Adult Children of Divorce and 'Home'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is that bad IF at least one parent makes an effort to create and home feeling. It sounds like none of your parents really try.

Don't want to hijack this thread, but wondering what this means/ looks like to adult children of divorce? I'm divorced and my kids are getting close to going away to college. I reallywant to give them a "home base." . Currently in a townhouse that I bought to get the kids through high school in a good school district. I really don't want to be here in 20 years, and don't think it's really cozy and home-y anywau.

I think some of it is unavoidable. I just don't feel at home anymore at my dad's house without my mom there. And when I know I have to pack up my toddlers and all their crap and schlep them over to my mom's house, I feel less at home. Getting less time at each parent's home makes it feel less like a home. But it's not like I get twice as many vacation days because of their divorce, right? I also haaaate how my mom constantly nags me for more grandchild time-- splitting up grandchild time is a natural consequence of divorce, and she was very naive not to anticipate that.

It's nice if you can live in the same area, even if not in the same house. That way they can more easily maintain relationships with friends and feel a sense of continuity and community. That is often a casualty of divorce.

The other major factor is new partners/stepfamily. Disliking a step-parent, problem step-siblings (or younger ones), or a troubled relationship between the parent and step-parent, will make a house not feel like home. Or to be told that a parent can't see you on the holidays because they are with their new spouse's family. Instead of having two parents caring about their children, you have one parent caring, and then some other person who doesn't care as much and has their own agenda.

I realize that these things are very difficult to arrange, if not impossible. That's important for you to understand. I think ultimately, it's best to accept that your children, and their partners and children, will be bearing the burden of your divorce for the rest of your life. Own your choice and acknowledge the consequences. Be understanding of the difficulties this poses-- logistical, financial, and emotional-- and don't try to deny it to make yourself feel better. Things can seem ok in the 20s and early 30s, but it gets a lot more difficult when grandchildren arrive and parents begin to age. The hardest part of having divorced parents is caring for them when they are elderly, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

The hardest part for me is all the planning and schlepping. I wish I could just go the fuck home and be home. I really resent having to discuss separately with each parent what days are good to spend with them, based on the schedules of their new spouses whom I don't even like, and then move my kids back and forth depending on the day. Also having to plan and pay for two different trips for my in-laws who live in different places. It's not like I'm rich.

What you can do, since you asked, is understand the difficulty that your divorce has caused, and accommodate their plans as best you can. That means being available for their entire visit and following their preferences about what they do.

[Anonymous]

I completely get what you are saying. My husband has the same issue with his parents. He's truly displaced and it does create a sense of disconnection. I wish there was more discussion about this as I'm sure it's commonplace with adult children of divorced parents. Both of his parents remarried (which is great for them and they should be happy), but there's no "home" and he certainly doesn't feel comfortable in their houses. It's not like it is family. It's like you are visiting distant friends. I noticed this when we started dating (and that was 20 years ago). It hasn't improved, if anything it's gotten worse.

[Anonymous]

There's really an expectation that adult children of divorce not be sad or grieve the loss of their family. A little bit of complaining about logistics is allowed, but nobody wants to listen to the emotional part. Negative feelings are not allowed-- the are merely evidence of my own failure to be "resilient".

I often wonder what fresh hell awaits me when my parents are elderly and actually need my help. As an only child I really don't know how I will juggle it.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is truly like visiting relatives, not parents. And not even your favorite relatives that you've known all your life and can't wait to catch up with. Staying in the new marital house is exhausting in its own way. A whole new set of rules that I'm not even aware of since I didn't grow up in a household with 'new husband.' And frankly, I don't want to learn. I don't want to have to explain to my kids who his relatives are and why they may or may not be "family," sort of. DONE with the awkwardness.

Example: my Dad was in the hospital and his new wife decorated the room with photos of HER children, and I had to bring my own photos of me & my family. She's a nice person, but her children take priority. She rules the roost and Dad just goes along.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. My parents are still married but I still don't feel like I have a home base really. Yes, you have to deal with step parents, but the reality is I have to deal with siblings in law. And that changes family dynamics too. I no longer feel welcome in my parents house because my brother in law is a self centered ass and sine my sister is the family favorite my parents go along with that. (Each of the grandkids gets a bedroom but I am told to sleep at a hotel or on the the couch, as an example.)

So many people lose their family they had as a kid as they grow up anyway.

[Anonymous]

My DH's parents divorced when he and his two sisters were in their late 20s. His mother remarried. Her husband has 3 children and a adult brother with special needs. Two of the children are teenagers. The extended family is all wonderful, but it really puts a strain on MIL and her husband to visit everyone. There just isn't enough time and money to visit all the family throughout the year. And the teenagers, rightfully so, are a bit needier of time and attention. So it just often seems like they get the majority of the time. Finally, it doesn't help that they bought a house where his family, including his adult son and teenagers, live. It will always just be skewed in the favor of his family.

Finally, to top it all of, DH's father is a big mess. Financially and mentally unstable. Highly functioning and refusing to get mental help. But burning through retirement savings (at 59) and not working a full time job. It is obvious why MIL divorced him, but ultimately, the stress of what to do with him and how to prepare for the inevitable outcome of his selfish behavior has fallen to his children.

My husband's relationship with his mother has never recovered because he felt like her ultimate choice was her own happiness at the expense of his own. Of course, he understands this isn't really fair to her.. and that she did deserve to be happy... but that still leaves him with the burden of his father.

Needless to say, there hasn't been a "home" for him in a long time.

[Anonymous]

I was 12 when they split. For many years it didn't matter to me, but now that I have kids I wish there was a big family Christmas/Easter/whatever at Grandma's house like I had. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins. All on good terms, no drama or weirdness.

^^
OP, please understand that almost no one actually has this. My parents and my spouse's parents are married and trust me, there is no great family holiday where everyone is on good terms and there is no drama or weirdness! If that's how you remember your childhood before age 12, I'm guessing the adults were hiding the drama and bad terms from you. Yes, divorce creates problems, but so do tons of other issues -- mental health, financial problems, resentments, inheiritances, percieved inequities, disagreements over who is making the freaking turkey, new SILs refusal to allow her kid to eat non-organic, etc, etc. Most family gatherings are one degree from boiling over. You are idealizing what you do not have.

[Anonymous]

My husband's parents got divorced after he went to college and we really don't see his Dad as a result because logistically it is too difficult. Also, he is aging poorly but we view it as his responsibility to figure things out. He wanted the divorce and there are consequences. We have more than we can handle with two young kids and two full time jobs. So, my advice is to plan well for your elderly years because you are likely to have to manage most of it alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 12 when they split. For many years it didn't matter to me, but now that I have kids I wish there was a big family Christmas/Easter/whatever at Grandma's house like I had. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins. All on good terms, no drama or weirdness.

^^
OP, please understand that almost no one actually has this. My parents and my spouse's parents are married and trust me, there is no great family holiday where everyone is on good terms and there is no drama or weirdness! If that's how you remember your childhood before age 12, I'm guessing the adults were hiding the drama and bad terms from you. Yes, divorce creates problems, but so do tons of other issues -- mental health, financial problems, resentments, inheiritances, percieved inequities, disagreements over who is making the freaking turkey, new SILs refusal to allow her kid to eat non-organic, etc, etc. Most family gatherings are one degree from boiling over. You are idealizing what you do not have.

I'm sorry, but no they are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard. There's a lot of social pressure to be positive and accepting of our parents' divorces. Yet, even as adults it is painful and burdensome in very real ways, especially as parents age and their decision to divorce means they are alone and vulnerable. People who don't have divorced parents have a hard time understanding.

My parents were divorced by the time I was in elementary school, neither was alone and vulnerable. Where in the h** do you get that? You do realize that some adults choose not to get married at all, are they 'alone and vulnerable' as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is that bad IF at least one parent makes an effort to create and home feeling. It sounds like none of your parents really try.

Don't want to hijack this thread, but wondering what this means/ looks like to adult children of divorce? I'm divorced and my kids are getting close to going away to college. I reallywant to give them a "home base." . Currently in a townhouse that I bought to get the kids through high school in a good school district. I really don't want to be here in 20 years, and don't think it's really cozy and home-y anywau.

I think some of it is unavoidable. I just don't feel at home anymore at my dad's house without my mom there. And when I know I have to pack up my toddlers and all their crap and schlep them over to my mom's house, I feel less at home. Getting less time at each parent's home makes it feel less like a home. But it's not like I get twice as many vacation days because of their divorce, right? I also haaaate how my mom constantly nags me for more grandchild time-- splitting up grandchild time is a natural consequence of divorce, and she was very naive not to anticipate that.

It's nice if you can live in the same area, even if not in the same house. That way they can more easily maintain relationships with friends and feel a sense of continuity and community. That is often a casualty of divorce.

The other major factor is new partners/stepfamily. Disliking a step-parent, problem step-siblings (or younger ones), or a troubled relationship between the parent and step-parent, will make a house not feel like home. Or to be told that a parent can't see you on the holidays because they are with their new spouse's family. Instead of having two parents caring about their children, you have one parent caring, and then some other person who doesn't care as much and has their own agenda.

I realize that these things are very difficult to arrange, if not impossible. That's important for you to understand. I think ultimately, it's best to accept that your children, and their partners and children, will be bearing the burden of your divorce for the rest of your life. Own your choice and acknowledge the consequences. Be understanding of the difficulties this poses-- logistical, financial, and emotional-- and don't try to deny it to make yourself feel better. Things can seem ok in the 20s and early 30s, but it gets a lot more difficult when grandchildren arrive and parents begin to age. The hardest part of having divorced parents is caring for them when they are elderly, in my opinion.

This pp has an agenda. As an adult child of divorce, what makes me feel at home is the way that my parents keep me rooted. "Home" is more of a feeling, a connection to people and memories, less of being a "place". As longs as you have a close relationship with your kids, you nuture that connection with them, no matter where you live will be "home" for them as they grow. Still married couples can decide at 65 to pull up stakes and move across the country. At that season of their life, they should have that option. That feeling of "home" travels with them. Home is truly where the heart is, and that is what I try to make for my family of husband and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH's parents divorced when he and his two sisters were in their late 20s. His mother remarried. Her husband has 3 children and a adult brother with special needs. Two of the children are teenagers. The extended family is all wonderful, but it really puts a strain on MIL and her husband to visit everyone. There just isn't enough time and money to visit all the family throughout the year. And the teenagers, rightfully so, are a bit needier of time and attention. So it just often seems like they get the majority of the time. Finally, it doesn't help that they bought a house where his family, including his adult son and teenagers, live. It will always just be skewed in the favor of his family.

Finally, to top it all of, DH's father is a big mess. Financially and mentally unstable. Highly functioning and refusing to get mental help. But burning through retirement savings (at 59) and not working a full time job. It is obvious why MIL divorced him, but ultimately, the stress of what to do with him and how to prepare for the inevitable outcome of his selfish behavior has fallen to his children.

My husband's relationship with his mother has never recovered because he felt like her ultimate choice was her own happiness at the expense of his own. Of course, he understands this isn't really fair to her.. and that she did deserve to be happy... but that still leaves him with the burden of his father.

Needless to say, there hasn't been a "home" for him in a long time.

I don't get this and I am a child of divorce. My father was a mess financially, and just generally irresponsible during his life until he died. How in the hell is that something I would blame on my mom who divorced him? His irresponsibility was on him. I did what I was willing to do, but if someone chooses to not take charge on their lives, that does not become the burden of the child, it remains squarely on the shoulders of the irresponsible adult.

[Anonymous]

I'm a child of divorce also and this is not my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH's parents divorced when he and his two sisters were in their late 20s. His mother remarried. Her husband has 3 children and a adult brother with special needs. Two of the children are teenagers. The extended family is all wonderful, but it really puts a strain on MIL and her husband to visit everyone. There just isn't enough time and money to visit all the family throughout the year. And the teenagers, rightfully so, are a bit needier of time and attention. So it just often seems like they get the majority of the time. Finally, it doesn't help that they bought a house where his family, including his adult son and teenagers, live. It will always just be skewed in the favor of his family.

Finally, to top it all of, DH's father is a big mess. Financially and mentally unstable. Highly functioning and refusing to get mental help. But burning through retirement savings (at 59) and not working a full time job. It is obvious why MIL divorced him, but ultimately, the stress of what to do with him and how to prepare for the inevitable outcome of his selfish behavior has fallen to his children.

My husband's relationship with his mother has never recovered because he felt like her ultimate choice was her own happiness at the expense of his own. Of course, he understands this isn't really fair to her.. and that she did deserve to be happy... but that still leaves him with the burden of his father.

Needless to say, there hasn't been a "home" for him in a long time.

+1. Divorce puts adult children in a terrible position if there is a needy parent. It's a lot easier to leave a spouse than to abandon an aging parent. Flesh and blood.