MIL tells my kids that instead of gifts she will donate to her chairty of choice

[Anonymous]

It would be nice if your kids could choose the charity.

[Anonymous]

OP, do your kids lack toys and games? If not, then let it go. I for one actually prefer doing smth meaningful on holidays than getting yet another car or board game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice if your kids could choose the charity.

this is the right way to do it.

[Anonymous]

It would be nice if your kids could choose the charity.

I agree, it is really tacky to say that as her gift to them she's going to give to an organization of her choosing. Why not pick something (e.g., wildlife conservation, education) that the kids are at least somewhat interested in?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am not getting in the middle between grandma and her grandkids. But i am disappointed that she didn't let them pick the charity.

[Anonymous]

Did she do it in her name or the kids name? The charity can write the thank you note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is great! Not all people need or want or want to endorse more consumption. And seeing kids (or parents) greedy for presents is not a legacy anyone wants to have. We are BARELY middle class, but our needs are met and my kids know it. They are 9 and 11 and they would be really happy to get this for a gift. I admit that they are both weirdly interested in social issues and that may not be a reasonable thing for typical kids at that age. Any chance you could convince her to let the kids help choose?

(I should add that my gut feeling is that if she doesn't allow them input then she is just doing this to satisfy her own ego, and that is an ugly thing. All bets are off with how I would couch it with my own kids in that situation.)

I do not agree that this is great. I grew up in a family where we do not do Christmas gifts (we do celebrate Christmas, part of my family is Christian and very religious, we always had the big family meal, decorated tree and so on, but no gifts), we had one birthday gift only until young (10-11? I do not even remember), otherwise a family celebration with cake. I do not buy Christmas gifts for my kids (5 and 9), my husband does and I had to fight to pair the number down to 1 per kid (no gift was just impossible for him). I asked my parents not to give them anything as gifts and finally persuaded the IL to send clothing or books (no gifts would have been impossible for them too). I have many friends and we do not exchange gifts for Christmas or birthdays. I say this just to show that certainly I am not in the category of the people greedy for presents. still, I find people who tell others "as a gift for you I made a donation to a charity" really rude and fake (except the case in which a person expressly asks for a donation to a charity obviously). These people simply found a way to kill two birds with one stone, with the same money donate to the charity they support and make you feel they made you a gift (actually three birds, since they even get the tax deduction for the donation - they would not get it for a gift of course). who would be so mean to complain that he/she did not get a gift when the money went to all those starving children in Africa.

you do not owe me a gift, ever. not for my birthday, not for Christmas nor for any other celebration. if you do give me a gift, I will appreciate it a lot and thank you for it. if you don't, that's perfectly ok because I do not feel you had to give me anything. if you donate to a charity for a cause you support, I admire you for supporting a cause you believe in with our own money. but please don't tell me the donation was my gift. it was not. it was your money and your choice (I may even find that your charity supports a cause that I find offensive and that totally goes against my beliefs). if grandma I OP's post does not want to give gifts to the kids, she should simply state so. her donation has nothing to do with the kids, it's her donation. if she wants to teach the kids to get engaged and donate, she could give them money, and show how she is involved with the charity and how she donates her money, encouraging them to donate even a small amount.

[Anonymous]

Well grandma is really well off so I suggest we keep the peace and write a thank you card.

Plus we don't need anymore plastic crap!

[Anonymous]

I wish my ILs thought that way, but I agree, that kids should get to pick the charity. Obviously she thinks you guys have enough stuff. Maybe she'll surprise you and it will be a charity your kids would like. But if she was giving gifts in the past, it does sort of seem like a snub.

[Anonymous]

If the kids had chosen the charity, or if it was one for which the kids had some connection/interest, I would say this is actually a very lovely gift. In that case, I would instruct the kids on how to write an appropriate thank you note.

If MIL's charity of choice is something you and your spouse approve of or at least do not actively disapprove of, I would find the gift strange but still have the kids write thank you notes at least for the thought behind the gesture.

If MIL's charity of choice is objectionable to you, I would write one note from the family thanking MIL for thinking of us during the holiday season but without mentioning the charity donation. I could not thank her for doing something in my children's names that I specifically disapproved of and would have preferred not be done on our behalf (or at all).

[Anonymous]

I too think the kids should have been able to choose the charity. Otherwise, this seems like a stupid "gift".

[Anonymous]

To answer the original q, do your kids routinely write thank you notes to family members for Xmas gifts? Mine do not. If they are not writing notes to other family than no need here. Maybe encourage them to call Grandma and ask questions about the Human Fund or whatever the charity just so they take an interest. (Bonus points if you can cite the pop culture reference)!!

[Anonymous]

This is a ridiculous social trend.

Give to charity. Great. Wonderful thing.

Give me a gift or not. Fine

Don't pretend that a donation to a charity of your choice from you for which YOU get a tax deduction is a gift to me. Just don't. It's not. You aren't kidding anyone.

[Anonymous]

It's not a gift if the kids can't even pick a charity.

Hopefully it's not some oblique criticism of you/the "stuff" she thinks you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a ridiculous social trend.

Give to charity. Great. Wonderful thing.

Give me a gift or not. Fine

Don't pretend that a donation to a charity of your choice from you for which YOU get a tax deduction is a gift to me. Just don't. It's not. You aren't kidding anyone.

This. It's not a gift to the grandkids. I agree that if she told the kids that their gift was a donation to a charity that they chose, that would be different. But when she chooses the organization? Not a gift to the kids of any kind. Don't pretend that it is.