I've never met my real father & I resent my mom for it

[Anonymous]

OP It sounds like you would like to trade in your mom for the new dad and sibs. Understandable, but not the best thing to do. You bio Dad is a known bad actor/ con man. Once he gets you into his orbit, he will spin you. Your mom is trying to protect you, but you don't want to hear it. Your mom may be bad, but your dad (sorry!) sounds worse, much worse. you don't know what bad is -- and you don't need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh hell. I could be your mom if you were a wee bit younger. My ex tried to kill me. Beat my head on the floor and raped me. I jumped multiple states, forged papers, and did everything I could to keep my identity hidden---before the internet, it was easier. Kept my daughter safe and all she could do was whine about her dad and how if she got ahold of him, he could give her the back child support and stuff.

Your parents don't owe you anything, least of all baring their souls to your immature and petulant self wanting to know every detail of their lives so you can criticize it. Why on earth should your mom do that? She has given you a good home and a decent upbringing. Time and past time for you to move on.

OP here: What????? I am not asking to know every detail of my mother's life. ALL I wanted to know was the back story of why he was in my life for 2 years and then not and WHY we didn't stay in touch with my grandparents on his side, aunts/uncles on his side, etc. No need to be rude/jump to conclusions that are no where close to true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am sorry. This sounds very sad and I can't believe some PPs are calling you ungrateful. If it were me I would let my bio Dad know I am not ready to meet and ask him to send me the details he thinks I am missing in a FB message. This way you protect yourself from not meeting him in-person (which seems like a very bad idea) but you will get the info you must feel you are missing out on.

Re: your mom, just because you don't have a great relationship does not mean you are not grateful for her. Counseling with her to figure this out together can help you both heal. Good luck!

OP here: Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately, she hasn't been willing to see a counselor with me. I saw one two years ago when I was having some issues and felt like a lot of them stemmed from the way she treated me growing up and my counselor tried to get her to come in but she wouldn't. She doesn't think that she did anything. I really think that she has blocked out all of the years of her emotionally and physically abusing me and thinks that I had a great childhood to her. Anytime I would try and bring up the things she did to me as a child/young adult, she starts with her whole speech about how I had a very great childhood and got to go to private schools and on vacations and always got whatever I wanted, etc. She doesn't realize that sure that may be true, but that doesn't mean I forgot all the times she told me she hated me, would throw a water bottle at my head, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From OP's latest post: "It sucks but I'll take this relationship over the old one we had when I was living at home where she would constantly scream, swear, throw things, etc. at me."

So PPs who claim (especially after OP said this) her Mom gave her a good home should probably apologize for that. A better home than Dad? Probably. But not a good home.

So Dad disappeared, and Mom was probably too busy dealing with her own demons to be a good parent. What about your step-Dad, OP? Was he able to protect you from your Mom when she started going off the deep end?

Keep your contact limited to e-mail or actual letters, OP, at least for the time being. Explicitly ask him not to contact you through other media than the one you choose, and if he doesn't respect that, just run.

He's not going to rescue you from whatever your mother has put you through, he is going to take you to (probably) a deeper level of Hell. If he has grown up and wants to connect with you, then do that, but be prepared for him to just lose interest or ask you for money.

If he's been clean for the past 15-20 years you may want to factor that into any decisions you make.

OP here: When all of this was happening, he honestly did nothing. He always took my moms side/stayed out of it. It was actually 2 summers ago when I was moving back to my home state after living in Virginia for a year, that he called me and apologized to me for never standing up for me when she was doing the things she did to me. Now, him and I have a great relationship. I talk to him more then I do my mom.

[Anonymous]

If you are in a relationship with a stalk-y kind of man, you do anything you can to prevent contact. I totally understand why your mom would flip out at the idea of more contact.

[Anonymous]

OP, pp here. Really, you just need to reframe your thinking. You are a grown up now. You get to make different choices, decisions, etc... that your parents - any of them.

Take responsibility for your life going forward. Decide how to handle the hand you've been dealt thus far and what you want to build for yourself for the rest of your life.

You got some shitty stuff. You also maybe were spared other shitty stuff. You still have a lot of stuff to deal with.

But now it's on you to run your life.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Op, your dad wasn't in your life because your mom grew a brain and moved on. You sound like an immature piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, your dad wasn't in your life because your mom grew a brain and moved on. You sound like an immature piece of work.

okay- move on from this forum now. Your comments are getting old.