MIL tells my kids that instead of gifts she will donate to her chairty of choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope you tell her you are doing the same!

Perfect.

I LOVE THIS!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are in elementary school and middle school. Do they need to write thank you notes?

No thank you notes.
Glad she told the kids herself. Hope they asked questions.
Hope she treats any and all grandchildren the same each year, and that she enjoys her tax shield!

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I'm sorry for the way that was handled. My MIL told DD that she had been setting money aside for her for when she's older, but decided to send it to a refugee girl in Africa instead because "I knew you wouldn't mind."

That money will mean more to that child's life than to my daughter's I'm sure...but why not just say "let's do something to help a girl have opportunities" or "I donated money ..".

DD didn't even know about the money Grandma was saving and then changed her mind about, so why tell her?! It just left her feeling confused, hurt, and then guilty for feeling that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I'm sorry for the way that was handled. My MIL told DD that she had been setting money aside for her for when she's older, but decided to send it to a refugee girl in Africa instead because "I knew you wouldn't mind."

That money will mean more to that child's life than to my daughter's I'm sure...but why not just say "let's do something to help a girl have opportunities" or "I donated money ..".

DD didn't even know about the money Grandma was saving and then changed her mind about, so why tell her?! It just left her feeling confused, hurt, and then guilty for feeling that way.

To this point, it could have been done so much better. If you do World Vision, you get to pick the child you are helping. PP's MIL could have sat down with PP's DD and got on the computer and picked a child that resonates with DD…usually because the child has the same birth date (same day and year), or birthday (same day, different year), or same first name. Or lives in a country that DD might have been studying.

We did this with our kids and they really got into it and they and their sponsored children wrote letters to each other, and (letters) we sent them pictures and stickers and book marks. Their letters to us came with translations. I pay the monthly donation and our kids have voluntarily saved a portion of their allowance as extra for their sponsored kids. Thanks to this, my older child researched Brazil and wants to go when when she gets older, and my younger child has researched and wants to go to India. It's great for the sponsored kids who get help and get a pen pal who is truly interested in their well-being, and great for our kids, who have learned to be charitable and have their horizons opened to the larger world.

Is it possible to talk to MIL about taking this approach? (or have your DH talk to her?) Seems a shame that if she's going to do it, that your kids get nothing out of it. I'm telling you, when your kids see these pictures of kids with nothing--and see them as a real individual person, not just a concept, they will likely be happy to give up a present to help the kid out.

[Anonymous]

In normal gift-giving situations, do kids write thank you notes to their own grandparents? How weirdly formal

[Anonymous]

Maybe Grandma is a grinch but let me ask a different question and try to presume a less unkind intent on her part. Does grandma have multiple grandkids and family members to buy for? Is there reason to think that her financial situation this year is a particularly difficult one? If so, is it possible that via one $20 donation to a charity she can tell everyone she made a charitable donation in their name (i.e. In Honor of The Smith Family)? Much more financially doable than $20 gifts to twenty different people.

[Anonymous]

What's the charity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It would be nice if your kids could choose the charity.

I agree, it is really tacky to say that as her gift to them she's going to give to an organization of her choosing. Why not pick something (e.g., wildlife conservation, education) that the kids are at least somewhat interested in?

The zoo has an adopt an animal program that is great. They send the kids a certificate and photo (stuffed animal if you 'donate' extra). Comes in a box that reminds me of the book 'I wrote to the zoo to send me a pet ...."

[Anonymous]

I question if grandma will actually even donate. Sounds like a ruse to cover up the fact that she doesn't want to spend money (or can't). Do you think she might be doing badly financially? And how is she doing physically? Maybe going out shopping is too daunting. What does your husband the about all this? And agree that you should respond in kind. No gift for grandma. But let HER choose the charity to model how she should have handled this. Tell her that her idea was a lovely one so you decided to do it too.

[Anonymous]

No thank you notes needed.

[Anonymous]

PP here- I would let the kids make something for grandma but no need for an expensive gift. If you aren't going to see her over Christmas then I would just have them say Merry Christmas on the phone and not make her anything.

I do agree with the PP. It sounds like she is having financial troubles or anxiety about stores or something like that. I highly doubt she will donate anything. Try to have DH ask some questions.

[Anonymous]

If she does this for everyone it's all good. No thank you notes (what for???) but do explain to your kids and do try to make them understand and not be grumpy - Christmas IS the season of giving and giving to the less fortunate is actually more in the spirit of Christmas than buying your kids gifts they don't really need.
If she does this to your family but DH has a sibling with a family and kids and THOSE grandkids get presents...THAN I'd have a serious talk...

[Anonymous]

I'm still with the PP who wants to give her the finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I question if grandma will actually even donate. Sounds like a ruse to cover up the fact that she doesn't want to spend money (or can't). Do you think she might be doing badly financially? And how is she doing physically? Maybe going out shopping is too daunting. What does your husband the about all this? And agree that you should respond in kind. No gift for grandma. But let HER choose the charity to model how she should have handled this. Tell her that her idea was a lovely one so you decided to do it too.

She is very frugal (and makes many comments about how many of this and that we have). I don't think she is having financial problems. We would certainly hear about that as she talks about her will frequently. DH was demoted amongst his siblings last time we saw her. We don't want or expect anything from her (or her estate).

DH will buy her a nice gift. Likely she will suggest something to him. The irony escapes him, he is a good son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is great! Not all people need or want or want to endorse more consumption. And seeing kids (or parents) greedy for presents is not a legacy anyone wants to have. We are BARELY middle class, but our needs are met and my kids know it. They are 9 and 11 and they would be really happy to get this for a gift. I admit that they are both weirdly interested in social issues and that may not be a reasonable thing for typical kids at that age. Any chance you could convince her to let the kids help choose?

(I should add that my gut feeling is that if she doesn't allow them input then she is just doing this to satisfy her own ego, and that is an ugly thing. All bets are off with how I would couch it with my own kids in that situation.)

I do not agree that this is great. I grew up in a family where we do not do Christmas gifts (we do celebrate Christmas, part of my family is Christian and very religious, we always had the big family meal, decorated tree and so on, but no gifts), we had one birthday gift only until young (10-11? I do not even remember), otherwise a family celebration with cake. I do not buy Christmas gifts for my kids (5 and 9), my husband does and I had to fight to pair the number down to 1 per kid (no gift was just impossible for him). I asked my parents not to give them anything as gifts and finally persuaded the IL to send clothing or books (no gifts would have been impossible for them too). I have many friends and we do not exchange gifts for Christmas or birthdays. I say this just to show that certainly I am not in the category of the people greedy for presents. still, I find people who tell others "as a gift for you I made a donation to a charity" really rude and fake (except the case in which a person expressly asks for a donation to a charity obviously). These people simply found a way to kill two birds with one stone, with the same money donate to the charity they support and make you feel they made you a gift (actually three birds, since they even get the tax deduction for the donation - they would not get it for a gift of course). who would be so mean to complain that he/she did not get a gift when the money went to all those starving children in Africa.

you do not owe me a gift, ever. not for my birthday, not for Christmas nor for any other celebration. if you do give me a gift, I will appreciate it a lot and thank you for it. if you don't, that's perfectly ok because I do not feel you had to give me anything. if you donate to a charity for a cause you support, I admire you for supporting a cause you believe in with our own money. but please don't tell me the donation was my gift. it was not. it was your money and your choice (I may even find that your charity supports a cause that I find offensive and that totally goes against my beliefs). if grandma I OP's post does not want to give gifts to the kids, she should simply state so. her donation has nothing to do with the kids, it's her donation. if she wants to teach the kids to get engaged and donate, she could give them money, and show how she is involved with the charity and how she donates her money, encouraging them to donate even a small amount.

This.

+2. A friend of my parents once gave my DD a gift of a donation to THEIR church which is in another state entirely from where we live. They absolutely didn't have to give DD anything but I would have much preferred that they didn't give her anything. It seemed so selfish to give her a "gift" that benefited themselves as if they were doing something nice for her. At least donate to OUR place of worship instead of their own. Then it would be a gift.