Am I Wrong for Making My Freshman Struggle

[Anonymous]

You are seriously being WAY too generous, OP. He IS the poor kid on campus. He needs to work, period. I worked 20-25 hours a week going to college away from home full time. Your son is lazy and entitled and needs to grow up.

Do not replace the iPhone; that's ridiculous. He can get a flip phone for free. Or, at worst, get a used iPhone 4 online for $50. Stop buying him things he can earn himself, like the laptop. He could have gotten a used older MacBook for $100-200, again, out of his own money.

I think it's crazy that you send him an allowance. With your low income, does he not qualify for a work-study job on campus?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a doormat. If he's hungry enough, he'll find a way to get food.

Please, all he has to do is find his way to one of the many dining halls on campus.

One of the reasons his biweekly allowance is so paltry is because he doesn't have to worry about paying rent or buying food. However, he can get haircuts, replenish toiletries, etc.

$150 a month is NOT paltry, OP!!! That's more than I budget myself for incidentals and entertainment, and I'm 43 and married. You are spoiling him, seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the "I have more than you, OP, but..." responses. OP wasn't trying to bankroll her son with $ she didn't have. She told her son to get a job but he was too immature and spoiled to listen. My sense is that at one point she could afford their lifestyle and he became spoiled. Now he's being forced to grow up and deal with life.

I said that because what came across to me is what OP is trying to give him all the material things everyone else has. The kid doesn't need an iPhone. He can get some other, cheaper phone. She's given up internet access at HER OWN HOME in order to send her son money? I am not one of those people who thinks they are no longer at all responsible for her children once they're 18, but my kids damn well better be working their asses off academically and being appreciative of and careful with, what they get. A high school ring? PLEASE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are too generous. I come from a wealthy family but had jobs all through college - DURING the school year. I am successful now in part because of this and plan to do the same to my well off kids.

I come from a middle class family and worked during school year for all my discretionary funds. OP , you've been generous enough.

[Anonymous]

OP- from your description your son isn't struggling. Not having a car or iPhone isn't a struggle. I went to school with mostly upper middle class kids like me. Our parents weren't struggling financially, but we still had summer jobs to pay for our "fun" money, ate plenty of ramen and mac & cheese, didn't have our own cars, etc. I'd be surprised if he really is that much "poorer" than many of the other kids in terms of how much actual spending money he has.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are at 250k HHI and dd knows she will no longer get allowance at college. She is expected to have a job, as we did. It's a good experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are seriously being WAY too generous, OP. He IS the poor kid on campus. He needs to work, period. I worked 20-25 hours a week going to college away from home full time. Your son is lazy and entitled and needs to grow up.

Do not replace the iPhone; that's ridiculous. He can get a flip phone for free. Or, at worst, get a used iPhone 4 online for $50. Stop buying him things he can earn himself, like the laptop. He could have gotten a used older MacBook for $100-200, again, out of his own money.

I think it's crazy that you send him an allowance. With your low income, does he not qualify for a work-study job on campus?

+1 I, too, worked about 20hrs/week as a Freshman through the work study program. I got better paying jobs after the first year. I worked and took classes during the summer, too. I didn't have money or time to party. My parents were middle/low income with one kid already in college. My life in college was work/study/work/study.... it was damn hard. But, I graduated with no debt. That (having no debt) is the best gift to myself and worth the 4 yrs of hell I went through. Just read all the posts here about how I make 375K/yr but still feel broke because of my student loans.

OP - you are waaay too generous. I see my single sister doing the same thing that you are doing with her college age kids, and it churns my stomach. I've said this before here on this forum, kids now a days have no grit, and that's partly the parents fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the "I have more than you, OP, but..." responses. OP wasn't trying to bankroll her son with $ she didn't have. She told her son to get a job but he was too immature and spoiled to listen. My sense is that at one point she could afford their lifestyle and he became spoiled. Now he's being forced to grow up and deal with life.

Because OP is living beyond her means and teaching her son to live beyond his. Or feels guilty about not being able to provide what she perceives other kids are getting. What others are telling her is that wealthier kids aren't getting all the stuff her kid is getting. The kid is manipulating her by saying he's the poor kid.

My kid (wealthy) gets $200/month for allowance. No car. 4 year old laptop. Didn't work last summer (needed surgery) but did the year before and will this summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the "I have more than you, OP, but..." responses. OP wasn't trying to bankroll her son with $ she didn't have. She told her son to get a job but he was too immature and spoiled to listen. My sense is that at one point she could afford their lifestyle and he became spoiled. Now he's being forced to grow up and deal with life.

Because OP is living beyond her means and teaching her son to live beyond his. Or feels guilty about not being able to provide what she perceives other kids are getting. What others are telling her is that wealthier kids aren't getting all the stuff her kid is getting. The kid is manipulating her by saying he's the poor kid.

My kid (wealthy) gets $200/month for allowance. No car. 4 year old laptop. Didn't work last summer (needed surgery) but did the year before and will this summer.

What I remember reading (and I may need to go back) is that she's not giving him much of anything these days and wonders if she's wrong. The money spent has been for books and a much needed laptop. Now that she can no longer afford other luxuries she's not trying to give them and expects him to do for self.

I suspect the class ring , iPhone and car were purchased when she had the money. Now there's no child support and she expects him to step up.

He got merit aid so I wonder if she's willing to give him allowance because he's studious or has obligations associated with his aid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he is immature and would make mistakes like this regardless of how much money you could give him.

There are work study jobs he could get, etc. He's gotta stop comparing himself to all the other kids. There are plenty that have to work. He's never going to have anything if he doesn't learn to work.

Ask him to send you his grades before you send him any more cash.

I told him I need to see grades before I'll even consider any of the things he's asking for--to take his car back to campus (uh, pay to have it repaired first and let me see your grades. Then maybe it can go in the fall) and to rent an apartment with some friends. (ha!)

Good. Now stick with it. He can do work-study on campus. He doesn't need a care (neither of my kids have cars - can't afford it). Tell him to hijack his fanny into the work-study office when he returns and get a job on campus. He needs to become more responsible and learn the value of a dollar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't get the "I have more than you, OP, but..." responses. OP wasn't trying to bankroll her son with $ she didn't have. She told her son to get a job but he was too immature and spoiled to listen. My sense is that at one point she could afford their lifestyle and he became spoiled. Now he's being forced to grow up and deal with life.

Because OP is living beyond her means and teaching her son to live beyond his. Or feels guilty about not being able to provide what she perceives other kids are getting. What others are telling her is that wealthier kids aren't getting all the stuff her kid is getting. The kid is manipulating her by saying he's the poor kid.

My kid (wealthy) gets $200/month for allowance. No car. 4 year old laptop. Didn't work last summer (needed surgery) but did the year before and will this summer.

What I remember reading (and I may need to go back) is that she's not giving him much of anything these days and wonders if she's wrong. The money spent has been for books and a much needed laptop. Now that she can no longer afford other luxuries she's not trying to give them and expects him to do for self.

I suspect the class ring , iPhone and car were purchased when she had the money. Now there's no child support and she expects him to step up.

He got merit aid so I wonder if she's willing to give him allowance because he's studious or has obligations associated with his aid.

She's giving him $75 every 2 weeks. Offered to pay for the new iPhone if he made a small contribution. Given him extra amounts. It's only October!

[Anonymous]

This must be how kids with college degrees and no student debt end up back at home after college. You are not helping him by sending him money every time he calls!

OP, he is not struggling. He is finally learning a lesson you should have taught him years ago. My family was fairly wealthy and I had to pay for 'extras' on my own as soon as I was in HS. If I wanted to go to the movies with friends, buy CDs, cool jeans, a prom dress etc I had to pick up babysitting jobs, do yard work, and I always had a summer job. I also worked part time in college and ate plenty of ramen when I was broke.

He has room, board, books, a computer and a little extra cash for shampoo and pizza. You are being more than generous. Will he be home over winter break? If he wants a new iPhone, he can work a seasonal job for a couple weeks, plow drive ways, babysit or whatever else he can think of to earn money himself. And he can do the same every break from here on out.

[Anonymous]

Where is he located? Unless he's in the middle of nowhere, I imagine there are some malls or small mom and pop stores around. It's November -- with the start of the holiday season, there is supposed to be a LOT of hiring. Tell him to do the math.

Don't know where he is but it's also projected to be a cold, snowy winter in lots of places. Could he make some money this winter shoveling out a few driveways every time it snows? It's not longer a job people do for $10. I know the very few teens who are willing to come around in my parents neighborhood charge no less than $40-50. 3 of those in a month and he's made $150 on his own.

[Anonymous]

OP, he can always do what I did -- join the Marines and save my money to pay for college when I finished my tour.

[Anonymous]

Do most kids get an allowance at college? I'm kind of surprised to hear this.