I feel like everyday is a shit day since having kids

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like where I was with my first at 3 y.o. I had a horrible job, DH had a horrible job, I was being criticized left and right because I was a bad mom (not home enough, not changing enough diapers, not potty training in time, lousy housekeeper, etc.). If you are letting external expectations control your feelings, stop. Find new definitions for "shitty". Shitty is when someone dies. Good is when you get through the day and no one has been injured. Seriously, with little kids, there will be tantrums and crying, no doubt. You could let that move your or not.

I can tell you from years of therapy, you can control how you react (if you are not depressed, which I am pretty sure I was when No. 1 was 3).

Here is an example: The other day, older kids slipped on the ice and banged her hip. DH had had both kids in the car in the driveway on the way to errands and he sent No. 1 back in to get something, and she banged her hip pretty badly as she fell. He got out of the car, picked up the kid and brought her in to me wailing. As I tried to tend to her, next thing I know, he's back in with our 3 y.o. wailing, either because she was worried about No. 1 or she was left alone in the car for a minute or she figured out I was in the house without her. Whatever. Dh dropped the kids and went to do the quick thing he had to do. He could not stay, and I agreed. I could not soothe either, or the other would wail harder. I finally realized neither was going to die, and I just stood there laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. I actually grabbed my phone to film the scene to show DH what he had left me with. then they stopped crying. Until I put the phone back down, and they started wailing again. I couldn't win, but the time was finite.

Years ago, I would have been crying myself, thinking I had to resolve the situation and not being able to. Now, I just recognize I can't do it all, and muddling through is good enough.

As for the age, it depends on your 3 y.o, but I do think it is one of the cutest ages, albeit prone to emotional outbursts. When I was struggling when No. 1 was three, I tried to keep a log of 3 good things that happened each day. trying to get the positive mindset back. Try hugging everyone in your family just for the heck of it at least once a day. Hold on, even if the only one who will hug back is your husband. It will help you feel more connected.


Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shut your pie hole, 17:35.

She's right!

She's 200% right!

I don't agree. I really enjoy my teen and tween; my teen in particular is much easier now than when he was little.

Same here. I thought the 3-6 stage was the least fun part of parenting. I adore having two teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Shut your pie hole, 17:35.

She's right!

She's 200% right!

I don't agree. I really enjoy my teen and tween; my teen in particular is much easier now than when he was little.

Same here. I thought the 3-6 stage was the least fun part of parenting. I adore having two teens.

Same here. My teenagers (13 and 16) are awesome. The "little years" were the hardest for me.

[Anonymous]

You have to choose happiness. No one will give it to you. Refuse to give in to other people's negative emotions. You can't control the people around you but you can control how you react to them. You need to learn to let it slide off you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, how old were you when you had kids?

I don't have kids, but it kinda wonder if you were low 30s or younger.

If you'd made it to my age, thirty nine, without kids or a husband, you might be able to look back at your life with less rosy colored glasses.

Being single and childless in your twenties is awesome.

As you get older, not so much. It's a little lonely.

That said, I'm kinda amazed by parents. It does look really hard and exhausting.

speak for yourself. I'm 38, no kids. i've had a couple of miscarriages and ultimately decided that I actually like not having children. (the miscarriages were still devastating, but the reality is i'm not a kid person and the anxiety i had about all of that went away when i started giving up on the notion of having kids.)

I am married, but some days, I totally miss living alone. (i lived alone into my 30s, so , no, I'm not idealizing some 20s awesome life.) But I've always been an introvert and have always enjoyed my alone time.

I think that is key. Some PPs say "well lots of people have kids and jobs and they don't hate every day." But there are lots of different personalities. Some people don't like that much people interaction -- a full day at work with other people and their issues/needs/wants, coming home to a houseful of other people and their issues/needs/wants. Never having much time when you're not surrounded by other people and their issues/needs/wants that you are under obligation to deal with.

Some people get exhausted by too much interpersonal interaction -- even with people they love and care about. I think those people have a much tougher time having kids.

[Anonymous]

I used to feel like that then my kids got a bit older. Then it was better and I was feeling great.

Then recently I got a puppy and now I feel again like you do. I miss just my 7 and 9 yr old days...

This too will pass. Hope we both hang in there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I got a good night sleep last night and DH gave me the morning off. I feel like a new woman.

I don't think I am depressed. Everyday has unpleasantness but the entire day is not bad. I guess it is unfair to say everyday is a shit day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, how old were you when you had kids?

I don't have kids, but it kinda wonder if you were low 30s or younger.

If you'd made it to my age, thirty nine, without kids or a husband, you might be able to look back at your life with less rosy colored glasses.

Being single and childless in your twenties is awesome.

As you get older, not so much. It's a little lonely.

That said, I'm kinda amazed by parents. It does look really hard and exhausting.

OP here. I had kids in my early 30's. I studied hard and partied hard in school. I loved my career. Life was good. I loved to travel.

I do admit I am resentful because my career has taken a hit. I have a job that is meh and I keep it because it allows me flexibility for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I got a good night sleep last night and DH gave me the morning off. I feel like a new woman.

I don't think I am depressed. Everyday has unpleasantness but the entire day is not bad. I guess it is unfair to say everyday is a shit day.

Sleep is a beautiful thing, ain't it? Glad you feel renewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I got a good night sleep last night and DH gave me the morning off. I feel like a new woman.

I don't think I am depressed. Everyday has unpleasantness but the entire day is not bad. I guess it is unfair to say everyday is a shit day.

AWESOME! I was one of the PPs to suggest you might have PPD? Anyway, my husband and I regularly trade off weeknights and weekend days. He takes both kids all the way into bedtime one weekday a week while I galavant, and I do the same for him. I usually take Wednesdays off, and he usually takes Thursdays. On the weekends, we might split a day, or take a whole Sat or Sun alone. This is a VERY POSITIVE approach for us! We married late and we still want our time for solo interests we don't share (me, I usually go on walks or go out with my girlfriends to local pub, sometimes both--he usually walks to a movie or hangs out and plays video games at home in the basement, out of the way of the kids ). Knowing at least one day/night "off" a week is imminent brightens EVERYTHING.

And I love my kids, BTW. Sometimes on my day "off" I hang around a little bit too long... just without any childcare responsibilities. Heh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
speak for yourself. I'm 38, no kids. i've had a couple of miscarriages and ultimately decided that I actually like not having children. (the miscarriages were still devastating, but the reality is i'm not a kid person and the anxiety i had about all of that went away when i started giving up on the notion of having kids.)

I am married, but some days, I totally miss living alone. (i lived alone into my 30s, so , no, I'm not idealizing some 20s awesome life.) But I've always been an introvert and have always enjoyed my alone time.

I think that is key. Some PPs say "well lots of people have kids and jobs and they don't hate every day." But there are lots of different personalities. Some people don't like that much people interaction -- a full day at work with other people and their issues/needs/wants, coming home to a houseful of other people and their issues/needs/wants. Never having much time when you're not surrounded by other people and their issues/needs/wants that you are under obligation to deal with.

Some people get exhausted by too much interpersonal interaction -- even with people they love and care about. I think those people have a much tougher time having kids.

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm one of the PPs who is debating not having kids. I feel like you're speaking to me. Anxiety is exactly the right word for it.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 28, 20, 20, and 16. I was so overwhelmed after I had my twins. I'm not good with infants. But I absolutely loved the late elementary and teen years. It does get better. (((hugs)))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, it's not that motherhood is such a wonderful, sainted experience. Sometimes it truly does suck. Regardless, you have the kids now and there's no turning back, so better to find a way to be happy with that.

Lower your expectations for what you will accept as a good day. No one went to the ER with life threatening injuries? Good day. Marriage is still intact? Good day. A few random moments where the kids played well together or said "I love you mommy"? Good day (even if minutes later the kids were fighting or throwing tantrums at the top of their lungs). It's all in how you look at it, OP. One day soon you will look back on these times and realize they were more good than bad.

+1 We all survived to see another day. Good day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lower your expectations.

This! Between 0 and 1 kid- sure this might be your perspective. But, come on, you are a veteran here. Your expectations must be way too high. I try not to think of my life before kids EVER and focus entirely on the situation at hand which is, in my case, insane as I still have a toddler along with the preschooler. The person that said to compartamentalize is spot-on. Work out kicked ass = awesome kick ass workout day. Sex with DH = freaking miracle and awesome relationship day! Kids were cute and/or brought me to tears from love/funniness/whatever = awesome mom day! Boss is on vacation so I can get everything done far better = awesome work day! That way, you basically have more awesomeness than not. Again, lower your expectations. Tantamount to when showering was an accomplishment with your first about 4 weeks in.

[Anonymous]

Everyone going to flame you OP because what you're saying doesn't match the saintly mother myth hat society crams down our throats. It's okay to think life wih kids sucks. It's okay to say you're unhappy. You don't have to fake like everything is perfect. Society dictates that having children is the only thing that can truly fulfill a woman. Of course we know that's wrong.

Eh, it is ok to say that life with kids sucks, because it often does, but it's not really productive to spend much energy focusing on it. How does it help? Doesn't make you feel better and the kids aren't going anywhere. The fact of the matter is, OP chose to have these kids, and now she has to deal with it, whether it sucks or not. She can try to find ways to make it better - hire more help, etc. But that's about it.