In laws sent one of our two children a valentines gift

[Anonymous]

I understand your agony, OP. I would tell your DH to speak with the grandparents and ask them to send a small toy to your son if they are going to send flowers to your daughter.

But I agree that sending roses to a preschooler is crazy! I'm sure she has no interest in them! Why don't they send toys to both kids?? Sexism starts early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ache for your boy? Melodramatic much? iLs are dolts but get over it; buy a little gift for your son and forget about it. Everyone will survive.

+1. I think we all need to teach a bit of resiliency. And you need to develop a bit, too.

[Anonymous]

They see it as a girly holiday.

Just have your DH talk to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Throw the card out and tell the kids that the grand-parents sent it for whichever parent is their child, or throw them away completely.

Tell the grandparents that they have to treat both kids equally. Give them both something or give them both nothing.

No arguments and no exceptions.

Or toss the card and tell them it is for both of them or for the whole family.

[Anonymous]

My IL's do the exact same thing...every year. My advice is just tell your kids it is for both of them. I'm not sure there is a point to having DH speak to his parents; my guess is if they are doing something like this in the first place, it won't make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Instead of ignoring it, I would TELL the grandparents (either you or DH), otherwise you have years of frustration ahead of you.

"Thanks for the flowers. We told the kids they were a family gift because it's sexist and unfair for DD to receive something on Valentine's Day and not DS. You know at school they all receive a card and candy."

Don't be afraid of throwing the big words out there - you can't expect them to understand your point if you don't make it clear. You're the parents, and you have a measure of control now while they're little on how family members treat your children.

[Anonymous]

I would have normally said OP was nuts, until I had a kid and see how unbelievably nuts they go for Valentine's Day. It's a full blown holiday in their world (fueled by the preschools - I look forward to next year when the public school puts a damper on it). So we're all looking at it like, "get over it, it's a female holiday, who cares." The kids care, they really do!

[Anonymous]

I would give them a gift each and tell them that the flowers were for whole family to enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would toss the card and split the flowers. And I would have your DH mention that they need to be considerate of both children in the future.

This. It would be ok for them only to send the flowers to your DD if she were a teen and up. But preschoolers don't understand, so they should have sent something for your DS as well.

[Anonymous]

Yeah OP fix it for this year (because they are little and it's easy to cover up--just say the flowers are for both kids) but you and/or DH have to address it now for the future. But I think it's good to be kind when you address them, because they probably see it as a girl holiday. If this were Christmas, that would be another story.

[Anonymous]

I would throw out card and tell dc the flowers are for both.

I would have both write "thank you for the flowers" (on the same card) and both sign it.

I would then file the experience under grandparent oversight and not think about it again .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would throw out card and tell dc the flowers are for both.

I would have both write "thank you for the flowers" (on the same card) and both sign it.

I would then file the experience under grandparent oversight and not think about it again .

This is a good approach. Do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would throw out card and tell dc the flowers are for both.

I would have both write "thank you for the flowers" (on the same card) and both sign it.

I would then file the experience under grandparent oversight and not think about it again .

This is a good approach. Do this.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand your agony, OP. I would tell your DH to speak with the grandparents and ask them to send a small toy to your son if they are going to send flowers to your daughter.

But I agree that sending roses to a preschooler is crazy! I'm sure she has no interest in them! Why don't they send toys to both kids?? Sexism starts early.

Why can't OP tell her ILs directly?

I hate that crap of having to go through the husband to get to the ILs. OP's a big girl. If she's pissed, she should handle it.

Yes, indeed sexism starts early, eh? How ironic . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would throw out card and tell dc the flowers are for both.

I would have both write "thank you for the flowers" (on the same card) and both sign it.

I would then file the experience under grandparent oversight and not think about it again .

This is a good approach. Do this.

+2

+3

And as for the people posting about OP's "agony" (seriously?? "Agony"?) about this, and those saying for OP to lecture the grandparents on sexism and snark at them about "You KNOW that in school they ALL get Valentines" and so on -- Get real.

Too many people on DCUM never think about the fact that there are differences between the generations. Unless these are very young grandparents, they think of Valentine's as a holiday where girls and women get flowers, and men and boys give flowers, end of story.

Of course it would have been the "done thing" today to send both kids something, but generationally, that's not always how older people think. If they were kindly told, "Thanks for the flowers! Both kids enjoyed them a lot -- Sam likes Valentine's as much as Sally and they're both sending you a thank-you note," that is sufficient. No anti-sexism lectures necessary, no finger-wagging about "You ought to know better" and so on. The grandparents' generational take on Valentine's celebration is not an excuse for them to give one kid something and another nothing, but it IS an explanation, and one that parents on these forums never seem to take into account. These grandparents weren't out to be mean intentionally to the boy. They likely just thought it would be cute to send flowers to a girl because in their experience, flowers are FOR girls. They also likely would be mortified with themselves if they realized that they were expected to send things to both kids. Sounds like OP and others here would be glad to mortify them, as if they committed some huge infraction. Geez.

OP, please ramp down the indignation. This is not necessarily the thin end of the wedge; they aren't going to start dissing your son regularly. Will you be equally angry when, for instance, it's baseball season, your son loves baseball, and they want to take him but not her to a game with them? Or when grandma wants to take her out for a movie that daughter would espeically like, daughter comes home with a gift but doesn't bring one for her brother too? Siblings do not have to have exactly everything, exactly the same, at exactly the same time. They're not joined at the hip.