Need some 'tough talk advice" from strict parents!!

[Anonymous]

I will condense this, have 2 in college, I have been one of those admittedly helicopter parents who was too hands on, there for every fall. Oh man if I coudl do things differently. My kids are good kids but no fault of their own used to mommy fixing everything.

I have gone back to school and working so there is no longer the luxury of time, which has been a silver lining as its forcing me to "get tough" with both of them plus the 2 at home. I normally hear from them when they A.want money B.are not doing well in a class or calling to tell me how much the teacher hates them (said tongue in cheek)

My D calls yesterday super dramatic about how one of her teachers "has it out for her" and told her she is getting a D (she is an A/B student) and how she can quit her field hockey team if this is how she is going to do in his class. It is not a significant class (along the line of art) but she is struggling. She is no art scholar and its a very in depth course however I know she can do it if she really has to. I know her attitude too which can be somewhat entitled, we have tried teaching her that she sometimes needs to be a politician with teachers, my gut says she rubbed him the wrong way.

So she calls hysterical, in tears saying she HAS to drop the course, today is the last day. I told her no she has to stick it out, thats a lot of moeny and she cannot change classes at this point. Now I know she COULD drop it and the old me is ready to call her and say OK just drop it and it will make everything better but the "new and still in the works me" practically hung up on her a short while ago telling her she needs to figure it out and stick it out no matter what.

I could use some advice here, please no harsh words, I have given myself more than enough trust me, recognizing that I created her seemingly inability to cope when things don't go quite right. So...if this were your child what would you do? How would you handle? Thanks in advance....

[Anonymous]

I think she needs to drop the class. Especially if she's getting a D. Make her pay back the money though if you're paying for college.

[Anonymous]

I agree, let her drop the class. You're over-parenting by not allowing her to make this decision on her own. Why is there a money difference? Will she not count as a full-time student if she drops it?

[Anonymous]

No she will be a full time student but hits school is around $58,000 and we will lose the money. She cannot make it up she would have to do it in the summer (more money) or next year 5 classes which as a field hockey player would be an overload. She probably can end up with a C+ once the work outstanding is done.
But I feel like by letting her quit its buying into what I have allowed her whole life. How about telling her I expect her to step it up? Wrong? Really could use your opinion if this were your kid?

[Anonymous]

I would make her speak directly with the prof to see if there was any hope of saving her grade and negotiate what it would take. If it is possible to get a B or better (with extra course work etc), then she stays and commits to the negotiated extra work.

But some professors grade on an absolute scale - every point off per test is the equivalent of a % point off her grade. She may truly be beyond hope. And at some point, you don't want a D to be in her GPA - that will haunt her forever. (I had one back in college despite all other grades being B & higher because I was too stubborn and in denial to drop the class. I still had to explain myself when trying to go back to school for another degree 20 years later. Not insurmountable, but man what a pain!). If so, then have her drop it & pay you back.

[Anonymous]

I recall feeling victimized as a teen and young adult if things weren't going my way... It wasn't a result of coddling parents but more just an immaturity that I eventually grew out of.

I agree that if your DD needs to drop the course to avoid the "D" then so be it- but she should pay back at least part of the money. It sounds like your DD wants to have this fixed without consequences to herself. You could consider an option of "payback" or "get out of jail free" card. That is, she has one forgiveness situation (a lot of people drop at least one class in college) and after that, it's either a grade or financial consequence.

With our child (eight year old) when he loses or damages things- he has to pay some of it out of his allowance. We recently had a situation where he lost two water bottles at school (the expensive kind). I handled it by taking some of his allowance money and purchasing *his* water bottle. Now if he loses it, he has lost his own property. He would have to buy another or go on a payment plan with me-- same with sporting equipment, etc. He is becoming motivated to solve problems for himself when he knows there will be a result.

[Anonymous]

If she's going to spend a lot of time playing athletics, she may very well take more than the standard 4 years to complete her degree. There's not reason a teacher should give her a break just because she's on a team.

[Anonymous]

So agree that no teacher should make exceptions but this one sounds difficult and pardon the expression like a hardass, chastising her in front of the class and said " there is no future in field hockey" its a waste of time. Look at me I am 46 never played a sport and work out every day! (this is the teacher speaking).
Bottom line is I am not opposed to her dropping it, as its not one of her core classes but it is a lot of money and i want to be sure we are not sending the wrong message. I was not aware that many kids drop classes? Maybe more common than I thought?

[Anonymous]

Why is this your decision? You're still helicoptering. Is this an elective? Does she need it for graduation? Will she have to take a different class? Perhaps next time she'll choose more wisely. I'd let her drop it, but I'd let it be her decision. Back off!

[Anonymous]

no way she needs to see and feel the consequences. no dropping the class, deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No she will be a full time student but hits school is around $58,000 and we will lose the money. She cannot make it up she would have to do it in the summer (more money) or next year 5 classes which as a field hockey player would be an overload. She probably can end up with a C+ once the work outstanding is done.
But I feel like by letting her quit its buying into what I have allowed her whole life. How about telling her I expect her to step it up? Wrong? Really could use your opinion if this were your kid?

PP here- I responded with the story about my eight year old.... This sounds like even paying the money back would be difficult for your DD. If she can step it up and get a c+ I would make her do it. Treat it like (whether it's true or not) that it's the only choice. You don't have the money to pay for another class, period. This is her problem to solve,

[Anonymous]

Can she get tutoring? Maybe that would be the solution to get her up to a B.

[Anonymous]

Yes, kids drop classes all the time. Frequently, it's done too often and then they wind up like my nephew taking 5+ years to graduate. However, she may not have a prayer with an ass of a teacher and dropping one or two classes over four years is no big deal. Can't she take a comparable summer class at a local school and transfer in the credits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this your decision? You're still helicoptering. Is this an elective? Does she need it for graduation? Will she have to take a different class? Perhaps next time she'll choose more wisely. I'd let her drop it, but I'd let it be her decision. Back off!

Not OP but um, since she is paying the almost $60k I think THATS why its her decision or at least partly her decision. If it were me, I would tell D to do the best she can, make a B her goal but if shes ends up with a C its a life lesson. I would not allow her to drop it unless she was at or near failing with no hope in sight. It thats the case, then let her drop it, tell her you will allow it this once but not ever again and she will have to make it up come summer while all her friends are at the beach. The important thing is allow her to feel the consequence one way or another, while being fair.

[Anonymous]

This need to be a choice, with her understanding the consequences.
Choice A: Stay in the class, work hard but understand there might be a low grade going on her transcript.
Choice B: drop the class, but understand that you the parents are not paying for dropped classes, so if she needs to make up this credit with another course in another semester, she is going to need to pay for that.

Neither choice is fun/ideal, and that's the point. Part of being an adult is finding yourself in situations where you have to make tough choices, and then live with the decisions. The experience then (hopefully) becomes a learning moment for you, and helps you avoid getting yourself into similar situations in the future.