Apparently I made my husband feel like shit

[Anonymous]

DH has a huge financial issue from years ago during his previous marriage that needs to be settled. Found out tonight it will cost us approximately $30,000 to get it squared away. The ex wife is on the hook for the debt as well but will most likely not pay a dime so it will all to us. I am understandably stressed and not thrilled that we are going to have to deal with this. DH said "You sure know how to make me feel like shit. Thanks for just becoming part of the problem." I'm really not sure what he expected my reaction to be. "Yay I am so happy we get to figure out this huge debt YOU AND YOUR EX WIFE got into"? "Awesome, I had nothing else to do with this $30,000 we just have lying around!"? I mean honestly, does he really get to be mad at ME because I'm pissed about having to handle this huge headache and pay off this massive debt that I had nothing to do with incurring? Exactly what did he think my reaction would be? And who says he shouldn't feel like shit about this- I do, and it sucks, so no, I'm not really concerned with coddling his feelings about it!

[Anonymous]

Just tell him how you feel. Don't back down and don't let him overstep boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Sounds like he is blaming you to avoid taking responsibility for this himself. Pretty emotionally immature. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. Sounds like he is blaming you to avoid taking responsibility for this himself. Pretty emotionally immature. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

+30,000

[Anonymous]

I'm sure you both feel like shit about the situation, but he has the added burden of guilt. Certainly no good could come from piling on.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Just wow. Did your DH lie about his financial situation before you were married or something?

[Anonymous]

He probably feel like shit about it already and your harping about it is not helpful. I am not saying you need to coddle him but I would try to move to a problem solving stage (ie how to actually pay off all at debt, whether you can get something from his ex etc) as soon as possible.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure he's just as upset about it as you. Which is why he deflected his anger and lashed out at you. Go easy on him. You're both upset about this crappy situation. I'd advise you guys to be upset in your own separate corners. Let it go. Don't expect him to commiserate with you. He shouldn't expect you to be chipper about it either. You guys need to just deal with the logistics and keep your frustrations about it to yourselves. What's done is done, and it was done with someone else before you were even around. But you married this guy, for better or worse and for richer or poorer. This is just going to be a poorer year. Show him those vows mean something to you, since it clearly didn't for the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. Did your DH lie about his financial situation before you were married or something?

Yeah, this. Why would you marry someone with such a huge debt and think it would never come to fruition?

That said, it's really his problem. You can complain all you want, but HE needs to fix it, with HIS money, not yours.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. You can't change the cards you are dealt. Sounds like you may have been slightly bitchy. Could be wrong.

You are married now. His problems are your problems. Focus on a solution.

Oh, and please stop ALL CAPS, it's screams immaturity.

[Anonymous]

Who wrote in all caps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. Did your DH lie about his financial situation before you were married or something?

Yeah, this. Why would you marry someone with such a huge debt and think it would never come to fruition?

That said, it's really his problem. You can complain all you want, but HE needs to fix it, with HIS money, not yours.

I knew of the debt in general but I think he was in denial about how big it was or that it was going to go away. He got bad tax advice and it involves a lien on a property and I think he thought when the lien was up it would just... Disappear. So I did know of the issue and we have agreed it has to be handled but yes, the discussion with the lawyer still revealed we've got no good options other than to come up with this money and pay it off to be done with it. It's nothing I wouldn't have NOT married him over and I've been understanding but I think I'm also allowed some frustration and annoyance over it. I didn't overreact or yell or scream but I basically said this was a shitty situation and I guess he expected head pats or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. You can't change the cards you are dealt. Sounds like you may have been slightly bitchy. Could be wrong.

You are married now. His problems are your problems. Focus on a solution.

Oh, and please stop ALL CAPS, it's screams immaturity.

Slightly bitchy is probably an apt description. I suppose Wife of the Year could have offered gentle coos and There, There Dears. But I now get to handle someone else's massive debt so I didn't have a lot of kindliness to offer right then. I wasn't horrid or screamy or insulting but yeah, Slightly Bitchy covers it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. Did your DH lie about his financial situation before you were married or something?

Yeah, this. Why would you marry someone with such a huge debt and think it would never come to fruition?

That said, it's really his problem. You can complain all you want, but HE needs to fix it, with HIS money, not yours.

I knew of the debt in general but I think he was in denial about how big it was or that it was going to go away. He got bad tax advice and it involves a lien on a property and I think he thought when the lien was up it would just... Disappear. So I did know of the issue and we have agreed it has to be handled but yes, the discussion with the lawyer still revealed we've got no good options other than to come up with this money and pay it off to be done with it. It's nothing I wouldn't have NOT married him over and I've been understanding but I think I'm also allowed some frustration and annoyance over it. I didn't overreact or yell or scream but I basically said this was a shitty situation and I guess he expected head pats or something.

Head pats? More like back of the head slaps, "Doh!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow. Did your DH lie about his financial situation before you were married or something?

Yeah, this. Why would you marry someone with such a huge debt and think it would never come to fruition?

That said, it's really his problem. You can complain all you want, but HE needs to fix it, with HIS money, not yours.

I knew of the debt in general but I think he was in denial about how big it was or that it was going to go away. He got bad tax advice and it involves a lien on a property and I think he thought when the lien was up it would just... Disappear. So I did know of the issue and we have agreed it has to be handled but yes, the discussion with the lawyer still revealed we've got no good options other than to come up with this money and pay it off to be done with it. It's nothing I wouldn't have NOT married him over and I've been understanding but I think I'm also allowed some frustration and annoyance over it. I didn't overreact or yell or scream but I basically said this was a shitty situation and I guess he expected head pats or something.

no, he probably knew you'd be upset and you have a right to be upset. what he probably didn't expect is that you'd take it out on him - or at least he feels that way and this is on top of how also feels about the situation. he most likely feels that he doesn't have your support in trying to figure out how to make this work. a good night's sleep will do wonders but offer a bit of an olive branch tomorrow - you're pissed but not at him. maybe that will help.