Uncomfortable about staff member at child's school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every parent should read Protecting the Gift.

Looked it up on Amazon, can't find it. Where did you get it?

[Anonymous]

It's on Amazon. Gavin De Becker, Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)

http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1232218158&sr=8-1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every parent should read Protecting the Gift.

That may well be a good recommendation. However, the mere fact of being a parent doesn't give you the right to go into psychotic stalker mode just because you don't like someone's moods. And yes, that is what hiring a PI is - stalker mode. A PP is right: pull your child out of school. You've already made up your mind anyway so just do it. And do harass the poor man to death. Maybe he's depressed because of a death in the family. Maybe his wife left him. Maybe he's ill. Don't be such a lunatic and go making it worse. You obviously don't like him so just leave and leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every parent should read Protecting the Gift.

That may well be a good recommendation. However, the mere fact of being a parent doesn't give you the right to go into psychotic stalker mode just because you don't like someone's moods. And yes, that is what hiring a PI is - stalker mode. A PP is right: pull your child out of school. You've already made up your mind anyway so just do it. And don't harass the poor man to death. Maybe he's depressed because of a death in the family. Maybe his wife left him. Maybe he's ill. Don't be such a lunatic and go making it worse. You obviously don't like him so just leave and leave him alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every parent should read Protecting the Gift.

That may well be a good recommendation. However, the mere fact of being a parent doesn't give you the right to go into psychotic stalker mode just because you don't like someone's moods. And yes, that is what hiring a PI is - stalker mode. A PP is right: pull your child out of school. You've already made up your mind anyway so just do it. And don't harass the poor man to death. Maybe he's depressed because of a death in the family. Maybe his wife left him. Maybe he's ill. Don't be such a lunatic and go making it worse. You obviously don't like him so just leave and leave him alone.

I'm not the OP...I agree that the mere fact of being a parent doesn't give the right to go into psychotic stalker mode...but it does give a parent a right to be concerned and protective of their child. One of the main points of the book is that parents should listen to their intuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not the OP...I agree that the mere fact of being a parent doesn't give the right to go into psychotic stalker mode...but it does give a parent a right to be concerned and protective of their child. One of the main points of the book is that parents should listen to their intuition.

Absolutely. (I'm not the PP you were responding to).

However -- and I'm a big fan of the book -- do remember the main premise of the book, which was that intuition is based on actual, observable phenomenon. that is, when people say "You just can't know about people -- these things just happen" that is usually NOT correct. If your intuition goes off that something is wrong about a person -- then there's a reason for it - or there should be.

If you find yourself repeatedly saying, "Well, you just can't trust people" and "You never know about these things" (as OP has done) then you are not listening to intuition -- you are just listening to fear. And as Gavin Da Becker said, if you are constantly innundating your system with signals from paranoia and fear, you won't be ready to listen when there's a real problem.

In "the Gift of Fear" there was a situation where a woman was petrified of walking to her car in a parking lot after dark each night. I can't remember her rationale, but it was along the lines of "crimes happen in the big city, you just can't know about these things." True, crimeshappen -- but there hadn't been any attacks in her area for quite some time; the parking lot was well lit, she could park quite close to the exit. When she investigated her feelings, she couldn't find anything to to base them on. Her's was not a rational fear. It was paranoia. Turned out, she was just unhappy living in a big city.

Is there a real problem with the staff member at OP's school? I can't tell because I'm not there. But I have repeatedly asked OP if there are any actual THINGS that the staff member has done that she can point to that have been inappropriate -- and she hasn't listed any. As far as I can tell, he just has a depressed demeanor. Which is perfectly good reason for contacting the principal with her concerns, especially if this staff member interacts with children -- but not a good reason for going further on her own, especially with this attitude of "You never can tell WHAT this guy will do...and I can't trust anyone else at the school either".

I suspect OP is very unhappy with her child's school, just as the above woman was very unhappy living in the big city.

OP - I speak from experience here. I had a young child in a school and I observed several things that made my intuition go off. I realized that I didn't trust the teacher and the principal to keep my child safe on a field trip. It was a competence issue: I wasn't concerned about abuse, just did not have basic trust that they could they keep all the children together and not let them get run over by a bus. When I sat down and asked myself if this concern was legitimate or was it paranoia -- I found, it was legitimate. Over the past 3 months, there had been a pattern of incidents that indicated poor supervision was a valid concern. No one thing was a big deal, but taken together -- along with the principal's reaction to each one, which was "These things happen" made it very easy for me to do what I had to do, which was PULL MY KID FROM THE SCHOOL.

[Anonymous]

PP 05:41's answer is superb.

IF OP had listed anything rational for her fears we'd all be more sympathetic, but she hasn't. So she sounds a little paranoid. And she's unwilling to take any of the rational courses of action which treat another human being with respect (i.e., getting to know the teacher and/or talking to the principal). Instead she essentially wants him fired on her say so, and since she knows that can't happen she wants to hire a PI to follow him and dig up something - anything - personal or embarrassing enough to hound him into quitting (if it doesn't justify outright firing). All of which she finds justifiable because she's ostensibly protecting her child.

She's the mommy equivalent of a bunny boiler!

Just because something protects your child doesn't mean it is permissible behavior. By way of example, banning everyone from driving within a 5 mile radius of your house would also protect your child but it's obviously over the line of what normal people do in a sane society. OP's idea is similarly over the line, but she doesn't seem to realize it.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP 21:27. 5:41, your answer is excellent and you are spot on.

[Anonymous]

well said. well said.

op is probably too protective.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if OP's child is in her local public school which would make "just pull them" difficult advice to follow? What ever happened OP?

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. I'm a new poster. You wrote that you don't think that he is the pedophile type. So, then what is the problem? If your child is only around him in a group setting, then I don't think there is a problem if he just acts depressed. It's good for kids to be around all types of personalities -- even depressed ones (as long as he isn't mean or abusive to the kids). If you really think he might "go postal", then if you haven't already, look him up in the Megan's Law registry that they have for each state. And google him. And maybe just casually ask around about him so you can find out more info. You could say "I've noticed "John Smith" seems rather down, I hope he is allright." And perhaps someone might give you some background about him. Perhaps he is going through a divorce?

If you can't find out info. casually, then I don't know then what advice to give. But usually info. comes out in casual conversations.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Oops. It looks like this is an old post, and I've wasted my time.

Update, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Pedophiles are not the only risk to kids. There is always the risk of violence.
It has been some time since I wrote. He is still working there. Seems a bit out of sorts sometimes, which may be due to a lack of confidence. Warming up to staff a bit more, smiles a bit more. I talk to him a lot in an attempt to bring him out. It eases my discomfort a little. He is trying, but that does not mean there is not a diagnosis there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going postal is an American English slang term, used as a verb meaning to suddenly become extremely and uncontrollably angry, possibly to the point of violence. The term derives from a series of incidents from 1983 onward in which United States Postal Service (USPS) workers shot and killed managers, fellow workers, and members of the police or general public. Between 1986 and 1997, more than 40 people were killed in at least 20 incidents of workplace rage. Following this series of events, the idiom entered common parlance and has been applied to murders committed by employees in acts of workplace rage, irrespective of the employer; and generally to describe fits of rage, though not necessarily at the level of murder, in or outside the workplace.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_postal

I worked in a major medical center near one of these incidents on the night it happened. I know that so many people were grieving, but my personal memory is of all these joyful families coming in because their loved one had been notified that an organ had become available for transplant. Our hospital did several transplants; it was quite a night. I still get choked up whenever I think of it. If you would want to be an organ donor should the situation, please have a conversation with your family about it so they know your wishes, and check the little box on your driver's license.

Sorry for hijacking the thread for my public service announcement. . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Pedophiles are not the only risk to kids. There is always the risk of violence.
It has been some time since I wrote. He is still working there. Seems a bit out of sorts sometimes, which may be due to a lack of confidence. Warming up to staff a bit more, smiles a bit more. I talk to him a lot in an attempt to bring him out. It eases my discomfort a little. He is trying, but that does not mean there is not a diagnosis there.

Thanks for the update, OP. I did read this thread originally, but have forgotten a lot of it. Was Aspergers ever mentioned? Your original post sounds like the guy could be an Aspie (which is harmless to others). But people with Aspergers can be very disengaged, emotionally flat, etc.