I've never met my real father & I resent my mom for it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So a quick back story-
I am 25 and up until I was 18, I didn't know who my real father was. My mom married my step dad when I was 7 and I have always just considered him my "real father" as he has been in my life since I was 5 and is really the only father I have ever known. When I was 18, I came across a baby book of mine and saw some pictures of me with my real father and it had his name on the back. I asked my mom about him and she was always so vague, just telling me that "he's not a good guy" and that's it. When I was 19, I found him on myspace and we started messaging back and forth and I found out that I have three half siblings. As we talked more and more, he started pretty much bashing my mom and telling me all of these things about how she took me from him, etc. I didn't like the things he was starting to say so I stopped talking to him. Fast forward about 2 years later and he started harassing both my mom and step dad via phone calls. He was calling our house and hanging up and was also calling my dad's business and doing the same. One night, he called our house phone 10+ times and my parent's called the police. Nothing really came about it as he stopped and they officer pretty much just said to tell him to stop or they would press charges. Around that time, my mom told me a bit of a back story about him being arrested multiple times for fraud and how he was a scammer and all of this. A simple google search showed that she was correct and obviously I wanted nothing to do with him. Well about a year ago, he started trying to add me on every social media site that he possibly could. Facebook, twitter, LinkedIn, etc. I block his account but he ends up making new accounts. He sent me a FB message about 9 months ago telling me how I deserve to know the truth and all he wants is a phone call with me, etc. I just ignored it. Now fast forward to yesterday, I woke up to an email saying that again he was trying to add me on FB and when I logged in, I saw that he had messaged me also. The message was pretty much him begging for me to just give him 15 minutes and how now that I am 25, he thinks that I should give him the chance to tell his side of the story and how he raised me for the first 2 years of my life and how he bets I didn't know that, etc. The message really upset me and I called my mom to discuss it with her and she just freaked out on me. She told me how yes, he was around for a year and a half but then was arrested and wanted her to bring me to jail to visit him and all of that but she wasn't going to do that. She told me google him to see all of the things he's done and all of that. I got kind of mad telling her how she has never told me the full story, just bits and pieces and how I am starting to kind of resent her for it. She then tells me that he reached out to her when I was in 8th grade and asked to talk to me and she wouldn't let him. I know he's a bad guy and I shouldn't be bothered by all of this but I am. It's just weird thinking that I have 3 other siblings out there and grandparents and aunts and uncles that I have never met. My mom and I have never had the best relationship (she was very emotionally and psychically abusive growing up) and has always just been about money and status and having everyone know that we have money, etc. and I have always hated it. Our relationship has gotten a little better now that I am older and not living at home but it's still not the relationship I would like. Him messaging me has just made me feel very resentful towards her as I feel like I was held back from knowing a whole family that I've never met. So pretty much the conversation with her ended with her saying he's white trash and that isn't how I grew up and I should be thankful for everything. I'm sorry this is so long but I guess I'm just seeing what other's think. I haven't messaged him back at all and I don't know if I want to but I just can't help but feel sad about everything when I think about it and I'm not too sure what I should do.

He is really, truly showing himself to you. Listen for crying out loud.
My cousin's biological mom was a lot like your bio dad. The minute, and I mean literally the day, she got out of prison after years of confinement was to approach my cousin asking for money. He's showing you his true colors. What you think you'll get out of this is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't read your long post but I am 40, "know" who my father is, know why mom didn't want me to meet him and am ok with her decision. He's a bad guy. Horrible. Really, really bad.
you are prob better off

I am in the same position. I met my father once, when I was 20. Ever since then, I have been grateful that he was out of my life and not in it.

I am posting it just to say that sometimes parents are missing for a reason and meeting them is not always the best (or even a good) thing. Everyone's situation is different.

[Anonymous]

If you are upset with your mom about having withheld certain details from you about your dad, and your dad is reaching out to you multiple times about trying to explain those details, you should probably take him up on the offer and hear him out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are upset with your mom about having withheld certain details from you about your dad, and your dad is reaching out to you multiple times about trying to explain those details, you should probably take him up on the offer and hear him out.

PP here - I will add that you should take what he says with a grain of salt, knowing that in the back of your mind he was not the greatest person nor around while you were growing up but that does sound like some of it had to do with your mom's opinion of him. However, you must know that your mom only had your best interests at heart while you were younger and that he had to have done some actually bad things to shape such a negative opinion that she has of him. So, going into it with all this knowledge, I think you do need to sit down with him and have a chat or two. It will only be beneficial to you in that, even if it is not a constructive conversation, you now know that your mom was "right" about him and that can give you the closure you need if you don't want to speak/associate with him after the fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I want to add one detail you need to think about: he never tried to contact you when you were younger. Chances are he didn't want to be responsible for child support.

OP here: My mom told me that when he contacted her when I was in 8th grade, she told me to pay all of his back child support and then he could see me. In reality, she doesn't need him to do that. She told me that she said that to him to get him to go away because she knew that he never would.

Your "real" dad is the one who raised you. This asshole has shown you a pattern of abuse in every single way possible. Humble yourself, Miss. And, thank your mother for shielding you from being your bio dad's plaything for the last two decades.

Your frivolous, social climbing, money grubbing mother, protected you from a bad, bad man. Can you see that?

That she wanted him to demonstrate his seriousness by stepping up with the child support he owed YOU is a credit to your mother. Your "real" (I mean, how incredibly offensive!) dad wanted to play mind games on a child and your mom prevented that.

You will think back on this and be ashamed of yourself. Your flawed mother did a good thing in keeping him away, as his behavior and record attest. Your attitude stinks of smug ingratitude.

[Anonymous]

I understand that you feel conflicted, OP. And I'm sorry. But I think your biological father has shown his true stripes in his stalking behavior. And what do you know about the three half-siblings? Do they have relationships/live with this man or is he also estranged from them? I understand your curiousity and sense of desire to understand where you came from, but sadly I think you'll regret letting this man into your life if you decide to. If you do communicate with him, you need to set the boundaries immediately. What is off topic to talk about? What will you not tolerate? Myself, I would pay the measly fee to run a background check to determine what you're really dealing with from a criminal standpoint.

[Anonymous]

Gosh. I will have to say we have similar stories. Very similar, but I can't say my mom was abusive. She has her own issues and we've had our share of problems.

I will say this: don't contact your siblings unless you are willing to have a relationship with your father. Realize when you reach out to them you are opening a huge can of worms for them too.

I think your idea of seeing the therapist and working through this with them is a good idea and it will give you some space/time to figure out what you want to do. Don't do a knee jerk reaction to anything which has happened.

For what it's worth, I chose not to see my father or have a relationship with him. I don't have a relationship with my half-brother. We've never met. I figure if he wants to meet me, the door is open, but I'm not going to pursue him or push myself into his life. It's just not fair.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you have your therapist talk to him or talk jointly with the therapist?

Are you sure he didn't pay child support? My husband's ex told his kids he never paid, when he had a huge overpayment (about $10,000 once when he went to court he was not given back and it was all taken via garnishment) and she also got spousal support she forgot to tell them about. Granted, many don't pay but he may have not know where you/she was, he may have justified it with not having a relationship with you (why should he pay child support when he is not allowed to see you).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't be hard on your mom -- she was trying to do the best she could at the time to protect you.

Honestly, I think if you read what you wrote, you will see why she did what she did. He does not sound like a stable person. A stable person does not behave the way he has.

If you want to meet him, go ahead, but be prepared for him to be a permanent fixture in your life.

Your dad sounds like a real jerk, and you are mad at your mom because? You are an ungrateful person. Your father abandoned you with the choices he made. Your mother and stepfather did not. Your father is planning to scam you. If he wanted a relationship, he would have sued for visitation or custody. Just how much child support did he pay your mom? I didn't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. I want to add one detail you need to think about: he never tried to contact you when you were younger. Chances are he didn't want to be responsible for child support.

OP here: My mom told me that when he contacted her when I was in 8th grade, she told me to pay all of his back child support and then he could see me. In reality, she doesn't need him to do that. She told me that she said that to him to get him to go away because she knew that he never would.

Your "real" dad is the one who raised you. This asshole has shown you a pattern of abuse in every single way possible. Humble yourself, Miss. And, thank your mother for shielding you from being your bio dad's plaything for the last two decades.

Your frivolous, social climbing, money grubbing mother, protected you from a bad, bad man. Can you see that?

That she wanted him to demonstrate his seriousness by stepping up with the child support he owed YOU is a credit to your mother. Your "real" (I mean, how incredibly offensive!) dad wanted to play mind games on a child and your mom prevented that.

You will think back on this and be ashamed of yourself. Your flawed mother did a good thing in keeping him away, as his behavior and record attest. Your attitude stinks of smug ingratitude.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you have your therapist talk to him or talk jointly with the therapist?

Are you sure he didn't pay child support? My husband's ex told his kids he never paid, when he had a huge overpayment (about $10,000 once when he went to court he was not given back and it was all taken via garnishment) and she also got spousal support she forgot to tell them about. Granted, many don't pay but he may have not know where you/she was, he may have justified it with not having a relationship with you (why should he pay child support when he is not allowed to see you). [/quote

Parents do not pay to see their kid. The payment is to keep the child fed and clothed. If you do not pay, you are neglecting the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be hard on your mom -- she was trying to do the best she could at the time to protect you.

Honestly, I think if you read what you wrote, you will see why she did what she did. He does not sound like a stable person. A stable person does not behave the way he has.

If you want to meet him, go ahead, but be prepared for him to be a permanent fixture in your life.

Your dad sounds like a real jerk, and you are mad at your mom because? You are an ungrateful person. Your father abandoned you with the choices he made. Your mother and stepfather did not. Your father is planning to scam you. If he wanted a relationship, he would have sued for visitation or custody. Just how much child support did he pay your mom? I didn't think so.

OP here: I really don't think there is a need for you to be snarky/rude. I am not an ungrateful person at all. I am very grateful for the life that I have and I know that wouldn't be possible if my mom hadn't worked her ass off. She had me at 19 so I know that wasn't easy at all and I am very blessed to have grown up in a very wealthy family, go to private schools, etc. However, that isn't even the point. The resentment comes from never knowing the FULL truth. I know the bits and pieces that she has told me but she has never sat down with me and full on told me what actually happened. I get that HE is a bad person and has done horrible things but I want to know the back story on why his side of the family didn't stay in my life, what really happened, etc. etc. etc. THAT is what I am not getting from her. Also, it took him messaging me again for her to admit that he actually reached out when I was in 8th grade and that he actually WAS in my life for two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. I will have to say we have similar stories. Very similar, but I can't say my mom was abusive. She has her own issues and we've had our share of problems.

I will say this: don't contact your siblings unless you are willing to have a relationship with your father. Realize when you reach out to them you are opening a huge can of worms for them too.

I think your idea of seeing the therapist and working through this with them is a good idea and it will give you some space/time to figure out what you want to do. Don't do a knee jerk reaction to anything which has happened.

For what it's worth, I chose not to see my father or have a relationship with him. I don't have a relationship with my half-brother. We've never met. I figure if he wants to meet me, the door is open, but I'm not going to pursue him or push myself into his life. It's just not fair.

OP here: Thank you for your advice! I definitely don't plan on reaching out to my half siblings at this time. I think it would be awful timing and I don't even know if they know about me. I definitely am going to make an appointment with the therapist I have seen in the past and talk about this with him as I think it would be helpful for me. I wish my mom would come along too as I think this would be helpful but she wouldn't even come to any of my other appointments about my resentment towards how she treated me growing up so I won't hold my breath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't be hard on your mom -- she was trying to do the best she could at the time to protect you.

Honestly, I think if you read what you wrote, you will see why she did what she did. He does not sound like a stable person. A stable person does not behave the way he has.

If you want to meet him, go ahead, but be prepared for him to be a permanent fixture in your life.

Your dad sounds like a real jerk, and you are mad at your mom because? You are an ungrateful person. Your father abandoned you with the choices he made. Your mother and stepfather did not. Your father is planning to scam you. If he wanted a relationship, he would have sued for visitation or custody. Just how much child support did he pay your mom? I didn't think so.

OP here: I really don't think there is a need for you to be snarky/rude. I am not an ungrateful person at all. I am very grateful for the life that I have and I know that wouldn't be possible if my mom hadn't worked her ass off. She had me at 19 so I know that wasn't easy at all and I am very blessed to have grown up in a very wealthy family, go to private schools, etc. However, that isn't even the point. The resentment comes from never knowing the FULL truth. I know the bits and pieces that she has told me but she has never sat down with me and full on told me what actually happened. I get that HE is a bad person and has done horrible things but I want to know the back story on why his side of the family didn't stay in my life, what really happened, etc. etc. etc. THAT is what I am not getting from her. Also, it took him messaging me again for her to admit that he actually reached out when I was in 8th grade and that he actually WAS in my life for two years.

Op I can hear the hurt in you voice. I am so so sorry that this has all been so painful for you. It is probably very painful for your mom as well. What happens when you approach her calmly about it and ask if there is a time when she could really tell you the whole story?

She probably feels immense guilt and is trying to protect herself and you by keeping it all hidden- and it comes out as being nasty. Do you guys ever have good heart to heart conversations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that you feel conflicted, OP. And I'm sorry. But I think your biological father has shown his true stripes in his stalking behavior. And what do you know about the three half-siblings? Do they have relationships/live with this man or is he also estranged from them? I understand your curiousity and sense of desire to understand where you came from, but sadly I think you'll regret letting this man into your life if you decide to. If you do communicate with him, you need to set the boundaries immediately. What is off topic to talk about? What will you not tolerate? Myself, I would pay the measly fee to run a background check to determine what you're really dealing with from a criminal standpoint.

OP here: I don't really know much about them at all to be honest. I know that about 6 years ago when I first found out about them, he was in their lives and he was still married to their mom but I don't know if that's the case as of now.

As far as the background check, I honestly don't even need to do that. I have looked up local court records and have seen everything he has been arrested for. Also, a quick google search brings up articles about him being a fraud/scammer. From what I can tell, he was big in the fitness world for a while (was a body builder) and started selling nutritional pills, etc. and apparently scammed a lot of people out of money and never sent them products. He's also been arrested for writing false checks, etc. So this is definitely NOT someone that I want in my life at all but I just have unanswered questions that my mom unfortunately wont answer.