc. What are her plans? How does she intend to support herself? If she wants to work a minimum wage job, fine. Let her get one, charge some nominal rent, insist that everyone in the house treat one another as adults, general respect towards others, etc. Help her brainstorm ideas about her skills and interests and jobs that might be available to her. Be clear that the offer for help with schooling still exists, even if she takes a detoured route to get there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way to make her feel like a failure. Any idea how she feels about all of this? Some of the parents in the college forum make me feel sick to my stomach.

Failure to get any sort of post-high school training is a pretty scary thought these days. It's not like it was in my day, when kids could walk down to the Bethlehem Steel plant in Baltimore at 16 and get a job with health insurance, good pay, and a great retirement. No education necessary. That's over. The average income for someone with high school only is about $21,000. It would be very hard to be self-supporting on that.

She doesn't have to go to college. But if she were my kid, I'd encourage her to seek out her talents and get some type of associated skilled training to maximize opportunity.

[Anonymous]

You are not a loser, and neither is your DD.

Focus on her positive qualities, she sounds like a good kid.

Yes, many kids find themselves in their 20s. There are many paths to a fulfilling and productive life.

[Anonymous]

I went to community college. I'm a legal secretary and earn about $76k. I'm engaged to a plumber who didn't go to college. He earns six figures.

College is not the end all be all everyone wants it to be.

I love hearing this! the BA/BS is the new HS diploma, except that Bachelor's costs a pretty penny and my not prepare you for actually working. I always look for the work people did DURING college. Tells me if they are a true hustler or just a coasting kid.

- Went to college and there's probably nothing I learned that I use day to day. Work ethic and smarts are very under rated!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Way to make her feel like a failure. Any idea how she feels about all of this? Some of the parents in the college forum make me feel sick to my stomach.

Failure to get any sort of post-high school training is a pretty scary thought these days. It's not like it was in my day, when kids could walk down to the Bethlehem Steel plant in Baltimore at 16 and get a job with health insurance, good pay, and a great retirement. No education necessary. That's over. The average income for someone with high school only is about $21,000. It would be very hard to be self-supporting on that.

She doesn't have to go to college. But if she were my kid, I'd encourage her to seek out her talents and get some type of associated skilled training to maximize opportunity.

I agree. And had Op asked for advice along those lines, she wouldn't sound so bad. But saying she feels like a loser because her kid might not go to college? Asking if her daughter is hopeless? That's just really sad to me.