My mother is very sick (WWYD question)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to bring it up, but what would happen if she passes away? Do you need the few resources you have to travel for a funeral, or arrange her affairs?

Of course you'd rather spend the money to see her alive, but practically speaking...

I don't think you'll get much of a reasoned response here. Most of the people on this board seem to know nothing about what it's like to scrape by, with credit cards virtually maxed.

OP here. Exactly what I was thinking. If I go now, and she passes away, I won't be able to go back.

To answer some of the questions, it wouldn't be good for my well being to be away from my DD. Her dad and I are not together and he has never taken her for more than a night, never wanted to. And it would be good for everyone's morale and my mother's health to see her. Flights are around $375 for each of us. There is no one to drive us around, so car is necessary. We would stay somewhere cheap, like $80 a night, maybe I could get something for less online. Still, that's more than $1200, without food. I could probably save enough to get us there over the summer. But my heart wants to go NOW.

My brothers are paying rent for my aunt, where Mom used to live, so they're tapped out. Their apartment is not an option either, sadly, they're hoarders and it's disgusting. Thanks much for trying to think of options with me.

Yes, it is much better for you to wait until she dies and then go back for the funeral instead of seeing her while she is alive.
Sorry to be snarky, but I was in this exact situation with my dad, and so was my brother. I chose to go see my dad and spent time with him while I could. My brother chose to go back after he passed away and deliver the eulogy and act like he was the "good son". I can sleep at night knowing that I did what was good for my dad. I hope you do right by your mother.

Maybe your brother knew that it would be important to get back to be there for your mom and to show proper respect for his dad at the funeral? Maybe he thought that he was doing what your dad would have wanted him to do? Everyone grieves differently, Op. And if he had other obligations maybe that was the best he could do at the time.

It was good that you were able to be there for your dad.

Please, spare us that tripe. You don't show proper respect to a person by being there to their funeral, you show proper respect and love to them by being there for them when they're alive. When they need you. When you can still share your life with them and they can still share their life with you. Not when they're a bunch of tissues beginning to rot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to bring it up, but what would happen if she passes away? Do you need the few resources you have to travel for a funeral, or arrange her affairs?

Of course you'd rather spend the money to see her alive, but practically speaking...

I don't think you'll get much of a reasoned response here. Most of the people on this board seem to know nothing about what it's like to scrape by, with credit cards virtually maxed.

OP here. Exactly what I was thinking. If I go now, and she passes away, I won't be able to go back.

To answer some of the questions, it wouldn't be good for my well being to be away from my DD. Her dad and I are not together and he has never taken her for more than a night, never wanted to. And it would be good for everyone's morale and my mother's health to see her. Flights are around $375 for each of us. There is no one to drive us around, so car is necessary. We would stay somewhere cheap, like $80 a night, maybe I could get something for less online. Still, that's more than $1200, without food. I could probably save enough to get us there over the summer. But my heart wants to go NOW.

My brothers are paying rent for my aunt, where Mom used to live, so they're tapped out. Their apartment is not an option either, sadly, they're hoarders and it's disgusting. Thanks much for trying to think of options with me.

Yes, it is much better for you to wait until she dies and then go back for the funeral instead of seeing her while she is alive.
Sorry to be snarky, but I was in this exact situation with my dad, and so was my brother. I chose to go see my dad and spent time with him while I could. My brother chose to go back after he passed away and deliver the eulogy and act like he was the "good son". I can sleep at night knowing that I did what was good for my dad. I hope you do right by your mother.

Maybe your brother knew that it would be important to get back to be there for your mom and to show proper respect for his dad at the funeral? Maybe he thought that he was doing what your dad would have wanted him to do? Everyone grieves differently, Op. And if he had other obligations maybe that was the best he could do at the time.

It was good that you were able to be there for your dad.

Please, spare us that tripe. You don't show proper respect to a person by being there to their funeral, you show proper respect and love to them by being there for them when they're alive. When they need you. When you can still share your life with them and they can still share their life with you. Not when they're a bunch of tissues beginning to rot.

You have no idea what other people want. My father absolutely did not want anyone around him when he was dying. We think he didn't want us to see him in a weakened state. He did, however, want a big traditional funeral, so that's what he had. Really, you should not make assumptions about the wishes of the dying. At the very least, you should try to be more polite and sensitive in your posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to bring it up, but what would happen if she passes away? Do you need the few resources you have to travel for a funeral, or arrange her affairs?

Of course you'd rather spend the money to see her alive, but practically speaking...

I don't think you'll get much of a reasoned response here. Most of the people on this board seem to know nothing about what it's like to scrape by, with credit cards virtually maxed.

OP here. Exactly what I was thinking. If I go now, and she passes away, I won't be able to go back.

To answer some of the questions, it wouldn't be good for my well being to be away from my DD. Her dad and I are not together and he has never taken her for more than a night, never wanted to. And it would be good for everyone's morale and my mother's health to see her. Flights are around $375 for each of us. There is no one to drive us around, so car is necessary. We would stay somewhere cheap, like $80 a night, maybe I could get something for less online. Still, that's more than $1200, without food. I could probably save enough to get us there over the summer. But my heart wants to go NOW.


My brothers are paying rent for my aunt, where Mom used to live, so they're tapped out. Their apartment is not an option either, sadly, they're hoarders and it's disgusting. Thanks much for trying to think of options with me.

Call an aireline and see if the can get you a special rate, tell them the situation.

[Anonymous]

Are there any items you have at home that you no longer need that you could sell on ebay or pawn? Maybe toys/baby gear/clothes that your child has outgrown? Maybe downsize all the costs you can live without...cancel the newspaper/magazines (use the library), less or no haircuts (depending on your style), only economical home cooking (no snacks, meals, drinks out), no cable, etc. What you absolutely need is often less than what you are spending. I'd also put the word out to the local churches and explain your situation and tell them if you are willing to babysit/clean house/paint etc that you would appreciate word being spread around. I think people who need these services anyway might want to help someone in your situation.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may sound odd or off putting but do you have a will, OP? My DH and I did not travel together and I would not travel as a single parent without my child until I had a will in place in case something happened to me. To me, it is more important to make sure I have guardianship set up for my children than traveling to see my mother without it. I know you don't have a lot of money but if you leave your daughter to see your mother, be sure to have steps in place in case something happens to you.

Why did you think you were more likely to die while travelling? I think people are more likely to die while not travelling?

At any rate, OP's daughter has a father and OP cannot write a will to give guardianship to someone else - or at least, it wouldn't stand up if the father contested it. Sure, get a will, but not for that. At any rate, this is all very far off-topic.

I'm glad you've got a plan, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may sound odd or off putting but do you have a will, OP? My DH and I did not travel together and I would not travel as a single parent without my child until I had a will in place in case something happened to me. To me, it is more important to make sure I have guardianship set up for my children than traveling to see my mother without it. I know you don't have a lot of money but if you leave your daughter to see your mother, be sure to have steps in place in case something happens to you.

I agree that everyone should have a will, but this sounds like an unhealthy amount of anxiety. You do realize, PP, that your entire family could get in a car accident and only your child survives? Or there are a million other scenarios in which your child loses you. I mean, did you get in the car and go to work without your kid? Or drive her with you in hopes you'd both die together? Ka-razy.

[Anonymous]

OP please start a go fund me and post if you feel so inclined. I will repost it to see if I can get others to donate.

[Anonymous]

I would look into care.com or sittercity to pick up a few extra bucks. Since you already watch your daughter, if you could find someone that would allow you to bring her with you or drop their kids off at your home, that would be an easy way to gain a little extra money as a cushion.

[Anonymous]

a few thoughts: could you offer your place on airbnb while you're visiting your mom? that could bring back in some of the funds you spent on the trip. similarly, could you sign up to do some uber driving while your daughter's in school or with a friend, again, to bring in some additional funds for the trip. are you able to rent out a room in your house/apartment, either long-term or sporadically through airbnb?

my heart goes out to you and your family. I know it's difficult.

[Anonymous]

Your first priority is your child, and you simply can't afford this. Look into skype calls or something else, but your child is dependent on you and it is not fair to her to put her in a financially precarious position. Don't charge the visit and rack up debt that will make you even more stressed out. Going out there isn't going to heal your mother and frankly you're probably still going to feel shitty afterwards, except you'll feel shitty & even more financially stressed. I grew up with parents who were always financially stressed and it sucked! I would get so angry because they did it to themselves & their children. At the end of the day, you can't afford this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your first priority is your child, and you simply can't afford this. Look into skype calls or something else, but your child is dependent on you and it is not fair to her to put her in a financially precarious position. Don't charge the visit and rack up debt that will make you even more stressed out. Going out there isn't going to heal your mother and frankly you're probably still going to feel shitty afterwards, except you'll feel shitty & even more financially stressed. I grew up with parents who were always financially stressed and it sucked! I would get so angry because they did it to themselves & their children. At the end of the day, you can't afford this.

I disagree about what her priorities should be based on her posts.

At the end of the day, this OP would feel horrible if she didn't see her mom before she died. She'll take a financial hit but nothing that can't be resolved and for OP, that is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people end up so far away from their loved ones with no plan on how to get back. I wished that I lived locally to my parents, but I would move home in a nanosecond if I couldn't afford to visit whenever I wanted. How did this happen?!?

Anonymous wrote:You don't have the ability to put $1200 on a credit card?
How old are you?

Let them eat cake.

OP- I'm very glad you're able to go now and spend time with your mother. If given the choice of seeing my mother one more time before she passes or going to her funeral, I would gladly see my mother. Make the most of your time together- good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP please start a go fund me and post if you feel so inclined. I will repost it to see if I can get others to donate.

OP here. How nice of you. I was able to get tickets for myself and DD for $800, car for $75 total, and free lodging. All my regular bills will be paid, and I won't be behind. So everything is turning out ok. I just postponed moving into a new apartment, that's not so bad.

I have been in touch with the social worker at the nursing home and I have made myself a main contact and I will help develop a discharge plan for Mom. I've been proactive at trying to share the burden with other family members.

I would much rather see Mom now then come to her funeral. But missing that would hurt me and be very sad for my family. I hope it does not come to that.

[Anonymous]

I am PP 21:17. SO glad things are working out and you, your mom and your daughter are in my prayers. This may not be an easy trip, but try to enjoy the little things!

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP. I wish you and easy, safe trip, and a loving visit with your mom.