Reply to Apparently I made my husband feel like shit

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[quote=Anonymous]Op, I feel like we married the same conflict-avoidant, mistake-avoidant, head in the sand and then blame the messenger husband.  I inherited $15,000 in credit card debt from my DH's prior marriage, a like of credit that he got to consolidate his ex's credit card debts.  He was 4 years divorced when we got together and I didn't find out about the debt until 3 years later, when we were planning our wedding and I finally got full transparency into our finances.  Basically, he avoided paying it (paid the minimum only occasionally and blocked it out of mind as much as possible) because he resented that he was stuck with debts for her stupid purchases.  I showed him that even with making all minimum payments, he was throwing away over 2 grand a year in interest, plus tanking his own credit, by avoiding the issue rather than aggressively paying it off.

There was no question of going back and recovering $ from his ex; he took on the debt to keep her happy through the divorce, for which he paid her lawyers as well as his just to keep her from fighting over their daughter.  When we were first dating, I thought this was noble.  Over time, though, I have come to see his conflict avoidance in so many other aspects of our lives...he really lets people roll all over him rather than stand up for himself, or us.  And sadly, because he is most confident in my love above everyone else's, it's easy to be mad at me when I take money out of our account to make a big payment on this debt rather than be mad at himself for taking it on or mad at his ex for shitting all over him.

If your DH and his ex are anything close to as mature as you, I'd advise allying her in for a conversation on how best to handle the debt.  Seems like it would at least be worth a shot...she may think she's getting off easy just by agreeing to sell the house and give up claims to any profit, at least.

One piece of advice: assuming you will be filing taxes for the first time together this year, do NOT file jointly.  If he owes the IrS, any refund from your joint return will be taken by them, even if it's mostly your money being returned.  You should definitely talk to a good lawyer yourself.[/quote]

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