Tell future MIL I'm an atheist?

[Anonymous]

She is super religious, fairly fundamentalist from what I gather. If/when she makes a snide comment regarding non-believers, which I'm sure is bound to happen, do I tell her? I would never argue with her or bring it up in my own accord. She knows my beliefs are drastically different than hers, but I don't think she knows I am a non-believer. My partner is more of an avoider, while I feel like people should stand up for what is right and fair. What does DCUM think?

[Anonymous]

I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

[Anonymous]

Smile and nod, just smile and nod. I don't see the point in borrowing trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

You're wrong, quite frankly. You sound like an immature 20-something who's recently decided on a viewpoint and wants to share this fantastic viewpoint with the world. Her praying to Jesus for you to get pregnant, get the job you want, learn to love Jesus and accept him into your heart at your one true savior, or get over your cold before your vacation will not harm anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

You're wrong, quite frankly. You sound like an immature 20-something who's recently decided on a viewpoint and wants to share this fantastic viewpoint with the world. Her praying to Jesus for you to get pregnant, get the job you want, learn to love Jesus and accept him into your heart at your one true savior, or get over your cold before your vacation will not harm anyone.

Bluntly put but a fair assessment poster #2

[Anonymous]

You need to discuss and have a plan:
what will happen when you decide to get married. FMIL will expect a church wedding.

What will you do when you have kids? Will she insist that they be baptized?

Will your BF be able to stand up for you against his mother? Because it is you and him (your marriage vs MIL.

[Anonymous]

I'd just keep it to yourself unless she specifically asks. At some point it will likely become clear ( I'm assuming you'll have a civil vs religious ceremony, when you have kids you won't seek baptism or other religious blessings). Clearly if she is disrespectful things to you personally then it might be nice to have a sit down, but I would let random comments go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

You're wrong, quite frankly. You sound like an immature 20-something who's recently decided on a viewpoint and wants to share this fantastic viewpoint with the world. Her praying to Jesus for you to get pregnant, get the job you want, learn to love Jesus and accept him into your heart at your one true savior, or get over your cold before your vacation will not harm anyone.

You're saying people's religious beliefs are not sometimes harmful to others? Quite frankly, you're wrong.
But for the OP, I'm not sure stoking the MIL fire will benefit anyone. Think of this way - she won't change her opinion, you won't change yours. What's the talk about really?

[Anonymous]

You should say something as kindly and gently as possible, before this marriage gets going and there are kids. You are an atheist. That will affect what your children learn about religion or don't learn. Your MIL may have certain expectations that don't match the expectations that you and your husband have.

You're going to have bite your tongue a lot and smile and nod a lot, and so will she. But before you do that, you need to honest about who you are, so that she knows that a Children's Bible might not be the kind of birthday present you are comfortable with for your child.

Talk to your partner about how to break this to her. He may want to do it himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

You're wrong, quite frankly. You sound like an immature 20-something who's recently decided on a viewpoint and wants to share this fantastic viewpoint with the world. Her praying to Jesus for you to get pregnant, get the job you want, learn to love Jesus and accept him into your heart at your one true savior, or get over your cold before your vacation will not harm anyone.

Reading is fundamental. She WROTE that she only speaks up when it is harmful. I agree 100%. You should ALWAYS speak up against ignorance or something harmful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

You're wrong, quite frankly. You sound like an immature 20-something who's recently decided on a viewpoint and wants to share this fantastic viewpoint with the world. Her praying to Jesus for you to get pregnant, get the job you want, learn to love Jesus and accept him into your heart at your one true savior, or get over your cold before your vacation will not harm anyone.

Agree that her praying for those things will not harm anyone. However, making snide remarks about the beliefs of others is not okay.

If a family member was making snide remarks about gay people and I was gay, I would tell them that their remarks were hurtful to me. Honestly, though, OP, there is not much to be gained by starting a fight about this. It'll make it about your beliefs vs. her beliefs. I would just tell her that you do not share her opinion about other religions and would prefer to talk about other things so as to avoid an unpleasant disagreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your first priority is getting on the same page with your partner in regards to how you two will handle issues with each other's parents.

For the most part we are on the same page. I believe this is more of a personal issue. I am outspoken regarding social issues. My partner shares my beliefs in a much more personal matter. His view is that everyone is entitled to hold their own beliefs. My view is that people should be verbal when other's beliefs are harmful.

You're wrong, quite frankly. You sound like an immature 20-something who's recently decided on a viewpoint and wants to share this fantastic viewpoint with the world. Her praying to Jesus for you to get pregnant, get the job you want, learn to love Jesus and accept him into your heart at your one true savior, or get over your cold before your vacation will not harm anyone.

Listen to this PP, OP - she's spot on.
Stop being so aggressive. Diplomacy will carry you much farther in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should say something as kindly and gently as possible, before this marriage gets going and there are kids. You are an atheist. That will affect what your children learn about religion or don't learn. Your MIL may have certain expectations that don't match the expectations that you and your husband have.

You're going to have bite your tongue a lot and smile and nod a lot, and so will she. But before you do that, you need to honest about who you are, so that she knows that a Children's Bible might not be the kind of birthday present you are comfortable with for your child.

Talk to your partner about how to break this to her. He may want to do it himself.

Yep. And if your MIL is the type to pepper her conversation with religious references and that's going to drive you crazy, then you'll need to not communicate with her much and generally let DH take the lead with keeping in touch with his family.

I ultimately agree that you both need to learn to bite your tongues a bit, and MIL can't learn to do that without knowing where you're starting from (she may never, but she deserves the chance). Biting your tongue for a long time without saying anything will only build up resentment on your part, as I know from how we dealt with evangelical family growing up. I wish we'd been more open about our differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Smile and nod, just smile and nod. I don't see the point in borrowing trouble.

I agree. Smile and nod, feign oblivion.

What is the point of being outspoken on this topic? You are not going to change her beliefs.