Adult Children of Divorce and 'Home'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 12 when they split. For many years it didn't matter to me, but now that I have kids I wish there was a big family Christmas/Easter/whatever at Grandma's house like I had. Lots of aunts, uncles, cousins. All on good terms, no drama or weirdness.

^^
OP, please understand that almost no one actually has this. My parents and my spouse's parents are married and trust me, there is no great family holiday where everyone is on good terms and there is no drama or weirdness! If that's how you remember your childhood before age 12, I'm guessing the adults were hiding the drama and bad terms from you. Yes, divorce creates problems, but so do tons of other issues -- mental health, financial problems, resentments, inheiritances, percieved inequities, disagreements over who is making the freaking turkey, new SILs refusal to allow her kid to eat non-organic, etc, etc. Most family gatherings are one degree from boiling over. You are idealizing what you do not have.

I'm sorry, but no they are not.

+1. My DH has a lovely family with many happy gatherings, and it often makes me wistful to think of what my parents and all of us could have had, if they had been willing to work on their marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband's parents got divorced after he went to college and we really don't see his Dad as a result because logistically it is too difficult. Also, he is aging poorly but we view it as his responsibility to figure things out. He wanted the divorce and there are consequences. We have more than we can handle with two young kids and two full time jobs. So, my advice is to plan well for your elderly years because you are likely to have to manage most of it alone.

your husband sounds like an adult child himself. Why is he blaming his mom?

[Anonymous]

Sorry I referenced the wrong husband!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Really glad that you are commenting. It helps to know there are people in my shoes. It doesn't come up much anymore, so I don't get a chance to talk about it and don't want to bother people with it. So, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP! People may not talk about it, but you have lots of company. We don't have to suffer alone.

[Anonymous]

PP here. My FIL is the mess and my DH feels responsible for him.

I mean, yes, FIL is responsible for himself. DH understands this.. and for now.. is ok with that being the case. But at some point.. we know that we will probably have to make some really tough decisions that, if there were a spouse, we would not be making. For instance, at the end of the day, are we going to let him live on the street? Are we going to not help him get medical care? Are we going to see him go hungry? There is an added element of undiagnosed mental issues here. DH believes strongly that FIL is currently sick.. thus, not all of these irresponsible decisions are necessarily his "fault."

So no, we are not legally responsible (Although.. if you research Filial Duty rules there does seem to be a trend moving towards some level of legal responsibility.) But morally.... ethically.. we will have to step in.

Of course my DH does not begrudge my MIL her happiness. But, again, there is some level of burden that was shifted onto him as a result of the divorce. And, potentially, a legal burden as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. My FIL is the mess and my DH feels responsible for him.

I mean, yes, FIL is responsible for himself. DH understands this.. and for now.. is ok with that being the case. But at some point.. we know that we will probably have to make some really tough decisions that, if there were a spouse, we would not be making. For instance, at the end of the day, are we going to let him live on the street? Are we going to not help him get medical care? Are we going to see him go hungry? There is an added element of undiagnosed mental issues here. DH believes strongly that FIL is currently sick.. thus, not all of these irresponsible decisions are necessarily his "fault."

So no, we are not legally responsible (Although.. if you research Filial Duty rules there does seem to be a trend moving towards some level of legal responsibility.) But morally.... ethically.. we will have to step in.

Of course my DH does not begrudge my MIL her happiness. But, again, there is some level of burden that was shifted onto him as a result of the divorce. And, potentially, a legal burden as well.

+1. The spouse can check out and wash her hands of the situation, abandoning her children to cope on their own. It's easy to say "he's responsible for himself" but when it really comes down to it, are you going to let your own father become homeless? I couldn't do it, myself, nor could I explain to my own children that that's what I'm doing.

[Anonymous]

I only lost my sense of "home" after my dad sold the house. That's when I felt like I had nowhere to go back to. They divorced when I was in college, and I wish they had done it sooner. I was old enough to see it for what it was, and it helped me decide to make *my* home my home in my heart.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's 18:47 again. I've had to make big efforts to get grandparents over here. I'm flying my stepdad over here for the holidays (my mom passed last year). It's a thing I can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. My FIL is the mess and my DH feels responsible for him.

I mean, yes, FIL is responsible for himself. DH understands this.. and for now.. is ok with that being the case. But at some point.. we know that we will probably have to make some really tough decisions that, if there were a spouse, we would not be making. For instance, at the end of the day, are we going to let him live on the street? Are we going to not help him get medical care? Are we going to see him go hungry? There is an added element of undiagnosed mental issues here. DH believes strongly that FIL is currently sick.. thus, not all of these irresponsible decisions are necessarily his "fault."

So no, we are not legally responsible (Although.. if you research Filial Duty rules there does seem to be a trend moving towards some level of legal responsibility.) But morally.... ethically.. we will have to step in.

Of course my DH does not begrudge my MIL her happiness. But, again, there is some level of burden that was shifted onto him as a result of the divorce. And, potentially, a legal burden as well.

I posted earlier that there are elements of this that I do not get. If his parents stated married he would just leave his mom to have to deal with everything concerni g the irresponsible dad? This makes no sense to me. I did for my irresponsible dad as much as I was willing to do. The key is start now having the discussions with the dad about getting his affairs in order . I suggest taking out LTC and life insurance. However, I would let him know that if he is not willing to do his part, that you are not willing to turn your life upside down to take of an adult who is not willing to take care of himself . Believe me it sounds quite noble to think you have to take this on, until it ones time to have to do it. Your DH needs to get in front of this now before you are trying to figure out if you can pay your mortgage or FIL's next month. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. My FIL is the mess and my DH feels responsible for him.

I mean, yes, FIL is responsible for himself. DH understands this.. and for now.. is ok with that being the case. But at some point.. we know that we will probably have to make some really tough decisions that, if there were a spouse, we would not be making. For instance, at the end of the day, are we going to let him live on the street? Are we going to not help him get medical care? Are we going to see him go hungry? There is an added element of undiagnosed mental issues here. DH believes strongly that FIL is currently sick.. thus, not all of these irresponsible decisions are necessarily his "fault."

So no, we are not legally responsible (Although.. if you research Filial Duty rules there does seem to be a trend moving towards some level of legal responsibility.) But morally.... ethically.. we will have to step in.

Of course my DH does not begrudge my MIL her happiness. But, again, there is some level of burden that was shifted onto him as a result of the divorce. And, potentially, a legal burden as well.

+1. The spouse can check out and wash her hands of the situation, abandoning her children to cope on their own. It's easy to say "he's responsible for himself" but when it really comes down to it, are you going to let your own father become homeless? I couldn't do it, myself, nor could I explain to my own children that that's what I'm doing.

You are ignorant, seriously ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. My FIL is the mess and my DH feels responsible for him.

I mean, yes, FIL is responsible for himself. DH understands this.. and for now.. is ok with that being the case. But at some point.. we know that we will probably have to make some really tough decisions that, if there were a spouse, we would not be making. For instance, at the end of the day, are we going to let him live on the street? Are we going to not help him get medical care? Are we going to see him go hungry? There is an added element of undiagnosed mental issues here. DH believes strongly that FIL is currently sick.. thus, not all of these irresponsible decisions are necessarily his "fault."

So no, we are not legally responsible (Although.. if you research Filial Duty rules there does seem to be a trend moving towards some level of legal responsibility.) But morally.... ethically.. we will have to step in.

Of course my DH does not begrudge my MIL her happiness. But, again, there is some level of burden that was shifted onto him as a result of the divorce. And, potentially, a legal burden as well.

I posted earlier that there are elements of this that I do not get. If his parents stated married he would just leave his mom to have to deal with everything concerni g the irresponsible dad? This makes no sense to me. I did for my irresponsible dad as much as I was willing to do. The key is start now having the discussions with the dad about getting his affairs in order . I suggest taking out LTC and life insurance. However, I would let him know that if he is not willing to do his part, that you are not willing to turn your life upside down to take of an adult who is not willing to take care of himself . Believe me it sounds quite noble to think you have to take this on, until it ones time to have to do it. Your DH needs to get in front of this now before you are trying to figure out if you can pay your mortgage or FIL's next month. BTDT.

If they stayed married, the mom would at least be helping deal with the dad, so it would be easier than dealing with the dad on his own. The mom would likely be the first responder for all emergencies, dealing with most of the medical appointments, providing companionship, and helping to manage the home. Without the mom, the children are on the front lines for every little thing and it's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Here's something I don't understand with this discussion. Some people complain that their divorced parents remarried and the new spouse and/or step-siblings make them feel unwelcome. Others complain that their divorced parents are alone and vulnerable as they age, leaving their adult children with too much care-giving responsibility. So which is preferable: parents who remarry or parents who stay single? Seems like a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

[Anonymous]

And that's the rub. There is virtually no good outcome- even for adult children of divorce. The only situations I have seen that seem ok for the kids is where the parent is capable but not remarried. Of course- that outcome is not necessarily what is best for the parent but it is the best scenario for the adult child.

I think the big thing is- with married parents you know and are fine with the idea of eventually sharing the burden of helping your parents. But you assume that won't happen- barring unforeseen cirumstances- for a long time. You will have a chance to raise your kids first- with the added comfort of your own parents remaining together and helping one another. But for children of divorce- you are often asked or by default become the supporting partner with the added bonus of having to be the "adult" in te relationship. You are not always ready for that burden.

For my DH, the divorce marked the end of his parents "parenting". They love him and remain his friend and supporter. But they do not parent. For some people- this is what they want. But others are not ready to lose their "parent."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And that's the rub. There is virtually no good outcome- even for adult children of divorce. The only situations I have seen that seem ok for the kids is where the parent is capable but not remarried. Of course- that outcome is not necessarily what is best for the parent but it is the best scenario for the adult child.

I think the big thing is- with married parents you know and are fine with the idea of eventually sharing the burden of helping your parents. But you assume that won't happen- barring unforeseen cirumstances- for a long time. You will have a chance to raise your kids first- with the added comfort of your own parents remaining together and helping one another. But for children of divorce- you are often asked or by default become the supporting partner with the added bonus of having to be the "adult" in te relationship. You are not always ready for that burden.

For my DH, the divorce marked the end of his parents "parenting". They love him and remain his friend and supporter. But they do not parent. For some people- this is what they want. But others are not ready to lose their "parent."

Please don't speak for me, I am an adult child of divorce who turned out well. Divorce sucks, but is sometimes necessary, there are people that never should have been together and are maki g each other and the kids miserable. All kinds of stuff happens in life, you deal with it. Divorce does not make the child the default parent, poor parenting does, and that kind of dysfunction can happen in or out of a marriage.marruage or divorce does not make someone vulnerable as they age. Those are outcomes based on health and financial planning. You speak as if being married guarantees that only one spouse will need care in their old age and the other will be the primary care taker. Do you know how many people I know who are helping to take care of sickly MARRIED parents?
Is divorce what I want for my family, no, but I am not going to declare that it has eternally messed up every adult child of divorce. Your narrow 1 or 2 outcomes are not all there is.