I've never met my real father & I resent my mom for it

[Anonymous]

So a quick back story-
I am 25 and up until I was 18, I didn't know who my real father was. My mom married my step dad when I was 7 and I have always just considered him my "real father" as he has been in my life since I was 5 and is really the only father I have ever known. When I was 18, I came across a baby book of mine and saw some pictures of me with my real father and it had his name on the back. I asked my mom about him and she was always so vague, just telling me that "he's not a good guy" and that's it. When I was 19, I found him on myspace and we started messaging back and forth and I found out that I have three half siblings. As we talked more and more, he started pretty much bashing my mom and telling me all of these things about how she took me from him, etc. I didn't like the things he was starting to say so I stopped talking to him. Fast forward about 2 years later and he started harassing both my mom and step dad via phone calls. He was calling our house and hanging up and was also calling my dad's business and doing the same. One night, he called our house phone 10+ times and my parent's called the police. Nothing really came about it as he stopped and they officer pretty much just said to tell him to stop or they would press charges. Around that time, my mom told me a bit of a back story about him being arrested multiple times for fraud and how he was a scammer and all of this. A simple google search showed that she was correct and obviously I wanted nothing to do with him. Well about a year ago, he started trying to add me on every social media site that he possibly could. Facebook, twitter, LinkedIn, etc. I block his account but he ends up making new accounts. He sent me a FB message about 9 months ago telling me how I deserve to know the truth and all he wants is a phone call with me, etc. I just ignored it. Now fast forward to yesterday, I woke up to an email saying that again he was trying to add me on FB and when I logged in, I saw that he had messaged me also. The message was pretty much him begging for me to just give him 15 minutes and how now that I am 25, he thinks that I should give him the chance to tell his side of the story and how he raised me for the first 2 years of my life and how he bets I didn't know that, etc. The message really upset me and I called my mom to discuss it with her and she just freaked out on me. She told me how yes, he was around for a year and a half but then was arrested and wanted her to bring me to jail to visit him and all of that but she wasn't going to do that. She told me google him to see all of the things he's done and all of that. I got kind of mad telling her how she has never told me the full story, just bits and pieces and how I am starting to kind of resent her for it. She then tells me that he reached out to her when I was in 8th grade and asked to talk to me and she wouldn't let him. I know he's a bad guy and I shouldn't be bothered by all of this but I am. It's just weird thinking that I have 3 other siblings out there and grandparents and aunts and uncles that I have never met. My mom and I have never had the best relationship (she was very emotionally and psychically abusive growing up) and has always just been about money and status and having everyone know that we have money, etc. and I have always hated it. Our relationship has gotten a little better now that I am older and not living at home but it's still not the relationship I would like. Him messaging me has just made me feel very resentful towards her as I feel like I was held back from knowing a whole family that I've never met. So pretty much the conversation with her ended with her saying he's white trash and that isn't how I grew up and I should be thankful for everything. I'm sorry this is so long but I guess I'm just seeing what other's think. I haven't messaged him back at all and I don't know if I want to but I just can't help but feel sad about everything when I think about it and I'm not too sure what I should do.

[Anonymous]

Give him a few minutes to explain his side and ask him to try his best not to bash your mom. Understand the pain he feels from losing you and missing out on your life. My husband's ex did the same thing to him and he has kids your age and is still deeply hurt by it. He wouldn't stalk and he is a very good and decent guy.

[Anonymous]

First, you should see a therapist to help navigate much of this both emotionally and logistically.

Second, I think given his recent past of not respecting boundaries etc., I would as him to write a letter to you with the details he wants to tell you. Tell him that you would consider corresponding with him by email or letter but that you don't feel comfortable talking to him at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Don't be hard on your mom -- she was trying to do the best she could at the time to protect you.

Honestly, I think if you read what you wrote, you will see why she did what she did. He does not sound like a stable person. A stable person does not behave the way he has.

If you want to meet him, go ahead, but be prepared for him to be a permanent fixture in your life.

[Anonymous]

onebigparagraph

[Anonymous]

I didn't read your long post but I am 40, "know" who my father is, know why mom didn't want me to meet him and am ok with her decision. He's a bad guy. Horrible. Really, really bad.
you are prob better off

[Anonymous]

PP here. I want to add one detail you need to think about: he never tried to contact you when you were younger. Chances are he didn't want to be responsible for child support.

[Anonymous]

The enter key. It is your friend. Paragraphs, young grasshopper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I want to add one detail you need to think about: he never tried to contact you when you were younger. Chances are he didn't want to be responsible for child support.

OP here: My mom told me that when he contacted her when I was in 8th grade, she told me to pay all of his back child support and then he could see me. In reality, she doesn't need him to do that. She told me that she said that to him to get him to go away because she knew that he never would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give him a few minutes to explain his side and ask him to try his best not to bash your mom. Understand the pain he feels from losing you and missing out on your life. My husband's ex did the same thing to him and he has kids your age and is still deeply hurt by it. He wouldn't stalk and he is a very good and decent guy.

OP here: I'm just conflicted. I've been avoiding responding to him because I am kind of scared to hear what he has to say. I know he doesn't have a great track record but it's just very odd to me that my mom is so cautious with what she tells me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be hard on your mom -- she was trying to do the best she could at the time to protect you.

Honestly, I think if you read what you wrote, you will see why she did what she did. He does not sound like a stable person. A stable person does not behave the way he has.

If you want to meet him, go ahead, but be prepared for him to be a permanent fixture in your life.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, you should see a therapist to help navigate much of this both emotionally and logistically.

Second, I think given his recent past of not respecting boundaries etc., I would as him to write a letter to you with the details he wants to tell you. Tell him that you would consider corresponding with him by email or letter but that you don't feel comfortable talking to him at the moment.

OP here: I've actually seen a therapist in the past to discuss all my issues with my mom growing up as there is so much more that I resent her for. I may reach out to that person again to discuss all of this. I just find myself getting really sad on and off ever since I received his new message yesterday.

Also to the PP's talking about my paragraph, I apologize. I was typing my main post on my iPhone so it was just easier to get it all out in one paragraph.

[Anonymous]

Your half-siblings can give you a picture of what you might be like if your dad had been involved in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, you should see a therapist to help navigate much of this both emotionally and logistically.

Second, I think given his recent past of not respecting boundaries etc., I would as him to write a letter to you with the details he wants to tell you. Tell him that you would consider corresponding with him by email or letter but that you don't feel comfortable talking to him at the moment.

OP here: I've actually seen a therapist in the past to discuss all my issues with my mom growing up as there is so much more that I resent her for. I may reach out to that person again to discuss all of this. I just find myself getting really sad on and off ever since I received his new message yesterday.

Also to the PP's talking about my paragraph, I apologize. I was typing my main post on my iPhone so it was just easier to get it all out in one paragraph.

PP here - good! Solid first step. I have crazy parental/family issues as well, so I know what you are feeling. I would point out that your anger towards your mom might be reflecting your anger at the situation and your dad than anything else- and we all know kids (even grown ones) tend to be angry at the ones we know love us unconditionally. From an outside perspective, your mom really seemed to do what she thought was right. I'm not sure in her shoes what I would have done differently. So try not to be too angry with her until you really sort things out in your head.

I might help you to write down your feelings about both parents in a journal or letter to them (which you may or may not want to send later on.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your half-siblings can give you a picture of what you might be like if your dad had been involved in your life.

OP here: I've actually Facebooked them out of curiosity. He has three other kids- a girl who is around 20 now and then two boys who I think are around 18 and 15. I found the girl's facebook page and she looks happy/normal? I don't know if I should reach out to her or not. I don't even know if she knows about me and if she doesn't, I feel like that would just be awkward on both ends.