Teenage son just told me he is suicidal and depressed......

[Anonymous]

Cognitive behavioral therapy

[Anonymous]

OP I understand now that you are well aware of the medical side of things. I would still recommend ER/psych ward or possibly Dominion (don't know about their facilities or how they take people in).

However, that apparently is not what you are asking. I am concerned that his entire life is online. That is all too common in these kids. Is there any chances you could limit his online activities? Give him an hour a day or so and have him "earn" extra time by doing other things--cooking the family dinner, going out for a walk or to a museum with you etc.?

The beach idea is not a bad one to get him used to living without dependence on personal electronics, but you'd need a plan to keep computer use in check afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old son told me he is suicidal and depressed. He told me he plans to kill himself when he finishes high school (2 years). He recently came out too, which he claims has nothing to do with his depression. He says he feels hopeless, like he's not good at anything and sees nothing when he thinks of the future. I offered different modalities to help him, talking with someone, perhaps medications if recommended. He is declining. I'm not really sure how to help him as he is just not happy. He has a group of friends who come over every weekend but aside from them, he doesn't do anything. He never goes to their house, doesn't participate in any activities and essentially exists online. Any advice?

OP, I do not mean this at all in a negative way, but could you elaborate on this? How does a 17 year old get to the point where he "essentially exists online?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 17 year old son told me he is suicidal and depressed. He told me he plans to kill himself when he finishes high school (2 years). He recently came out too, which he claims has nothing to do with his depression. He says he feels hopeless, like he's not good at anything and sees nothing when he thinks of the future. I offered different modalities to help him, talking with someone, perhaps medications if recommended. He is declining. I'm not really sure how to help him as he is just not happy. He has a group of friends who come over every weekend but aside from them, he doesn't do anything. He never goes to their house, doesn't participate in any activities and essentially exists online. Any advice?

OP, I do not mean this at all in a negative way, but could you elaborate on this? How does a 17 year old get to the point where he "essentially exists online?"

Not the OP, but I've known several teens and young adults who have had more Internet friends then IRL friends. It is completely possible in this day and age. But I think the OP has bigger things to think about at the moment.

[Anonymous]

OP - While our daughter was not suicidal, she did have serious mental health issues starting at age 18, and we did find that having a psychologist or other therapist who is associated with a psychiatrist in a group practice or just as part of a team was very key as they were able to communicate easily on both ends. Also, the firs time she dropped out of college and we started in we wrote a letter for the psychologist's information on how we saw things going from our vantage point as parents and about out family somewhat. In our case we had two other younger daughters - one of whom has special needs and anyway sharing the particular dynamics of the family was important. Her sessions were always just one-to-one.

I also think you have to expect that this is a long-term process of therapy and maturation and developing coping skills that will work for your son and the life ahead of him. 20 years later she is doing quite well married, the higher wage earner, two kids in elementary and a supportive husband. She has a psychologist who is at a similar stage of life, a psychiatrist whose specialty is women who could have been post partum etc. and is on medication which at times might need a bit of tweaking. She knows what she must do to keep her anxiety in balance - but it took time to reach this point and there were highs and lows for about a decade (age 18 -29). And, I will say her mental health condition did put stressors on the entire family at time which did lead to the relationships today with her sibling.

It is important to keep an open mind on how the therapist interacts with your son and to keep looking if the first one does not work. And, I would suggest that you and DH if there is one get some advice on how to support your son and manage your family life in general. A thing to remember is that genetics can so easily play a part in mental illness just as in physical illness. In our case this poor daughter got the mental health on her Dad's family and the cancer on my side of the family and imagine being asked why she had to go through both - a serious cancer at age 29 did a lot to get rid of any extra anxiety.

All the crap of social media and the Internet were not around when our girls were growing up, but I can only imagine that is adds so many layers of pressures or escapism to the lives of stressed teens today and so many just do not have the coping mechanisms. Whatever guidelines you are given neeed to be done in such a way as to not seem to be a punishment for your son so maye best to come from his medical team.

[Anonymous]

To answer a PP's question is my son plays with a certain group of friends every day on the computer while talking via chat (like Skype). These same group do exist IRL and come over frequently. However, he grew very rapidly and thinned out and has some body image issues. He has a condition that requires surgical correction which we are currently appealing the denial for. I think this plays a big part of it. I also think just being a teenager is huge part of it. He is in all AP classes and that's tough too.

We are working on it, he's talking to his friends about it, to us (DH and I). He's a good kid and knows he is loved dearly. I never allowed the computer in his room so he is in my eye sight all of the time as the computer is in the family room. I know all of his online activities and friends.

Thanks for all the helpful advice again. He's not bullied or peer pressured, he doesn't do drugs, it's a battle to get him to take even vitamins. He's broken two bones doing sports and didn't want the pain medication. I'm not concerned about drugs or alcohol, we don't have either in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work at a psych hospital and see people like this everyday. If you can take him to a psychiatrist today do it. If you can't then take him to the ER. Please take this seriously. He says in 2 years but since he has actual plans to kill himself you need to take it seriously and it's an emergency!!!

Pump the brakes a bit. I've worked inpatient psych as well and while this kid is clearly asking for help, its not necessarily an "emergency!!!". S/I with a vague plan 2 years out and no imminent threat to self or others- that's not inpatient criteria. Especially with no failed outpatient.

OP- thank him for sharing something so personal and painful. Let him know that you love him, you will never judge him, you want him to always tell you things like this, and ask him to agree to tell you if he ever feels imminently suicidal. In short, have him contract for his own safety. Tell him you think he should see a therapist and ask if he will agree to see someone. Have him be an active participant in his therapy, even now. If he won't agree to see a therapist, talk and LISTEN, find out his reservations, see if you can help him overcome them. Call your insurance company or his primary care and ask for a referral to a therapist. Get him to an appointment as soon as possible.

If he cannot contract for his own safety or he shows signs of imminently harming himself, take him to an ER or call the police.

This is good advice. He needs you. I know a teenager committed to a psych institution and it is not a fun place to be - it also can really interfere with his plans for college. Of course, if you think there is not other option, do it. But it is not something to do lightly. I was also suicidal but never did anything. the important thing is you act as you are doing...taking action with therapy, time, attention, etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To answer a PP's question is my son plays with a certain group of friends every day on the computer while talking via chat (like Skype). These same group do exist IRL and come over frequently. However, he grew very rapidly and thinned out and has some body image issues. He has a condition that requires surgical correction which we are currently appealing the denial for. I think this plays a big part of it. I also think just being a teenager is huge part of it. He is in all AP classes and that's tough too.

We are working on it, he's talking to his friends about it, to us (DH and I). He's a good kid and knows he is loved dearly. I never allowed the computer in his room so he is in my eye sight all of the time as the computer is in the family room. I know all of his online activities and friends.

Thanks for all the helpful advice again. He's not bullied or peer pressured, he doesn't do drugs, it's a battle to get him to take even vitamins. He's broken two bones doing sports and didn't want the pain medication. I'm not concerned about drugs or alcohol, we don't have either in the house.

OP, you keep saying he talks to you and his friends but that doesn't really matter. You and they are not professional psychiatrists. Kids with friends commit suicide. Kids with loving families commit suicide. Great kids who know they are loved commit suicide. In fact, they convince themselves that its because they love their families, that their families would be better off without them. Depression and suicidal ideation distort a person's ability to reason through these things. You can reason through it and tell yourself that because your DS knows he is loved and has friends he won't do it. But people with depression don;t think that way. And when they actually attempt suicide its an impulsive thing. Its "I'm alone in the house and the time is now," or "it would be so easy to just go out this window." Lack of impulse control is a huge factor in suicide. The idea gets planted and takes root and its all they can think about.

Its enormously painful as a parent and I can understand why you are grasping onto reasons to feel he won;t do it. But he has told you he is suicidal. It doesn't get more urgent than that. The two years from now thing is a hedge, its a "I don;t want my parents to lock me up," or "I want to maintain what little control I have here." He is suicidal NOW. The danger is NOW>

You say you have an appointment. Call and get in tomorrow. Seriously. Don;t wait a week. And to be careful call a suicide hotline and get some feedback on what to look for and what to do.

[Anonymous]

I agree you need to treat this urgently. I would get an emergency appt with the pediatrician or family doctor that your son sees and seek a referral to a psychiatrist and psychologist. Your son needs to be under regular care of mental health professionals.

FWIW- we struggled with this with our child. We had one ER visit due to an attempt and one emergency referral from our doctor months later due to her perception of our child's state and demeanor at the annual appointment. Both times we took it very very seriously. Following the ER visit our child spent time in a well-regarded psychiatric facility for a week. It truly marked a turning point for her and the beginning of really committing to working with mental health professionals. She now recognizes when she needs an appointment and is in what I would describe of more of a maintenance phase, but due to depression will always need to be tuned into her mental health needs. Medication was and is a key part of the solution for us. Take this very very seriously. Your son telling you this is because he is crying out for help. Recognize it for the signal it is and get him help immediately. Communicate to your doctor the need is urgent and do not accept an appointment weeks out - your doctor can call and get you in sooner. Ours did this for us. With persistence and pressure you can guide your son to the help he needs, but you must advocate on his behalf even if he is not sold on the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer a PP's question is my son plays with a certain group of friends every day on the computer while talking via chat (like Skype). These same group do exist IRL and come over frequently. However, he grew very rapidly and thinned out and has some body image issues. He has a condition that requires surgical correction which we are currently appealing the denial for. I think this plays a big part of it. I also think just being a teenager is huge part of it. He is in all AP classes and that's tough too.

We are working on it, he's talking to his friends about it, to us (DH and I). He's a good kid and knows he is loved dearly. I never allowed the computer in his room so he is in my eye sight all of the time as the computer is in the family room. I know all of his online activities and friends.

Thanks for all the helpful advice again. He's not bullied or peer pressured, he doesn't do drugs, it's a battle to get him to take even vitamins. He's broken two bones doing sports and didn't want the pain medication. I'm not concerned about drugs or alcohol, we don't have either in the house.

OP, you keep saying he talks to you and his friends but that doesn't really matter. You and they are not professional psychiatrists. Kids with friends commit suicide. Kids with loving families commit suicide. Great kids who know they are loved commit suicide. In fact, they convince themselves that its because they love their families, that their families would be better off without them. Depression and suicidal ideation distort a person's ability to reason through these things. You can reason through it and tell yourself that because your DS knows he is loved and has friends he won't do it. But people with depression don;t think that way. And when they actually attempt suicide its an impulsive thing. Its "I'm alone in the house and the time is now," or "it would be so easy to just go out this window." Lack of impulse control is a huge factor in suicide. The idea gets planted and takes root and its all they can think about.

This poster is spot on. OP, get off your ass and get him into see a professional.

Its enormously painful as a parent and I can understand why you are grasping onto reasons to feel he won;t do it. But he has told you he is suicidal. It doesn't get more urgent than that. The two years from now thing is a hedge, its a "I don;t want my parents to lock me up," or "I want to maintain what little control I have here." He is suicidal NOW. The danger is NOW>

You say you have an appointment. Call and get in tomorrow. Seriously. Don;t wait a week. And to be careful call a suicide hotline and get some feedback on what to look for and what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To answer a PP's question is my son plays with a certain group of friends every day on the computer while talking via chat (like Skype). These same group do exist IRL and come over frequently. However, he grew very rapidly and thinned out and has some body image issues. He has a condition that requires surgical correction which we are currently appealing the denial for. I think this plays a big part of it. I also think just being a teenager is huge part of it. He is in all AP classes and that's tough too.

We are working on it, he's talking to his friends about it, to us (DH and I). He's a good kid and knows he is loved dearly. I never allowed the computer in his room so he is in my eye sight all of the time as the computer is in the family room. I know all of his online activities and friends.

Thanks for all the helpful advice again. He's not bullied or peer pressured, he doesn't do drugs, it's a battle to get him to take even vitamins. He's broken two bones doing sports and didn't want the pain medication. I'm not concerned about drugs or alcohol, we don't have either in the house.

OP, you keep saying he talks to you and his friends but that doesn't really matter. You and they are not professional psychiatrists. Kids with friends commit suicide. Kids with loving families commit suicide. Great kids who know they are loved commit suicide. In fact, they convince themselves that its because they love their families, that their families would be better off without them. Depression and suicidal ideation distort a person's ability to reason through these things. You can reason through it and tell yourself that because your DS knows he is loved and has friends he won't do it. But people with depression don;t think that way. And when they actually attempt suicide its an impulsive thing. Its "I'm alone in the house and the time is now," or "it would be so easy to just go out this window." Lack of impulse control is a huge factor in suicide. The idea gets planted and takes root and its all they can think about.

Its enormously painful as a parent and I can understand why you are grasping onto reasons to feel he won;t do it. But he has told you he is suicidal. It doesn't get more urgent than that. The two years from now thing is a hedge, its a "I don;t want my parents to lock me up," or "I want to maintain what little control I have here." He is suicidal NOW. The danger is NOW>

You say you have an appointment. Call and get in tomorrow. Seriously. Don;t wait a week. And to be careful call a suicide hotline and get some feedback on what to look for and what to do.

OP- this poster is spot on. Ignore them at tremendous risk to your son.

-Poster whose child is under treatment for depression (immediate PP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work at a psych hospital and see people like this everyday. If you can take him to a psychiatrist today do it. If you can't then take him to the ER. Please take this seriously. He says in 2 years but since he has actual plans to kill himself you need to take it seriously and it's an emergency!!!

Pump the brakes a bit. I've worked inpatient psych as well and while this kid is clearly asking for help, its not necessarily an "emergency!!!". S/I with a vague plan 2 years out and no imminent threat to self or others- that's not inpatient criteria. Especially with no failed outpatient.

OP- thank him for sharing something so personal and painful. Let him know that you love him, you will never judge him, you want him to always tell you things like this, and ask him to agree to tell you if he ever feels imminently suicidal. In short, have him contract for his own safety. Tell him you think he should see a therapist and ask if he will agree to see someone. Have him be an active participant in his therapy, even now. If he won't agree to see a therapist, talk and LISTEN, find out his reservations, see if you can help him overcome them. Call your insurance company or his primary care and ask for a referral to a therapist. Get him to an appointment as soon as possible.

If he cannot contract for his own safety or he shows signs of imminently harming himself, take him to an ER or call the police.

This is good advice. He needs you. I know a teenager committed to a psych institution and it is not a fun place to be - it also can really interfere with his plans for college. Of course, if you think there is not other option, do it. But it is not something to do lightly. I was also suicidal but never did anything. the important thing is you act as you are doing...taking action with therapy, time, attention, etc...

This is bullshit. My child is going to college and their time spent at a psych institution is not part of any applications or any part of the process. They were accepted to all colleges they applied to. I'm not saying everyone needs a psych instition, but people absolutely shouldn't be dissuaded from this option thinking it will mess up college. You know what messes up college? Being dead at 17.

[Anonymous]

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay away from drugs. That's a very strong and very personal piece of advise. Psycho-pharmaceutical drugs do more harm than good. If you're on the fence about this I recommend watching "Psychiatry - An industry of death". Therapy is good. Loads of good therapists out there. Lots of places to get help. But stay away from the drugs. And stay away from hospitalization during which you and/or your son do not have control over whether he has to take drugs or not and generally over what will happen to him there.

Ask him under which circumstances he might accept help, ask him what he can think of that he might need right now. I agree to not leave him alone - but do talk to him about it. Respect him deeply right now. Explain to him what you are doing and why. Do not ever go over his head if you can at all avoid it. The "He will hate you for a short while and then everything will be peachy" is a blanket statement that can end very badly.

This is the worst advice I have seen on DCUM, next to not vaxing your kids. As someone who was suicidal a while ago, drugs are what got me out of it. I still take Zoloft today. And it is generic....

[Anonymous]

OP I agree it's an emergency and I would get help immediately.