Apparently I made my husband feel like shit

[Anonymous]

Yes, my husband is NOT blaming me for the problem. And I get that the ex should pay some (maybe she will surprise me and will cough something up) but whining about how she isn't or bringing on more financial issues by suing her isn't going to help. I'm focused on how to best move forward with my family's interests in mind, not sticking it to the ex wife. I would absolutely not encourage my husband to bring a lawsuit against her for her portion of this bill. It really benefits no one.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand your feelings. We had to settle a debt from my husband's prior major. It was much less but at the time it was a huge amount of money for us. It is frustrating.

But, if I may take your DH's side for a bit, it doesn't sound like he was trying to blame you at all. It sounds like it is a bad situation, he knows the stress it's causing and the impact it will have on your financial future. I am willing to bet he is beating himself up more than you know. Sometimes, when we mess up, we need the people who love us to just be gentle.

[Anonymous]

Get off of DCUM and call the IRS!

Really, this problem will seem so much smaller when its just $450/mo rather than $30,000 RIGHT NOW!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get off of DCUM and call the IRS!

Really, this problem will seem so much smaller when its just $450/mo rather than $30,000 RIGHT NOW!!!

Say what now!? This isn't my debt, I'm not personally calling the Irs to handle it PERIOD let alone before we've explored all our options first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get off of DCUM and call the IRS!

Really, this problem will seem so much smaller when its just $450/mo rather than $30,000 RIGHT NOW!!!

Say what now!? This isn't my debt, I'm not personally calling the Irs to handle it PERIOD let alone before we've explored all our options first.

well you've got time to be posting DCUM, why not call the IRS, wait on hold for the 30 minutes or so and then conference in husband to talk to agent?

work together? help him?

what option is a better than option than paying off the debt in the smallest increments possible over the longest period of time possible?

[Anonymous]

You would be crazy to pull money out of your own retirement to pay for this.

I would also be careful about how you handle your own finances vis-a-vis your husband. Second marriages are statistically less likely to succeed, and you don't want to be left with a big mess if everything goes south in a few years. Make sure you protect your interests - i.e. no taking money out from your account to settle his ex-wife's debts...

[Anonymous]

Am asking again because it migh lend some perspective. Who earns more money now, you or your husband? And what is the amount of the difference?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP - it might be worthwhile to get some legal advice from a lawyer you pay yourself so you can understand all your options, like repayment plans w IRS etc. NOLO Press also does a fantastic series of self-help books, and they have a couple on tax issues that look helpful.

As for the marriage side - I think that dealing with stuff like this is one of the hardest challenges for your average marriage. It is so hard to stay unified in the face of shitty situations that you can't change. You somehow have to navigate your right to have and express your feelings, your legitimate anger, and the need to keep a positive relationship. The way I think about it, my reaction and the "wrong" I have suffered are two totally different things. It may be true that my DH screwed up big time, but that does not give me the right to beat him up over it endlessly. At the same time, he has to learn how to take your negative feelings and not ask you to stuff them down. But I feel for you - it is SO hard to stay close in the face of shitty events. But that is what makes the difference between a bad marriage and a good one!

So ... Although it seems counterintuitive, I would recommend you go home and give your DH a big hug, and go out for a nice dinner and some wine. Remember that you are a team.

As for you, I am super impressed at how level headed and fair you seem! The choice to help foster the coparenting relationship just says worlds about you, OP. I know this is sucky for you, but you should take pride in being an outstanding individual.

[Anonymous]

OP, this situation sucks all around. I completely understand why you're upset about it.

I view your husband's reaction as a situation where he wanted you to comfort him and did not get that comfort. I think that given the magnitude of the news you got, his expectation of comfort was an unreasonable one. The only up side to this news is that taking care of it means it'll go away. As pertains to the ex, would it be possible to come to an agreement with her in advance where you and DH agree to take on the lien solo if she agrees to waive any right to profits from the sale? I completely understand the degree to which contentious money stuff can complicate a coparenting relationship (since I have similar issues from time to time, though not of the same financial magnitude), so I applaud trying to not rock that particular boat.

I agree that your husband should call the IRS to discuss repayment plans. They are usually pretty good about negotiating something, and that might be better in the long term than liquidating $30k+38% of your retirement funds. If you have to do that, though, please don't feel too awful about it. A woman I am really good friends with received bad tax advice a few years ago and currently owes the IRS about $75k for that mistake. She has no retirement account large enough to liquidate to clear the debt and is completely freaking out about how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Op, I feel like we married the same conflict-avoidant, mistake-avoidant, head in the sand and then blame the messenger husband. I inherited $15,000 in credit card debt from my DH's prior marriage, a like of credit that he got to consolidate his ex's credit card debts. He was 4 years divorced when we got together and I didn't find out about the debt until 3 years later, when we were planning our wedding and I finally got full transparency into our finances. Basically, he avoided paying it (paid the minimum only occasionally and blocked it out of mind as much as possible) because he resented that he was stuck with debts for her stupid purchases. I showed him that even with making all minimum payments, he was throwing away over 2 grand a year in interest, plus tanking his own credit, by avoiding the issue rather than aggressively paying it off.

There was no question of going back and recovering $ from his ex; he took on the debt to keep her happy through the divorce, for which he paid her lawyers as well as his just to keep her from fighting over their daughter. When we were first dating, I thought this was noble. Over time, though, I have come to see his conflict avoidance in so many other aspects of our lives...he really lets people roll all over him rather than stand up for himself, or us. And sadly, because he is most confident in my love above everyone else's, it's easy to be mad at me when I take money out of our account to make a big payment on this debt rather than be mad at himself for taking it on or mad at his ex for shitting all over him.

If your DH and his ex are anything close to as mature as you, I'd advise allying her in for a conversation on how best to handle the debt. Seems like it would at least be worth a shot...she may think she's getting off easy just by agreeing to sell the house and give up claims to any profit, at least.

One piece of advice: assuming you will be filing taxes for the first time together this year, do NOT file jointly. If he owes the IrS, any refund from your joint return will be taken by them, even if it's mostly your money being returned. You should definitely talk to a good lawyer yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am a stay at home mother with our two young kids (both under 5). His salary is about $175,000. Because I do not work we have filed jointly since we've been married. I will not be using any retirement funds of my own to satisfy this debt nor will I do anything like take a loan in my name or put my kids in daycare and go back to work before we've planned. I briefly considered it but then thought, fuck that, I'm not missing these early years with my kids to pay someone else's taxed. So we will work with what we've got and figure something out.

In any case, a CPA he spoke to today basically indicated that everything the lawyer told us was incorrect. And after doing some research I am not sure why we would need to pay the lawyer the $7000 he quoted us to file an offer in compromise... The paperwork is right on the IRS website and we could fill it out ourselves. So we will be doing a little more research before we decide just how we are going to tackle this. Thanks for all advice and perspective, I am definitely in a better frame of mind about it today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure you both feel like shit about the situation, but he has the added burden of guilt. Certainly no good could come from piling on.

+1 Don't be a shrew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure you both feel like shit about the situation, but he has the added burden of guilt. Certainly no good could come from piling on.

+1 Don't be a shrew.

Thanks but I'm not. I'm being fairly ride or die about this if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am a stay at home mother with our two young kids (both under 5). His salary is about $175,000. Because I do not work we have filed jointly since we've been married. I will not be using any retirement funds of my own to satisfy this debt nor will I do anything like take a loan in my name or put my kids in daycare and go back to work before we've planned. I briefly considered it but then thought, fuck that, I'm not missing these early years with my kids to pay someone else's taxed. So we will work with what we've got and figure something out.

In any case, a CPA he spoke to today basically indicated that everything the lawyer told us was incorrect. And after doing some research I am not sure why we would need to pay the lawyer the $7000 he quoted us to file an offer in compromise... The paperwork is right on the IRS website and we could fill it out ourselves. So we will be doing a little more research before we decide just how we are going to tackle this. Thanks for all advice and perspective, I am definitely in a better frame of mind about it today.

What was your annual salary before you be sme a SAHM?