My mother is very sick (WWYD question)

[Anonymous]

How do people end up so far away from their loved ones with no plan on how to get back. I wished that I lived locally to my parents, but I would move home in a nanosecond if I couldn't afford to visit whenever I wanted. How did this happen?!?

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely go... I don't have a lot of money but I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if something happened and I missed that opportunity to see my mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people end up so far away from their loved ones with no plan on how to get back. I wished that I lived locally to my parents, but I would move home in a nanosecond if I couldn't afford to visit whenever I wanted. How did this happen?!?

Not helpful right now.

[Anonymous]

From your description, OP, it sounds like your mother is now more stable. So why do you feel there's a big hurry now? What prognosis has her doctor given her? Is it because you feel you should be with her for the transition to a nursing home? Does she have other family around? Can you speak a lot on the phone?

My mother is on the other side of the world, so I understand. But I find that we have far more heart-to-hearts on the phone than we do when we are together in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to bring it up, but what would happen if she passes away? Do you need the few resources you have to travel for a funeral, or arrange her affairs?

Of course you'd rather spend the money to see her alive, but practically speaking...

I don't think you'll get much of a reasoned response here. Most of the people on this board seem to know nothing about what it's like to scrape by, with credit cards virtually maxed.

OP here. Exactly what I was thinking. If I go now, and she passes away, I won't be able to go back.

To answer some of the questions, it wouldn't be good for my well being to be away from my DD. Her dad and I are not together and he has never taken her for more than a night, never wanted to. And it would be good for everyone's morale and my mother's health to see her. Flights are around $375 for each of us. There is no one to drive us around, so car is necessary. We would stay somewhere cheap, like $80 a night, maybe I could get something for less online. Still, that's more than $1200, without food. I could probably save enough to get us there over the summer. But my heart wants to go NOW.

My brothers are paying rent for my aunt, where Mom used to live, so they're tapped out. Their apartment is not an option either, sadly, they're hoarders and it's disgusting. Thanks much for trying to think of options with me.

I'm so sorry for your situation, truly. But stop with the excuses. It's bad for my well-being to leave my DD, apartment is dirty so I NEED a hotel. Suck it up---this isn't about you

[Anonymous]

How old is your DD? Can she stay with a friend for a couple of nights while you go? I'm sure friends would like to help you.

[Anonymous]

OP in and out of the hospital does not sound good to me. Think about what she has and why it keeps coming back (Ie could it be a downturn is next?) I would be inclined to squeeze in with the aunt if I were you and try to go within the next 60 days.

[Anonymous]

Isn't Ronald McDonald house for when your child is in NICU?

[Anonymous]

Leave your kid here with a friend and go stay at your brothers' meat place. Just cut your expense by half if not more. Worth it.

[Anonymous]

No one regrets going to see a loved before they die. Lots of people regret not seeing them though.

You have a lot of excuses and seem to be looking for justifications to not go. You are the only one who has to live with that decision.

[Anonymous]

Can someone nearby her go and set up Skype for you and your mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


I'm so sorry for your situation, truly. But stop with the excuses. It's bad for my well-being to leave my DD, apartment is dirty so I NEED a hotel. Suck it up---this isn't about you

OMG, PP. OP has to take care of herself. They're not excuses-- they're reasonable considerations for self-care.

And, clearly you have not known a hoarder. Sometimes it is impossible to breathe in that environment. It is not merely "dirty."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your description, OP, it sounds like your mother is now more stable. So why do you feel there's a big hurry now? What prognosis has her doctor given her? Is it because you feel you should be with her for the transition to a nursing home? Does she have other family around? Can you speak a lot on the phone?

My mother is on the other side of the world, so I understand. But I find that we have far more heart-to-hearts on the phone than we do when we are together in person.

OP again. I feel in a hurry because she almost died last month. I have not spoken to her doctors, but I know there are ongoing multiple issues with HBP and diabetes. Also uterine prolapse and urinary issues. It's pretty bad. She has had to have transfusions, too, I don't know why. I do fear another crisis. I like the idea of making of concrete plan, in the next month or two months, to get there. That seems tough money wise, but doable.

She does not have a smartphone, or a computer, so I don't know about Skype, that's a good suggestion. I am also going to print some pictures of my daughter for her and send them in the meantime. I sent her a book from photobucket and she loved it but lost it in her house.

Aunt is a hoarder, not brother. There are roaches crawling all over the place, they would crawl on us in our sleep literally, and there is not a bed or a couch to sleep on. That is not an acceptable place to stay. Brother lives with other relatives so that's not an option.

I could stay with friends, but they are about 2 hours away. That's definitely an option worth exploring. Last time I stayed in a hotel close to Mom so I could spend more time with her, but in desperate times, I could work with being further away. I actually didn't think of that yet.

If I could just hold her hand and hug her and talk to her I know it would help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to weigh in and tell you that it's okay not to go. Would your mother really want you to spend your only financial cushion and lose your chance to move in order to see her for a couple of days? You both have had a loving relationship for many years (it sounds like) -- a couple of days one way or another will not change that. You really need to not judge yourself if you can't make it. I second the recommendation of Skype calls. I think if you asked your mother, she would want this to be one last gift to you -- the gift of not ruining your finances. For many elderly, one of their biggest worries is that their children will drive themselves to financial ruin by trying to take care of them.

Thank you. Mom has regressed to pretty much babyhood, I feel like she needs me and I need to take care of her.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP. I know how hard it is when you feel like your parent needs you. I used to drive up to NY from DC once a month with my toddler DS to help out my elderly dad. I can only imagine how hard it is to be farther away.