Losing respect for my husband

[Anonymous]

My DH lies a lot. He doesn't want to disappointment me. He doesn't want me to get angry. He's going to 'get to it done, for sure' so he'll be safe in telling me it's done. Of course, he doesn't get to it. It's not like I'm a shrew but he's so conflict-averse and his family dynamics growing up encouraged lying. He's also got ADHD/anxiety/depression and, I understand from extensive counseling, that some of this behavior is a legacy from those disorders. His lying has extended to such things as filing taxes and making quarterly payments for self-employment. He assured me all year that he'd been making payments. He hadn't. He assured me all year that he'd been inputting his expenses into an expense/tax program he purchased. He hadn't. It wasn't until April 15 when I couldn't postpone filing our taxes any longer that he confessed. He lied about taking evening classes. He registered/paid for the courses and then stopped attending class although he'd leave in the evenings and tell me he was going. He lies about money he's spent. We've got 2 SN kids, swimming in bills and living paycheck to paycheck. He's spending $5K/yr at 7-11/McDonalds. I can't get him to stop. He also lied for a long time about resuming tobacco use. Lied when my face was 3 inches from his and he was reeking of it.

These lies have created huge problems in our marriage and in our financial stability. We've had lots of counseling. Why do we stay married? I compartmentalize a lot (I developed excellent compartmentalization skills during my horrific childhood) and my life is complicated enough right now without adding divorce/custody to it. We owe more on our house than it's worth. We have kids with SN and DH is great with them, their appointments and home therapy. He's also good around the house. There are a lot of positive things about him but his lies have destroyed the trust I had in our him and our relationship. When my life is less complex in a few years, I have no doubt I'll initiate divorce proceedings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are the problem. Literally. The. Problem.

Listen, no one wants to deal with someone who is difficult. And if you are smart, most people will go out of their way to avoid triggering a response that will be more of a headache than just doing whatever. You created this environment by being a nagging, ungrateful, unloving spouse. Your entire post screams a lack of gratitude.

You can end it (or at least attempt to end it and save your marriage), by working on yourself. If you can't do that, welcome to single motherhood. It ain't what it's cracked up to be despite your fantasies notwithstanding.

-Single Mom.

Another single mom here to say: He's shown you who he is, stop expecting him to be any different.

My ex-husband lied and lies to me because he doesn't think I'm worthy of a response. "When did the kids last eat?" asked at an 8:30pm drop off. Fuck it. I'm not listing a bunch of examples to make the point.

Sure, check in with yourself and see if you're guilty of whatever the DCUM bitches are accusing you of---wanting an answer? caring about your kids? assuming someone you married with tell you the truth when asked a question?

But, also look at your childish husband's passive aggressive bullshit for what it is: a damn power trip.

I don't ask questions anymore, because I can't believe a word that comes out of that man's mouth. So, I plan accordingly. Instead of spinning my wheels wondering how a grown man can lie about having changed his daughter's diaper when it's clear the same one has been on all day long, I potty trained her quickly and put her brother in charge of carrying the diapers to daddy's house for visitation. Same with filling snacks, etc. They have learned to be resourceful around their father.

His lies to them kill me, so I don't participate in them. He tries to get them to go wash their hands or go upstairs to grab a toy in anticipation of him playing with them a bit before leaving, but will glide out instead of saying goodbye, leaving me to deal with the anguish---not of his departure---but of the lie. So, as much as it pisses him off, I make them say good bye to him before going to do what he asked.

You are beholden to your children. If this man chooses to lie to avoid adult conversations...do what you want. I'm not going to beat you up for your husband's bad behavior. There are worse things than being a single mom.

I no longer exist on shifting realities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH lies a lot. He doesn't want to disappointment me. He doesn't want me to get angry. He's going to 'get to it done, for sure' so he'll be safe in telling me it's done. Of course, he doesn't get to it. It's not like I'm a shrew but he's so conflict-averse and his family dynamics growing up encouraged lying. He's also got ADHD/anxiety/depression and, I understand from extensive counseling, that some of this behavior is a legacy from those disorders. His lying has extended to such things as filing taxes and making quarterly payments for self-employment. He assured me all year that he'd been making payments. He hadn't. He assured me all year that he'd been inputting his expenses into an expense/tax program he purchased. He hadn't. It wasn't until April 15 when I couldn't postpone filing our taxes any longer that he confessed. He lied about taking evening classes. He registered/paid for the courses and then stopped attending class although he'd leave in the evenings and tell me he was going. He lies about money he's spent. We've got 2 SN kids, swimming in bills and living paycheck to paycheck. He's spending $5K/yr at 7-11/McDonalds. I can't get him to stop. He also lied for a long time about resuming tobacco use. Lied when my face was 3 inches from his and he was reeking of it.

These lies have created huge problems in our marriage and in our financial stability. We've had lots of counseling. Why do we stay married? I compartmentalize a lot (I developed excellent compartmentalization skills during my horrific childhood) and my life is complicated enough right now without adding divorce/custody to it. We owe more on our house than it's worth. We have kids with SN and DH is great with them, their appointments and home therapy. He's also good around the house. There are a lot of positive things about him but his lies have destroyed the trust I had in our him and our relationship. When my life is less complex in a few years, I have no doubt I'll initiate divorce proceedings.

This sheds so much light on everything OP. I hope those who were so quick to vilify you read this. Just hang in there until you can get your divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks (without sarcasm) for telling it like you see it. It is helpful to hear, even if it hurts. I know I am not blameless. I just thought the lying/ omissions could never be justified. But I see everyone does not share that view.

Some silly little (or bigger) lie to avoid being verbally abused, castigated, yelled at? Unless it is the end of the world, put a lid on your immediate reactions - learn to listen better as others have suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In my case, dh had decided (in his own mind) that he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore. He started acting more and more like a bachelor-- less parenting, less housework, spending more and more money (secretly) on himself. He had never been a very good husband or dad in the first place, and I knew from experience that he reacted poorly to "being told what to do."

Wow, what a catch. So why'd you marry him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"And yet you married him in the first place. Why did you do that? "

You wouldn't lend her your crystal ball. Unintended consequences.

Crystal ball? I love hearing this excuse. How about waiting a handful of years instead of following some bullshit time schedule? Much of the time when women pick shitty mates, it's because they didn't perform their due diligence before getting married.

Take some personal responsibility for your actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We were 22 years old when we married. I didn't realize that he would get tired of "playing house," and just stop playing. He apparently didn't realize that having children meant he'd have to share his time, his money, and my attention.

What a great decision: Deciding to get married at 22.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have been lied to so much by all of my ex's.

Who is the common denominator here?