My mother is very sick (WWYD question)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So glad you're going.

Even if you don't belong to a church and neither does your mum, I think it would still be worth it to ask churches in the area if they have a program that offers free or cheap accomodation in such cases. I think it's the least a true Christian could do to help you out and extend the hand of fellowship in such a case. Maybe you can find a place close to your mum's nursing home.

Speaking of which, does the nursing home have a chaplain? He'd be the first person I'd ask for help once I get there.

I'll second the chaplain suggestion. OP, I recently went through something similar. I totally understand. good luck to you, and I hope it works out.

[Anonymous]

Do you belong to a church? You could share your story and ask for sponsorship.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad it looks like you've worked out a plan to go OP!

[Anonymous]

There is a southwest credit card promo that would get you enough points for 2 roundtrip tickets to SJC for signing up and spending $2,000 in the first three months. If you could use the card to pay your rent/mortgage/whatever and pay the balance in full, that might be an option.

[Anonymous]

OP here - quick update. I bought a ticket for the end of next month. I got a car for $75 for the entire time, which is great. Gas prices are great, and lodging will be free. Without traffic, I can get to my friend's place in an hour or so. It's not going to be easy or relaxing, but I need to see my family. And shoulder some of the emotional burden. I can tell my siblings are suffering. Moving is not going to happen for a while now, but everything else is fine financially for me.

My mom never asked me to go, but she cries and says she misses me and DD every time we talk.

I will talk to the staff/chaplain at the home. I have questions about benefits too. I could use someone to talk to.

[Anonymous]

So glad you figured it out, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to bring it up, but what would happen if she passes away? Do you need the few resources you have to travel for a funeral, or arrange her affairs?

Of course you'd rather spend the money to see her alive, but practically speaking...

I don't think you'll get much of a reasoned response here. Most of the people on this board seem to know nothing about what it's like to scrape by, with credit cards virtually maxed.

OP here. Exactly what I was thinking. If I go now, and she passes away, I won't be able to go back.

To answer some of the questions, it wouldn't be good for my well being to be away from my DD. Her dad and I are not together and he has never taken her for more than a night, never wanted to. And it would be good for everyone's morale and my mother's health to see her. Flights are around $375 for each of us. There is no one to drive us around, so car is necessary. We would stay somewhere cheap, like $80 a night, maybe I could get something for less online. Still, that's more than $1200, without food. I could probably save enough to get us there over the summer. But my heart wants to go NOW.

My brothers are paying rent for my aunt, where Mom used to live, so they're tapped out. Their apartment is not an option either, sadly, they're hoarders and it's disgusting. Thanks much for trying to think of options with me.

Yes, it is much better for you to wait until she dies and then go back for the funeral instead of seeing her while she is alive.
Sorry to be snarky, but I was in this exact situation with my dad, and so was my brother. I chose to go see my dad and spent time with him while I could. My brother chose to go back after he passed away and deliver the eulogy and act like he was the "good son". I can sleep at night knowing that I did what was good for my dad. I hope you do right by your mother.

[Anonymous]

There are some things in life you cannot put a price on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to bring it up, but what would happen if she passes away? Do you need the few resources you have to travel for a funeral, or arrange her affairs?

Of course you'd rather spend the money to see her alive, but practically speaking...

I don't think you'll get much of a reasoned response here. Most of the people on this board seem to know nothing about what it's like to scrape by, with credit cards virtually maxed.

OP here. Exactly what I was thinking. If I go now, and she passes away, I won't be able to go back.

To answer some of the questions, it wouldn't be good for my well being to be away from my DD. Her dad and I are not together and he has never taken her for more than a night, never wanted to. And it would be good for everyone's morale and my mother's health to see her. Flights are around $375 for each of us. There is no one to drive us around, so car is necessary. We would stay somewhere cheap, like $80 a night, maybe I could get something for less online. Still, that's more than $1200, without food. I could probably save enough to get us there over the summer. But my heart wants to go NOW.

My brothers are paying rent for my aunt, where Mom used to live, so they're tapped out. Their apartment is not an option either, sadly, they're hoarders and it's disgusting. Thanks much for trying to think of options with me.

Yes, it is much better for you to wait until she dies and then go back for the funeral instead of seeing her while she is alive.
Sorry to be snarky, but I was in this exact situation with my dad, and so was my brother. I chose to go see my dad and spent time with him while I could. My brother chose to go back after he passed away and deliver the eulogy and act like he was the "good son". I can sleep at night knowing that I did what was good for my dad. I hope you do right by your mother.

Maybe your brother knew that it would be important to get back to be there for your mom and to show proper respect for his dad at the funeral? Maybe he thought that he was doing what your dad would have wanted him to do? Everyone grieves differently, Op. And if he had other obligations maybe that was the best he could do at the time.

It was good that you were able to be there for your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to bring it up, but what would happen if she passes away? Do you need the few resources you have to travel for a funeral, or arrange her affairs?

Of course you'd rather spend the money to see her alive, but practically speaking...

I don't think you'll get much of a reasoned response here. Most of the people on this board seem to know nothing about what it's like to scrape by, with credit cards virtually maxed.

OP here. Exactly what I was thinking. If I go now, and she passes away, I won't be able to go back.

To answer some of the questions, it wouldn't be good for my well being to be away from my DD. Her dad and I are not together and he has never taken her for more than a night, never wanted to. And it would be good for everyone's morale and my mother's health to see her. Flights are around $375 for each of us. There is no one to drive us around, so car is necessary. We would stay somewhere cheap, like $80 a night, maybe I could get something for less online. Still, that's more than $1200, without food. I could probably save enough to get us there over the summer. But my heart wants to go NOW.

My brothers are paying rent for my aunt, where Mom used to live, so they're tapped out. Their apartment is not an option either, sadly, they're hoarders and it's disgusting. Thanks much for trying to think of options with me.

Yes, it is much better for you to wait until she dies and then go back for the funeral instead of seeing her while she is alive.
Sorry to be snarky, but I was in this exact situation with my dad, and so was my brother. I chose to go see my dad and spent time with him while I could. My brother chose to go back after he passed away and deliver the eulogy and act like he was the "good son". I can sleep at night knowing that I did what was good for my dad. I hope you do right by your mother.

Maybe your brother knew that it would be important to get back to be there for your mom and to show proper respect for his dad at the funeral? Maybe he thought that he was doing what your dad would have wanted him to do? Everyone grieves differently, Op. And if he had other obligations maybe that was the best he could do at the time.

It was good that you were able to be there for your dad.

I agree. It sounds like you're grateful that you had that special time with your father, but I don't think it's necessarily fair to judge your sibling. Parent-child relationships vary. I come from a large family and all of us relate differently to our parents.

[Anonymous]

You don't have the ability to put $1200 on a credit card?
How old are you?

[Anonymous]

This may sound odd or off putting but do you have a will, OP? My DH and I did not travel together and I would not travel as a single parent without my child until I had a will in place in case something happened to me. To me, it is more important to make sure I have guardianship set up for my children than traveling to see my mother without it. I know you don't have a lot of money but if you leave your daughter to see your mother, be sure to have steps in place in case something happens to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may sound odd or off putting but do you have a will, OP? My DH and I did not travel together and I would not travel as a single parent without my child until I had a will in place in case something happened to me. To me, it is more important to make sure I have guardianship set up for my children than traveling to see my mother without it. I know you don't have a lot of money but if you leave your daughter to see your mother, be sure to have steps in place in case something happens to you.

DD and I are going together. I scraped up the money for both of us. I do have concerns about that. I should probably make some plans for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to weigh in and tell you that it's okay not to go. Would your mother really want you to spend your only financial cushion and lose your chance to move in order to see her for a couple of days? You both have had a loving relationship for many years (it sounds like) -- a couple of days one way or another will not change that. You really need to not judge yourself if you can't make it. I second the recommendation of Skype calls. I think if you asked your mother, she would want this to be one last gift to you -- the gift of not ruining your finances. For many elderly, one of their biggest worries is that their children will drive themselves to financial ruin by trying to take care of them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't have the ability to put $1200 on a credit card?
How old are you?

How old are you? Why do you feel it's necessary to be nasty to strangers?