MIL trying to takeover my son's 5th birthday party. WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Thanks again for all the supportive responses. 13:02 Thank you so much--I really feel that you get what's going on here.

For some reason I didn't realize the MIL issue would touch such a nerve with some people. FWIW, there is a laundry list of things she has done through the years which have led up to this issue. As I mentioned, her own narrative of events changes over time to accommodate her reality. The sad part is that she really believes the stories she makes up in her head. She is not a bitch or bad person--but she also isn't supportive of our family or our decisions as parents. It's very frustrating and hurtful, but what can you do. I'm kind of resigned at this point, but I do need to vent once in a while.

Eventually my son will figure it all out and I'll tell him to go talk to his father. And his father can give him the same incoherent and unreasonable explanation he has given me all these years.

'K haters-have at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
'K haters-have at it.

Honestly, this is the attitude which turns me off.

Good luck with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
'K haters-have at it.

Honestly, this is the attitude which turns me off.

Good luck with your family.

Ditto here PP. Seems like the "me against the world" mentality isn't limited to the OP's feelings about her MIL. I think that says more about the OP than her MIL.

[Anonymous]

I say that because it doesn't really matter what I have to say you have continued to bash me as if I have done something wrong--which I believe I have not.

I appreciate the all the feedback but you can all stop now because what you're adding isn't helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate the all the feedback but you can all stop now because what you're adding isn't helpful.

OP, they're not trying to be helpful. They're bored. (so am I, but still). These posters often take the opposite opinion of whatever it is someone else is saying. They LOVE to play devil's advocate, and then they get really invested in whatever position they've taken. You can recognize them because, above all else, they do not let facts or subsequent clarifications get in the way of offering you the same opinion and judgment, over and over, without respect to new information. They're trying to convince you (and one another) that you're a bad person because you have MIL issues. Face it, the MIL society is giving one another big cyber high five among themselves for getting it right. Let 'em have their moment -- hopefully you've gotten the feedback you need from those of us who dwell in the real world, where MILs are often not Mary Poppins but actually have their own problems and pull wacky stunts that have to be coped with that the daughter in law did not necessarily bring on herself. Shocking, I know...

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to put your child's needs first. Many grandparents have completely different relationships with their grandchildren than they do with their children. Some awful parents can be loving grandparents. And it is nice for children to know other people in the world besides their parents and siblings love them.

I have a dreadful MIL, but my kids love her, so I allow them to see her as much as I am able to stomach, for their sakes. She is nice and loving to them, treats them far better than she ever treated DH, who barely speaks to her. My kids talk about her all the time, and are happy to have a grandmother who loves them.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have to put your child's needs first.

Eh. Within reason, sure, but does DIL need to sublimate her needs in these situations every single time? It's a tricky line to walk, wanting your kids to have a nice relationship with a grandparent who poops on you all of the time.

[Anonymous]

I'm one of the PPs who didn't understand what else there is to say in this situation. I fully understand that MIL is a pill and I am SURE that OP's right that she manipulates and oversteps boundaries. I think OP is totally right to vent here.

As far as a come-to-Jesus with MIL, though, this isn't the situation she should seize upon. MIL's response will be likely what people's reactions here have been, which is, "What? I offered, you said no." Even if she knows exactly what you're talking about, she'll feign innocence and make OP look crazy for making a big deal out of it. For people like OP's MIL, the only thing you can do is set firm boundaries, which it sounds like OP already did. If OP continues to engage, by telling her MIL off or whatever, she's just giving MIL the power and lending credence to any complaints MIL might lodge against her. The best thing OP can do is smile, say politely, "No, thank you" to the party, and leave it at that. Any subsequent drama is strictly on MIL.

It's OP's husband's job to run interference, anyway. Step up, hubby!

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you heard that old saw that boys grow up to marry women like their mothers? I hope you enjoy being treated like an unwelcome guest in your DS's life some day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you heard that old saw that boys grow up to marry women like their mothers? I hope you enjoy being treated like an unwelcome guest in your DS's life some day.

good god.

[Anonymous]

All of the financial gifts come with strings attached, i.e. an understanding that the giver in return has a say in the life of the receiver.
This can be very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I too have a difficult MIL who is very manipulative, lives in her own "reality," is utterly self-centered and childish, and was not a very good mother. She truly drives me up the wall. I would never have anything to do with her were it solely up to me. She used to treat me terribly but each time I stood up for myself, or DH did, and eventually she became less aggressive with me but, until very recently, would still take "subtle" jabs when DH was not around. To this day (over 10 years of marriage) she laments that I took her son away from her. (Eeww - I know). Even when she infuriates DH beyond belief, she always worms her way back into his good graces. She is the only one he seems to forgive regularly and easily but, I think he has had to overlook her inadequacies, her lies, her selfishness, her neediness, her delusions, for all of his life. His parents were divorced when he was very little and he is her only child. His relationship with his father is very strained (in large part b/c of his mom) and his mother's second husband (they were married whn he was an adult) just passed away. She has been using the "I have noone. I am all alone. I am just a poor grieving widow" bit on him relentlessly since then (8 months). I finally learned that the best thing to do is to sit back, say nothing about her, say little to her (just smile, polite, etc...) and let her hang herself. She will too, every time. Poor DH, she really does suck but, he choses to get involved in her messes and let her drain his energy and love every time. And, her endless problems are never ending and never "her fault."

I am just grateful that my children pretty much see her for what she is. She once made the grave mistake of attacking me in front of them and they have never forgotten it. They also get annoyed at how she demands his time and attention when they want to be with him, like on the weekends. I am also grateful that DH recognizes that she is not fit to have our children alone with her for any length of time. He knows she isn't mature enough or able to focus on anyone besides herself. Overall, a sad situation but it really has worked best for me to just keep my mouth shut as much as I can and let it play out. People like her, and your MIL, always ruin it for themselves, especially when they have no foil (you) to play against. Since your DH will not deal with her, why do you have to? Just excuse yourself from the equation and, if he ignors her completely, so be it.

[Anonymous]

I think with all the power struggles going on here, people have forgotten about the most important person - a soon to be 5 yr old boy. It is his birthday, why not ask him what he wants? He is old enough to have his own input.

[Anonymous]

Ahhh, no, that IS what OP is doing. No 5 year old wants to spend his/her birthday with a bunch of grandparents, aunts, uncles (basically old people) and unknown cousins over friends. That makes absolutely no sense. Turning a multi-generational family get together (with virtually unknown relatives) into a 5-year old's birthday party is about as awful and unfair as most kids could imagine. Now, a solo outing with a beloved Grandmother or, a party with counsins who are really close, is a different story. But, in OP's case, that is not what is being suggested.

Really the MIL is clearly being manipulative and trying to make everyone else's schedule suit her needs for the day. She wants to be the center of attention (at least my MIL always does) and she probably sees an angle in being the "hostess" of the grandson's party (oh you are such a generous granny, so sweet, so wonderful...). This is certainly not about her grandson's birthday. If that were the case, she would have brought up the birthday (or past birthdays) well before this visit were arranged. It IS OP's duty to protetct her child from this selfish manipulative woman if she has shown that she is going to use her grandkids for her own needs. If you don't have this kind of MIL, you just really can not understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ahhh, no, that IS what OP is doing. No 5 year old wants to spend his/her birthday with a bunch of grandparents, aunts, uncles (basically old people) and unknown cousins over friends. That makes absolutely no sense. Turning a multi-generational family get together (with virtually unknown relatives) into a 5-year old's birthday party is about as awful and unfair as most kids could imagine. Now, a solo outing with a beloved Grandmother or, a party with counsins who are really close, is a different story. But, in OP's case, that is not what is being suggested.

Really the MIL is clearly being manipulative and trying to make everyone else's schedule suit her needs for the day. She wants to be the center of attention (at least my MIL always does) and she probably sees an angle in being the "hostess" of the grandson's party (oh you are such a generous granny, so sweet, so wonderful...). This is certainly not about her grandson's birthday. If that were the case, she would have brought up the birthday (or past birthdays) well before this visit were arranged. It IS OP's duty to protetct her child from this selfish manipulative woman if she has shown that she is going to use her grandkids for her own needs. If you don't have this kind of MIL, you just really can not understand.

this is crazy. yeah, any kid turning 5 would just HATE to be at Chuck E. Cheese if his grandmother were footing the bill. how dull for him! and the MIL gets to do it all so she'll be CALLED generous, sweet and wonderful. not because she is. wow.