Need some 'tough talk advice" from strict parents!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This need to be a choice, with her understanding the consequences.
Choice A: Stay in the class, work hard but understand there might be a low grade going on her transcript.
Choice B: drop the class, but understand that you the parents are not paying for dropped classes, so if she needs to make up this credit with another course in another semester, she is going to need to pay for that.

Neither choice is fun/ideal, and that's the point. Part of being an adult is finding yourself in situations where you have to make tough choices, and then live with the decisions. The experience then (hopefully) becomes a learning moment for you, and helps you avoid getting yourself into similar situations in the future.

This. Although I would feel some sympathy in this situation because I can see how one would not necessarily anticipate an elective (easy) class being so problematic. Hopefully she'll do her homework and avoid this sort of thing in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will condense this, have 2 in college, I have been one of those admittedly helicopter parents who was too hands on, there for every fall. Oh man if I coudl do things differently. My kids are good kids but no fault of their own used to mommy fixing everything.

I have gone back to school and working so there is no longer the luxury of time, which has been a silver lining as its forcing me to "get tough" with both of them plus the 2 at home. I normally hear from them when they A.want money B.are not doing well in a class or calling to tell me how much the teacher hates them (said tongue in cheek)

My D calls yesterday super dramatic about how one of her teachers "has it out for her" and told her she is getting a D (she is an A/B student) and how she can quit her field hockey team if this is how she is going to do in his class. It is not a significant class (along the line of art) but she is struggling. She is no art scholar and its a very in depth course however I know she can do it if she really has to. I know her attitude too which can be somewhat entitled, we have tried teaching her that she sometimes needs to be a politician with teachers, my gut says she rubbed him the wrong way.

So she calls hysterical, in tears saying she HAS to drop the course, today is the last day. I told her no she has to stick it out, thats a lot of moeny and she cannot change classes at this point. Now I know she COULD drop it and the old me is ready to call her and say OK just drop it and it will make everything better but the "new and still in the works me" practically hung up on her a short while ago telling her she needs to figure it out and stick it out no matter what.

I could use some advice here, please no harsh words, I have given myself more than enough trust me, recognizing that I created her seemingly inability to cope when things don't go quite right. So...if this were your child what would you do? How would you handle? Thanks in advance....

Call your daughter and, first thing, apologize to her for hanging up on her, because that's dreadfully bad manners.

Tell her you were wrong and she can drop the class.

She'll respect you way more if you admit you made a mistake, both concerning manners and concerning the issue, that if you keep "being tough" for the sake of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This need to be a choice, with her understanding the consequences.
Choice A: Stay in the class, work hard but understand there might be a low grade going on her transcript.
Choice B: drop the class, but understand that you the parents are not paying for dropped classes, so if she needs to make up this credit with another course in another semester, she is going to need to pay for that.

Neither choice is fun/ideal, and that's the point. Part of being an adult is finding yourself in situations where you have to make tough choices, and then live with the decisions. The experience then (hopefully) becomes a learning moment for you, and helps you avoid getting yourself into similar situations in the future.

this is good advice. Does your DD know how much you are paying? I think all college kids should be aware of the costs. Maybe if you break down the cost for her, she'd be more inclined to try harder.

On a side note, holy cow $58K/yr. I'm scared. My oldest is only 9. How much is college going to cost in 9 yrs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This need to be a choice, with her understanding the consequences.
Choice A: Stay in the class, work hard but understand there might be a low grade going on her transcript.
Choice B: drop the class, but understand that you the parents are not paying for dropped classes, so if she needs to make up this credit with another course in another semester, she is going to need to pay for that.

Neither choice is fun/ideal, and that's the point. Part of being an adult is finding yourself in situations where you have to make tough choices, and then live with the decisions. The experience then (hopefully) becomes a learning moment for you, and helps you avoid getting yourself into similar situations in the future.

I agree. This is not your choice. The key to not helicoptering is letting your children make decisions for themselves and then living with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This need to be a choice, with her understanding the consequences.
Choice A: Stay in the class, work hard but understand there might be a low grade going on her transcript.
Choice B: drop the class, but understand that you the parents are not paying for dropped classes, so if she needs to make up this credit with another course in another semester, she is going to need to pay for that.

Neither choice is fun/ideal, and that's the point. Part of being an adult is finding yourself in situations where you have to make tough choices, and then live with the decisions. The experience then (hopefully) becomes a learning moment for you, and helps you avoid getting yourself into similar situations in the future.

This. However, make sure she doesn't think if she drops the class you are just threatenening to make her pay for it and will actually "cave" when the time comes. Any way you can do something to the effect of, "since we have to pay for this class you dropped, we are going to stop payong your cell phone, clothing, extra $$ for fun" until you are made whole? This works if you are giving her a monthly allowance or stipend.

[Anonymous]

Yes, kids drop classes all the time. I always used to keep a sharp eye on the drop deadlines. I had straight A's in high school and the first two years of college, but seriously some professors seem to make their classes unpassable. I think she should be allowed to make this decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this your decision? You're still helicoptering. Is this an elective? Does she need it for graduation? Will she have to take a different class? Perhaps next time she'll choose more wisely. I'd let her drop it, but I'd let it be her decision. Back off!

I dropped a class in college and I had to take a larger load one semester senior year. I think the problem is that she is asking you. I didn't ask my parents. I told them. I am having an issue with this class and I am dropping it. My mom said--we will pay for 4 years of college and over that it's on you. Got it. Fixed it and life went on.

[Anonymous]

Meaning I understood and believed her. There was no drama.

[Anonymous]

saying she HAS to drop the course ... I told her no

You are not responsible for he decisions anymore. She shouldn't be getting your permission. Ideally it shouldn't occur to her to ask for your permission.

Her life/her choices/her mistakes. Yes/your money perhaps. You can decide to pay or not, or make her reimburse you, whatever - but that's your role: money. And not much else.
Maybe to listen. If she wants to vent. She may talk to you like a friend. But like a friend, a friend is not going to say, "you can't do xx".

[Anonymous]

You are not responsible for her decisions anymore.

Op, at this point in parenting ~ you should receive no credit, and accept no blame.
It's quite freeing actually.

[Anonymous]

Details won't matter once you understand this

[Anonymous]

I think some parents here saying you have no say are parents of younger kids. I know if it were me footing that kind of bill, HELL YES I would expect to have a say. But yes by the same token would hear her out and be there if she needs me.

By that I mean if this teacher is unnecessarily harsh, then maybe it needs to be looked into. I do think she needs to figure out a way to at least partially reimburse you if it comes to her dropping the class. Even if its 1/4, just for the lesson that it will teach her, that every decision has a consequence both good AND bad.

My bigger concern would be if my s or d is trying hard enough to make it work. Yes some classes are hard, some teachers are ridiculous but hey that's life and they better get used to it. If they cannot learn to navigate life's speed bumps oh dear lord how will they handle the craters? And they WILL come! Hang tough mom, I would really really try to encourage her to stay in the class, work with the teacher and do all it takes.

What she learns from STAYING in the class and getting hopefully a decent passing grade will far far outweigh what she takes away from dropping it.

[Anonymous]

No way would I make her take the class! Why wreck her grade point average? Just drop the class. This is NOT the hill to die on.

[Anonymous]

The biggest problem here is that the daughter is using her mother as her academic advisor. The student should have a faculty advisor that will show her how to juggle athletic obligations with her academic schedule.

The second biggest problem is the panic over the GPA. College GPA is not nearly as important as the high school GPA and nobody is going to give a hoot if she gets a C- in her basket-weaving class.

[Anonymous]

So she takes a summer school class- what's that 5-$600? Make her work to pay for it. I have teenagers and I'm no softie--but don't make her wreck her grades. Some teachers really are assholes.