Settle a debate. Which is worse: emotional or physical affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For men, physical because it puts into question bedroom performance and penis size. For women, emotional because they fear a DH falling in love with someone else.

Really? If a woman cheats on a man he questions his penis size?

No, he kicks her out of the home and takes the kids.

[Anonymous]

Woman here.
I think I could handle finding out about a physical affair.
Knowing he shared his heart, hiding /lying about his true feelings, etcl from me... Hell no. An emotional affair would be the one for ME that would be tough to swallow. I

[Anonymous]

Physical of course.

[Anonymous]

Um, you do realize that physical affairs tend to be emotional as well, right? And the cheating spouse merely uses the "it was just sex" excuse to make it seem less shitty. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, you do realize that physical affairs tend to be emotional as well, right? And the cheating spouse merely uses the "it was just sex" excuse to make it seem less shitty. Duh.

Agree to a certain extent. If it has progressed to the point of an "affair", meaning regular contact, there is probably some emotional element involved even in an FWB situation. Let's not confuse one night stands with affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't say for sure since I've never dealt with the emotional affair side, but I think a physical affair would be harder to get over. You can only control your feelings so much, and I understand how you can slide into an emotional affair without making the conscious decision to do so. With a physical affair, my husband would have made the affirmative choice to have sex with another woman, which would feel like so much more of a violation of me and our marriage.

+1. How does one define an emotional affair? I have a work crush and I know it's mutual, but if we flirt every month or so, are we having a mini emotional affair? We really can't help the attraction and neither of us set out to find a crush. I would never let it become physical. I can't wrap my head around people who would prefer a physical affair. Btw, unless you are doing something shady, you can have an emotional affair with no lying.

[Anonymous]

Emotional. Hands down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say for sure since I've never dealt with the emotional affair side, but I think a physical affair would be harder to get over. You can only control your feelings so much, and I understand how you can slide into an emotional affair without making the conscious decision to do so. With a physical affair, my husband would have made the affirmative choice to have sex with another woman, which would feel like so much more of a violation of me and our marriage.

+1. How does one define an emotional affair? I have a work crush and I know it's mutual, but if we flirt every month or so, are we having a mini emotional affair? We really can't help the attraction and neither of us set out to find a crush. I would never let it become physical. I can't wrap my head around people who would prefer a physical affair. Btw, unless you are doing something shady, you can have an emotional affair with no lying.

An emotional affair is you texting her instead of your partner about your fears/emotions/ambitions, etc. You talking to that person about your partner badly. You lusting over them. You spending nights "working till 3 am" and "grabbing burgers" with your "work friend" while your wife and child wait for you home. You wouldn't do these things with a same sex friend, all of a sudden you're doing them with someone you have sexual feelings for. Just because you "Didn't bump uglies" doesn't mean this isn't going to break your partner who stupidly gets kissed good bye and told I love you on the way to work while you go lust over someone else. Speaking from experience here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say for sure since I've never dealt with the emotional affair side, but I think a physical affair would be harder to get over. You can only control your feelings so much, and I understand how you can slide into an emotional affair without making the conscious decision to do so. With a physical affair, my husband would have made the affirmative choice to have sex with another woman, which would feel like so much more of a violation of me and our marriage.

+1. How does one define an emotional affair? I have a work crush and I know it's mutual, but if we flirt every month or so, are we having a mini emotional affair? We really can't help the attraction and neither of us set out to find a crush. I would never let it become physical. I can't wrap my head around people who would prefer a physical affair. Btw, unless you are doing something shady, you can have an emotional affair with no lying.

An emotional affair is you texting her instead of your partner about your fears/emotions/ambitions, etc. You talking to that person about your partner badly. You lusting over them. You spending nights "working till 3 am" and "grabbing burgers" with your "work friend" while your wife and child wait for you home. You wouldn't do these things with a same sex friend, all of a sudden you're doing them with someone you have sexual feelings for. Just because you "Didn't bump uglies" doesn't mean this isn't going to break your partner who stupidly gets kissed good bye and told I love you on the way to work while you go lust over someone else. Speaking from experience here.

Thank you for sharing. I guess it's a tough call for me, but still would prefer the above vs my dh having sex with another woman and lying about where he was. I'm not minimizing what you went through, but if he was honest about where he was and never became physical with her, it seems like it's possible to overcome in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't say for sure since I've never dealt with the emotional affair side, but I think a physical affair would be harder to get over. You can only control your feelings so much, and I understand how you can slide into an emotional affair without making the conscious decision to do so. With a physical affair, my husband would have made the affirmative choice to have sex with another woman, which would feel like so much more of a violation of me and our marriage.

+1. How does one define an emotional affair? I have a work crush and I know it's mutual, but if we flirt every month or so, are we having a mini emotional affair? We really can't help the attraction and neither of us set out to find a crush. I would never let it become physical. I can't wrap my head around people who would prefer a physical affair. Btw, unless you are doing something shady, you can have an emotional affair with no lying.

An emotional affair is you texting her instead of your partner about your fears/emotions/ambitions, etc. You talking to that person about your partner badly. You lusting over them. You spending nights "working till 3 am" and "grabbing burgers" with your "work friend" while your wife and child wait for you home. You wouldn't do these things with a same sex friend, all of a sudden you're doing them with someone you have sexual feelings for. Just because you "Didn't bump uglies" doesn't mean this isn't going to break your partner who stupidly gets kissed good bye and told I love you on the way to work while you go lust over someone else. Speaking from experience here.

Man. Agree, and BTDT. I would add the litmus test: if you can't / won't tell your spouse, it might be a problem. To me, it's the development of a "secret relationship", physical or not, that defines an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't give a damn if my DH is having physical affairs. This sort of experience means only slightly more than masturbation, and I don't get upset over that. However, I expect him to respect me enough to leave no tracks.

Do you have sex with your husband? Or are you a person that just isn't phazed by him having sex with others no matter the circumstances at home? If the latter, did you guys talk about that and agree before getting married?

I do, of course. We didn't discuss it explicitly, I just told him if he goes out and fucks someone for kicks, I expect him to have enough brains to make sure it's kept away from me. To me, these experiences are, as I said, only slightly above masturbation. They have nothing to do with our home life, children, social fabric, joint finances etc. It simply has nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Physical affair. I think with emotions, there are things DH may keep to himself. I know there are things I talk about with my female friends or when I'm frustrated may post on DCUM a to get opionons from an anonymous forum. With emotions you may not be able to be all things to one person however with the physical I do have the expectation of being the only one he turns to. The physical enhances the emotional connection and there is this feeling of trust. If he is has a physical affair with someone else, that would kill the trust and emotional connection for me.

I will add though that I think if a guy is having an emotional affair it is a matter of time before it turns physical. I would have something to say about an emtional affair as a sign that we are going down a road that isn't a good one for the sake of our marriage.

[Anonymous]

I have a work crush too. It will never become physical. We get lunch or coffee or a drink after work about once a week and don't mention it to our spouses. We rarely even talk about our spouses so it's not like we complain about them. I would never have characterized this as an emotional affair but due to the flirting and secrecy would it be considered one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a work crush too. It will never become physical. We get lunch or coffee or a drink after work about once a week and don't mention it to our spouses. We rarely even talk about our spouses so it's not like we complain about them. I would never have characterized this as an emotional affair but due to the flirting and secrecy would it be considered one?

Maybe not an emotional affair yet, but seems like it may be headed there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For men, physical because it puts into question bedroom performance and penis size. For women, emotional because they fear a DH falling in love with someone else.

Really? If a woman cheats on a man he questions his penis size?

Man here. It has nothing to do with penis size. There's someone who trolls DCUM that's obsessed with penis size. Women, correct me if I'm wrong, but how many of you have or would have an extra- marital affair simply due to penis size? Men, how many of you assume women have affairs because of penis size?

On thread: to me, an emotional affair would be harder, but either would suck. Emotional affairs consume the APs 24/7 and are, IMO, harder to resolve and step away from.

Woman here agreeing with you. The troll is ridiculous, and just stupid in this case. The only way a woman would ever find out a lover's penis size is because he had already gotten naked with him - the choice to cheat/have an affair must necessarily predate finding out about the penis size/how good he is in bed. The only possible way the troll's scenario could be true is if the woman chooses to have an affair with someone she'd already been intimate with in the past, and thus knew their size and performance.