Am I Wrong for Making My Freshman Struggle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are too generous. I come from a wealthy family but had jobs all through college - DURING the school year. I am successful now in part because of this and plan to do the same to my well off kids.

I didn't work during college--not one semester. I babysat those last 2 summers, but I never worked during the year. DS, however, needs to. I thought I'd let him transition into freshman year but this summer and next year, he's gotta work. I also believe it's good for his growth. He needs to develop a work ethic because needless to say, right now he doesn't have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on Earth is he far from home?

Why not be far from home? I budgeted travel expenses into MY part of the expenses.

When money is tight you don't do that.

[Anonymous]

GOT TO WORK SUMMERS AND SAVE THE VAST MAJORITY OF IT.

[Anonymous]

Don't be a doormat. If he's hungry enough, he'll find a way to get food.

[Anonymous]

It's better to have some wiggle room and go to a nearby state school than be the struggling poor freshman far away and much higher tuition. Plus working summers and saving most of it is part of the education.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on Earth is he far from home?

Why not be far from home? I budgeted travel expenses into MY part of the expenses.

When money is tight you don't do that.

Money is tight(er) because he blew off getting that summer job. Round trip travel tix money has been put away.

That few hundred for the college stuff ate into the drop off money. It kinda dominoes when he calls with more needs. The additional book money was legitimate. But it was still money he should've been spending out of his own pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's better to have some wiggle room and go to a nearby state school than be the struggling poor freshman far away and much higher tuition. Plus working summers and saving most of it is part of the education.

The tuition is not much higher at all. He received VERY generous merit aid. And yes, he's learning that working is part of the education. And unfortunately for him, he's learning it the hard way. (As I warned him he would.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a doormat. If he's hungry enough, he'll find a way to get food.

Please, all he has to do is find his way to one of the many dining halls on campus.

One of the reasons his biweekly allowance is so paltry is because he doesn't have to worry about paying rent or buying food. However, he can get haircuts, replenish toiletries, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, part of it is that as a single mom there's not enough money. On the other hand, I might be able to sacrifice a bit more.

This summer I begged DS to get a job before starting college this fall, telling him that as a single parent, I cannot do it alone, books are expensive, and that he'll need the money to buy much needed things for college.

DS blew me off and opted to hang out with friends instead. I pointed out to him that these friends were not planning to head off to college in the fall or their households had 2 incomes so they may be able to goof off.

DS gave half-hearted attempts at finding jobs (taking just 3 minutes to apply for online jobs that would take most people at least 30).

When it was time to leave, I took him shopping and got what I could: comforter, sheets, toiletries, shower shoes, etc. borrowed money from my sister to make the trip and drove him cross-country and dropped him off with a few hundred from Grandma to buy books. Once he set up an account at the local bank, I set up direct deposit of a modest $75 to go into his account every two weeks from my paycheck.

DS didn't have a laptop. Oh well, use the computer labs at your school until I can afford to buy you a new one. After all, you could've worked and bought one for yourself this summer. And that has been my mantra nearly every time he called with a need. I sacrificed my cable and internet bundle to send him a few hundred when he said he needed more books. (I'm on a public computer--no cable or internet service at home; downgraded to a phone with no internet access and sent him the money that would've gone to those bills.) And I sacrificed more to fly him home during a long weekend he had at school.

When he came home he was down about being the poor kid on campus and expressed his frustration at not having a laptop. I had little sympathy remembering what an ass he was about working this summer but sacrificed another bill to send him back with a new laptop. (It is a REAL need.)

Since then there have been other needs and wants, and frankly I feel little sympathy. It seems he had to learn things the hard way, and if this struggle is what it will take for him to finally grow the hell up, so be it!

On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being a bit harsh in making him struggle/grow up as a FRESHMAN who's far from home, as if I should pull out ALL the stops to ensure his transition into freshman year is as smooth as possible.

Now his iphone is ruined. It was in his pocket when a friend threw him into the pool. I'm not making any swift moves to replace it because he needs to learn to be more careful. I told him that when his next bi-weekly allowance comes he can use that towards the deductible for a new one and I'll give him the rest. Not taking care of expensive things I've given him has been repeated throughout his teen years.

The nearly $300 class ring I bought? Lost. And not replaced because he wouldn't use part of his salary (when he had an after school job) to pay for it.

The car I still struggle to pay for? Not working. He didn't go in for that last oil change before leaving and thinks that could be the problem.

I could go on.

Thoughts?

You weren't serious and he knew it.

You came up with the money to pay for all the stuff so he just thinks you are being mean and holding out to hold out.

My mom pulled the same crap and it's so bad to do. I really didn't understand that she didn't have the money. I knew absolutely zero about budget, managing finances, mortgages payments, etc. How could I reasonably know this things out of the blue at the age of 18?

First, really sit down and figure out what you can pay for and when your son is home on break sit him down and give him the amount. Work together to find ways to make up the shortfall. Maybe it's a job during the semester, maybe it's him budgeting his own money, maybe he needs to reach out to your family members for help if they are willing, buy a second hand laptop,etc. Tell him the truth, yes, you are lower middle income or middle income, and that this is the reality. He will complain, he will bitch and whine but you should stick to the amount you figured out and not go above it. It will take a while but eventually yes, it will sink in. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP-- you asked if you are wrong for making your freshman struggle. No, you are not.

It sounds like you provided him with sound advice ( get a job) and he choose not to take it. College is a great place to learn this lesson. You've covered his basic needs-- education, books, shelter, and food. It sounds like he doesn't have any fun money. Then again it sounds like you don't have any either. It's a true life lesson. if he wants fun money, he needs to earn it.

You're doing a great job of parenting an 18 yr old. This years lesson seems to be how to live with the decisions you made and the consequences. No one ever said being a parent is easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-- you asked if you are wrong for making your freshman struggle. No, you are not.

It sounds like you provided him with sound advice ( get a job) and he choose not to take it. College is a great place to learn this lesson. You've covered his basic needs-- education, books, shelter, and food. It sounds like he doesn't have any fun money. Then again it sounds like you don't have any either. It's a true life lesson. if he wants fun money, he needs to earn it.

You're doing a great job of parenting an 18 yr old. This years lesson seems to be how to live with the decisions you made and the consequences. No one ever said being a parent is easy.

Thank you and thank you to all who've replied.

He will be fine. This is a life lesson he needed to get. I just wondered if freshman year of college away from home was the time to do it. So thanks for your confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he was accustomed to a different lifestyle when there was child support, and now the child support has stopped and reality is setting in. Why is having a job during breaks even just an option, why is it not mandatory?

[Anonymous]

You are very reasonable. He can get a job now. My parents paid for school but the agreement was we work summers and they put our check away for college.

[Anonymous]

I also think you are reasonable. The only thing I may disagree with is not having a computer. You can get a cheap laptop ~$350 or so. If he is running to the computer lab to use the computer this might be money well spent. Have him pay back.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If you're trying to instill independence in your kid within a summer at age 17 or 18, yes you are wrong. The understanding of where money comes from and how it is spent should have been a lesson taught a long time ago. So pulling the plug suddenly is making up for your past parenting mistakes.

Make sure your kid has the basics--shelter, food, clothing. Help him develop a plan for the rest.