Need some 'tough talk advice" from strict parents!!

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter in college and we pay about the same amount as you. I would never tell my DD to suck it up if she was experiencing a stress that could be relieved so easily. While GPA is important, my real concern is my DD's health and happiness. Clearly your daughter has conveyed to you that she is failing at a number of points. She is suffering extreme stress. Her professor (an outside observer) has noted that the sport is too much for your daughter to handle in conjunction with her class load. She is probably not doing well at the sport because of anxiety and her other classes are quite possibly suffering as well because the sport is too time consuming. You seem fixated on getting your money's worth. Why pay full price for subpar grades? Whether she takes 13 credits or 21 credits you are paying one price. Why endanger her health and her future over a class she can always take later? Why let her continue in a sport that puts her under so much duress? How is that getting your money's worth? Next time she has a crisis and needs someone to turn to, will it be you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No she will be a full time student but hits school is around $58,000 and we will lose the money. She cannot make it up she would have to do it in the summer (more money) or next year 5 classes which as a field hockey player would be an overload. She probably can end up with a C+ once the work outstanding is done.
But I feel like by letting her quit its buying into what I have allowed her whole life. How about telling her I expect her to step it up? Wrong? Really could use your opinion if this were your kid?

OP, what's the full dollar cost to you if DD drops the class? I agree with PP that your DD needs to seek out more academic advising, even if it it's understandable that she didn't expect this class to be so hard. Have you ever thought about what you can or can't pay for, and talked with DD about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

saying she HAS to drop the course ... I told her no

You are not responsible for he decisions anymore. She shouldn't be getting your permission. Ideally it shouldn't occur to her to ask for your permission.

Her life/her choices/her mistakes. Yes/your money perhaps. You can decide to pay or not, or make her reimburse you, whatever - but that's your role: money. And not much else.
Maybe to listen. If she wants to vent. She may talk to you like a friend. But like a friend, a friend is not going to say, "you can't do xx".

See I had parents like you in college, and it sucked. If her DD is calling home and asking for permission, her DD needs help. Yes, she is adult but it is a tough decision and can have ramifications both financial and education wise. The biggest mistake my parents made was believing that just because I went off to college I had it all figured out no longer need help or guidance. I made that same mistake myself and stopped asking for support. Looking back now, I see my friends who had the biggest support from their parents in college and grad school made it much further and had an easier time. BTW I am almost 50.

Help and guidance is not the same as making the decision for a kid. The OP says that she's been a helicopter parent, which means that the solution is to step back a bit and let her kids make decisions for themselves and then deal with the consequences. That doesn't preclude OP from listening and giving advice (which she should do if asked, certainly) but it does mean that the ultimate decision has to be the daughter's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+1. Let her drop the class. If it takes her more than 4 years, then she comes up with the money for any years beyond 4. Where I went to school, kids dropped a class all the time. In fact, I probably dropped one every year. Sometimes I would sign up for an additional class just to see if I liked it, and then drop it if I didn't. As long as you're a full-time student, it doesn't usually cost more to take more classes. A bad grade will do more damage in the long run than a dropped class.

This! OP the worst thing you can do after having been a softie all these years is to just come down like a ton of bricks over the wrong thing. This is the wrong thing. Kids drop classes all the time. It is not a big deal. Call her. Tell her you over reacted. And let her drop it. Your anger is misplaced here.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a daughter in college and we pay about the same amount as you. I would never tell my DD to suck it up if she was experiencing a stress that could be relieved so easily. While GPA is important, my real concern is my DD's health and happiness. Clearly your daughter has conveyed to you that she is failing at a number of points. She is suffering extreme stress. Her professor (an outside observer) has noted that the sport is too much for your daughter to handle in conjunction with her class load. She is probably not doing well at the sport because of anxiety and her other classes are quite possibly suffering as well because the sport is too time consuming. You seem fixated on getting your money's worth. Why pay full price for subpar grades? Whether she takes 13 credits or 21 credits you are paying one price. Why endanger her health and her future over a class she can always take later? Why let her continue in a sport that puts her under so much duress? How is that getting your money's worth? Next time she has a crisis and needs someone to turn to, will it be you?

Very well said.

Too many people forget that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some parents here saying you have no say are parents of younger kids. I know if it were me footing that kind of bill, HELL YES I would expect to have a say. But yes by the same token would hear her out and be there if she needs me.

By that I mean if this teacher is unnecessarily harsh, then maybe it needs to be looked into. I do think she needs to figure out a way to at least partially reimburse you if it comes to her dropping the class. Even if its 1/4, just for the lesson that it will teach her, that every decision has a consequence both good AND bad.

.

Please no. As a professor, I assure you that a parent calling on behalf of your special snowflake does them absolutely no favors at all. Actually, we sit around and compare stories of the most outrageous helicopter parent contacts we've received at parties.

The vast, vast majority of the time, what happens is that the professor has done something ridiculous like expect your child to show up for class, turn in work on time or that meets the course requirements, and/or participate in class discussions having read the assigned material ahead of time, as set out in the course syllabus.

[Anonymous]

I agree that there is a difference between guidance and helicoptering. Help your daughter understand the options available to her (one of which should be dropping the class but paying for the extra cost associated with it) and then let her decide.

And as for paying for the dropped class, here is an idea. I had an agreement with my parents that I would pay them back for half of law school. They paid upfront, and we had an agreed upon amount that I had to pay them back once I started working. And I did.

To my parents' credit, they didn't actually need the money so they required me to pay it into a brokerage account, which they then turned over to me when I was paid up (about $40,000 or $50,000 I think). The point, though, was that I had "skin in the game" for law school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some parents here saying you have no say are parents of younger kids. I know if it were me footing that kind of bill, HELL YES I would expect to have a say. But yes by the same token would hear her out and be there if she needs me.

By that I mean if this teacher is unnecessarily harsh, then maybe it needs to be looked into. I do think she needs to figure out a way to at least partially reimburse you if it comes to her dropping the class. Even if its 1/4, just for the lesson that it will teach her, that every decision has a consequence both good AND bad.

.

Please no. As a professor, I assure you that a parent calling on behalf of your special snowflake does them absolutely no favors at all. Actually, we sit around and compare stories of the most outrageous helicopter parent contacts we've received at parties.

The vast, vast majority of the time, what happens is that the professor has done something ridiculous like expect your child to show up for class, turn in work on time or that meets the course requirements, and/or participate in class discussions having read the assigned material ahead of time, as set out in the course syllabus.

+1!

OP has belatedly recognized that she was a helicopter parent and it has backfired (take note other helicopters! time to land!). Contacting and getting involved with your college-age kids' professors is the worst possible thing a parent can do. It's bad enough that parents do it for their high school-age kids, but it really should stop by the time they are in college. Every college campus has a number of resources available to students including peer tutoring, professor's office hours and student support services (both academic and emotional). As parents we should provide guidance and suggestions, but we have to let them make the decision themselves.

OP - sadly your DD has not had the opportunity to learn how to handle things on her own and is struggling. You need to offer her guidance and suggestions, but then back off and have her decide. It will be a long road due to your past over-parenting, but she will get there. She wants you to make the decision for her not only because she wants you to pay for it, but also because she can "blame" you when it comes time to have to take additional time to graduate. "My mom told me to drop that class so I now have to take more time to graduate..." You are also having trouble removing yourself from the situation given your 2nd post that described how unfair the professor was being...how do you really know that he was truly that unfair? You weren't in the classroom and you admitted that your DD can have an entitled attitude and not handle herself well. Quite frankly, I think she is playing you and you are falling for it. I suspect the professor probably was off-put by your DD's crappy attitude about his class, but wasn't really that bad. I wouldn't be surprised it she is exaggerating the situation in order for you to jump into action. Also, why would you encourage her by suggesting that the class she is taking is not worthwhile. You suggest that art is not worthy in your post, but then admit that your daughter is in over her head by the class...be careful of dismissing something simply because it doesn't come naturally to your DD.

Bottom line is that your DD needs to learn how to handle herself better with professors and people. This will not be the last professor that she doesn't particularly like and she will not like all of her bosses in life either, but she needs to learn how to put her head down at times and figure out how to make it work. And the key to this whole thing is that SHE has to figure it out. If I were you I would give her both options like the PP suggested - drop the class and she pays for the additional credits needed or stick it out and try to get a decent grade. Either way she needs to decide and "own" the decision. Then, you step back and never mention it again (other than to ask for the money when needed). You then need to encourage her to reach out for help on campus as much as possible - I'm sure her school has plenty of support systems in place. In the future refrain from jumping to her defense in every situation with a professor. Yes, some professors are assholes, but that's life. You've got to figure it out and stop feeding your DD's persecution complex...

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

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