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MIL trying to takeover my son's 5th birthday party. WWYD?
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Anonymous
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My son's 5th birthday is on Easter weekend and my sister-in-law has decided to fly in from Atlanta to celebrate Easter/Passover the week before. My MIL called today to tell me that she's so excited that the cousins will be able to be together on my son's b-day and that she could have a party at Chuckie Cheese, or at her house (in Baltimore), or at a park near her house.
I informed her that my son is really excited for his birthday and that we were planning on having close friends and family over to our house-- her reaction-- "Oh." OK. I am really angry and offended by her thoughtlessness and presumption that b/c SIL was coming into town, that somehow we would change our son's birthday party plans just to accommodate them. Naturally, we would be happy to include them, but this sneaky, self-serving attitude displayed by MIL is the last straw. She pulls this stuff all the time. I'm starting to really despise her. Any suggestions on how to deal w/ her and this situation? |
Anonymous
| any chance you could fit in a family only party that mil could host, but you still have a party at your place? |
Anonymous
She wants to have it on my son's birthday. I think it would be difficult for us to have his party here and then go to Baltimore so she can have her party for him. Plus, I think it's rude that somehow they cannot be put out to drive here to attend their grandson's party. I mean, who does that? |
Anonymous
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You know, I am having a hard time seeing your outrage. Your SIL and her kids are FLYING in, presumably at great expense in difficult economic times during an expensive travel time. Obviously, your MIL is really excited. She sounds like she loves her family and can't wait to have them together. She not only wants to do something with her daughter, but wants to provide an opportunity for her son's child, your son, to have some family/cousin time.
On the other hand, it's your son's birthday and you want to do something for him. But he's only turning five. And, who really cares whether you celebrate on his actual day or on a day in close proximity. It's just not a big deal. So, you are bent out of shape because your MIL suggested an event that would both celebrate your son and allow him to form memories and relationships with cousins whom he probably doesn't get to see very often all because you would have to celebrate your son's birthday with his friends on a day other than his actual birthday. Personally, I don't get it at all. So, what I would do is take my MIL up on her offer to host a party at Chuck E Cheese - what five year old wouldn't love that. I would pick a day other than his birthday to have the party you want. And, I would take tons of photos and blog about how my son got to spend time with his Grammy, Aunt and cousins. |
Anonymous
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I completely agree with the PP.
Let him have two parties- they don't both have to be on the same day. If you're bent out of shape at her calling it and treating it as a bday party then tell her no to a party but that you think it'd be nice to get all the kids together at chuck e cheese to have family time. Don't let your dislike of your MIL shortchange your child as it appears to me you are doing. |
Anonymous
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Sounds like there is maybe more behind this post than the paragraph written above. My MIL used to try to coopt my husband's birthday! She would routinely "plan" birthday plans and parties. Big surprises, trips, etc. Nothing that my husband wouldn't enjoy, but not what he would have necessarily chosen, and definitely not what I would have chosen. (no kidding, she actually tried to plot a surprise trip to Disney world two years ago for his 30th.) Yes, you read that right -- I'm talking about my DH, not a child.
The problem that I have with what my MIL was doing was that she didn't quite get her role. She's not the one who gets automatic dibs on planning birthdays for my husband. It's not like I'm going to be territorial over the birthdays, but it's just a reality. He's married now, and we make our own family plans. Likewise, seems like OP's MIL has been guilty of this lack of sensitivity before. I don't think by itself this is the end of the world, but it is frustrated when grandparents (yours or your DH's) make you feel like you have to compete for your own role as wife or mommy and it is sort of hard to articulate (for me anyway) what's so upsetting about it. That surprise trip to Disney was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I had organized and invited my in-laws to a birthday party for DH a few months before his birthday. It was going to be a semi-surprise (he knew I was planning a birthday, did not know that I was trying to get his sister, parents, and best friend from college to come into town to visit). She never replied to my email trying to involve them (said she didn't get it), and later sort of sprung the trip on me "oh, and we have the BEST idea for ___'s birthday. We will have to trick him into the trip, and then this will happen, and then that will happen, and here is your role." I couldn't believe it! I actually ended up blabbing to my husband about the whole thing and he had a talk with his mom. She called to apologize for the way she handled things and I took that opportunity to tell her that I loved her, but that she couldn't preempt me on things like this. She is always going to be DH's mom, but she needs to realize that she doesn't get to plan all of the birthday parties and things by default anymore. she's got to consult the wife! LIkewise, OP's MIL has to consult OP. Definitely don't think it's the end of the world that she'd like to involve the cousins, but there were better ways to go about it that don't involve OP giving up the fun of planning her child's 5th bday party. My advice, OP? Have the party at Chuck E Cheese (or somewhere else that represents a compromise if you're willing) but YOU do the planning! And have a talk with your MIL about boundaries. I have a feeling that you are angrier about her overstepping than you are about having to change your plans, but I might be misreading you. Good luck! I've been there, (sort of) and know it's frustrating. |
Anonymous
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23:10, you're real sweet but you're missing the point. I'm beginning to believe that unless you have one of these MILs , as I do, you can never understand.
First, SIL is flying in at great expense because it's Easter/Passover. Not because her nephew is having a birthday. Second, there is a general principle in life that people should travel TO the birthday person, or to a place that the birthday person chooses. So the question *should* have been: "DIL, would it be okay if we all tag along to whatever you've planned for your son's special day?" Not, "I am planning something for YOUR child and I assume you're OK with that?" Third, MiL's "excite"ment, however well intended, doesn't trump a mother's prerogative. Finally -- and this is the part that I see between the lines in OP's post -- MIL had her bite at the apple when she created special birthdays WITH HER OWN CHILDREN in the 1970s. It's time to move aside and be gracious and be a supporting actor now. I've met more than one MIL who can't seem to do that. |
Anonymous
23:54 - I am so glad you wrote this. It saved me the time and effort. 
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Anonymous
agreed - power struggle with MIL YOU'RE the mother; YOU'RE the wife. You win. Keep the boundaries up. |
Anonymous
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Thank you to all who responded. Many of you better articulated all the feelings I have about this than I could. I was very upset last night when writing and the post came off as very harsh.
I have one son--she has three children--and I would like to be able to have be able to create memories in our home for our family. My husband will not get involved with anything to do with his family because he says they're crazy. (This is a major source of conflict in our marriage.) As a result, I always have to "deal" with them and have been made out to be the bad guy when I don't bend to fall in step with their plans. My MIL is very manipulative--though she doesn't think so--and she'll change the story to get want she wants. She always has an excuse that somehow makes her behavior better, in her eyes. And when she doesn't get her way, she'll play the guilt factor and talk about me (and everyone else) to all the other family. I ultimately feel ganged up on or feel as I'm being inconsiderate to their feelings. So, I'm taking a stand and calling my MIL today to try and sort this out--I'm sure it will be an interesting conversation. (will report back.) FWIW, to all the people concerned about SIL--She's not paying for the ticket(s) out here. She and her husband pay for NOTHING. Not the down payment on their house, travel to see family, vacations or private school. Her parents paid all her student loans and a $50K wedding to boot. Their family costs are all paid by her MIL, who is very wealthy and generous. And no, I'm not jealous. There are many strings attached to that money and I'm sure her life is difficult in many ways because of it. That said, I'm not changing my son's b-day to accommodate her, or my MIL's schedule. |
Anonymous
| It sounds like you already handled it -- she offered to do something you didn't want to do, you said no. What's left? I don't think it's totally out of bounds of her to offer to host a party, but I completely understand why you'd say no thanks. At this point, if she's mad, it's her problem. |
Anonymous
Gosh, OP, if my husband thought his family was crazy, I'd gladly disown them! So long, MIL! Your husband and children are your family. Make your own memories. |
Anonymous
You know what? I just don't understand this at all. This sounds like you're itching for a fight... or an opportunity to tramp over her and "set your boundaries". She told you what she was offering, you already told her your plan was to have a small get together at YOUR house. What needs to be sorted out? Unless its just one more opportunity for you to make an issue out of this and "put her in her place"? Seriously. I know some MILs can be tough, but I think very few of them are the manipulative awful people they are routinely made out to be on this board. Did she overstep her boundaries here? maybe (although perhaps she was just trying to be helpful?). But I don't know what the daughter-in-laws always see this as a manipulation fest, instead of what it probably is: A mother in law who loves her grandkids/family, and is perhaps a bit overenthusiastic. You don't have to let her dictate to you, but there is an easy and diplomatic way of setting limits that doesn't involve you kicking her in the teeth: "Thank you so much for thinking of us, we'd love to get together with you and SIL while she's up here for a small celebration, but I've already organized his party for the weekend of ___." Enough with the drama already. |
Anonymous
Are you an MIL by any chance? |
Anonymous
| I'm not a MIL or the PP, but I posted earlier that I wasn't sure what OP was looking for now, either. MIL asked, OP said no (understandably). What else is there to discuss? If MIL is mad, that's MIL's problem. |