Tell future MIL I'm an atheist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

You're wrong, quite frankly. You sound like an immature 20-something who's recently decided on a viewpoint and wants to share this fantastic viewpoint with the world. Her praying to Jesus for you to get pregnant, get the job you want, learn to love Jesus and accept him into your heart at your one true savior, or get over your cold before your vacation will not harm anyone.

Agree that her praying for those things will not harm anyone. However, making snide remarks about the beliefs of others is not okay.

If a family member was making snide remarks about gay people and I was gay, I would tell them that their remarks were hurtful to me. Honestly, though, OP, there is not much to be gained by starting a fight about this. It'll make it about your beliefs vs. her beliefs. I would just tell her that you do not share her opinion about other religions and would prefer to talk about other things so as to avoid an unpleasant disagreement.

MIL HAS NOT SAID A WORD. The only one being "harmful" is OP who is assuming that MIL will say something snide just due to the fact that she is religious. I love the Lord, but I don't go around making snide remarks about people who don't. I only make snide remarks about people who arrogantly make dumb-ass assumptions about sh** that has not even happened. Honestly, I question OP's fiancee's judgement picking this one who seems to be begging for a fight with his mom.

OP here. I am far from begging for a fight. She makes religious comments all the time, to each their own! She is also quite condescending and rude. If she never says anything, great! She knows I don't share her beliefs and I'm sure it will be a discussion when children enter the picture. IF she makes a remark about lack of morals or something like that, would it be appropriate to respond, in a kind and gentle way?

HUH?
I thought the whole point was that she does not know?

It is clear that I am not as deeply into religion as she is. She does not know, at least not that I am aware of, that I do not believe in any form.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you are borrowing trouble by bringing this up, and from your own description, that you are way too pushy with your own beliefs.

I am an atheist. My MIL is a very devout Catholic. I respect her beliefs, and she respects mine. I'm sure it bothers her to no end that we were not married in the church and that our children are not baptized, yet she has never made an issue of it. I happily let her bring our children to church occassionally as I believe it is good, and healthy, to be exposed to multiple worldviews. You are not going to change her mind about social issues (other than perhaps by modeling tolerance), so those topics are best avoided for the greater good of family harmony. If and when you have children and those issues come up, you can use it as an opportunity to explain to your children why you disagree with Grandma about that particular issue.

That said, make sure you and your husband are on the same page about this. If she is overstepping boundaries, he can raise that with her, but do not assume just because she is religious and you are not that you need to make this an issue. There is no good that will come of that.

[Anonymous]

^ I'm PP. I don't think my MIL knows I'm an atheist either, or that her son is. There's no reason she needs to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I am far from begging for a fight. She makes religious comments all the time, to each their own! She is also quite condescending and rude. If she never says anything, great! She knows I don't share her beliefs and I'm sure it will be a discussion when children enter the picture. IF she makes a remark about lack of morals or something like that, would it be appropriate to respond, in a kind and gentle way?

What would Jesus do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As much as I'd prefer my children not marry unbelievers, I'd be more upset if I was unaware that their partner was an atheist. I think that's grounds for future mistrust.

OP here. These are exactly the type of assumptions about non-believers that I am talking about. Could you please explain in more detail what you mean.

If my child and the spouse didn't trust me with something as fundamental as the partner being an atheist, I'd figure that they don't trust me with other information.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I want to clarify a couple things. I do not care that she is religious and have zero intent to change her beliefs. She is the type to judge others based on her belief system. I have yet to say a single word of opposition to her. Obviously religion will be brought up with children. She knows we are having a non-religious ceremony. My partner doesn't share my beliefs, but is not a religious person himself. We are content with each other's beliefs and how to raise our children. We are in our 30's and 40's and I am not concerned that we will have any issues with each other moving forward.

My question remains the same. If, and only if, she makes a rude remark regarding the morals, for example, of a non-believer, do I kindly say something? I could possibly say, "Well, I don't hold any beliefs in a higher power, yet I have a stong belief in doing the right thing. In fact, my morals line up very similarly to your sons." I would leave it at that. That is just an example. I am not looking for trouble. If she said gay people were going to hell, I would not respond even though I disagree on so many levels. Hopefully this will never be am issue, but I am simply questioning what to do IF it ever is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:smile and nod. As a very religious person myself I would never allow my child to marry or be a non beliver. I would make your life HELL if I knew you didnt believe and you were going to marry my son.

Drive that wedge and their wedding might be the last time you see your son regularly for a long, long while. She would probably let him call you on Mother's Day after the kids are in bed.

Maybe for your average person. But I'm a little crazy . If my son was dating someone I didn't like I would stalk, spit, terrorize daily. Oh protection order you say haha she wouldn't be missed lol. Don't f with crazy.

[Anonymous]

NP. My MIL is a devout Catholic. My DH is pretty much disinterested in religion at this point; he joined my (Protestant) church at one point but hasn't attended in years. He might want to investigate Buddhism if he ever gets the urge to revisit religion. We never discuss/debate religion with my in-laws.

But it hurts my daughter when her grandmother says thoughtless things or when my daughter attends her grandparents' church to be respectful (when we visit them) and then the priest preaches something that seems very exclusionary, implying that Catholicism is the only route to salvation and anyone not Catholic is headed for hell.

I'm just mentioning this because even if you take the nod-and-smile approach or even if the MIL never says something blatantly judgmental, such as questioning the morals of a non-believer, you could still run into some tense times in the future.

I pretty much agree with the PP who said that being a non-believer is one thing, but keeping one's atheism a secret is another thing that is more distancing and would contribute to a loss of trust. I also agree with those who suggest that it might be best for your fiance to have a frank talk with his mother about his and your positions. If in general he is an avoider and you are a speak-upper, that in itself could cause problems in your future, and it might be good to discuss that now too or see if you can agree on an approach that is somewhere in the middle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. My MIL is a devout Catholic. My DH is pretty much disinterested in religion at this point; he joined my (Protestant) church at one point but hasn't attended in years. He might want to investigate Buddhism if he ever gets the urge to revisit religion. We never discuss/debate religion with my in-laws.

But it hurts my daughter when her grandmother says thoughtless things or when my daughter attends her grandparents' church to be respectful (when we visit them) and then the priest preaches something that seems very exclusionary, implying that Catholicism is the only route to salvation and anyone not Catholic is headed for hell.

I'm just mentioning this because even if you take the nod-and-smile approach or even if the MIL never says something blatantly judgmental, such as questioning the morals of a non-believer, you could still run into some tense times in the future.

I pretty much agree with the PP who said that being a non-believer is one thing, but keeping one's atheism a secret is another thing that is more distancing and would contribute to a loss of trust. I also agree with those who suggest that it might be best for your fiance to have a frank talk with his mother about his and your positions. If in general he is an avoider and you are a speak-upper, that in itself could cause problems in your future, and it might be good to discuss that now too or see if you can agree on an approach that is somewhere in the middle.

I'm a lifelong Catholic and have belonged to parishes throughout the U.S. and in multiple foreign countries (both industrialized and "third world"). Never in four decades have I ever heard any priest preach along the lines that anyone not Catholic is going to hell. I must just be lucky because I keep reading about these hateful homilies on DCUM even though I never encounter them in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. My MIL is a devout Catholic. My DH is pretty much disinterested in religion at this point; he joined my (Protestant) church at one point but hasn't attended in years. He might want to investigate Buddhism if he ever gets the urge to revisit religion. We never discuss/debate religion with my in-laws.

But it hurts my daughter when her grandmother says thoughtless things or when my daughter attends her grandparents' church to be respectful (when we visit them) and then the priest preaches something that seems very exclusionary, implying that Catholicism is the only route to salvation and anyone not Catholic is headed for hell.

I'm just mentioning this because even if you take the nod-and-smile approach or even if the MIL never says something blatantly judgmental, such as questioning the morals of a non-believer, you could still run into some tense times in the future.

I pretty much agree with the PP who said that being a non-believer is one thing, but keeping one's atheism a secret is another thing that is more distancing and would contribute to a loss of trust. I also agree with those who suggest that it might be best for your fiance to have a frank talk with his mother about his and your positions. If in general he is an avoider and you are a speak-upper, that in itself could cause problems in your future, and it might be good to discuss that now too or see if you can agree on an approach that is somewhere in the middle.

I'm a lifelong Catholic and have belonged to parishes throughout the U.S. and in multiple foreign countries (both industrialized and "third world"). Never in four decades have I ever heard any priest preach along the lines that anyone not Catholic is going to hell. I must just be lucky because I keep reading about these hateful homilies on DCUM even though I never encounter them in real life.

OP here. I have encountered them with my grandmother. That was the beginning of the end for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. My MIL is a devout Catholic. My DH is pretty much disinterested in religion at this point; he joined my (Protestant) church at one point but hasn't attended in years. He might want to investigate Buddhism if he ever gets the urge to revisit religion. We never discuss/debate religion with my in-laws.

But it hurts my daughter when her grandmother says thoughtless things or when my daughter attends her grandparents' church to be respectful (when we visit them) and then the priest preaches something that seems very exclusionary, implying that Catholicism is the only route to salvation and anyone not Catholic is headed for hell.

I'm just mentioning this because even if you take the nod-and-smile approach or even if the MIL never says something blatantly judgmental, such as questioning the morals of a non-believer, you could still run into some tense times in the future.

I pretty much agree with the PP who said that being a non-believer is one thing, but keeping one's atheism a secret is another thing that is more distancing and would contribute to a loss of trust. I also agree with those who suggest that it might be best for your fiance to have a frank talk with his mother about his and your positions. If in general he is an avoider and you are a speak-upper, that in itself could cause problems in your future, and it might be good to discuss that now too or see if you can agree on an approach that is somewhere in the middle.

OP here. This is a helpful post. I will certainly allow the concept of religion into my child's life, but would not allow hateful people to attempt indoctrination, no matter who is on the other side. I have already had a small issue with future MIL and my partner backed me 100%. She was angry that he couldn't come visit her at the last minute and she somehow decided it was my fault, even though I have tried to build those bonds between them as well as her and I. My partner is not too close with his mother, so I do not worry about her coming between us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. My MIL is a devout Catholic. My DH is pretty much disinterested in religion at this point; he joined my (Protestant) church at one point but hasn't attended in years. He might want to investigate Buddhism if he ever gets the urge to revisit religion. We never discuss/debate religion with my in-laws.

But it hurts my daughter when her grandmother says thoughtless things or when my daughter attends her grandparents' church to be respectful (when we visit them) and then the priest preaches something that seems very exclusionary, implying that Catholicism is the only route to salvation and anyone not Catholic is headed for hell.

I'm just mentioning this because even if you take the nod-and-smile approach or even if the MIL never says something blatantly judgmental, such as questioning the morals of a non-believer, you could still run into some tense times in the future.

I pretty much agree with the PP who said that being a non-believer is one thing, but keeping one's atheism a secret is another thing that is more distancing and would contribute to a loss of trust. I also agree with those who suggest that it might be best for your fiance to have a frank talk with his mother about his and your positions. If in general he is an avoider and you are a speak-upper, that in itself could cause problems in your future, and it might be good to discuss that now too or see if you can agree on an approach that is somewhere in the middle.

OP here. This is a helpful post. I will certainly allow the concept of religion into my child's life, but would not allow hateful people to attempt indoctrination, no matter who is on the other side. I have already had a small issue with future MIL and my partner backed me 100%. She was angry that he couldn't come visit her at the last minute and she somehow decided it was my fault, even though I have tried to build those bonds between them as well as her and I. My partner is not too close with his mother, so I do not worry about her coming between us.

Also, I do not see a need to tell her I am an atheist as I'm sure it would be viewed as though I was trying to build a barrier. I don't feel that religious talk needs to be discussed with her unless absolutely necessary, such as it involving my children. I also do not understand your distinction between an atheist and a non-believer. I tend to use those terms interchangeably.

[Anonymous]

No. Don't talk religion, politics, or money with family. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

You should keep your trap shut. How is her believing harmful to others? Don't go looking for trouble.
I can tell you right now that you MIL is going to hate you, and things will only get worse if/when you have kids. Your partner won't want to upset his/her mom, and you will have epic fights and end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:smile and nod. As a very religious person myself I would never allow my child to marry or be a non beliver. I would make your life HELL if I knew you didnt believe and you were going to marry my son.

If heaven is filled with people like you I'll take my chances in hell.