Feel like a loser because child continues to not want to go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to the above, consider that she might not be ready for college. We have three in college now. Two went straight from high school to college. One enlisted in the Air Force right out of high school. She loved it! She earned a lot of college credit just for her training. She got to travel all over the world. She gained valuable work and life skills. When she got out, she was a completely different person. She is doing great in college!

I was going to suggest this. I enlisted in AF and left after HS. Received paid training (important to get a good job/skill), I was able to complete my BA degree at my pace while still working (and they paid 75% of it through UMD). Traveled all over the world. It was the best decision this 17yo party girl could have made!

[Anonymous]

I'd rather she figure out what she wanted than waste money going to school and getting a degree that she either hates or can't find a job in. Graduated in 2008 And I would say half my friends have gone back to college to change careers or have a useless degree that has nothing to do with what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to community college. I'm a legal secretary and earn about $76k. I'm engaged to a plumber who didn't go to college. He earns six figures.

College is not the end all be all everyone wants it to be.

I just want to add to this, that i come from a family where everyone has masters degrees and PhDs and law degrees. Everyone - all the cousins, the aunts & uncles, everyone. Not just my parents. I just really suck at learning in a school environment. My parents encouraged me to get the training and schooling I could get through that would lead to a career that would support me. It took me five years to get that two year degree. I had to re-take three classes, and went from low F's to D's when I re-took them. College is not for everyone. I'm smart, I read all the time, I can talk to you about Real Housewives or physics easily.

What your DD wants now may not be what she wants in two years. She may change her mind. My parents never thought of themselves as losers because they couldn't get me through a four year school. Let your DD be her own person as long as she's productive and happy.

[Anonymous]

It's not at all unusual (in the real world, not the bubble that is DC/Md/Va) for kids to get some sort of job or tech/assoc. degree... work for a few years... then realize that if they don't want to be the lowest person on the totem pole, they need to get a bachelors degree. They usually turn out to be very motivated students b/c they have outgrown the party scene and they know the industry that they want to pursue.

She's not ready to commit to college, so tell her you'll support her (emotionally, that is) in whatever she wants to do that is legal and productive. Give her some space and let her make her choice. She knows college is an option... you don't need to push it. I'm sure she's smart enough to hear what other kids are talking about. She'll come up with something. Don't waste money on college when she is telling you she can't commit to it.

[Anonymous]

DH's brother was like this. Was SO THRILLED to be done with high school and had zero interest in college. He worked a handful of low paying jobs, making just enough to make ends meet but nothing beyond that. Now, 10 years later, he's realizing that this isn't the life he wants for himself and he made the choice to go back to school and get a degree in, of all things, math and chemistry. A double major, in possibly two of the hardest fields he could have chosen (and he's doing well, too!)

Hang in there, let her know you love and support her in whatever route she takes towards independence.

[Anonymous]

My niece was very much like your DD. She didn't go to college and now, at 32, is telling everyone what a mistake she made. She can only rise so high without a college degree and now she knows it. But truly there was nothing my sister and BIL could have done to convince her otherwise - she was dead set against college.

[Anonymous]

My husband didn't go to college right out of high school. He worked with computers for a decade and then decided he wanted to get a computer science degree, so he did that, getting his degree when he was 31. He was very focused on computers throughout his post-high school life and actually had a decent-paying job before he got his degree. Of course, he doubled his salary after going to school, so that was a welcome development.

[Anonymous]

Do you know why she has done so poorly? Was she ever evaluated for LDs?

Assuming there's nothing like that that can be addressed, this isn't your decision. One thing you might look into is a gap year program. A friend's daughter who wasn't ready to go to college did that -- she actually worked for a year and then did that to get back into the swing of things. Some of these are designed to help kids get ready. And you should know that the CC option is much stronger these days. Many students are doing two years of CC and then transferring to a four year college to save money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to community college. I'm a legal secretary and earn about $76k. I'm engaged to a plumber who didn't go to college. He earns six figures.

College is not the end all be all everyone wants it to be.

Agree. OP, community college is not this evil horrible thing for the "poors." So your kid is not superacademic. Hopefully, she's pretty and will marry well. It's all good.

[Anonymous]

OP, my whole family is full of people who did not go the traditional college route, and everyone turned out ok. I even have a cousin who dropped out if high school, got a GED, and is now a transplant surgeon (really). My mom went back to school at 50.

It's scary, but there are many ways to make your way in the world.

[Anonymous]

College isn't the right path for everyone, and *not* going to a 4-year university does not automatically "doom" your daughter to a miserable life of working menial, low-level service jobs...but even if that's the route she chooses, so what?

<personalAnecdote>My brother and his wife both work "low-level" jobs in a grocery store, and they're quite happy. They're not wealthy, but they're comfortable, insured, and doing fine. </personalAnecdote>

[Anonymous]

The only way you'll be a "loser" in this situation is by not supporting your child. I wish I hadn't gone to college right away, even waiting 2 years would have made a huge difference for me. Like many others I have know lots if people who went back to school after working for a few years. They were much better students because they had a clearer picture of their needs, wants, and skills.

[Anonymous]

I would make sure that the instant high school is over, if DD is still living with you, that she begins paying you rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure that the instant high school is over, if DD is still living with you, that she begins paying you rent.

Why?

I know a set of parents who did this, and they're incredible jerks.

[Anonymous]

My DH graduated HS by the skin of his teeth, then spent the next three years doing basically nothing. He "tried" community college which amounted to zero. A visit to a recruiter to appease his dad led to DH's enlistment in the USAF where he served 9 years on active duty, received excellent IT training, earned a college degree, and got top secret clearance. He now works as a government contractor for one of the top companies in the DC area. He has a full scope/lifestyle poly and earns well into the 6 figures with excellent benefits. I tease him about being a slacker in his teens and early 20s, but he always says the end justifies the means. For him, it was about choosing to accomplish things on his own. When he took ownership of his future, his whole life changed. So OP, there is hope - don't feel ashamed of your non-college-oriented kid. She will find her way.