Annoyed that our family is expected to change to accommodate my cousin's wife's rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a SIL like this, and expects our entire family to accommodate her. I am so tempted sometimes to purposely do the opposite.

Oh, I do too, and 12 years into our marriage, it still annoys me! Betting that she is your DH's youngest sister, right? (Only youngest children get away with behavior like this, because their family coddled them when they were growing up. And even now of course, DH and the others still don't see how they are the enablers.)

Actually, my oldest sister is like this. I think it's because she was the center of my parents' universe until my other sister came along eight years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a SIL like this, and expects our entire family to accommodate her. I am so tempted sometimes to purposely do the opposite.

Oh, I do too, and 12 years into our marriage, it still annoys me! Betting that she is your DH's youngest sister, right? (Only youngest children get away with behavior like this, because their family coddled them when they were growing up. And even now of course, DH and the others still don't see how they are the enablers.)

Actually, my oldest sister is like this. I think it's because she was the center of my parents' universe until my other sister came along eight years later.

Your generalization is off. In our family it's the opposite. I am the youngest and was always expected to follow every one else's instructions and choices. My brother was the number one son and was spoiled as the "family heir" and he was usually pandered to in most things . My sister is the middle child but as the only girl and Daddy's little girl she was always deferred to. Although as the baby I was given gifts and things, I never got to pick or set rules or request rules etc but was always expected to just go along with everyone else's wishes because I was youngest. Far from being defered to, I was expected to defer to everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We don't spend every Christmas morning with them, it just worked out that way this year.

You go ahead and get yours and their kids the loudest, most electric, glittery shit you can buy. Pour yourself a mimosa Xmas morning, sit back and enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Depends. Are you open to the possibility of never spending Xmas with them again? Because that may be the outcome of letting her shove it. Note, I am noto saying her request is reasonable, because it's clearly not. However, you need to weigh if and how much you're willing to budge (or create an impression of budging) vs possibility of a family feud involving you not being invited or some shit like that. Everybody's breaking point is different. I would give "objectionable" gifts to my kids at home, but that's me. Then again, there were some requests from my SIL and MIL that pushed me over the edge and the less I see them the more happy I am for it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a SIL like this, and expects our entire family to accommodate her. I am so tempted sometimes to purposely do the opposite.

Oh, I do too, and 12 years into our marriage, it still annoys me! Betting that she is your DH's youngest sister, right? (Only youngest children get away with behavior like this, because their family coddled them when they were growing up. And even now of course, DH and the others still don't see how they are the enablers.)

Actually, my oldest sister is like this. I think it's because she was the center of my parents' universe until my other sister came along eight years later.

Your generalization is off. In our family it's the opposite. I am the youngest and was always expected to follow every one else's instructions and choices. My brother was the number one son and was spoiled as the "family heir" and he was usually pandered to in most things . My sister is the middle child but as the only girl and Daddy's little girl she was always deferred to. Although as the baby I was given gifts and things, I never got to pick or set rules or request rules etc but was always expected to just go along with everyone else's wishes because I was youngest. Far from being defered to, I was expected to defer to everyone else.

You must be Asian. Number One son is favored but is expected to care for the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait one minute ....are you saying she tells you what to get your own kids at Christmas because her kids will be there?

no way. You have won the award for craziest relative request ever . I'm stunned if that is what you were explaining

Yep, that's what I'm saying. She phrases it as "I don't want to be any trouble. Maybe you could give any gifts like that for her upcoming birthday instead of Christmas morning."

Just one I want to see these crazy relatives own up to it. None of this "I don't want to be any trouble" bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a SIL like this, and expects our entire family to accommodate her. I am so tempted sometimes to purposely do the opposite.

Oh, I do too, and 12 years into our marriage, it still annoys me! Betting that she is your DH's youngest sister, right? (Only youngest children get away with behavior like this, because their family coddled them when they were growing up. And even now of course, DH and the others still don't see how they are the enablers.)

Actually, my oldest sister is like this. I think it's because she was the center of my parents' universe until my other sister came along eight years later.

Your generalization is off. In our family it's the opposite. I am the youngest and was always expected to follow every one else's instructions and choices. My brother was the number one son and was spoiled as the "family heir" and he was usually pandered to in most things . My sister is the middle child but as the only girl and Daddy's little girl she was always deferred to. Although as the baby I was given gifts and things, I never got to pick or set rules or request rules etc but was always expected to just go along with everyone else's wishes because I was youngest. Far from being defered to, I was expected to defer to everyone else.

+10000

People like to "pick on" the youngest, but as the oldest, I can tell you, youngest generally are NOT spoiled. Nor are the oldest, for obvious reasons.

Middle children are constantly trying to get accolades and/or attention, so they act out the most. Ask any of your friends with more than three children in their family! The parents are constantly over compensating (favoring) the middle child, to show they are not forgotten.

Anyway, if it was a siblings spouse, I might have a short, pleasant, friendly chat with her. But your cousins spouse? Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a SIL like this, and expects our entire family to accommodate her. I am so tempted sometimes to purposely do the opposite.

Oh, I do too, and 12 years into our marriage, it still annoys me! Betting that she is your DH's youngest sister, right? (Only youngest children get away with behavior like this, because their family coddled them when they were growing up. And even now of course, DH and the others still don't see how they are the enablers.)

Actually, my oldest sister is like this. I think it's because she was the center of my parents' universe until my other sister came along eight years later.

Your generalization is off. In our family it's the opposite. I am the youngest and was always expected to follow every one else's instructions and choices. My brother was the number one son and was spoiled as the "family heir" and he was usually pandered to in most things . My sister is the middle child but as the only girl and Daddy's little girl she was always deferred to. Although as the baby I was given gifts and things, I never got to pick or set rules or request rules etc but was always expected to just go along with everyone else's wishes because I was youngest. Far from being defered to, I was expected to defer to everyone else.

+10000

People like to "pick on" the youngest, but as the oldest, I can tell you, youngest generally are NOT spoiled. Nor are the oldest, for obvious reasons.

Middle children are constantly trying to get accolades and/or attention, so they act out the most. Ask any of your friends with more than three children in their family! The parents are constantly over compensating (favoring) the middle child, to show they are not forgotten.

Anyway, if it was a siblings spouse, I might have a short, pleasant, friendly chat with her. But your cousins spouse? Let it go.

Look, all these generalizations are just that -- generalizations. DH is the middle and is was the most well behaved child on the planet -- his whole family agrees. Oldest is bossy and gets her way and youngest was the rebel. All different from above. It doesn't matter what order cousin's wife is. She is being ridiculous, and there is no need to accommodate her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends. Are you open to the possibility of never spending Xmas with them again? Because that may be the outcome of letting her shove it. Note, I am noto saying her request is reasonable, because it's clearly not. However, you need to weigh if and how much you're willing to budge (or create an impression of budging) vs possibility of a family feud involving you not being invited or some shit like that. Everybody's breaking point is different. I would give "objectionable" gifts to my kids at home, but that's me. Then again, there were some requests from my SIL and MIL that pushed me over the edge and the less I see them the more happy I am for it...

I am approaching 50 and have finally realized that giving in to people like this is a slippery slope that only gets you more unreasonable requests. I wish that I had been taught not to give the squeaky wheel the grease. In my family the more you give in to people like this, the more they take. I do not think you need to be passive aggressive and give princess dolls to piss her off or dress like a princess to irritate her. I do, however, strongly recommend that you go ahead and give your kids what you want to give them. Her choice is not to give such gifts to her children. That is her choice. My kids understand that Santa only brings gifts to you that our consistent with your family's values. It is why my daughter understands that she will never get a battery operated car that she can sit in and drive around. Mom and Dad don't want that kind of gift for her. This woman is the one who doesn't want her kid to have a princess Barbie doll. I get it, but that is for her to explain to her kid, not you. I would tell her that you will be getting your children presents that you and your husband believe are appropriate for your kids. She can deal with it however she wants. Trust me, the requests will only get worse and the longer you wait to speak up, the harder it will be.

Signed, I should have spoken up 25 years ago

[Anonymous]

OP, what have you decided to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait one minute ....are you saying she tells you what to get your own kids at Christmas because her kids will be there?

no way. You have won the award for craziest relative request ever . I'm stunned if that is what you were explaining

Yep, that's what I'm saying. She phrases it as "I don't want to be any trouble. Maybe you could give any gifts like that for her upcoming birthday instead of Christmas morning."

Give your kids what you want to. How sad for her children. She has to deal with the boundaries she has set for her children. I would try to give a gift she prefers for her children but not at an inconvenience to myself. Just give a gift receipt. Her expectations seem unreasonable and I think I would have to address that with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends. Are you open to the possibility of never spending Xmas with them again? Because that may be the outcome of letting her shove it. Note, I am noto saying her request is reasonable, because it's clearly not. However, you need to weigh if and how much you're willing to budge (or create an impression of budging) vs possibility of a family feud involving you not being invited or some shit like that. Everybody's breaking point is different. I would give "objectionable" gifts to my kids at home, but that's me. Then again, there were some requests from my SIL and MIL that pushed me over the edge and the less I see them the more happy I am for it...

I am approaching 50 and have finally realized that giving in to people like this is a slippery slope that only gets you more unreasonable requests. I wish that I had been taught not to give the squeaky wheel the grease. In my family the more you give in to people like this, the more they take. I do not think you need to be passive aggressive and give princess dolls to piss her off or dress like a princess to irritate her. I do, however, strongly recommend that you go ahead and give your kids what you want to give them. Her choice is not to give such gifts to her children. That is her choice. My kids understand that Santa only brings gifts to you that our consistent with your family's values. It is why my daughter understands that she will never get a battery operated car that she can sit in and drive around. Mom and Dad don't want that kind of gift for her. This woman is the one who doesn't want her kid to have a princess Barbie doll. I get it, but that is for her to explain to her kid, not you. I would tell her that you will be getting your children presents that you and your husband believe are appropriate for your kids. She can deal with it however she wants. Trust me, the requests will only get worse and the longer you wait to speak up, the harder it will be.

Signed, I should have spoken up 25 years ago

" giving in to people like this is a slippery slope that only gets you more unreasonable requests. " +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what have you decided to do?

OP here. Seems the toys that the kids want to ask Santa for are not on her forbidden list. (One is questionable.) I haven't replied to her email yet. Not sure if I will.