Speechless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like bullying - I hate how that word gets thrown around.

It sounds to me like they were having fun, got carried away, and went too far. Help your daughter clean up, talk about it a little, then let it go.

PP, that's SO funny how you just dismissed OP's daughter's feelings.


It wasn't funny to her, so it's NOT having fun. It's mean behavior. And if it's mean, time to intervene.

These girls were most likely not intending to bully. It was a prank and they totally mis-fired. Just because she felt bullied doesn't make it so. The girls owe her an apology for hurting her feelings no doubt. But getting your feelings hurt (and rightfully so) does not make it bullying. Dear lord, they're a bunch of dumb kids.

PP, why are you so hung up on the term "bullying"? It doesn't matter. Fine it's not bullying. Find it is bullying. The important piece here is that their actions caused someone's feelings to be hurt in a significant way. They thought it was okay to do something to another person's body when she had no way of saying no. That decision needs to be addressed in a serious way. It's not okay and it shouldn't be dismissed as a silly prank.

[Anonymous]

I was the ganged-up-on girl. I was always too ashamed to tell my parents and I think I'd have never lived it down if my mom made a huge deal of it. I understand DD was upset and overwhelmed overnight -- but please take her lead in what to do and try hard not to overreact. It won't do her any favors.

But maybe a mother-daughter spa day to shake it off. Either DIY or out, depending on budget, etc.

[Anonymous]

You should also find out if these girls took pictures of your daughter. Do they have instagram accounts? Have the pics been posted to social media accounts? Twitter, snapchat,Facebook, etc? If they took pictures, I would definitely say this is bullying. If not, it could be a silly prank gone wrong and the girls need to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should also find out if these girls took pictures of your daughter. Do they have instagram accounts? Have the pics been posted to social media accounts? Twitter, snapchat,Facebook, etc? If they took pictures, I would definitely say this is bullying. If not, it could be a silly prank gone wrong and the girls need to talk about it.

Excellent point!

[Anonymous]

Rules of the sleepover (at least when I grew up late 70s/early. 80s): never fall asleep first.

However, if was just a few close friends this was out of line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like bullying - I hate how that word gets thrown around.

It sounds to me like they were having fun, got carried away, and went too far. Help your daughter clean up, talk about it a little, then let it go.

PP, that's SO funny how you just dismissed OP's daughter's feelings.


It wasn't funny to her, so it's NOT having fun. It's mean behavior. And if it's mean, time to intervene.

Maybe you have younger children, but your advice here is absolutely wrong. You do not intervene everytime someone is mean to your child. At this age, the child MUST learn how to handle things herself. Are you going to intervene when someone is mean to your child in high school? In college? The only way she will learn is if she has practice.

I do agree that OP's DD should be validated. I think what PP was saying was that its possible the other girls thought this was a light hearted, fun joke. They were wrong, obviously, because OP's DD's was hurt. but its possible they didn't see that coming and will feel remorse. That would be the best outcome. And it won't happen if Mama Bear calls out the other parents.

[Anonymous]

The whole point of a joke is to be funny. If it's not funny, it's not a joke. This wasn't funny.

If it were me, I would have helped my daughter clean up and put her somewhere else to sleep for the night. And at 7 am I would have called the other girls' parents and asked them to pick up their daughters right now, and then when they came, said, "This is what your daughters did. I don't accept that kind of behavior in my house." (I would hope the parents would apologize and let their daughters have it on the way home, but that's up to them, not me.)

The social media issue is another concern, but I don't know how to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the ganged-up-on girl. I was always too ashamed to tell my parents and I think I'd have never lived it down if my mom made a huge deal of it. I understand DD was upset and overwhelmed overnight -- but please take her lead in what to do and try hard not to overreact. It won't do her any favors.

But maybe a mother-daughter spa day to shake it off. Either DIY or out, depending on budget, etc.

Do you think you were ganged-up on more often because you didn't say anything? Seems like the victim is being pressured into not saying anything while the ones who did the victimizing got off so they can do it again or they encouraged or taught others it is okay to victimize that victim again.

[Anonymous]

It was glitter make up and a joke that kids play on the first to fall asleep. Didn't you ever try putting someone's hand in warm water if they fell asleep first. It was just make up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The whole point of a joke is to be funny. If it's not funny, it's not a joke. This wasn't funny.

If it were me, I would have helped my daughter clean up and put her somewhere else to sleep for the night. And at 7 am I would have called the other girls' parents and asked them to pick up their daughters right now, and then when they came, said, "This is what your daughters did. I don't accept that kind of behavior in my house." (I would hope the parents would apologize and let their daughters have it on the way home, but that's up to them, not me.)

The social media issue is another concern, but I don't know how to deal with it.

This is exactly how I feel but I would add the one piece of having my daughter expressed to both girls in the morning how upset she was that they would do this to her. She needs to learn to express her feelings appropriately and not depend on her mom to handle it. Then comes the conversation with your daughter about how to handle it. If she feels it was a prank and just a one time poor judgment on the girls park, apologies ad forgiveness will help them move on and retain a friendship. If we were all shut out for every mistake we ever made, we'd have no friendships or relationships left! This is a great time to talk about trust-having it, keeping it, earning it back, losing it for good. However she sees this as part of a pattern of behavior on their part, help her see that these are not friendships she should be developing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the ganged-up-on girl. I was always too ashamed to tell my parents and I think I'd have never lived it down if my mom made a huge deal of it. I understand DD was upset and overwhelmed overnight -- but please take her lead in what to do and try hard not to overreact. It won't do her any favors.

But maybe a mother-daughter spa day to shake it off. Either DIY or out, depending on budget, etc.

Do you think you were ganged-up on more often because you didn't say anything? Seems like the victim is being pressured into not saying anything while the ones who did the victimizing got off so they can do it again or they encouraged or taught others it is okay to victimize that victim again.

I'm that PP. No, I really do believe it would have made it worse. I was an easy target -- very small, a year younger than the kids in my grade, but still academically advanced. And I was incredibly sheltered by my much-older parents and lived in a weird pop culture void. (I think I've hit every current DCUM hot button issue, but I'm 41) I didn't want to be seen as weak and needy on top of all of my other "shortcomings."

It's not the answer for everyone, I get it. And if OP's daughter wants her mom to talk to the girls or the other parents, DO IT. No question. My only suggestion is to follow DD's lead and keep her trust.

I really do think calling the school is extreme, though, unless DD indicates this is part of a larger pattern.

But this is just a random internet stranger's opinion.

[Anonymous]

Don't know how I would handle this. It seems worse than typical sleepover prank, because they apparently had it all planned out and ganged up on your unsuspecting daughter. We had plenty of sleepover pranks in my day, but it seemed more like everyone was in on it and there was no pre-selected victims, just whoever was the first to fall asleep.

[Anonymous]

Sorry this happened to your child, op. You can use this terrible event to your advantage, really.

A few questions for you to consider as you deal with your daughter's understandable hurt feelings. How did this sleepover come about? Are these 3 kids a solid trio? Or are the other two known bffs with high social standing at their school? Did your daughter want to be better friends with them? Do these girls have any history of mean girl behavior?

As the mom of 3 girls (10-14), tread carefully. Definitely bring your child into the discussion of how to handle this situation but also trust your adult instincts. If you feel like it was a prank gone wrong, it probably was, but if you feel like it was more serious and requires more attention-then follow your gut. Your work will be with helping your child to feel better about herself (she is feeling wounded and stupid and uncool right now) and helping her to understand that people can and will be mean and that mean behavior is a reflection of them, not her. There is very little (actually nothing) you can do about other children's behavior and their parents' reactions to it. Build up your precious child and strengthen your relationship through this unfortunate event.

If you talk to the other parents, don't be surprised if you don't get a thoughtful, responsible, apologetic response. Remember that children take their cues from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Kids see these pranks all over social media. With lots of comments about how funny it is.

I am in the camp that this was a prank that they thought would be funny. Yes, I understand that a few people think that all pranks, jokes and teasing of any kind is bullying but the vast majority of the world doesn't. So what kids see in their own homes, and on social media for the most part is that pranks are funny.

You know your child best and you describe these girls as friends. If these are friends she has had for a while and the girls generally all get along, then I wouldn't really react at all. tell the girls that your daughter didn't think it was funny because of the mess it made and have them all clean it up together - address it in a way that includes your daughter rather than separating her.

If your daughter struggles with making friends or this sleepover was with girls she doesn't know that well in an attempt to make friends then I would be a little more concerned that they were ganging up on her or had intentions of wanting to embarrass her and maybe take pictures or make fun of her later at school.

As her parent and in talking to her about her friendships with these girls you should get a sense of their motivation.

And also as another poster said - never do groups of 3 unless they are the 3 amigos who have been close friends and the dynamic just works.

I would not overblow this as a big deal. You can still validate how it made your daughter feel while at the same time teaching her to deal with those types of feeling and helping her to cope better with life - especially if these were her friends just playing a joke. Remind her that there will be a time when she says or does something to a friend that she thinks is funny and well-intentioned and that the person on receiving end takes differently - how would she want them to respond to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like bullying - I hate how that word gets thrown around.

It sounds to me like they were having fun, got carried away, and went too far. Help your daughter clean up, talk about it a little, then let it go.

PP, that's SO funny how you just dismissed OP's daughter's feelings.


It wasn't funny to her, so it's NOT having fun. It's mean behavior. And if it's mean, time to intervene.

Maybe you have younger children, but your advice here is absolutely wrong. You do not intervene everytime someone is mean to your child. At this age, the child MUST learn how to handle things herself. Are you going to intervene when someone is mean to your child in high school? In college? The only way she will learn is if she has practice.

I do agree that OP's DD should be validated. I think what PP was saying was that its possible the other girls thought this was a light hearted, fun joke. They were wrong, obviously, because OP's DD's was hurt. but its possible they didn't see that coming and will feel remorse. That would be the best outcome. And it won't happen if Mama Bear calls out the other parents.

Actually I am the parent of middle school and elementary aged children. And I am a principal of an elementary school who has done quite a bit of research and practice in the area of bullying prevention. I'm sorry PP, but your point is so off base and indicative of an attitude that perpetuates mean and bullying behaviors. Expecting kids to just handle things on their own is exactly the WRONG thing to do, both as teachers and as parents. We have to be proactive AND reactive. Yes, if it is mean, you have to intervene and explicitly teach kids why that behavior is not okay. I'm not saying we should tar and feather these girls. But it does need to be addressed head on. And yes, when I know, learn about and/or observe mean behavior, I do intervene. I let everyone know, both the kid(s) who were being mean as well as the kid(s) who were targeted, that the behavior is not how we treat one another. It is up to adults to help kids figure out what it acceptable behavior and to be explicit about that.