Is this arrangement with step kids screwed up?

[Anonymous]

Why can't the Dad just get his own apartment? He could date the new woman, but there's no reason to marry her. Or maybe they could be married but have separate residences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't the Dad just get his own apartment? He could date the new woman, but there's no reason to marry her. Or maybe they could be married but have separate residences.

Because he claims his long working hours prevent him from taking proper care of the kids after school and such. It's more convenient for him if they stay with the (stay at home and soon to be working part time) mother, plus alimony. Given than the new woman doesn't want to be a second mother, he probably sees no other support mechanism for kid raising, so he delegates that to the mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't the Dad just get his own apartment? He could date the new woman, but there's no reason to marry her. Or maybe they could be married but have separate residences.

Because he claims his long working hours prevent him from taking proper care of the kids after school and such. It's more convenient for him if they stay with the (stay at home and soon to be working part time) mother, plus alimony. Given than the new woman doesn't want to be a second mother, he probably sees no other support mechanism for kid raising, so he delegates that to the mother.

Plus, they are planning to conceive soon, so presumably they want to live together.

[Anonymous]

ex wife wont go for it for long

once the break happens you want distance

[Anonymous]

WTFREAKKKKKKK??????????

[Anonymous]

Who in the hell would allow someone to do this to their kids???
New wife needs therapy!!!!!
Dad needs therapy !!!

[Anonymous]

I just don't think they're a good match for anything beyond casual / short-tem dating. Plenty of women out there who wouldn't mind assuming the role of stepmother- he should go find one. And she should be with a man who doesn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

there is a middle ground between step mother and no contact.

they HAVE a mother, they dont need a step mother. she could be more like a friend/light authoritarian figure while biodad keeps the reigns while they are together.

its much less pressure on everyone that way to not have to live up to some expectations of what a step mother might mean to some

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ex wife wont go for it for long

once the break happens you want distance

+1 Dad needs to get used to the idea of NEVER seeing his kids, or reconsider his choice of new partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:there is a middle ground between step mother and no contact.

they HAVE a mother, they dont need a step mother. she could be more like a friend/light authoritarian figure while biodad keeps the reigns while they are together.

its much less pressure on everyone that way to not have to live up to some expectations of what a step mother might mean to some

True, kids don't need a stepmom; Dad could stay single. That would be way less toxic and damaging than being with a woman who wants nothing to do with his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's an ass for being with a woman who doesn't want his kids around. The affair? Yeah, that's bad too but THIS? This is just sad. Those poor kids.

They don't get "normal" two weekends/month.. they get confused. What happens when Mom doesn't want an a-hole ex hanging around?

Kids come first.. not the "new woman." It won't take them wrong to realize their place on the priority list.

Agree. Kids are facts on the ground. New spouse seems to want a do-over but people come with their messy pasts and children are not baggage to be stored in another house. I couldn't marry someone who didn't want my kids around. I don't know what this guy is thinking. Date the new woman, maybe, but marry her? No.

[Anonymous]

This "dad" that can't take care of the two kids he already has has convinced a second woman to marry and conceive with him? I find this situation pathetic. I feel for everyone, even the adults. They are clearly too self-centered and delusional to see the harm on the kids or that they each deserve a normal existence. Makes me ill.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies.

I guess I should start a new thread (and probably will), but let me now explain the reason of my posting this question. To make a long story short, the new woman in this story is a close family member. My DH and I prepared our wills some time ago (well before the new woman met the man in this story), and, for a number of reasons, thought she was the only viable candidate to name as guardian of our two daughters should something happen to DH and me. (Our surviving parents are either too old of with health issues). At that time, the new woman (single, without kids, but with the support of one of our surviving parents) seemed like a genuinely proper choice. She has revealed to be a complete different person in the course of her affair with the man, we don't recognize her anymore.

Obviously, DH and I are reconsidering that decision. Problem is, we can't identify a new guardian. We would need to name a friend, as we don't have other family members who could fulfill the role (our extended family is very small). We don't want to impose such a responsibility in friends who have kids themselves (although we do have life insurance and have set a trust).

Question: is the obvious decision here is to dump her as the potential guardian? Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Friends who are known to be good parents and who live a kid oriented life would be a much better choice. My ex is similar to this man and it really messes with kids. The woman who wants the man without his kids has shown you her true character. That she wants a kid herself shows her motive.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should add that the new woman loves our daughters and, back when we prepared our wills a few years ago, in principle agreed to be a co-guardian (the principal guardian being our elderly parent, who at this point is likely unable to fulfill that role).