Adult Children of Divorce and 'Home'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's something I don't understand with this discussion. Some people complain that their divorced parents remarried and the new spouse and/or step-siblings make them feel unwelcome. Others complain that their divorced parents are alone and vulnerable as they age, leaving their adult children with too much care-giving responsibility. So which is preferable: parents who remarry or parents who stay single? Seems like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

What's preferable is that they marry someone their children like, who is caring and responsible and not a drain on resources. But that's not always possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Please don't speak for me, I am an adult child of divorce who turned out well. Divorce sucks, but is sometimes necessary, there are people that never should have been together and are maki g each other and the kids miserable. All kinds of stuff happens in life, you deal with it. Divorce does not make the child the default parent, poor parenting does, and that kind of dysfunction can happen in or out of a marriage.marruage or divorce does not make someone vulnerable as they age. Those are outcomes based on health and financial planning. You speak as if being married guarantees that only one spouse will need care in their old age and the other will be the primary care taker. Do you know how many people I know who are helping to take care of sickly MARRIED parents?
Is divorce what I want for my family, no, but I am not going to declare that it has eternally messed up every adult child of divorce. Your narrow 1 or 2 outcomes are not all there is.

Which is a lot easier than caring for sickly divorced parents. One house. One assisted living place. One payment. One location to which to travel. Try to keep up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Please don't speak for me, I am an adult child of divorce who turned out well. Divorce sucks, but is sometimes necessary, there are people that never should have been together and are maki g each other and the kids miserable. All kinds of stuff happens in life, you deal with it. Divorce does not make the child the default parent, poor parenting does, and that kind of dysfunction can happen in or out of a marriage.marruage or divorce does not make someone vulnerable as they age. Those are outcomes based on health and financial planning. You speak as if being married guarantees that only one spouse will need care in their old age and the other will be the primary care taker. Do you know how many people I know who are helping to take care of sickly MARRIED parents?
Is divorce what I want for my family, no, but I am not going to declare that it has eternally messed up every adult child of divorce. Your narrow 1 or 2 outcomes are not all there is.

Which is a lot easier than caring for sickly divorced parents. One house. One assisted living place. One payment. One location to which to travel. Try to keep up.

And also, who is claiming to be eternally messed up? You are creating a straw man. Nobody is saying that adult children of divorce do not turn out well. I really, really hate this dichotomy where unless my life is totally ruined I have to put on a happy face and say it was all for the best. They chose to divorce and it sucks for me and my spouse and children on many levels. I'm glad it's worked out ok for you, PP, so far. But the phase where parents are very elderly and dependent is the hardest of all. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Please don't speak for me, I am an adult child of divorce who turned out well. Divorce sucks, but is sometimes necessary, there are people that never should have been together and are maki g each other and the kids miserable. All kinds of stuff happens in life, you deal with it. Divorce does not make the child the default parent, poor parenting does, and that kind of dysfunction can happen in or out of a marriage.marruage or divorce does not make someone vulnerable as they age. Those are outcomes based on health and financial planning. You speak as if being married guarantees that only one spouse will need care in their old age and the other will be the primary care taker. Do you know how many people I know who are helping to take care of sickly MARRIED parents?
Is divorce what I want for my family, no, but I am not going to declare that it has eternally messed up every adult child of divorce. Your narrow 1 or 2 outcomes are not all there is.

Which is a lot easier than caring for sickly divorced parents. One house. One assisted living place. One payment. One location to which to travel. Try to keep up.

One payment -- are you nuts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Please don't speak for me, I am an adult child of divorce who turned out well. Divorce sucks, but is sometimes necessary, there are people that never should have been together and are maki g each other and the kids miserable. All kinds of stuff happens in life, you deal with it. Divorce does not make the child the default parent, poor parenting does, and that kind of dysfunction can happen in or out of a marriage.marruage or divorce does not make someone vulnerable as they age. Those are outcomes based on health and financial planning. You speak as if being married guarantees that only one spouse will need care in their old age and the other will be the primary care taker. Do you know how many people I know who are helping to take care of sickly MARRIED parents?
Is divorce what I want for my family, no, but I am not going to declare that it has eternally messed up every adult child of divorce. Your narrow 1 or 2 outcomes are not all there is.

Which is a lot easier than caring for sickly divorced parents. One house. One assisted living place. One payment. One location to which to travel. Try to keep up.

And also, who is claiming to be eternally messed up? You are creating a straw man. Nobody is saying that adult children of divorce do not turn out well. I really, really hate this dichotomy where unless my life is totally ruined I have to put on a happy face and say it was all for the best. They chose to divorce and it sucks for me and my spouse and children on many levels. I'm glad it's worked out ok for you, PP, so far. But the phase where parents are very elderly and dependent is the hardest of all. Good luck.

21:39 says there is no good outcome. Please read before commenting. As for the phase with sick/dying/irresponsible parent, been there sweetheart. And I hate to tell you, but if you are going to have to help care for a sick/elderly parent, then you are going to have to do it whether they are divorced or not.
As for putting on a happy face, no one said that. Do I wish my parents had a solid, intact marriage, sure. Do I wish I had never been laid off, hit the lottery, never been in a bad relationship, etc. There are a lot of things we have to get through in life that suck, but we can do it. But we cannot, as adults, blame our parents soley because they did not do what we wanted them too. If your DH's parents had stayed married, you probably would have been on here complaining about how dysfunctional they are and don't understand why they are still together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And that's the rub. There is virtually no good outcome- even for adult children of divorce. The only situations I have seen that seem ok for the kids is where the parent is capable but not remarried. Of course- that outcome is not necessarily what is best for the parent but it is the best scenario for the adult child.

I think the big thing is- with married parents you know and are fine with the idea of eventually sharing the burden of helping your parents. But you assume that won't happen- barring unforeseen cirumstances- for a long time. You will have a chance to raise your kids first- with the added comfort of your own parents remaining together and helping one another. But for children of divorce- you are often asked or by default become the supporting partner with the added bonus of having to be the "adult" in te relationship. You are not always ready for that burden.

For my DH, the divorce marked the end of his parents "parenting". They love him and remain his friend and supporter. But they do not parent. For some people- this is what they want. But others are not ready to lose their "parent."

Please don't speak for me, I am an adult child of divorce who turned out well. Divorce sucks, but is sometimes necessary, there are people that never should have been together and are maki g each other and the kids miserable. All kinds of stuff happens in life, you deal with it. Divorce does not make the child the default parent, poor parenting does, and that kind of dysfunction can happen in or out of a marriage.marruage or divorce does not make someone vulnerable as they age. Those are outcomes based on health and financial planning. You speak as if being married guarantees that only one spouse will need care in their old age and the other will be the primary care taker. Do you know how many people I know who are helping to take care of sickly MARRIED parents?
Is divorce what I want for my family, no, but I am not going to declare that it has eternally messed up every adult child of divorce. Your narrow 1 or 2 outcomes are not all there is.

+1000
A dysfunctional marriage does not create a home base; if anything it can be worse because it should feel like home but something is missing. Kids can sense that. Two unhappy people who are still married make travel logistics easier but emotionally it's still hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. My FIL is the mess and my DH feels responsible for him.

I mean, yes, FIL is responsible for himself. DH understands this.. and for now.. is ok with that being the case. But at some point.. we know that we will probably have to make some really tough decisions that, if there were a spouse, we would not be making. For instance, at the end of the day, are we going to let him live on the street? Are we going to not help him get medical care? Are we going to see him go hungry? There is an added element of undiagnosed mental issues here. DH believes strongly that FIL is currently sick.. thus, not all of these irresponsible decisions are necessarily his "fault."

So no, we are not legally responsible (Although.. if you research Filial Duty rules there does seem to be a trend moving towards some level of legal responsibility.) But morally.... ethically.. we will have to step in.

Of course my DH does not begrudge my MIL her happiness. But, again, there is some level of burden that was shifted onto him as a result of the divorce. And, potentially, a legal burden as well.

I posted earlier that there are elements of this that I do not get. If his parents stated married he would just leave his mom to have to deal with everything concerni g the irresponsible dad? This makes no sense to me. I did for my irresponsible dad as much as I was willing to do. The key is start now having the discussions with the dad about getting his affairs in order . I suggest taking out LTC and life insurance. However, I would let him know that if he is not willing to do his part, that you are not willing to turn your life upside down to take of an adult who is not willing to take care of himself . Believe me it sounds quite noble to think you have to take this on, until it ones time to have to do it. Your DH needs to get in front of this now before you are trying to figure out if you can pay your mortgage or FIL's next month. BTDT.

If they stayed married, the mom would at least be helping deal with the dad, so it would be easier than dealing with the dad on his own. The mom would likely be the first responder for all emergencies, dealing with most of the medical appointments, providing companionship, and helping to manage the home. Without the mom, the children are on the front lines for every little thing and it's exhausting.

YES to all of this! I am the OP of the other thread about MIL moving 5 minutes from me. This is the exact situation DH and siblings are in, except mil ended the marriage. DH and siblings are everything you describe here: first responder, companion, manager, chauffeur, etc. Each sibling takes a turn getting burned out. It's so difficult, especially when your parents are still married, and the whole concept is new territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. My FIL is the mess and my DH feels responsible for him.

I mean, yes, FIL is responsible for himself. DH understands this.. and for now.. is ok with that being the case. But at some point.. we know that we will probably have to make some really tough decisions that, if there were a spouse, we would not be making. For instance, at the end of the day, are we going to let him live on the street? Are we going to not help him get medical care? Are we going to see him go hungry? There is an added element of undiagnosed mental issues here. DH believes strongly that FIL is currently sick.. thus, not all of these irresponsible decisions are necessarily his "fault."

So no, we are not legally responsible (Although.. if you research Filial Duty rules there does seem to be a trend moving towards some level of legal responsibility.) But morally.... ethically.. we will have to step in.

Of course my DH does not begrudge my MIL her happiness. But, again, there is some level of burden that was shifted onto him as a result of the divorce. And, potentially, a legal burden as well.

I posted earlier that there are elements of this that I do not get. If his parents stated married he would just leave his mom to have to deal with everything concerni g the irresponsible dad? This makes no sense to me. I did for my irresponsible dad as much as I was willing to do. The key is start now having the discussions with the dad about getting his affairs in order . I suggest taking out LTC and life insurance. However, I would let him know that if he is not willing to do his part, that you are not willing to turn your life upside down to take of an adult who is not willing to take care of himself . Believe me it sounds quite noble to think you have to take this on, until it ones time to have to do it. Your DH needs to get in front of this now before you are trying to figure out if you can pay your mortgage or FIL's next month. BTDT.

If they stayed married, the mom would at least be helping deal with the dad, so it would be easier than dealing with the dad on his own. The mom would likely be the first responder for all emergencies, dealing with most of the medical appointments, providing companionship, and helping to manage the home. Without the mom, the children are on the front lines for every little thing and it's exhausting.

YES to all of this! I am the OP of the other thread about MIL moving 5 minutes from me. This is the exact situation DH and siblings are in, except mil ended the marriage. DH and siblings are everything you describe here: first responder, companion, manager, chauffeur, etc. Each sibling takes a turn getting burned out. It's so difficult, especially when your parents are still married, and the whole concept is new territory.

Except this is a situation that is a result of dysfunction and co-dependence, not divorce. The problem is the kids not saying "no" and the mom thinking that her kids are supposed to run her life. That is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Point taken. FIL would have been a mess to deal with regardless of whether he was married to MIL or not. BUT, as others have stated, being divorced means DH is first responder for everything. So, although there would have still been a burden and situations to deal with, there is exponentially more than there would have been if MIL were still in the picture.

I agree that no situation is perfect and a lot of this is situational. FIL was a bad parent. There are good parents who happen to be divorced. Sorry to generalize.

But as stated, regardless of the situation, divorce certainly throws a monkey wrench into the scenario and makes it more difficult. And that sucks. Other things, besides divorce, can cause the same or different difficulties. Of course.

Difficult things happen. That's life. And we should deal. But part of dealing is being able to complain. Being able to release some of that pent up frustration. Being able to shout "It just isn't fair." Being able to say, as an adult, that divorce still sucks. That just because you are 30, an adult, and capable of processing your feelings in an adult manner... doesn't mean you don't still have to process the emotions and resulting chaos that ensues.

It sucks. Whether you are 5 when it happens, 19, 27, or 43. When your parents divorce it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Point taken. FIL would have been a mess to deal with regardless of whether he was married to MIL or not. BUT, as others have stated, being divorced means DH is first responder for everything. So, although there would have still been a burden and situations to deal with, there is exponentially more than there would have been if MIL were still in the picture.

I agree that no situation is perfect and a lot of this is situational. FIL was a bad parent. There are good parents who happen to be divorced. Sorry to generalize.

But as stated, regardless of the situation, divorce certainly throws a monkey wrench into the scenario and makes it more difficult. And that sucks. Other things, besides divorce, can cause the same or different difficulties. Of course.

Difficult things happen. That's life. And we should deal. But part of dealing is being able to complain. Being able to release some of that pent up frustration. Being able to shout "It just isn't fair." Being able to say, as an adult, that divorce still sucks. That just because you are 30, an adult, and capable of processing your feelings in an adult manner... doesn't mean you don't still have to process the emotions and resulting chaos that ensues.

It sucks. Whether you are 5 when it happens, 19, 27, or 43. When your parents divorce it sucks.

NK

[Anonymous]

I recommend you all read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce (Lewis) if you haven't already.