In laws sent one of our two children a valentines gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your agony, OP. I would tell your DH to speak with the grandparents and ask them to send a small toy to your son if they are going to send flowers to your daughter.

But I agree that sending roses to a preschooler is crazy! I'm sure she has no interest in them! Why don't they send toys to both kids?? Sexism starts early.

Why can't OP tell her ILs directly?

I hate that crap of having to go through the husband to get to the ILs. OP's a big girl. If she's pissed, she should handle it.

Yes, indeed sexism starts early, eh? How ironic . . .

It's each spouse's responsibility to deal with his or her own parents. It doesn't mean OP isn't a big girl. It means husband has to be man enough to do his job and deal with his parents if they need dealing with. Not just in this case but any case. And if there's an issue with the wife's parents, she deals with it. All the posts on here from people with in-law troubles could be lessened if their spouses just dealt with their own parents.

Is this some unwritten rule or something? I disagree because I think it actually makes things worse to have spouses intervene when it is not really necessary. IME, the in-laws then take on the added posture of "DIL (or SIL) is trying to turn my child against me!" Besides that, if you want your PIL to respect you, you have to demand the respect. Putting your spouse up to fight YOUR battle won't get it done - IL's KNOW whose battle it is. If it is something your spouse is bothered by (and OP's situation WOULD bother my spouse) then, sure, he should address it with his parents. But if is something that you are pissed about and it is not an issue for him, then putting him in the middle of a dispute betwween 2 adults is unfair to him. Trust me, the IL's know what is what. I see doing it if you are newly married, but by a couple years in, folks should be fighting their own battles.

Honestly, I have seen very few women who will go head up with their parents (especially their dad) on DH's behalf. So I do think there is a double standard also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your agony, OP. I would tell your DH to speak with the grandparents and ask them to send a small toy to your son if they are going to send flowers to your daughter.

But I agree that sending roses to a preschooler is crazy! I'm sure she has no interest in them! Why don't they send toys to both kids?? Sexism starts early.

Why can't OP tell her ILs directly?

I hate that crap of having to go through the husband to get to the ILs. OP's a big girl. If she's pissed, she should handle it.

Yes, indeed sexism starts early, eh? How ironic . . .

It's each spouse's responsibility to deal with his or her own parents. It doesn't mean OP isn't a big girl. It means husband has to be man enough to do his job and deal with his parents if they need dealing with. Not just in this case but any case. And if there's an issue with the wife's parents, she deals with it. All the posts on here from people with in-law troubles could be lessened if their spouses just dealt with their own parents.

Is this some unwritten rule or something? I disagree because I think it actually makes things worse to have spouses intervene when it is not really necessary. IME, the in-laws then take on the added posture of "DIL (or SIL) is trying to turn my child against me!" Besides that, if you want your PIL to respect you, you have to demand the respect. Putting your spouse up to fight YOUR battle won't get it done - IL's KNOW whose battle it is. If it is something your spouse is bothered by (and OP's situation WOULD bother my spouse) then, sure, he should address it with his parents. But if is something that you are pissed about and it is not an issue for him, then putting him in the middle of a dispute betwween 2 adults is unfair to him. Trust me, the IL's know what is what. I see doing it if you are newly married, but by a couple years in, folks should be fighting their own battles.

Honestly, I have seen very few women who will go head up with their parents (especially their dad) on DH's behalf. So I do think there is a double standard also.

It's pathetic that any of us should have to think of in-law relationships as "fighting battles" in the first place.

But if you read posts all over DCUM you'll see that there's a constant drumbeat of "I have issue X with my in-laws" and the entire post will go on and on without ever mentioning the spouse -- the in-laws' own adult child-- even once. Or the posts will say "My husband/wife doesn't want to offend his/her parents" or "is non-confrontational and doesn't want to get involved."

I think that's nothing but the spouse being a spineless kid scared to act like an adult toward mom or dad. It's not "putting your spouse up to fight YOUR battle" -- it should be about your spouse WANTING to have a role in good relations between his or her own parents and the person he or she chose to live with for life. But so often the posts indicate that the spouse is simply AWOL the moment that mom and dad have an issue with their spouse or vice versa. That's reverting to being a child and not stepping up to say, "I'm not as pissed about this issue as you are, husband or wife, but it IS an issue for me if you and my parents aren't getting along."

Just sick of posts on DCUM where one spouse whines about the in-laws while the in-laws' own child retreats, saying "Not my problem!" Yeah, the spouse and in-laws can handle it, settle it, or hate each other forever, without the adult child getting in the middle. But in some cases, that would leave a lot of resentment on spouse's part that husband or wife didn't at least care enough to say, "If you're upset, I'm upset too." ANd yes, the spouses should have each others' backs first and foremost most of the time. They chose each other and should make good on that commitment. They didn't choose their parents. But too often when conflicts start, people "choose" their parents by default, by staying silent and on the sidelines in the name of "You're all adults, you work it out, I'm scared to make either 'side' mad."

I"m not talking about dumb little things like roses for a preschooler here, but the many more serious in-law issues that get posted. The OP on this thread can deal with it herself though if I were her, I'd sure feel glad if my husband bothered to get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your agony, OP. I would tell your DH to speak with the grandparents and ask them to send a small toy to your son if they are going to send flowers to your daughter.

But I agree that sending roses to a preschooler is crazy! I'm sure she has no interest in them! Why don't they send toys to both kids?? Sexism starts early.

Why can't OP tell her ILs directly?

I hate that crap of having to go through the husband to get to the ILs. OP's a big girl. If she's pissed, she should handle it.

Yes, indeed sexism starts early, eh? How ironic . . .

It's each spouse's responsibility to deal with his or her own parents. It doesn't mean OP isn't a big girl. It means husband has to be man enough to do his job and deal with his parents if they need dealing with. Not just in this case but any case. And if there's an issue with the wife's parents, she deals with it. All the posts on here from people with in-law troubles could be lessened if their spouses just dealt with their own parents.

Is this some unwritten rule or something? I disagree because I think it actually makes things worse to have spouses intervene when it is not really necessary. IME, the in-laws then take on the added posture of "DIL (or SIL) is trying to turn my child against me!" Besides that, if you want your PIL to respect you, you have to demand the respect. Putting your spouse up to fight YOUR battle won't get it done - IL's KNOW whose battle it is. If it is something your spouse is bothered by (and OP's situation WOULD bother my spouse) then, sure, he should address it with his parents. But if is something that you are pissed about and it is not an issue for him, then putting him in the middle of a dispute betwween 2 adults is unfair to him. Trust me, the IL's know what is what. I see doing it if you are newly married, but by a couple years in, folks should be fighting their own battles.

Honestly, I have seen very few women who will go head up with their parents (especially their dad) on DH's behalf. So I do think there is a double standard also.

It's pathetic that any of us should have to think of in-law relationships as "fighting battles" in the first place.

But if you read posts all over DCUM you'll see that there's a constant drumbeat of "I have issue X with my in-laws" and the entire post will go on and on without ever mentioning the spouse -- the in-laws' own adult child-- even once. Or the posts will say "My husband/wife doesn't want to offend his/her parents" or "is non-confrontational and doesn't want to get involved."

I think that's nothing but the spouse being a spineless kid scared to act like an adult toward mom or dad. It's not "putting your spouse up to fight YOUR battle" -- it should be about your spouse WANTING to have a role in good relations between his or her own parents and the person he or she chose to live with for life. But so often the posts indicate that the spouse is simply AWOL the moment that mom and dad have an issue with their spouse or vice versa. That's reverting to being a child and not stepping up to say, "I'm not as pissed about this issue as you are, husband or wife, but it IS an issue for me if you and my parents aren't getting along."

Just sick of posts on DCUM where one spouse whines about the in-laws while the in-laws' own child retreats, saying "Not my problem!" Yeah, the spouse and in-laws can handle it, settle it, or hate each other forever, without the adult child getting in the middle. But in some cases, that would leave a lot of resentment on spouse's part that husband or wife didn't at least care enough to say, "If you're upset, I'm upset too." ANd yes, the spouses should have each others' backs first and foremost most of the time. They chose each other and should make good on that commitment. They didn't choose their parents. But too often when conflicts start, people "choose" their parents by default, by staying silent and on the sidelines in the name of "You're all adults, you work it out, I'm scared to make either 'side' mad."

I"m not talking about dumb little things like roses for a preschooler here, but the many more serious in-law issues that get posted. The OP on this thread can deal with it herself though if I were her, I'd sure feel glad if my husband bothered to get involved.

PP here. I understand your reasoning. I really do. When we have issues with my folks, I handle them. But having been that spouse in the middle for a time, let me just share my personal observations. I realize that these are not applicable to everyone, but they have shaped my opinion on the issue.

(1) In many instances, I thought that my spouse was being unreasonable but I was still expected to "have his back" with my parents. So many times, I was advocating his position when I honestly did not agree with it.
(2) Related to (1), when my DH saw that I was going to carry his water for him with my parents, then every little thing became an issue. In retrospect, I think that if he had to "fight the battle" himself with my parents, he would have been more reasonable in the fights he picked.
(3) I know a lot of women have this romantic notion of "it is our little family unit against the world." Personally, unless the IL's are just off the chain crazy, I do think that spouse should encourage her/his spouse's positive relationship with his/her parents. I certainly do not think that is appropriate for a spouse to create drama in the relationship for no good reason. Me and my parents would argue about his issues and he was nowhere around.
(4) Family dynamics play a part also. In my view, individuals in a family should be able to address concerns amongst each other without "lawyering up" with other members of the family.

My parents were slow to embrace him because all of his concerns were addressed through me. My parents saw that it stressed me out and they resented him for it. Heck, even if we agreed on our issue with my parents, I was the one delivering the message. My family's mantra was that if he had issues with them, he is family and should feel free to address them. I just think that a lof of DIL's put up these barriers by sending the spouse over.

[Anonymous]

If the son have him get on the phone and ask about the flowers. It will be funny coming from a four year old. My In-laws send a card to my daughter as well as a note and only a card to my son. My son let them know of their "mistake" without prompting from us.

[Anonymous]

If the son is old enough above....sorry for the typo.