My husband can't keep a job

[Anonymous]

I am seriously shocked at the level this conversation has disintegrated into, but I do commiserate and empathesize with OP and the series (wow! lots of us!) of posters who have a similar situation.

Just to share my experience. My XH is a chronic job frog. Like some other posters, he has a very egotistical view of himself. Like some of the PPs, he also doesn't "mind" being unemployed, being fired, quitting and can't imagine why this stressed me out. It hasn't been said in other posts, but maybe like some others, he also has very terrible listening skills. "Tone deaf." So I can easily imagine how a boss might start signalling what needs to happen and between his overinflated ego and his inability to hear people, he might just not notice these signals.

It is very stressful and also (in my case) was also a source of resentment because I really wanted to reduce my hours to 80% to spend more time with our child and he would not even work a crappy job ("slumming" was his term) to pull his weight. All of these things (plus the traits that make him a terrible employee) led to our divorce.

I think OP may want to think about to what extent she can handle the stress this situation is causing and also consider to what extent her spouse is willing to mitigate that stress. Would he be willing to see a career coach to understand factors that are hurting his employability? In my family if XH had taken a crappy (even part time job while still looking for that "real" job), we'd have stayed together. In other words, there's the situation (which sucks) and then there's the spouse's reaction to that situation.

GL. I am hoping things turn out better for you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear all of that OP. It does sound stressful. The economy has been so horrible for the past several years since 2008 that good people are hurt a lot. The sad reality is that even when they don't want to have to work in a paid job, women are going to have to more and more. If you accept this reality, it will still be tough, but try not to think about how great someone else has it. I'm sure they have worries too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't keep a job either. I don't get fired so much as I have REALLY bad job luck.

Over the last ten years: One job was different than advertised and I didn't have the computer skills to do what they needed (and I have learning disabilities so learning new skills is REALLY hard - close to impossible) so I got fired. One job was moving offices from 10 minutes away to an hour and a half away so I lost it. Then was out of work for almost four years during the recession. Then I worked for a year and a half and then the owner closed the business. Then I worked for someone for 11 months and then he laid me off because business was slow and he couldn't afford me.

My resume is now shit and it's super frustrating. I have excellent letters of reference from my last two jobs but it's still super difficult to even get interviews. My self-esteem is in the toilet because of this.

Hang in there. My speciality is joining a company just before it has a massive revenue decline or it gets sold or the person who hired me gets fired. Hang in there. OP, maybe your spouse is in the wrong field.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously shocked at the level this conversation has disintegrated into, but I do commiserate and empathesize with OP and the series (wow! lots of us!) of posters who have a similar situation.

Just to share my experience. My XH is a chronic job frog. Like some other posters, he has a very egotistical view of himself. Like some of the PPs, he also doesn't "mind" being unemployed, being fired, quitting and can't imagine why this stressed me out. It hasn't been said in other posts, but maybe like some others, he also has very terrible listening skills. "Tone deaf." So I can easily imagine how a boss might start signalling what needs to happen and between his overinflated ego and his inability to hear people, he might just not notice these signals.

It is very stressful and also (in my case) was also a source of resentment because I really wanted to reduce my hours to 80% to spend more time with our child and he would not even work a crappy job ("slumming" was his term) to pull his weight. All of these things (plus the traits that make him a terrible employee) led to our divorce.

I think OP may want to think about to what extent she can handle the stress this situation is causing and also consider to what extent her spouse is willing to mitigate that stress. Would he be willing to see a career coach to understand factors that are hurting his employability? In my family if XH had taken a crappy (even part time job while still looking for that "real" job), we'd have stayed together. In other words, there's the situation (which sucks) and then there's the spouse's reaction to that situation.

GL. I am hoping things turn out better for you.

The reason the thread evolved as it did was because the OP sounded like she was entitled to a spouse working a full-time job, so she could stay home or work part-time if she wanted to, like her friends.

Not exactly a poster child for equal rights or equity in the work place.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you think maybe your DH needs to go into a new field? One of my good friend's DH literally couldn't /didn't work for years. Yes, years. It was so hard on her. He literally sat around playing video games all day. Then, she encouraged him to go into a computer-related field. She spent thousands so he could get certified. He started his own company and has been rocking it ever since. It's like he's a new guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I can commiserate a little. DH was steadily employed for many years and then his industry started to transform immensely. After one layoff, he got another job quickly--and that was clearly not working out 6 months in so he started looking but he was more or less warned that he would be laid off (or contract not renewed). He got the second job, was very excited about a new type of work and new, corporate atmosphere--and within 6 months it all went to hell. He really didn't understand what was going on, but he never really knew what he was supposed to do, there were a lot of politics, he is pretty unpolished for a corporate atmosphere-all around bad fit. He got fired, but was already on the job hunt so got a third job within weeks--however here he was warned by others not to take it since his boss was all around crazy and the job had huge turnover. But it was something pretty familiar to him, he knew he could do the job really well--and it was a nightmare and within 6 months his performance was being documented, they were setting him up for getting fired.

At this point, I really started to doubt him and get freaked out (we had baby #2 on the way--I had wanted to wait, but am older so we couldn't). But I also recognized that his many traits that annoyed me at home were probably hampering him at work: serious disorganization, inability to read nuance, accustomed to being blunt, problems listening/hearing, particularly if couched in metaphoric terms or less than really direct terms. He both got screened for adult ADHD (bingo) and got some career counseling/coaching privately.

Right before he was terminated from Job #3, and as he was taking the above steps, he applied for a new job in a new, but related field. Got the job (he does charm at the interviews)..... LOVES it, they love him, have promoted/given him raises and he's making MORE than he did in his past three jobs. More than I do, in fact, and I've been at the same place with a phD for 12 years. He's not only learned a lot about himself and his issues in the workplace, but also was just lucky to find the right fit--both in terms of the job itself and in terms of the culture of the institution. He's in his 3rd year and all is going well and he really has learned so much about how to communicate, how to evaluate his role in supporting his team, etc--none of this was at all on the radar earlier since he never had to develop these skills earlier.

anyway, i just report my story because a couple of years ago I felt as you did--loved my DH, but SO frustrated, felt like he was the common denominator, freaked out about what the turnover would mean for future jobs, etc. It was a dark time for us both, but we got out. I wish you and your DH the best of luck. I highly recommend some form of career coaching/counseling/exeutive training, depending on his role.

This is a great story, thank you so much for sharing. I'll talk to him about getting some career counseling. Glad to hear things turned around for you. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously shocked at the level this conversation has disintegrated into, but I do commiserate and empathesize with OP and the series (wow! lots of us!) of posters who have a similar situation.

Just to share my experience. My XH is a chronic job frog. Like some other posters, he has a very egotistical view of himself. Like some of the PPs, he also doesn't "mind" being unemployed, being fired, quitting and can't imagine why this stressed me out. It hasn't been said in other posts, but maybe like some others, he also has very terrible listening skills. "Tone deaf." So I can easily imagine how a boss might start signalling what needs to happen and between his overinflated ego and his inability to hear people, he might just not notice these signals.

It is very stressful and also (in my case) was also a source of resentment because I really wanted to reduce my hours to 80% to spend more time with our child and he would not even work a crappy job ("slumming" was his term) to pull his weight. All of these things (plus the traits that make him a terrible employee) led to our divorce.

I think OP may want to think about to what extent she can handle the stress this situation is causing and also consider to what extent her spouse is willing to mitigate that stress. Would he be willing to see a career coach to understand factors that are hurting his employability? In my family if XH had taken a crappy (even part time job while still looking for that "real" job), we'd have stayed together. In other words, there's the situation (which sucks) and then there's the spouse's reaction to that situation.

GL. I am hoping things turn out better for you.

The reason the thread evolved as it did was because the OP sounded like she was entitled to a spouse working a full-time job, so she could stay home or work part-time if she wanted to, like her friends.

Not exactly a poster child for equal rights or equity in the work place.

OP here. I work full time and never said anything about not working - that was another poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously shocked at the level this conversation has disintegrated into, but I do commiserate and empathesize with OP and the series (wow! lots of us!) of posters who have a similar situation.

Just to share my experience. My XH is a chronic job frog. Like some other posters, he has a very egotistical view of himself. Like some of the PPs, he also doesn't "mind" being unemployed, being fired, quitting and can't imagine why this stressed me out. It hasn't been said in other posts, but maybe like some others, he also has very terrible listening skills. "Tone deaf." So I can easily imagine how a boss might start signalling what needs to happen and between his overinflated ego and his inability to hear people, he might just not notice these signals.

It is very stressful and also (in my case) was also a source of resentment because I really wanted to reduce my hours to 80% to spend more time with our child and he would not even work a crappy job ("slumming" was his term) to pull his weight. All of these things (plus the traits that make him a terrible employee) led to our divorce.

I think OP may want to think about to what extent she can handle the stress this situation is causing and also consider to what extent her spouse is willing to mitigate that stress. Would he be willing to see a career coach to understand factors that are hurting his employability? In my family if XH had taken a crappy (even part time job while still looking for that "real" job), we'd have stayed together. In other words, there's the situation (which sucks) and then there's the spouse's reaction to that situation.

GL. I am hoping things turn out better for you.

Thank you. I think ego plays a big part in this cycle. OP.

[Anonymous]

DH was on the verge of being fired for years. Made my working in a horrible job more horrible because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop for he. He quit before it did, retrained, loved his new field, and still stank at politics. Fired. Now in a place he likes and they like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously shocked at the level this conversation has disintegrated into, but I do commiserate and empathesize with OP and the series (wow! lots of us!) of posters who have a similar situation.

Just to share my experience. My XH is a chronic job frog. Like some other posters, he has a very egotistical view of himself. Like some of the PPs, he also doesn't "mind" being unemployed, being fired, quitting and can't imagine why this stressed me out. It hasn't been said in other posts, but maybe like some others, he also has very terrible listening skills. "Tone deaf." So I can easily imagine how a boss might start signalling what needs to happen and between his overinflated ego and his inability to hear people, he might just not notice these signals.

It is very stressful and also (in my case) was also a source of resentment because I really wanted to reduce my hours to 80% to spend more time with our child and he would not even work a crappy job ("slumming" was his term) to pull his weight. All of these things (plus the traits that make him a terrible employee) led to our divorce.

I think OP may want to think about to what extent she can handle the stress this situation is causing and also consider to what extent her spouse is willing to mitigate that stress. Would he be willing to see a career coach to understand factors that are hurting his employability? In my family if XH had taken a crappy (even part time job while still looking for that "real" job), we'd have stayed together. In other words, there's the situation (which sucks) and then there's the spouse's reaction to that situation.

GL. I am hoping things turn out better for you.

OP needs to take responsibility for her decision to marry such a loser. This is why you date for YEARS, to discover stuff like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex was the same way, OP. He was a professor in NYC before entering the private sector workforce and was shocked that people would not pay him $100k just to read articles and say intelligent things. When he tried to get an actual assignment done, he'd freak out and stay until midnight, then stress about it for days. His jobs would give him the benefit of the doubt at first, but it typically took 6 months for them to get rid of him. Of course he was convinced his coworkers were crazy and/or threatened by his intelligence.

Sad, I just checked his LinkedIn and looks like he’s unemployed yet again after less than a year at a job in SF. I guess that's an improvement!

You sure he does not suffer from mental health issue? He sounds unstable.

[Anonymous]

I am curious what these men "retrained" in and then found stable, happy and fulfilling jobs.

My husband has been out of work 1.5 years after a lay off.
He does have some mental health issues that make it difficult to get work, but not impossible.

What is a good field to "retrain" into that would maybe take a few months and a few thousand investment?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am seriously shocked at the level this conversation has disintegrated into, but I do commiserate and empathesize with OP and the series (wow! lots of us!) of posters who have a similar situation.

Just to share my experience. My XH is a chronic job frog. Like some other posters, he has a very egotistical view of himself. Like some of the PPs, he also doesn't "mind" being unemployed, being fired, quitting and can't imagine why this stressed me out. It hasn't been said in other posts, but maybe like some others, he also has very terrible listening skills. "Tone deaf." So I can easily imagine how a boss might start signalling what needs to happen and between his overinflated ego and his inability to hear people, he might just not notice these signals.

It is very stressful and also (in my case) was also a source of resentment because I really wanted to reduce my hours to 80% to spend more time with our child and he would not even work a crappy job ("slumming" was his term) to pull his weight. All of these things (plus the traits that make him a terrible employee) led to our divorce.

I think OP may want to think about to what extent she can handle the stress this situation is causing and also consider to what extent her spouse is willing to mitigate that stress. Would he be willing to see a career coach to understand factors that are hurting his employability? In my family if XH had taken a crappy (even part time job while still looking for that "real" job), we'd have stayed together. In other words, there's the situation (which sucks) and then there's the spouse's reaction to that situation.

GL. I am hoping things turn out better for you.

OP needs to take responsibility for her decision to marry such a loser. This is why you date for YEARS, to discover stuff like this.

Unfair. You do not know OPs entire relationship history. I suppose you have never made a less than stellar decision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious what these men "retrained" in and then found stable, happy and fulfilling jobs.

My husband has been out of work 1.5 years after a lay off.
He does have some mental health issues that make it difficult to get work, but not impossible.

What is a good field to "retrain" into that would maybe take a few months and a few thousand investment?

Yes, I want to know too. My dh has been out of work for 6 years, and is now effectively a SAHD. He keeps saying that he will look for work, but I don't see much evidence of it. And this when we really can't afford to live on just my salary, so we keep going further into debt. It is very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't keep a job either. I don't get fired so much as I have REALLY bad job luck.

Over the last ten years: One job was different than advertised and I didn't have the computer skills to do what they needed (and I have learning disabilities so learning new skills is REALLY hard - close to impossible) so I got fired. One job was moving offices from 10 minutes away to an hour and a half away so I lost it. Then was out of work for almost four years during the recession. Then I worked for a year and a half and then the owner closed the business. Then I worked for someone for 11 months and then he laid me off because business was slow and he couldn't afford me.

My resume is now shit and it's super frustrating. I have excellent letters of reference from my last two jobs but it's still super difficult to even get interviews. My self-esteem is in the toilet because of this.

Hang in there. My speciality is joining a company just before it has a massive revenue decline or it gets sold or the person who hired me gets fired. Hang in there. OP, maybe your spouse is in the wrong field.

I am sorry PP. I would recommend putting the reason for "leaving" on your resume underneath each job.