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MIL trying to takeover my son's 5th birthday party. WWYD?
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Anonymous
Why? Because that is the only way someone could look at this situation and think maybe the OP is part of the problem here? Well no, FWIW, I am not a MIL. I'm blessed to have a very wonderful MIL. That's not to say she and I haven't had our disagreements, but 1) I recognize that she is a loving person who is driven only by what she thinks is best for her son, and her grandchildren; and 2) recognizing that (and understanding that some day I may very well have different ideas than my future daugher in law), enables me to treat her with some understanding and compassion; and 3) all of the above (plus a healthy dose of adult behavior) keeps me from getting into unnecessary pissing matches with her. I'm routinely amazed at some of the wretched family dynamics that come up here, and I absolutely believe that those dynamics cannot be achieved single-handedly. If you're having problems with your MIL, you are PROBABLY part of the problem. That's not to say that some MILs aren't certifiable nuts... but I think very very few are. Look at this issue here: The MIL at issue is clearly excited because her daughter is coming into town. So she calls and OFFERS to host her grandson's birthday, and gives a few options. Is it a little over the top? Yes. I think so. But the OP then posts it as: "MIL trying to takeover my son's birthday". Really? That seems like kind of a leap to me, that gives no thought to other possibilities. Its not a war (although the OP certainly thinks that). Its a kid's party. This just seems like one more extension of women fighting with other women over the men in their lives. Its childish and petty. Look at the big picture, and don't sweat the small stuff. |
Anonymous
OP, you are creating memories for your son in your home every day. Those memories are the ones he will always have, not the memory of a particular birthday party. Since you asked WWYD, I would accept MIL's offer to host a family gathering. Regardless of who paid for SIL's tickets or why she is visiting, the trip offers an opportunity for your son to spend time with his cousins, and I wouldn't pass that up. Sure they could tag along to the party you had already planned, but it's unlikely that that would involve much quality family time. Then have your party another day. Good luck whatever you do. |
Anonymous
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OP,
I am torn about this. On the one hand I think, why not go to Chuck E Cheese, let him have a cake with his cousins, and be done with it. Everyone is happy. Go home and have a party you will actually enjoy with people you like, at another time. Dealing with crazy family is tough. But unless they are worse than crazy - that is, if they are truly mean, or bad, or cruel, or abusive - then sometimes we just have to find a way to get along, right? If you end up seriously ill, or lose your job, or otherwise need the bosom of family to support you, are these people you can and will turn to? Does your son love his grandma and enjoy spending time with her? We can't know all the dynamics of your relationship. On the one had it is a good idea to enforce boundaries when needed. On the other hand, as another said, don't sweat the small stuff. Bottom line for me: If I already had a party scheduled at the SAME time grandma wanted to do one, I would say no, or ask grandma to pick another day. If her party is at a different time, I would just go. |
Anonymous
| I don't get it either. Your post was tittled, "MIL trying to TAKE OVER my son's 5th birthday party." She asked if she could host the party, you said no, and her response was "oh." I am totally stumped. I guess my relatives are off the scale that yours are on but if someone in my family were trying to take over a birthday party or anything else, it would just go on and on and on and on and on. It would never simply end with "oh." Also, it would be a wonderful family memory even if your DS's grandmother hosted it. In fact, it sounds lovely. |
Anonymous
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Something like this happened to me, but with my own mom.
DS's 7th birthday was near Christmas, and we were travelling to visit my parents and extended family who live near my parents (out of state so we don't get to see them.) My mom got really excited that my son would get to spend his birthday up there with the cousins, and she offered to plan a big dinner and party for him. I was thrilled! She did everything -- meal, cake, activities -- we just had to show up. He isn't my only child, though; so maybe that ecplains some of why I was happy -- planning birthday parties has gotten to be a bit of a chore for me. Anyhow, we still did a "kid" party for his school friends when we came back home. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Seems to me that many of the people who are responding here just simply do not know what it is like to be in a family dynamic where the MIL is used to being the matriarch and expects all spokes of the family to continually adjust to her center. I think there's a pretty clear divide in responses, those who have been there and can conclude from what you're saying that there are paragraphs (perhaps pages, perhaps books) worth of other circumstances behind your frustration and those who have different MIL situations and are simply reflecting on the face value of your original post (ignoring your follow up where you explain MIL is often manipulative) and saying you're creating drama. That must be frustrating. I'm the poster from before with the long post relating to your situation (my husband's disney party -- ugh). MILs are sometimes threatened by son's wife. Sometimes MILs simply don't get it that when their children pair off, their family priorities shift. Other MILs are just human, and don't think about every little details. I guess rare MILs are absolutely wonderful in all ways and require no special handling. My MIL is somewhere in the middle, as I suspect most are. If MIL is constantly planning things without thinking (or without any attempt to be sensitive) to other people's family dynamic, plans, or schedules, it is annoying and can be disruptive to your own nuclear family's dynamic. Those people who say some variation of the "your son has special memories in your home every day and your MIL's party sounds great" are missing the point. This is a MIL who didn't bother to say "I know you have plans already -- are you open to reconsidering them?" Or, "I'd love to throw a party for your son. I'm not in town that often -- can you let me have this one?" (or any other way of nicely asking to have some input). At that point, as others have said, OP can either say yes or no, the final decision is hers, and whether or not she wants to accomodate can be made based on her feelings and experiences. Instead, though, MIL seems to have commandeered the entire event, making assumptions and arrangements with other family, and generally overstepping. Many of you correctly point out that the little boy will be equally happy at Chuck E Cheese with his cousins (if not more psyched) than he would be at home. But this isn't JUST about the son's birthday, it's how MOM feels about it, too. It's her son, and she wanted to do something special, and now MIL is getting trumped. OP, your DH says his parents are crazy, so that means he must generally at least back you up TO YOU. That's a start. But unless he is advocating cutting all ties, then he doesn't get a hall pass from helping to managing his mom. MIL, pain in the ass or not, is probably important to your kid and probably loves him, so try again to get your husband to help. Or at least talk to her in person with him there. It's not fair to make you the bad guy. I had a hard time explaining to my husband, at first, why I was upset by what his mom was doing. He was saying what a lot of the other posters were saying here -- "she's well-intentioned, though. she is just trying to be nice." Well, yes, that's part of it. But you really do need to establish and stay firm on your boundaries. That doesn't mean you reject all of her input, but it does mean you don't have to accomodate when you don't think it's right for your family (you included). Other posters, please do consider that sometimes daughters-in-law are trying their best, too, and reach their wits end when MIL wants to interfere all the time, boss the family, be catered to constantly, or otherwise impose her plans, schedule, philosophy, or ideas on the rest of the family. Even if it's mostly innocent (and it's not, aways, often it's controlling) it's not healthy when mom is feeling pushed around. Good luck OP! |
Anonymous
| My MIL lives less than a mile from us, and we see her only on weekends, at her house, for lunch. She is VERY CAREFUL about invading our space. She has never had the kids spend the night, although will help out some when asked. She is, in fact, TOO careful about invading our space. Our relationship is quite formal and somewhat distant. I can't even imagine her hosting a party for one of our kids -- she doesn't come to their birthday parties. Consequently, my kids are not very close to her. Be careful what you wish for. |
Anonymous
| To the poster who says those who don't get the MIL issues, well, don't get it -- I guess I am speaking as a mother, not as someone pro- or anit-MIL. I can't imagine raising a child to adulthood and then not considering them or their children to be a part of my 'nuclear family' anymore. I guess that is the American way (I am American) but it seems unnecessary and sad. Can't they all be part of one big family? Why can't this MIL be thrilled that her grandson is turning 5 and want to throw a party for him, and ask her DIL if that's okay with her? Sounds like the OP wants to be the center of all spokes and resents that her MIL is used to being that. |
Anonymous
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You who are pro-MIL obviously have MILs who respect boundaries. So please don't give us the preachy "You're making a big deal out of this. Act like adults." type of lecture.
After my daughter was born, I put my foot down immediately b/c my MIL is completely passive-aggressive and controlling. Her three daughters basically want nothing to do with her, and I can fully understand why. Unfortunately, my husband is sometimes an idiot and doesn't see her flaws. So I am forced to become the strong one who sets boundaries. If I didn't do so, my daughter would eventually lose respect for me once she hit an age of understanding. I refuse to allow that to happen. And I most certainly do want to be a passive role model for my son either. So before you get all Pollyanna-ish on us who have been there, done that, thank your lucky stars that you have good MILs who are willing to work with you and not against you. And stop preaching - because your words mean nothing to us who are in a difficult situation. |
Anonymous
Nice sentiment, but it didn't happen like this. Reread OPs first and subsequent messages here -- the advice you're doling out doesn't even seem aimed at the actual account OP has described to you but rather some imagined other account where MIL was pure as the driven snow and just trying to help. Think you might be projecting an idealized situation onto OP, but she didn't ask for advice with that. She asked for advice with a MIL whose being pushy and presumptuous (and apparently has a habit of manipulating). That said, PP, I'm with you on everyone being part of one big happy family. FWIW, we do vacation with our parents (both sides) and typically go where "the family" wants to go (which is more often than not where my MIL and SIL decide to go and won't compromise even slightly). That's fine, though. We deal within that system even though I don't have unlimited time off -- there are choices to be made and we try to choose the ones that will preserve our family unit and allow us to spend time with the ones we love -- often at the expense of fulfilling our personal wanderlust. I'm sure OP has done things like this as well -- family life is a ceaseless balancing act and there ARE times when it is worth it to continually meet the same person way beyond halfway in order to exist in relative harmony within the family structure. But families have subdivisions, they are not fully communal, and in my opinion, that is as it should be. Just because one recognizes that an onion has layers doesn't mean one objects to the entire onion. (Ok, I admit that was a weird analogy). When people pair off, get married, and have kids, a new family unit is created. The marriage and your own children come FIRST. Then when you're the mom, and your child gets married, or your grandchild has a birthday party, you don't just barge in there and try to control the plans. Instead you take joy in creating a fully functioning adult who is perfectly capable of planning his or her own child's birthday party. Does that mean you can't offer to help? No way. You just realize that it's not your place to make the decisions or take control, unless somebody asks you to. You realize your place is to offer input, that may or may not be accomodated. PP who counsels care in what you're asking for due to formal in-laws -- I get it. as pushy as MIL was about my husband's birthday and so on, she was so afraid of offending me with her opinions (she said) on our wedding she didn't even help me with the seating chart when I asked for her input on a side of the famiy I didn't know at all and my husband didn't know welll (distant cousins were invited, and so on). As I got to know her more, I realized this lack of "pushyness" was really because she wasn't that interested. So I did ask her to back off on some things, and after a rocky patch, she started to get it. I love her very much and am able to value her now, because she's not trying to push everyone around quite as much (still does, but it's amazing what you can deal with when someone at least owns up to it). |
Anonymous
| I don't understand how your MIL's suggestion that you all go to ChE.Cheese constitutes vicious manipulation and an attempt at a takeover. You seem to have a very low threshhold for other people's needs and a hair trigger for anyone contradicting your pre-planned and packaged memory-making. God help your kids when you are the MIL. |
Anonymous
Hello? The OP asked for advice. When you ask for advice you are going to get a mixed bag. Some will agree with the OP's point-of-view and others will disagree. I think it is ridiculous how bent out of shape some of you become when people express a different point-of-view. And honestly, some of you who complain about your MIL's, you really come across in a bad light. I'm sure there is blame on both sides of the relationship, but if you are an outsider and you read what you write and how you express yourselves it is easy to understand why you don't get along with your MIL. Not every encounter with your MIL has to be an opportunity for setting boundaries or drawing a line in the sand. And not every action by your MIL is calculated and an attempt to usurp your "mommydom." |
Anonymous
I just re-read the original post and the follow-up and i still don't get it. MIL sounds all excited that two of her children and a few of her grandchildren will be able to celebrate the kid's 5th birthday party together. She asked if she could host. Sorry, still don't get that that's out of line. It sounds like if the OP had some healthy boundaries herself then she could just say "thanks for the offer but we already have plans, which of course involve you" w/o making the MIL out to be a huge bitch. |
Anonymous
| I have a MIL who does not always respect boundaries, and my mother has a MIL who does not respect boundaries at all, and I am one of the PPs who doesn't understand what there is left for the OP to discuss with MIL. MIL asked, OP said no (totally fine, totally understandable). What else is there? |
Anonymous
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That's right. That's what OP said -- she explained that she already had plans (she shouldn't have had to explain that but whatever, she didn't say "I jumped all over my MIL and slapped her face for being cheeky"). Then MIL said "oh."
OP later explained: "My MIL is very manipulative--though she doesn't think so--and she'll change the story to get want she wants. She always has an excuse that somehow makes her behavior better, in her eyes. And when she doesn't get her way, she'll play the guilt factor and talk about me (and everyone else) to all the other family. I ultimately feel ganged up on or feel as I'm being inconsiderate to their feelings." Thing is, this is a forum. I'm not asking anyone to censor advice or only say what the OP wants to hear, but she is asking for help dealing with a manipulative mother in law. She doesn't have to write all of the reasons MIL is manipulative. For this forum to be helpful to those asking questions, don't you think it's useful to take people at their word? It's fair enough to offer different perspectives, but some of you are acting as though the MIL asked the question here and is all "my DIL is soooo mean. she won't let me plan her child's bday party even though I was supernice about asking and understanding when she said no, have never overstepped boundaries before, and would never dream of manipulating. help me convince my daughter in law to be nice for a change!" What I read was "my MIL is frequently out-of-line and this is the latest. I had a birthday party planned and MIL told me she was going to plan something else. I said no, and MIL said nothing but 'oh.'" To those posters who said that the "oh" response should be the end of the story, reread her next post, where she says that the mother in law routinely manipulates, changes her story around, and then sh** talks her to the rest of the family. Some of us might have thicker skin than others, but that would get on my damn nerves. I think OP has a right to be upset and a reason to assert the boundaries. "oh," in this case, means "Oh,.....(you'll regret that!)" OP, tell your MIL that this is how life works: You raised great kids. They have now left the nest, gotten married, and had their own kids. It sounds like you can't let go completely and that's not helpful or healthy. It's time to cut the apron strings. This is my kid and I've planned a party. You suggested something else, I said no, and now you're giving me the impression you're going to get all pouty about it. Don't do it. In the future, offer suggestions as you want. Good ones will be lovingly and gratefully accepted. Manipulation, pouty behavior, and shittalking your child's spouse will not be tolerated. Figure that out so we can go back to having a happy family. In return, we will not ship you off to abu dhabi when you're old and can't make your own decisions let alone push us around. Just kidding, OP -- wanted to get a rise out of the "militant MIL defense coalition" who keep piping up. |