Settle a debate. Which is worse: emotional or physical affair?

[Anonymous]

DW here. I would be more upset if DH had an EA than a one night stand type of thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say for sure since I've never dealt with the emotional affair side, but I think a physical affair would be harder to get over. You can only control your feelings so much, and I understand how you can slide into an emotional affair without making the conscious decision to do so. With a physical affair, my husband would have made the affirmative choice to have sex with another woman, which would feel like so much more of a violation of me and our marriage.

+1. How does one define an emotional affair? I have a work crush and I know it's mutual, but if we flirt every month or so, are we having a mini emotional affair? We really can't help the attraction and neither of us set out to find a crush. I would never let it become physical. I can't wrap my head around people who would prefer a physical affair. Btw, unless you are doing something shady, you can have an emotional affair with no lying.

An emotional affair is you texting her instead of your partner about your fears/emotions/ambitions, etc. You talking to that person about your partner badly. You lusting over them. You spending nights "working till 3 am" and "grabbing burgers" with your "work friend" while your wife and child wait for you home. You wouldn't do these things with a same sex friend, all of a sudden you're doing them with someone you have sexual feelings for. Just because you "Didn't bump uglies" doesn't mean this isn't going to break your partner who stupidly gets kissed good bye and told I love you on the way to work while you go lust over someone else. Speaking from experience here.

Thank you for sharing. I guess it's a tough call for me, but still would prefer the above vs my dh having sex with another woman and lying about where he was. I'm not minimizing what you went through, but if he was honest about where he was and never became physical with her, it seems like it's possible to overcome in therapy.

You are very naive. I hope you never have to have a crash course in what an EA means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say for sure since I've never dealt with the emotional affair side, but I think a physical affair would be harder to get over. You can only control your feelings so much, and I understand how you can slide into an emotional affair without making the conscious decision to do so. With a physical affair, my husband would have made the affirmative choice to have sex with another woman, which would feel like so much more of a violation of me and our marriage.

+1. How does one define an emotional affair? I have a work crush and I know it's mutual, but if we flirt every month or so, are we having a mini emotional affair? We really can't help the attraction and neither of us set out to find a crush. I would never let it become physical. I can't wrap my head around people who would prefer a physical affair. Btw, unless you are doing something shady, you can have an emotional affair with no lying.

An emotional affair is you texting her instead of your partner about your fears/emotions/ambitions, etc. You talking to that person about your partner badly. You lusting over them. You spending nights "working till 3 am" and "grabbing burgers" with your "work friend" while your wife and child wait for you home. You wouldn't do these things with a same sex friend, all of a sudden you're doing them with someone you have sexual feelings for. Just because you "Didn't bump uglies" doesn't mean this isn't going to break your partner who stupidly gets kissed good bye and told I love you on the way to work while you go lust over someone else. Speaking from experience here.

Thank you for sharing. I guess it's a tough call for me, but still would prefer the above vs my dh having sex with another woman and lying about where he was. I'm not minimizing what you went through, but if he was honest about where he was and never became physical with her, it seems like it's possible to overcome in therapy.

You are very naive. I hope you never have to have a crash course in what an EA means.

Yes, me too! It seems like one major difference here is the duration of time. Maybe a pa lasts 2 months vs an ea that lasts 1 year. I can see that contributing to those who state that an ea is worse. Listen, for some people neither one is something that they would ever forgive. In my mind, being naked and touching another naked body would be an image that I couldn't get past. Texting and alone time with another would be difficult but I think I would give it a shot in therapy.

[Anonymous]

DH here.

I imagine a one-night-stand PA could be easier to get over than a LT PA, but still, I couldn't get over either. If what I've read of an EA means it's a close opposite sex friendship with a crush attached, I think it's far less than either type of PA.

[Anonymous]

An EA is not a crush. I have a married man who happens to be a good friend and work colleague trying to have an EA with me. His wife would be devestated if she heard what he says to me. I have no doubt that if I encouraged him the EA would turn into a PA in no time at all.

He's clearly enamored with me and has actively compared me to his wife and she doesn't come out looking so good (in his eyes because I'm sure there are two sides). I would not be suprised if he thinks in his head he's in love with me.

Being on this side of it, I would be crushed if my DH was trying to bond with another person on that intimate of a level.

[Anonymous]

Think of it this way:

When you uncover an EA, you find flirtatious texts or even simply benign texts (but a multitude of them).

When you uncover a PA, you find sexting, pics, hotel charges, etc. And you have to schedule a doctors appointment to get tested for stds.

So which seems worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think of it this way:

When you uncover an EA, you find flirtatious texts or even simply benign texts (but a multitude of them).

When you uncover a PA, you find sexting, pics, hotel charges, etc. And you have to schedule a doctors appointment to get tested for stds.

So which seems worse?

I think the PA seems worse.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, pp.

[Anonymous]

PS - EA is merely a term coined by cheaters whose spouses don't have concrete evidence of a PA...but the reality is that the cheaters who claim it was only an EA are liars...they totally hooked up.

[Anonymous]

Emotional affairs are nothing-burgers. Bumping uglies, that's unforgivable.

[Anonymous]

As someone who is in an open marriage of 20years and who navigates these waters IRL, I can promise you that a strong emotional connection is much more threatening than a physical one. An EA is not simply flirty texts. An EA moves to the physical and once those twords come together and if you are in a monogamous relationship, you are done.

[Anonymous]

Physical sounds worse to me (I'm female). An "emotional affair" could be an honest mistake because it's hard to say where a friendship ends and an "emotional affair" begins. With sex, there is a pretty clear line that someone chooses to cross.

[Anonymous]

Precisely pp. That's why EA isn't a real thing...because it ultimately becomes physical...but folks lie about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For men, physical because it puts into question bedroom performance and penis size. For women, emotional because they fear a DH falling in love with someone else.

Really? If a woman cheats on a man he questions his penis size?

Man here. It has nothing to do with penis size. There's someone who trolls DCUM that's obsessed with penis size. Women, correct me if I'm wrong, but how many of you have or would have an extra- marital affair simply due to penis size? Men, how many of you assume women have affairs because of penis size?

On thread: to me, an emotional affair would be harder, but either would suck. Emotional affairs consume the APs 24/7 and are, IMO, harder to resolve and step away from.

Woman here agreeing with you. The troll is ridiculous, and just stupid in this case. The only way a woman would ever find out a lover's penis size is because he had already gotten naked with him - the choice to cheat/have an affair must necessarily predate finding out about the penis size/how good he is in bed. The only possible way the troll's scenario could be true is if the woman chooses to have an affair with someone she'd already been intimate with in the past, and thus knew their size and performance.

Yeah, cause no woman has ever cheated on her husband with a past lover. And no one has ever exchanged racy pictures where penis size is obvious before having an affair. You're right, penis size has nothing to do with anything, ever.

[Anonymous]

Penis size doesn't matter in DCUMLandia...money and power matter.