Feel like a loser because child continues to not want to go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure that the instant high school is over, if DD is still living with you, that she begins paying you rent.

Why?

I know a set of parents who did this, and they're incredible jerks.

I don't have a problem with this, and I'm not a jerk. 18 is adulthood. Or should be. If my child is a full-time student, I will offer housing support on vacations and summers (or if going to community college). I still expect him to have a part-time job for expenses. But if he's not in school I will expect him to pay rent or find his own housing. Why would you not? Do you want an adult child just coasting for free until his mid-20's, losing respect for himself in the process? Adults support themselves, and it's an affirmation of your trust and respect for an 18 year old to treat them as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I went to community college. I'm a legal secretary and earn about $76k. I'm engaged to a plumber who didn't go to college. He earns six figures.

College is not the end all be all everyone wants it to be.

My plumber showed me pictures of his house the last time he was in my home (trust me 2 back-to back major leak emergencies will get you real chummy with your plumber with the amount of time they have to spend in your home!), I'm pretty sure he may have been in the joint while I was in graduate school to boot and his place is insane.

I have a friend from college who does hair. She did her undergrad degree because her parents made her and promptly went to beauty school after college and does that and is happy as a clam.

[Anonymous]

Sales people can make a TON of money. The bigger question is, how will she support herself as an adult after high school graduation? She will need to get a job.

If she does not go to college at 18, all is not lost. She can always get her degree later when she really wants it, and it will be much easier that way. But it's ok if she doesn't ever get it.

My Sr. Director at work makes gobs of money, is passionate about what he does, and only finished 1 year of college. I'm an MBA from a top school and I'm only a Director and roughly his age. College isn't everything.

My dad was a lousy student and didn't go to college immediately. He went in the Marines and I'm surprised he didn't drop out. He eventually got his degree in criminal justice from Maryland at age 30 (with credits from 3 other schools along the way) and retired with a 6-figure income from working in the government at what he loved to do.

Be patient and open-minded, please.

[Anonymous]

I truly don't care if my DCs go to college. But I think they should get some sort of post-HS training -- vocational school, apprenticeship, certifications, something so that you can explore what you really want to do and find your niche. A HS degree on its own is fairly worthless anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DC will be 17. For years it has been a struggle to get her to study. Now in HS has a C+ average and poor test scores. Yet, she is very articulate and was an early word learner. It just kills me because I come from a family that puts tremendous significance on academics. Dreamed of someday taking her to visit colleges and now the future looks like community college if even that. I fear that DC is going to spend a life in low paying service jobs. Is t hopeless? Do kids often start findfing themselves in their 20s?

What are her dreams?

[Anonymous]

willing to bet you helped her with her homework all the time , made sure she was on schedule with projects etc.

you need to let her fall down and not help her get up, either she gets up on her own or figures it out later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH's brother was like this. Was SO THRILLED to be done with high school and had zero interest in college. He worked a handful of low paying jobs, making just enough to make ends meet but nothing beyond that. Now, 10 years later, he's realizing that this isn't the life he wants for himself and he made the choice to go back to school and get a degree in, of all things, math and chemistry. A double major, in possibly two of the hardest fields he could have chosen (and he's doing well, too!)

Hang in there, let her know you love and support her in whatever route she takes towards independence.

Agree with this. There are lots of classes that I would have taken after having been out of school for a few years because I knew they were important to my goals --- but when you go straight to college and you're not sure why you're there, it's hard to get motivated to study something just because it might be useful some day later on in life.

OP, your kid might be one of those people who finds her own way to success and we'll all be marveling at her independence and maturity years from now.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is struggling with this. DS won't go to college. He says he doesn't want to enroll, pay, and end up hating it and eventually not going. He's got a point. I do hope he'll wise up and listen to his mom. She's been threatening to start charging rent, but I don't think she's got that mean bone in her body. The kid is sweet, I hope he'll come around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:willing to bet you helped her with her homework all the time , made sure she was on schedule with projects etc.

you need to let her fall down and not help her get up, either she gets up on her own or figures it out later.

OP again. I did the best I could with this but keep feeling guilty that I should have spent less time in the office, traveling, etc. In terms of letting DC fall down, an academic advisor told be she has to "own" it. But I have also had a tutor, review classes, etc. and know DC doesn't test well. But what else can you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sales people can make a TON of money. The bigger question is, how will she support herself as an adult after high school graduation? She will need to get a job.

If she does not go to college at 18, all is not lost. She can always get her degree later when she really wants it, and it will be much easier that way. But it's ok if she doesn't ever get it.

My Sr. Director at work makes gobs of money, is passionate about what he does, and only finished 1 year of college. I'm an MBA from a top school and I'm only a Director and roughly his age. College isn't everything.

My dad was a lousy student and didn't go to college immediately. He went in the Marines and I'm surprised he didn't drop out. He eventually got his degree in criminal justice from Maryland at age 30 (with credits from 3 other schools along the way) and retired with a 6-figure income from working in the government at what he loved to do.

Be patient and open-minded, please.

OP again. Thank you for you last sentence - it means alot to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading an interesting book called "Job U" - it's about apprenticeships and how college just isn't necessary or right for many people. I recommend it. It may give you some alternatives views and help with your outlook.

DH and I have master's degrees and we aren't convinced our kids need to go directly to college. Some real life experience can go a long ways these days and save our kids thousands in loans. We feel college will become increasingly irrelevant for many as alternatives become more accepted.

[Anonymous]

How much have you pressured her throughout her childhood to do well academically? How much have you focused on college as a goal? As both a parent and an educator, I can absolutely tell you that it's astounding and depressing how many well-meaning parents subtly (or not so subtly) drive this point so far into the ground, their kids develop an inherent fear that they will never measure up, so best not to try.

Not saying somehow I'm sure that's what's happening with your child (I obviously don't know you or your child) but this is SUCH a common occurrence. Parents feel like they're doing what they're supposed to do and talk about it and reinforce the focus on academics again and again. This works well for some children and their personalities, but it can also make even really smart, capable children totally shy away from trying. It can be a set up for failure.

Think about how much this has been a theme throughout your kids life, and maybe back off for awhile,, or have more conversations exploring what his/her main interests are? Tell them you want to support their interests? Sometimes saying that (and meaning it! Not just lip service to it) can create a little space and your kid may come back around to college on their own.

Self-sufficiency is still an important goal to talk to your child about, maybe talk about how you can support them in work they are interested in, still looking at self-sufficiency?

[Anonymous]

PP, appreciate your insights. I have always emphasized academics and a love of learning. My spouse is from a working class background where college is usually not as highly thought of. But in terms of backing off, this is DC's junior year in HS. If it isn't getting done now, when is it going to happen? You can't redo HS.

[Anonymous]

It will be fine. 17 year olds are not the brightest. And you can redo high school, it's called community college.

My niece did not go to college, instead she was a regional flight attendant for a year, and then moved to Key West as a bartender. She has a great life, loves what she does, and makes more money than her brother who graduated as an engineering major.

My youngest son did not do well in high school, went to community college and successfully transferred to a top school. He didn't have a passion for anything in high school, found it in community college, and is now in graduate school (on a full ride).

Relax and enjoy how crazy 17 year olds are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are her interests?

DC is more of a people person and is thinking about sales. Has an after school job serving customers and enjoys the interaction.

Encourage her to go into real estate.