Uncomfortable about staff member at child's school.

[Anonymous]

Race is a red-herring, here, people -- let's not get distracted. 8:26 and 8:46 have raised some very valid points, ones that occurred to me, as well, as I read this thread. I'm having trouble grasping what, exactly, OP is seeing that is so worrisome and why she trusts no one to help her address the problem (other than a PI).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a staff member at my child's school who makes me uncomfortable. So much that I am reluctant to bring it to the attention of the staff for fear of retaliation. He just seems very depressed and distant. No telling what else is going on. It does not seem to be a good fit around kids. I see him as the going post office type. Does NOT strike me as the pedofile type, so that is not the issue (I think).
Anyway, I was thinking of taking my own money and getting a PI to look closer at this gentleman, in case there is something the school is missing.
Does this seem like a nutty approach?

NOT striking you as the peodphile type strikes me as code for Black. Given that your first instinct is that he will "go postal" means violence = Black man. I sure hope I'm wrong here but on the off chance that I'm not, have you ever had a conversation with him?

This is really confusing to me -- do you mean you assume he's African American? If so, most mass murderers who "go postal" are overwhelmingly white, so I'm not getting the connection.

No! I'm saying I assume he is black based on how her post is written AND because she is overreacting like most people who are afraid of Black people.

That's a very odd assumption.

How so? I think she is suspicious BECAUSE he is Black or some race/ethnic group other than white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. There are certain boundaries of acceptable behavior when you have concerns about your child's safety -- but yes... there ARE boundaries. You cannot justify any action that makes you feel better just on the reasoning that "its my child's safety at risk". And frankly, some of the reasons for those boundaries involve your OWN (and your child's) safety.

It is completely inappropriate to hire a PI. If you don't trust the guy, and can't get past it, you talk to the principal, or you MOVE. End of story. Responsible people (HR managers, Principals, etc.) do not fire their employees based on unsupported hunches from parents/employees. When you bring specific facts to someone's attention (which you don't have here), then they have a DUTY to investigate the situation. And yes, sometimes the accuser's identity cannot be kept confidential.

Perhaps just as important, you don't want to give potentially unbalanced people a reason to hate you. And hiring a PI and delving into their personal life most certainly is a good way to make someone "postal" if they find out. Deal with people in a professional and compassionate way, and you mostly don't need to worry. If you find a real nut job, slip quietly off into the sunset.

Frankly, your instincts on this are so out of line (in my book), that I think you may benefit from some counseling.

ITA. OP has made a very dramatic yet also very vague allegation here and seems a bit paranoid frankly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a staff member at my child's school who makes me uncomfortable. So much that I am reluctant to bring it to the attention of the staff for fear of retaliation. He just seems very depressed and distant. No telling what else is going on. It does not seem to be a good fit around kids. I see him as the going post office type. Does NOT strike me as the pedofile type, so that is not the issue (I think).
Anyway, I was thinking of taking my own money and getting a PI to look closer at this gentleman, in case there is something the school is missing.
Does this seem like a nutty approach?

NOT striking you as the peodphile type strikes me as code for Black. Given that your first instinct is that he will "go postal" means violence = Black man. I sure hope I'm wrong here but on the off chance that I'm not, have you ever had a conversation with him?

This is really confusing to me -- do you mean you assume he's African American? If so, most mass murderers who "go postal" are overwhelmingly white, so I'm not getting the connection.

No! I'm saying I assume he is black based on how her post is written AND because she is overreacting like most people who are afraid of Black people.

That's a very odd assumption.

How so? I think she is suspicious BECAUSE he is Black or some race/ethnic group other than white.

Because I think YOU are the only one here linking a potential for violence with someone's race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I will not write anything about race. The stereotyping that I am doing is WRT gender. Yes, men are more likely to be violent against children. So if it were a woman, it would not concern me as much. Any man around schools gets attention, and when they display behavior that is less than positive, it is concerning. I doubt that the school would do a thing if I complained, the best that could come of it would be reassurance.
BTW, I did know someone who was later found to be a pedophile, and I did not suspect him. So, you never know.
The reason that I said that he did not seem like a pedophile, is that he seems disinterested in the children. It had nothing to do with race.

So what exactly is your complaint about this staff member? That he seems depressed, and is disinterested in children?

What makes you think he will be violent to the children or staff at the school? You are concerned he will "go postal" (i.e. shoot up the school) or kill YOU or take it out on your child if you get him fired and then he finds out it was you who complained about it.

What has he done that leads you to this violent possibility?

[Anonymous]

I am not the poster who initially asked about his race. I did post a follow asking the OP to just tell us. I notice she hasn't responded. I am wondering if the suspicions of PP, that this is an undercover racial thing, may be valid.

The PP who brought up race ALSO made some valid points.

Not saying other posters didn't also have valid points. Just saying the issue may be a factor in play here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a very odd assumption.

How so? I think she is suspicious BECAUSE he is Black or some race/ethnic group other than white.

Because I think YOU are the only one here linking a potential for violence with someone's race.

Nope!!! I repeat. I think she is overreacting because he is a race or ethnic group different from her own. Can't be anymore clear than that. Notice how she refuses to give his race or ethnic group. I am a Black woman and I see this ALL the time. If the staff member in question were white, this would not even be a thread on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why - in this day and time - that race is still such a "red herring". It's the reason why we can overcome it because we refuse to discuss it. I don't think that OP is racist or mean or a horrible person if she is judging the staff member harshly because he may be of a different race or ethnic group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why - in this day and time - that race is still such a "red herring". It's the reason why we can overcome it because we refuse to discuss it. I don't think that OP is racist or mean or a horrible person if she is judging the staff member harshly because he may be of a different race or ethnic group.

Sigh. I said race was a "red herring" because in this case I think it's clear that OP is a little loopy, and the discussion about whether she's a racist is getting us away from that primary point. Of course race is still an issue in our society, and of course we need to discuss it. I just think in this case it's a distraction from the larger point that OP wants to hire a PI to investigate someone because she has baseless suspicions that the guy is going to shoot the place up and feels she can trust no one at the school to handle it without reprisals. We're letting her off the hook by turning this into a discussion about race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a very odd assumption.

How so? I think she is suspicious BECAUSE he is Black or some race/ethnic group other than white.

Because I think YOU are the only one here linking a potential for violence with someone's race.

Nope!!! I repeat. I think she is overreacting because he is a race or ethnic group different from her own. Can't be anymore clear than that. Notice how she refuses to give his race or ethnic group. I am a Black woman and I see this ALL the time. If the staff member in question were white, this would not even be a thread on DCUM.

I see nothing in her posts that would indicate the person was a different race than her. I see no logical nexus between her saying the man was "not the pedophile type" and your wondering if that's some sort of "code" for black.

And by saying it was race, you minimize what every woman should pay very close attention to, and that's her intuition. Granted, hiring a PI is a little over the top, IMO, but if someone thinks their kid is at risk, they should honor those feelings.

[Anonymous]

OP--don't know if you're lurking or responding to this thread. Do you know how long this person has been at you DC's school? And, you didn't mention if this was a preschool or elementary school--I think this matters b/c younger children are more trusting of individuals.

[Anonymous]

OP, here, I lost interest in the responses after the race thing.
Anyway, I have always been cautious about adults around kids. If I were ever to fire a baby sitter (never had to), I would not allow that person to be in contact with my child again, no two weeks notice. You never know.
I have been working for 20 years and have seen two major HR or management screw ups with these types of issues. People sometimes don't think. They might accidentally give info. that could point to one person.
I am talking about elementary aged kids. They can't defend themselves, they rely on us adults.
I do not think the PI thing is way over the top. I know one, and he gets called for tons of things. In addition, I will feel out a teacher who seems to have good judgement.
I would recommend that it is not in any parent's interest to be polite, and ignore quirks or strange moods when it comes to adults your kids will be in contact with. I am sure that everyone has a list of adults that they don't want their kids around. Nothing to be ashamed of.
People that work with kids should know that they are being watched by the parents. Every job has its downside. This young man might need to learn that. Depression is no crime, but I am looking beyond laws, but just at how he makes me feel.


I thank those who gave constructive comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, here, I lost interest in the responses after the race thing.
Anyway, I have always been cautious about adults around kids. If I were ever to fire a baby sitter (never had to), I would not allow that person to be in contact with my child again, no two weeks notice. You never know.
I have been working for 20 years and have seen two major HR or management screw ups with these types of issues. People sometimes don't think. They might accidentally give info. that could point to one person.
I am talking about elementary aged kids. They can't defend themselves, they rely on us adults.
I do not think the PI thing is way over the top. I know one, and he gets called for tons of things. In addition, I will feel out a teacher who seems to have good judgement.
I would recommend that it is not in any parent's interest to be polite, and ignore quirks or strange moods when it comes to adults your kids will be in contact with. I am sure that everyone has a list of adults that they don't want their kids around. Nothing to be ashamed of.
People that work with kids should know that they are being watched by the parents. Every job has its downside. This young man might need to learn that. Depression is no crime, but I am looking beyond laws, but just at how he makes me feel.


I thank those who gave constructive comments.

OP - No one is saying you should ignore some quirks and "strange moods". If you child's teacher has some quirks and strange moods that make you uncomfortable, you have every right to go talk to the teacher. One poster even gave you great advice on exactly what to say and how to phrase it.

But you don't want to do that, because you have in 20 years, seen people go to the HR department, and then HR lets it slip who compained and then... the guy "went postal" and killed everyone. Or anyhow, that kind of stuff can happen. You never know about people. So you don't want to go to the principal, you don't want to ask around and see if anyone else has a problem with this teacher or staff member -- you want to get some PI to go and sniff around and see if he can find some reason for this guys quirks -- so you can get him fired that way.

Meanwhile -- while all this investigating of this man is going to be going on, is your child is still going to be in his classroom? (or if the man is a janitor or somehting -- the child will still be in the school?)

Look -- you are concerned that you will go to the principal and your worries will be minimized and excused away. Is there ANYTHING that the principal could say that would make you feel OK with this man at the school? My sense is no. He gives you the heebie jeebies, and you want him gone. Realistically you know there's no way you can get him fired. That's why you are hoping a PI will find some dirt on him -- something the principal missed when he got hired.

So in essence, you HAVE given your two weeks notice. You do not trust the principal to listen to your concerns. You do not trust their HR department or equivalent to have done a good job of hiring and background checks. Why keep your child there? You know you don't like this teacher. Pull your kid out of the school.

[Anonymous]

OP - No one is saying you should ignore some quirks and "strange moods". If you child's teacher has some quirks and strange moods that make you uncomfortable, you have every right to go talk to the teacher.

correction -- I meant principal.

[Anonymous]

Every parent should read Protecting the Gift.