Losing respect for my husband

[Anonymous]

He lies to me or omits information to avoid my getting irritated or annoyed about things, or to avoid having to ask me if I agree to something (e.g., things related to our children that both parents should decide). I'm pretty sure he may even lie to me or obviously hide things from me in front of his family. I find myself disgusted with this behavior and thinking less of him--thinking that he is a coward. And I feel like his family will have zero respect for me-- why should they when they can see that he keeps things from me? Am I justified? Anyone else go through this and is it possible to salvage this relationship?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a vicious cycle. You hen-peck and belittle him, so he seeks to avoid triggering your abuse. And then you get resentful that he won't engage.

Please see a therapist to learn more about why you do the things you do.

[Anonymous]

It sounds as if he is afraid to discuss things with you because of the way you react. It is no fun having conversations with your spouse if they are going to get irritated and react poorly. It may be time to go to marriage counseling to learn how to communicate effectively.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to tell you anything, either. Do you berate him for making his own decisions, instead of considering his opinion? That's what it sounds like.

If you want to salvage your relationship, I suggest you find some gratitude and love and stop treating your husband like that.

Are you verbally abusive?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the problem. Literally. The. Problem.

Listen, no one wants to deal with someone who is difficult. And if you are smart, most people will go out of their way to avoid triggering a response that will be more of a headache than just doing whatever. You created this environment by being a nagging, ungrateful, unloving spouse. Your entire post screams a lack of gratitude.

You can end it (or at least attempt to end it and save your marriage), by working on yourself. If you can't do that, welcome to single motherhood. It ain't what it's cracked up to be despite your fantasies notwithstanding.

-Single Mom.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks (without sarcasm) for telling it like you see it. It is helpful to hear, even if it hurts. I know I am not blameless. I just thought the lying/ omissions could never be justified. But I see everyone does not share that view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks (without sarcasm) for telling it like you see it. It is helpful to hear, even if it hurts. I know I am not blameless. I just thought the lying/ omissions could never be justified. But I see everyone does not share that view.

Lying and omissions aren't good. But when they're done to avoid abuse, they're understandable. Consider a child who lies about something to avoid a beating.

[Anonymous]

In no way has the OP shown irate behavior. She has simply stated that she despises the lies. Who doesn't?

I went through the same thing. I found out my husband was buying things and shipping to his fathers house to avoid telling me. We had a pretty big fight because yes it is disrespectful and also shows his parents the same to me.
My side of the fight was the dishonesty as I could care less that he was buying $100-)200 golf clubs. His money his concerns. Just don't lie!!!!!

I understand what the pp's may be stating that if she is unapproachable but that still does not equate lying.

OP can you talk w him and tell him what you want from your side of the relationship as in honesty and an united front?

[Anonymous]

Also, the lying isn't really the disease. It's a symptom of what's wrong with your marriage. If you aren't seeing an openness there, you need to start with yourself to see if there's something you are doing to foster this stuff. If you are, you can make changes. If they aren't working, then it's time to look at your husband. But to jump immediately to him without any internal thoughts about what your role in all of this is and how you can either fix it or have made it worst shows a lack of self-reflection that will undermine anything you want to do to fix your marriage (if you really want that -- some people find it too difficult and would prefer to cut and run).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, the lying isn't really the disease. It's a symptom of what's wrong with your marriage. If you aren't seeing an openness there, you need to start with yourself to see if there's something you are doing to foster this stuff. If you are, you can make changes. If they aren't working, then it's time to look at your husband. But to jump immediately to him without any internal thoughts about what your role in all of this is and how you can either fix it or have made it worst shows a lack of self-reflection that will undermine anything you want to do to fix your marriage (if you really want that -- some people find it too difficult and would prefer to cut and run).

This is an excellent post. OP, please read and re-read this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are the problem. Literally. The. Problem.

Listen, no one wants to deal with someone who is difficult. And if you are smart, most people will go out of their way to avoid triggering a response that will be more of a headache than just doing whatever. You created this environment by being a nagging, ungrateful, unloving spouse. Your entire post screams a lack of gratitude.

You can end it (or at least attempt to end it and save your marriage), by working on yourself. If you can't do that, welcome to single motherhood. It ain't what it's cracked up to be despite your fantasies notwithstanding.

-Single Mom.

+1
Same perception I got here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a vicious cycle. You hen-peck and belittle him, so he seeks to avoid triggering your abuse. And then you get resentful that he won't engage.

Please see a therapist to learn more about why you do the things you do.

+1

[Anonymous]

My husband can be stubborn and unreasonable, so there are times I gloss things over or omit so as to avoid a lecture or having a long discussion to convince him or my point of view. I do that as well, of course, for all important decisions. But sometimes little decisions that I know he would baulk over, such as purchases under $50, I just go under the radar.

Nothing in your post suggest that you are too controlling, OP, but just bear it in mind as a possibility.

On the surface of it, your husband sounds dishonest. When you have a conversation about it, what does he say about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He lies to me or omits information to avoid my getting irritated or annoyed about things, or to avoid having to ask me if I agree to something (e.g., things related to our children that both parents should decide). I'm pretty sure he may even lie to me or obviously hide things from me in front of his family. I find myself disgusted with this behavior and thinking less of him--thinking that he is a coward. And I feel like his family will have zero respect for me-- why should they when they can see that he keeps things from me? Am I justified? Anyone else go through this and is it possible to salvage this relationship?

what kind of things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a vicious cycle. You hen-peck and belittle him, so he seeks to avoid triggering your abuse. And then you get resentful that he won't engage.

Please see a therapist to learn more about why you do the things you do.

+1. It is easier for him to avoid the inevitable turmoil.