Am I Wrong for Making My Freshman Struggle

[Anonymous]

Okay, part of it is that as a single mom there's not enough money. On the other hand, I might be able to sacrifice a bit more.

This summer I begged DS to get a job before starting college this fall, telling him that as a single parent, I cannot do it alone, books are expensive, and that he'll need the money to buy much needed things for college.

DS blew me off and opted to hang out with friends instead. I pointed out to him that these friends were not planning to head off to college in the fall or their households had 2 incomes so they may be able to goof off.

DS gave half-hearted attempts at finding jobs (taking just 3 minutes to apply for online jobs that would take most people at least 30).

When it was time to leave, I took him shopping and got what I could: comforter, sheets, toiletries, shower shoes, etc. borrowed money from my sister to make the trip and drove him cross-country and dropped him off with a few hundred from Grandma to buy books. Once he set up an account at the local bank, I set up direct deposit of a modest $75 to go into his account every two weeks from my paycheck.

DS didn't have a laptop. Oh well, use the computer labs at your school until I can afford to buy you a new one. After all, you could've worked and bought one for yourself this summer. And that has been my mantra nearly every time he called with a need. I sacrificed my cable and internet bundle to send him a few hundred when he said he needed more books. (I'm on a public computer--no cable or internet service at home; downgraded to a phone with no internet access and sent him the money that would've gone to those bills.) And I sacrificed more to fly him home during a long weekend he had at school.

When he came home he was down about being the poor kid on campus and expressed his frustration at not having a laptop. I had little sympathy remembering what an ass he was about working this summer but sacrificed another bill to send him back with a new laptop. (It is a REAL need.)

Since then there have been other needs and wants, and frankly I feel little sympathy. It seems he had to learn things the hard way, and if this struggle is what it will take for him to finally grow the hell up, so be it!

On the other hand, I wonder if I'm being a bit harsh in making him struggle/grow up as a FRESHMAN who's far from home, as if I should pull out ALL the stops to ensure his transition into freshman year is as smooth as possible.

Now his iphone is ruined. It was in his pocket when a friend threw him into the pool. I'm not making any swift moves to replace it because he needs to learn to be more careful. I told him that when his next bi-weekly allowance comes he can use that towards the deductible for a new one and I'll give him the rest. Not taking care of expensive things I've given him has been repeated throughout his teen years.

The nearly $300 class ring I bought? Lost. And not replaced because he wouldn't use part of his salary (when he had an after school job) to pay for it.

The car I still struggle to pay for? Not working. He didn't go in for that last oil change before leaving and thinks that could be the problem.

I could go on.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

You've been generous - you've given enough. Some kids have more, but their parents probably have a lot more too. Don't feel guilty. I would stick to what you can afford. He may ask you a lot because it has worked before, and because it's easier than getting a job.

[Anonymous]

Why on Earth is he far from home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on Earth is he far from home?

Why not be far from home? I budgeted travel expenses into MY part of the expenses. He shoulda coulda done the other bullcrappery on his own.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

It sounds like you've tried to walk a fine line. Given what you've described, it does sound like he needs to struggle a bit!

In your shoes, I'd do as you did, and get him a laptop (a cheap one, not the latest MacBook), but not replace the iPhone. He doesn't need an iPhone.

Does he really need that car? I would sell it, and stop making those payments. Especially if he's neglecting maintenance. He can take public transportation. It sounds like he needs to learn the value of things.

I agree he doesn't deserve much sympathy when he complains about being the poor kid. Point to kids you know who have worked summers and have spending money now. Heck, you can claim you know us, with my full permission! We're a dual-earner, middle class family, and my kid not only has had jobs every summer, since spring of freshman year she's had a job at a store in her college's town.

Do you have other children? It seems unfair to make them go without (cable, perhaps other things like clothes or entertainment).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've been generous - you've given enough. Some kids have more, but their parents probably have a lot more too. Don't feel guilty. I would stick to what you can afford. He may ask you a lot because it has worked before, and because it's easier than getting a job.

I don't feel guilty at all. This kid had every advantage growing up, a real leg up. (Think month long European summer vacations as a teen, sleep away camps as a pre-teen and private tutors during the summer to prepare him for the school year.) Then he turned a certain age and child support stopped. Now here we are.

[Anonymous]

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have posted about this before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have posted about this before.

Sounds like it's an ongoing issue. Maybe she needs ongoing support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

It sounds like you've tried to walk a fine line. Given what you've described, it does sound like he needs to struggle a bit!

In your shoes, I'd do as you did, and get him a laptop (a cheap one, not the latest MacBook), but not replace the iPhone. He doesn't need an iPhone.

Does he really need that car? I would sell it, and stop making those payments. Especially if he's neglecting maintenance. He can take public transportation. It sounds like he needs to learn the value of things.

I agree he doesn't deserve much sympathy when he complains about being the poor kid. Point to kids you know who have worked summers and have spending money now. Heck, you can claim you know us, with my full permission! We're a dual-earner, middle class family, and my kid not only has had jobs every summer, since spring of freshman year she's had a job at a store in her college's town.

Do you have other children? It seems unfair to make them go without (cable, perhaps other things like clothes or entertainment).

No other children at home. My daughter did so well academically she received a full scholarship with stipends that covered books and everything else. DS on the other hand. I didn't even mention I still have a balance due on his tuition.

And trust me, I tried to return the car when he wouldn't get a job to take over the payments, but due to the depreciation I was unable to.

And I've told him about friends' children who returned to school this fall with THOUSANDS from working during the summer.

I figure I'll let him continue to struggle a bit and see how hard he works this summer. He can continue to email me as he did to let me know his UNCOVERED iphone was ruined in the pool. He can put a landline in his dorm room.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he is immature and would make mistakes like this regardless of how much money you could give him.

There are work study jobs he could get, etc. He's gotta stop comparing himself to all the other kids. There are plenty that have to work. He's never going to have anything if he doesn't learn to work.

Ask him to send you his grades before you send him any more cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have posted about this before.

Actually I haven't. That must've been someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on Earth is he far from home?

Why not be far from home? I budgeted travel expenses into MY part of the expenses. He shoulda coulda done the other bullcrappery on his own.

Because money is tight and it would be far cheaper and easier? Why make a hard situation more difficult ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he is immature and would make mistakes like this regardless of how much money you could give him.

There are work study jobs he could get, etc. He's gotta stop comparing himself to all the other kids. There are plenty that have to work. He's never going to have anything if he doesn't learn to work.

Ask him to send you his grades before you send him any more cash.

I told him I need to see grades before I'll even consider any of the things he's asking for--to take his car back to campus (uh, pay to have it repaired first and let me see your grades. Then maybe it can go in the fall) and to rent an apartment with some friends. (ha!)

[Anonymous]

You are too generous. I come from a wealthy family but had jobs all through college - DURING the school year. I am successful now in part because of this and plan to do the same to my well off kids.