Losing respect for my husband

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately I don't think it's fixable. If your husband thinks it's acceptable to lie to you, and doesn't have enough respect to you to even worry about you finding out about his lies, then in my opinion the relationship is over. You could try going to therapy; but I think you would be better off ending things and then paying for therapy for yourself to figure out why you picked someone who is such a disrespectful loser. There are plenty of loser guys out there. And the more aware you are of yourself and the little relationship issues you have, the more you will be able to avoid ending up with another one.

It's a hard road but I wish you well. Good luck OP!

[Anonymous]

Wow, I can't believe how everyone assumes OP is the problem! My ex-husband also lied, omitted details, omitted big things, twisted the truth, said one thing and did another, etc for years and I over the years learned to pay no attention to anything he said because who knew if it bore any relation to reality or not. Obviously I had lost all respect for him. It had nothing whatsoever to do with me and my reactions- I am if anything way too meek and accepting, the farthest thing from abusive or belittling as people are accusing OP of being! It is his undiagnosed psychological problem. So other explanations are possible.

My ex also had this disconnected relationship with reality with everyone else too, though, not just me. I listened to him say things to his family, friends, work colleagues, etc, that were also not true, or not the whole truth, or not exactly true, etc. So do you see this dishonest behavior with others, OP, or just with you?

[Anonymous]

PP, you can tell whether the OP is the problem because OP doesn't even know. She absolutely lacks a sense of self-reflection that is necessary before you go throwing stones.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been in your place.

I think previous posters (even the mean ones) have brought up some important points. Even if you are "blameless" (by this I mean behaving ethically toward him, in good faith), your actions and responses influence his behavior. Something you are doing/saying, or NOT doing/saying may be telling him that lying to you is a better idea than telling the truth.

In my case, dh had decided (in his own mind) that he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore. He started acting more and more like a bachelor-- less parenting, less housework, spending more and more money (secretly) on himself. He had never been a very good husband or dad in the first place, and I knew from experience that he reacted poorly to "being told what to do."

I was afraid to confront him, because he took ANY criticism-- even completely valid and gently delivered-- as an attack. I had learned that he would become angry at ME, but wouldn't change the behavior. So, at first I let him slide, and picked up the slack myself. Apparently, this made him feel like he'd hit the jackpot, and he started acting even more like a frat boy.

Then I got exhausted and frustrated, and let snark and sarcasm slip into my responses to him. Bad idea. Now he had "evidence" that I was a "nagging bitch," and felt justified in his actions. Things got worse.

I thought hard about saving my marriage, and decided to really try. I started speaking the truth to dh again, instead of avoiding or snarking. It didn't change his actions, but at least I felt like I was being honest and engaged in our marriage. I told him I'd leave him if we didn't try counseling. We did, for a year.

Counseling was really useful. I learned which of MY behaviors had been counterproductive, and enabled dh to act like a jerk. I got advice on better ways to act, and better ways to deal with dh's choices. It was affirming (but depressing) to hear that the counselor thought I had been doing my best, and that dh was the one who needed to really work on himself.

Dh, unfortunately, refused to make any of the changes the counselor suggested. He admitted, honestly, that even though he largely agreed with the counselor, he was just not WILLING to change.

Well, it wasn't the answer I was hoping for, but as least it was an answer. I (eventually) divorced him with a clear conscience.

Hopefully, your story will end more happily. But, either way, self-examination, a sincere conversation with your dh, and counseling are in order.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think many previous posters have been so harsh because they've never lived with someone truly deceptive. I grew up with a dad who is that way and saw the effect it had on my mom. My heart goes out to you, it's such a hard way to live. My advice is to get a divorce. I can promise you he will never change. And the more you try to get him to change the more heartbreak you will cause for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He lies to me or omits information to avoid my getting irritated or annoyed about things, or to avoid having to ask me if I agree to something (e.g., things related to our children that both parents should decide). I'm pretty sure he may even lie to me or obviously hide things from me in front of his family. I find myself disgusted with this behavior and thinking less of him--thinking that he is a coward. And I feel like his family will have zero respect for me-- why should they when they can see that he keeps things from me? Am I justified? Anyone else go through this and is it possible to salvage this relationship?

I acted this way in a previous relationship (I was the male fiance), but was absolutely miserable, and finally stopped being afraid of her and stood up. Pretty much within a couple of weeks of growing a pair and telling her (and her family who told her what to do every step of the way, and expected to rule how we lived our lives) to shove it, the whole shebang blew up. I kicked her out (it was my house) and have never looked back. I immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATELY, felt better than I'd felt in years. Thank god we didn't have children.

[Anonymous]

walking on egg shells only it's the woman doing the deed.

learn to respect each other. you are husband and wife NOT mother and father to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, the lying isn't really the disease. It's a symptom of what's wrong with your marriage.

When women say its about lying, it's really about control.

[Anonymous]

OP, i really feel bad for you. I am in the same boat. And although, some of the nastier posters are somewhat right in certain point IT DOES NOT JUSTIFY LYING! Liars of all kinds (no matter the reason) are cowards. We lie because we are afraid. When grown men lie, they act cowardly. This is the difference between a child and an adult. An adult should be able to handle the truth and consequences to mistakes. For those who are embezzling money, hiding places they went etc. Why blame the other partner? Blame themselves for not being honest and putting their foot down or negotiating it out with their partners. Lying is like cheating. Its an easy way out. An easy way to get what you want w/o wing honest to their partner. Now, I do agree there were other issues there BEFORE lying started probably. THose were not addressed, and now he has resorted to lying.

Unfortunatley, I think its time for you to leave. Lying is again like cheating. No matter how much therapy, whatever happens now, you will never 100% trust him. Without trust, there is not backbone in the relationship. You will never get over this completley. Even if he does "change", i fear the lying will happen again at some point. He is a coward. THere will be another time in the future where he wont want to face the truth and he will lie again. Move on and find someone stronger. Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been in your place.

I think previous posters (even the mean ones) have brought up some important points. Even if you are "blameless" (by this I mean behaving ethically toward him, in good faith), your actions and responses influence his behavior. Something you are doing/saying, or NOT doing/saying may be telling him that lying to you is a better idea than telling the truth.

In my case, dh had decided (in his own mind) that he didn't want to be a husband and father anymore. He started acting more and more like a bachelor-- less parenting, less housework, spending more and more money (secretly) on himself. He had never been a very good husband or dad in the first place, and I knew from experience that he reacted poorly to "being told what to do."

I was afraid to confront him, because he took ANY criticism-- even completely valid and gently delivered-- as an attack. I had learned that he would become angry at ME, but wouldn't change the behavior. So, at first I let him slide, and picked up the slack myself. Apparently, this made him feel like he'd hit the jackpot, and he started acting even more like a frat boy.

Then I got exhausted and frustrated, and let snark and sarcasm slip into my responses to him. Bad idea. Now he had "evidence" that I was a "nagging bitch," and felt justified in his actions. Things got worse.

I thought hard about saving my marriage, and decided to really try. I started speaking the truth to dh again, instead of avoiding or snarking. It didn't change his actions, but at least I felt like I was being honest and engaged in our marriage. I told him I'd leave him if we didn't try counseling. We did, for a year.

Counseling was really useful. I learned which of MY behaviors had been counterproductive, and enabled dh to act like a jerk. I got advice on better ways to act, and better ways to deal with dh's choices. It was affirming (but depressing) to hear that the counselor thought I had been doing my best, and that dh was the one who needed to really work on himself.

Dh, unfortunately, refused to make any of the changes the counselor suggested. He admitted, honestly, that even though he largely agreed with the counselor, he was just not WILLING to change.

Well, it wasn't the answer I was hoping for, but as least it was an answer. I (eventually) divorced him with a clear conscience.

Hopefully, your story will end more happily. But, either way, self-examination, a sincere conversation with your dh, and counseling are in order.

And yet you married him in the first place. Why did you do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move on and find someone stronger. Good luck

She can't do any better.

[Anonymous]

"And yet you married him in the first place. Why did you do that? "

You wouldn't lend her your crystal ball. Unintended consequences.

[Anonymous]

Man here. I can see that situatino -- I have done something similar. I don't lie, but I may not provide all the details. DW will hen-peck about how DD isn't in 10 layers of clothing before going for a trip from our car to the store entrance (30 feet) and worries she'll catch cold. Stuff like that. So I learned to just not mention certain things that happened during the course of our outings that she'd consider "risky".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"And yet you married him in the first place. Why did you do that? "

You wouldn't lend her your crystal ball. Unintended consequences.

Thanks, 2nd PP.

We were 22 years old when we married. I didn't realize that he would get tired of "playing house," and just stop playing. He apparently didn't realize that having children meant he'd have to share his time, his money, and my attention.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a lot of jumping to conclusions here lol. OP hasn't given us enough information regarding what she may or may not be doing to push her husband to be less than honest with her.

Let me say this, there is a clear communication problem here, even if its just one-sided. Also, there seems to be a problem with trust. You can't trust your husband to tell you the truth and he won't tell you the truth because he thinks he can't trust your response. This is definitely a cause for concern.

Have you guys ever tried marriage counseling? Did you do any kind of pre-marriage counseling? We all bring unique behaviors and attitudes into our relationships that are less than ideal. I would say most people don't have the ability to see their own issues and work to fix them. If our spouse sees a problem and points it out, we're quick to get defensive. I think these dynamics are precisely why counseling is important and can be life-changing to a relationship.

If you'd be interested in counseling but don't know where to start, I would recommend an organization like Focus on the Family. They have free counseling services available by phone or through their website - http://bit.ly/1DiYyPl. I hope that helps. Hang in there!

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