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MIL trying to takeover my son's 5th birthday party. WWYD?
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Anonymous
When I was five I would have LOVED a party with my grandparents and aunts, uncles, and cousins. No question. I am not at all saying that's what OP should do -- not at all -- but there are plenty of children for whom that would be a perfectly wonderful time. |
Anonymous
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I like how OP doesn't even have to fight the haters, the rest of us who empathize are doing it for her! (Hi OP -- any updates for us?)
Seriously, those of you who are so bent on defending this unknown MIL -- did you read the same message that the rest of us did? Where are you getting the idea that this grandma is trying to look out for her kid? She isn't even coming to visit the kid -- she's coming to do something with her daughter and now trying to just lump everything together, riding roughshod over the kid's moms plans. Nobody says the kid doesn't enjoy Chuck E Cheese (though stay away from the ball pit -- I'm pretty sure that's a hepatitis contraction waiting to happen JK). It's just that Gram could have been a little bit more considerate and OP is sick of her shit. Those of you who think no MIL could ever possibly be anything but sweet and angelic, seriously, go call yours or something because you're really getting annoying! |
Anonymous
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Hello everyone,
Well, no new developments b/c I didn't call MIL and she has not called me. We have invited over close family friends--who are there for us more the "family" anyway--and extended an invitation to all family to join us here on my son's b-day. Thanks again for the words of encouragement from others w/ MIL issues. Today I read this article in NYT that I related to and followshttp://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/05/fashion/05grandparents-1.html?_r=1&scp=6&sq=grandma's%20&st=cse. It's about grandparents that have absolutely no interest in really participating in their grandchildren's lives. The exception w/ my MIL is that when it strikes her fancy, or she'll look good she'll have to step in and "help" as w/ the party. As for my MIL, she never visited my son the first week of life in NICU, she never came to help when I was incredibly ill when my son was an infant ("she didn't want to get sick.") She doesn't "do" drive highways or take the bus (too dirty) or take trains (she's claustrophobic), so she's only once been to my son's school in three years even though there have been countless opportunities. Last year on his b-day she wanted to get a "big" gift so we suggested she get him his first two-wheeler w/ training wheels (a big deal, but not big enough for her--she got him a motorized car (ala Britney-Federline style) even though she knows this is that is not our thing and our son is incredibly reckless and is a risk-taker. She's chomping at the bit to have a sleepover with my son, but refuses to come to our house--he must go to hers--he's scared of the dark and her house is filled w/ pictures and statues of monkeys and very fragile items. She's constantly telling him not to touch anything(I could only imagine what would happen.) She's repeatedly said in front of him that his lovey is disgusting and that I should take it away. She admonishes him for sucking his thumb. I invited her to go to see a production of a Musical w/ her son and grandson (she loves musicals) but she didn't want to b/c she had already seen it in NYC (it's for children.) He wasn't potty-trained on a timely basis, according to her. And, oh yeah, even though he's in OT and has been diagnosed with SPD, there's nothing wrong with him--"that's just how children are." Now are you all happy that you got the laundry list that you've been dying for? I could go on, and on, and on, obviously. But what's the point. Some of you have no concept of what it's like to live with a judgmental MIL who in her heart of hearts believes you are not "good" enough for her son. She treats her daughter's children differently then she treats her son's children. They paid for their daughters college and weddings, their sons paid for their own college educations (my husband still has loans) and we paid for our own wedding. All she has to do is treat me with an ounce of respect and treat my son equally as her other grandchildren--and we would all be peachy--but that's just too much of a reach for some people. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/03/05/fashion/05grandparents-1.html?_r=1&scp=6&sq=grandma's%20&st=cse |
Anonymous
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"Ahhh, no, that IS what OP is doing. No 5 year old wants to spend his/her birthday with a bunch of grandparents, aunts, uncles (basically old people) and unknown cousins over friends."
Why would it have to be a choice. Can't there be two celebrations? |
Anonymous
You (and the OP) are entirely missing the point. No one here is claiming that the MIL is an angel, but many of us look at the same things OP is screeching about through unjaded eyes, and think there is more than one possibility here. Add to the mix that OP herself seems to have a hard time recognizing the difference between capital offenses, major manipulation, small slights, minor thoughtlessness, and well-intentioned blindness, and all we're saying is I think this is a two way road. Let me show you what I mean... |
Anonymous
... here's the laundry list that OP presents as proof positive that her MIL is the devil incarnate. I see reasonable explanations to EACH AND EVERY one of these gripes, but OP seems to think they are all part of a massive conspiracy to undermine her. She never visited your son in the NICU -- OK -- you're right... clearly she HATES him, which is why she wants to throw him a birthday party. It sounds like your MIL is older, and has a thing about driving. Honestly, this makes her no different from many older people in our society. There is actually another explanation here... she really doesn't like to drive, or it scares her. You may not agree, but that doesnt' make her an ogre. She didn't help you when you were sick, because she didn't want to get sick: You might hope she'd want to help, but then again, this is not uncommon (or even unwise) for older people. She hasn't come to your son's school. Big deal. Neither have my parents who love my son to death... plus, it sounds like she's told you why. Traveling is a big issue for her. It may not be a big issue for you, but you're not her. She got him a motorized car: yeah, you're clearly right here. She hates him. She clearly got it so he could break his neck. She wants him to sleep over at her house. Boy, now we're talking manipulation. That's TOTALLY unreasonable. And she tells him not to touch things too? What a bitch. God, I can't ever respond to the rest. Clearly this woman has gotten under your skin... but I really think this scenario has a lot to do with your OWN insecurities and inability to handle this woman in a graceful manner. You get pissed over the most minor stuff. She thinks he wasn't potty trained on time? WHO CARES???? Really, why not brush this off as something MANY older people in this country think about the younger generation, instead of stuffing it in your bag of "stuff to hold against MIL" You need to step back from this situation and take a breath. Perhaps you and MIL are made for each other. |
Anonymous
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I feel for you OP, regarding some of your issues. Family (like mine, too) can be difficult. But, after reading your follow-up, think this statement from a PP is pretty spot on:
". . . OP herself seems to have a hard time recognizing the difference between capital offenses, major manipulation, small slights, minor thoughtlessness, and well-intentioned blindness, and all we're saying is I think this is a two way road." I think the bigger issues with your MIL, which sound warranted, are coloring your view re: the birthday party. Have your party. But, two celebrations should not have been that big of a deal. I looooooved being with my aunts/uncles/cousins -all of who were MUCH older than me as the only grandchild- at that age. |
Anonymous
| Both of the PPs know not of what they speak. Its not that OP can not tell the difference in these typoes of slights/intentions/whatever, its that the MIL is not a normal person and has committed so many crimesover the years that they end up getting lumped together because its too exhausting to compartmentalize them ALL. Also, unless you have one of these types of TOXIC MILs, I can see how you would try and explain away all of hebehavior. Once you have ahd one or met one however, you know that all the explantions in the world can cover the issues. So, to those posters who really do not know. Just keep quiet. You are not helping and you really can not help because you have made it perfectly clear that you have no refernce point in dealing with twisted people. OP, just keep on doing what you are doing in this case. Sounds like you are handling it as well as possible. |
Anonymous
Then don't post on this boar asking WWYD. |
Anonymous
Meant 'board.' Kid was swatting at the keyboard. |
Anonymous
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Speak to dh. Let him deal with the situation.
Say no |
Anonymous
OP, your mother in law is onto you. She has found this board and is defending herself, damn! PP, what the heck? You're silly and naive. Sure, your list of possible justifications are certainly out there as best case scenarios. But OP is telling you there is a pattern of disrespect and talking about OP behind her back. What's the best case scenario explanation for that? Is that ever acceptable? Or that OP's husband, this woman's son, is throwing up his hands and saying his own mother is crazy. There are plenty of MILs out there who have bitchy daughters in laws. Some of these daughter in laws are terrible. I don't see much reason to think that OP is one of those, based on anything she said. When OP posted, she said WWYD, she did not say "what are some of the unlikely but i suppose theoretically possible reasons that my MIL could be the innocent party or even the victim here." That's just your input, and its purely speculative. Sheesh! |
Anonymous
Ohhh, you SO hit the nail on the HEAD! This is my MIL and I agree, you don't get it unless it's your MIL. |
Anonymous
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23:10 here. No my MIL is not a gem. In fact, tolerating her takes all of the self control and strength that I can muster - and I am on my 18th year of her. However, she loves my children, she is their grandmother, my children love her and there are just never too many people in this world to love your kids. So, I do what it takes to facilitate their relationship. We don't kiss and hug, but I sit silently by while she kisses and hugs my kids. And I drive hours so they can know each other.
After reading many of the comments, I still don't get OP. OP doesn't have a destination party planned, so she is not looking a losing a deposit. The party was at least 6 weeks away, so she probably hadn't sent invitations. But, even if she had, they were to friends and I know my friends would understand if I moved the date of a party at my house because family was coming in from out of town. And, even if she had sent invites and didn't want to try to change the date, OP didn't offer MIL an alternative date. How hard would it have been to say that the b-date wouldn't work, but how about the day before or the day after? The only conclusion that one can reach is that OP doesn't want her child to have a relationship with his grandmother. And, given that OP isn't making the slightest effort to get her son together with his cousins leads one to believe that she doesn't care if her son ever gets to know his cousins. One can only hope that OP's son treats her better - or if you are vindictive, that she gets a taste of her own medicine and never gets to see her own grandchildren. |
Anonymous
These people are her in-laws and her husband does not care for them so WHY should she bother? Her husband, who is a blood relative, does not. Also, bad moms are often bad grandmothers (mine is a case in point) and who wouldnt want to protect their child from a toxic relationship if they could? OP sounds like a mother who cares about and takes care of her child. The likelihood that her son will reject her when he is an adult because she was a bad mom is probably slight. On another note, I have never understood why people think you have to allow family members to treat you badly, in ways you would not allow anyone else to, and forgive them and keep trying. You shouldn't. |