Am I Wrong for Making My Freshman Struggle

[Anonymous]

I come from a well off family but I never had a car! A car is a want, not a need. Why does he have one??

Sell it. Now.

[Anonymous]

Op I am, what your son would consider, rich. I can afford all the things your son wants plus what you've bought him plus what you've gone without. And you know what? Both my college kids had jobs all through high school. Plus during college. Sometimes as few as ten hours a week, but they work their asses off.
Stop giving your son so much. You should not be working harder for him than he is for himself.

[Anonymous]

Ps. And do not buy him a new phone! He can get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've been generous - you've given enough. Some kids have more, but their parents probably have a lot more too. Don't feel guilty. I would stick to what you can afford. He may ask you a lot because it has worked before, and because it's easier than getting a job.

I don't feel guilty at all. This kid had every advantage growing up, a real leg up. (Think month long European summer vacations as a teen, sleep away camps as a pre-teen and private tutors during the summer to prepare him for the school year.) Then he turned a certain age and child support stopped. Now here we are.

Tell him to ask dad for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be a doormat. If he's hungry enough, he'll find a way to get food.

Please, all he has to do is find his way to one of the many dining halls on campus.

One of the reasons his biweekly allowance is so paltry is because he doesn't have to worry about paying rent or buying food. However, he can get haircuts, replenish toiletries, etc.

I wasn't writing literally about food. What I mean is that he is being provided with everything and more without having to work for it. He has a sweet deal and he knows it. Stop the gravy train (no, I am not referring to gravy in the literal sense) and he will have to go get what he wants. Right now, the OP just keeps giving and giving and he keeps taking and taking. I can't blame him but she has to put her foot down at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

If you're trying to instill independence in your kid within a summer at age 17 or 18, yes you are wrong. The understanding of where money comes from and how it is spent should have been a lesson taught a long time ago. So pulling the plug suddenly is making up for your past parenting mistakes.

Make sure your kid has the basics--shelter, food, clothing. Help him develop a plan for the rest.

NP. Please we're talking about a teen boy here. My DS was taught those things (or, should I say, he went through the motions of working , saving, etc) from the age of 3. And he still sounds a lot like OP's son as a college freshman. He's early 20's and still thinks $ should fall from the sky to bankroll his social life.

There's something about males that won't let the mature quickly enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

If you're trying to instill independence in your kid within a summer at age 17 or 18, yes you are wrong. The understanding of where money comes from and how it is spent should have been a lesson taught a long time ago. So pulling the plug suddenly is making up for your past parenting mistakes.

Make sure your kid has the basics--shelter, food, clothing. Help him develop a plan for the rest.

NP. Please we're talking about a teen boy here. My DS was taught those things (or, should I say, he went through the motions of working , saving, etc) from the age of 3. And he still sounds a lot like OP's son as a college freshman. He's early 20's and still thinks $ should fall from the sky to bankroll his social life.

There's something about males that won't let the mature quickly enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am, what your son would consider, rich. I can afford all the things your son wants plus what you've bought him plus what you've gone without. And you know what? Both my college kids had jobs all through high school. Plus during college. Sometimes as few as ten hours a week, but they work their asses off.
Stop giving your son so much. You should not be working harder for him than he is for himself.

This. I agree with PP that your son doesn't feel like you are serious. I knew my parents did not have the money and my mom was upfront that she wasn't going to mortgage the house and eat ramen noodles to send us to college. On a limited income we lived in a decent school distract and were able to participate in school activities. At a certain point, my parents felt it was up to us, they gave us a good start. So not having a job didn't even occur to me because the tuition would not have been paid and I would have no books. I'm sure there was advice our mom gave us to help pay for school etc that we didn't follow but that was fine because we had to live with the consequences. My mom was fair and didn't do for one child what she didnt do for another and stuck to her word.

BTW, I went to school with wealthy kids and I remember they would be holding on to parent weekend squeezing the bottom of their shampoo bottle because spending money and extras were on the kids but parents might bring toiletries when they visited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am, what your son would consider, rich. I can afford all the things your son wants plus what you've bought him plus what you've gone without. And you know what? Both my college kids had jobs all through high school. Plus during college. Sometimes as few as ten hours a week, but they work their asses off.
Stop giving your son so much. You should not be working harder for him than he is for himself.

Most of us can afford these things. I think what we have or she has is beside the point. (But if typing it makes you feel better.)

This is about a boy who needs to grow up. It's not about wealth. Whether she can afford it or not, he should not be burning out cars, losing $300 rings, destroying iPhones, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I am, what your son would consider, rich. I can afford all the things your son wants plus what you've bought him plus what you've gone without. And you know what? Both my college kids had jobs all through high school. Plus during college. Sometimes as few as ten hours a week, but they work their asses off.
Stop giving your son so much. You should not be working harder for him than he is for himself.

Most of us can afford these things. I think what we have or she has is beside the point. (But if typing it makes you feel better.)

This is about a boy who needs to grow up. It's not about wealth. Whether she can afford it or not, he should not be burning out cars, losing $300 rings, destroying iPhones, etc

[Anonymous]

You are being more then fair he needs to get a part time jobs on weekends like so many other students do.

[Anonymous]

Why does he still not have a job?

I also had 2-3 jobs during the school year.

[Anonymous]

Why does he have a car at school? Why have a car at all? Can't he take public transportation when in DC or to school?

If you can't pay bills and he won't work I see a big problem. How about he gets a new cheap phone with no data plan. That would not be the end of the world. $14.99 phone Kyocera Kona - Sprint Prepaid.

[Anonymous]

I really don't get the "I have more than you, OP, but..." responses. OP wasn't trying to bankroll her son with $ she didn't have. She told her son to get a job but he was too immature and spoiled to listen. My sense is that at one point she could afford their lifestyle and he became spoiled. Now he's being forced to grow up and deal with life.

[Anonymous]

I really don't get the "I have more than you, OP, but..." responses. OP wasn't trying to bankroll her son with $ she didn't have. She told her son to get a job but he was too immature and spoiled to listen. My sense is that at one point she could afford their lifestyle and he became spoiled. Now he's being forced to grow up and deal with life.