In laws sent one of our two children a valentines gift

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your agony, OP. I would tell your DH to speak with the grandparents and ask them to send a small toy to your son if they are going to send flowers to your daughter.

But I agree that sending roses to a preschooler is crazy! I'm sure she has no interest in them! Why don't they send toys to both kids?? Sexism starts early.

Why can't OP tell her ILs directly?

I hate that crap of having to go through the husband to get to the ILs. OP's a big girl. If she's pissed, she should handle it.

Yes, indeed sexism starts early, eh? How ironic . . .

It's each spouse's responsibility to deal with his or her own parents. It doesn't mean OP isn't a big girl. It means husband has to be man enough to do his job and deal with his parents if they need dealing with. Not just in this case but any case. And if there's an issue with the wife's parents, she deals with it. All the posts on here from people with in-law troubles could be lessened if their spouses just dealt with their own parents.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the rush to judgement of the IL. Wouldn't it most sense to call them up and have a conversation about the flowers and ask what their thinking is and remind them of the competitive nature of children before making a decision on how to proceed?

[Anonymous]

PP - that is a reasonable way to proceed for reasonable people, but depending on ILs, it may not work and cause more problems. My ILs (namely MIL) is like this. She tells my younger DS that she wishes he were a girl every time she sees him (b/c she has 3 other grandsons). Sexism. I've tried to ask her to stop saying this but she looks at me like I'm crazy and will continue. She has been doing this since she found out I was having a boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would throw out card and tell dc the flowers are for both.

I would have both write "thank you for the flowers" (on the same card) and both sign it.

I would then file the experience under grandparent oversight and not think about it again .

This is a good approach. Do this.

+2

+3

And as for the people posting about OP's "agony" (seriously?? "Agony"?) about this, and those saying for OP to lecture the grandparents on sexism and snark at them about "You KNOW that in school they ALL get Valentines" and so on -- Get real.

Too many people on DCUM never think about the fact that there are differences between the generations. Unless these are very young grandparents, they think of Valentine's as a holiday where girls and women get flowers, and men and boys give flowers, end of story.

Of course it would have been the "done thing" today to send both kids something, but generationally, that's not always how older people think. If they were kindly told, "Thanks for the flowers! Both kids enjoyed them a lot -- Sam likes Valentine's as much as Sally and they're both sending you a thank-you note," that is sufficient. No anti-sexism lectures necessary, no finger-wagging about "You ought to know better" and so on. The grandparents' generational take on Valentine's celebration is not an excuse for them to give one kid something and another nothing, but it IS an explanation, and one that parents on these forums never seem to take into account. These grandparents weren't out to be mean intentionally to the boy. They likely just thought it would be cute to send flowers to a girl because in their experience, flowers are FOR girls. They also likely would be mortified with themselves if they realized that they were expected to send things to both kids. Sounds like OP and others here would be glad to mortify them, as if they committed some huge infraction. Geez.

OP, please ramp down the indignation. This is not necessarily the thin end of the wedge; they aren't going to start dissing your son regularly. Will you be equally angry when, for instance, it's baseball season, your son loves baseball, and they want to take him but not her to a game with them? Or when grandma wants to take her out for a movie that daughter would espeically like, daughter comes home with a gift but doesn't bring one for her brother too? Siblings do not have to have exactly everything, exactly the same, at exactly the same time. They're not joined at the hip.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is in her mid70s and she has enough sense to send a card and candy to both our son and daughter. Sorry, grandparents don't get a pass on manners and common sense because they are old.

[Anonymous]

First of all, did you tell DD they were for her only? If so, at their ages you actually created the drama.

Secondly, call grandparents and tell them exactly what PP said - if they are going to send a gift to one child could they please make it for both and not use gender as the dividing line. Just remind them at the kids' ages they do not see Valentine's Day as a gender specific event and DS's feelings would be hurt if his grandparents appeared to favor his sister.

[Anonymous]

I am sure your kids saw modeled that you bought flowers for your husband if he bought flowers for you so you aren't reinforcing this sexism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is in her mid70s and she has enough sense to send a card and candy to both our son and daughter. Sorry, grandparents don't get a pass on manners and common sense because they are old.

10:10 here. I never said that "old folks get a pass on manners and common sense" at all. Just that some folks in older generations might think of things differently from today's parents, such as thinking flowers are something men give women and not vice versa. That is not bad manners, it's just a different way of doing things than we would use today. It's not an excuse but it is an explanation. OP needs to get over the excessive anger at this silly oversight; her daughter will only be scarred for life by this if OP makes a stink about it by throwing a hissy fit and branding the in-laws with a scarlet S for Sexists as some posters would have her do.

If anything, the manners are missing in today's parents who never cut their elders even one bit of slack, and who always instantly assume the worst about in-laws or their own parents for even the most innocent "infractions" of today's perfect and inviolable parenting standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - that is a reasonable way to proceed for reasonable people, but depending on ILs, it may not work and cause more problems. My ILs (namely MIL) is like this. She tells my younger DS that she wishes he were a girl every time she sees him (b/c she has 3 other grandsons). Sexism. I've tried to ask her to stop saying this but she looks at me like I'm crazy and will continue. She has been doing this since she found out I was having a boy.

That's really mean. . How dies she think that makes your son feel?? Why doesn't your spouse tell her to knock it off??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP - that is a reasonable way to proceed for reasonable people, but depending on ILs, it may not work and cause more problems. My ILs (namely MIL) is like this. She tells my younger DS that she wishes he were a girl every time she sees him (b/c she has 3 other grandsons). Sexism. I've tried to ask her to stop saying this but she looks at me like I'm crazy and will continue. She has been doing this since she found out I was having a boy.

My husband's grandmother called my husband to tell him it was ok to be disappointed when we found out our first was a girl. Her first words when we told everyone about our second pregnancy were: "I hope this one is a boy." I feel like one of Henry VIII's wives.

[Anonymous]

Tell the kids the flowers are for them both. Then thank the grandparents for sending flowers to "the kids." Maybe they'll get the hint?

[Anonymous]

I think this is a beautiful gesture. It's old school chivalry. My grandfather and my father in law only send flowers/chocolates to the women. My DH doesn't get anything and it's his parents sending to me.

[Anonymous]

I had this happen to me OP when I was little. My Grandmother only sent gifts to my brother (she valued men) and it always hurt my feelings and made me feel rejected. You should address the issue.

[Anonymous]

I always received things for Valentines day as a child and my brothers did not. I don't know that it every bothered them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your agony, OP. I would tell your DH to speak with the grandparents and ask them to send a small toy to your son if they are going to send flowers to your daughter.

But I agree that sending roses to a preschooler is crazy! I'm sure she has no interest in them! Why don't they send toys to both kids?? Sexism starts early.

Why can't OP tell her ILs directly?

I hate that crap of having to go through the husband to get to the ILs. OP's a big girl. If she's pissed, she should handle it.
Yes, indeed sexism starts early, eh? How ironic . . .

I say the same thing on almost every MIL thread that I join. LOL